2016 Relationship And Dating Thread

@LoveLiLi

I'm assuming he never came back to set that date? What was his excuse though? How do you balance not rushing him when he knows he wants to marry you vs. being the placeholder? That brings me to my next thought- I've observed men marrying or settling down when they're just tired of the game. Not because this woman stood out above the rest, but merely the only one left. And the men are perfectly satisfied with that decision. The last woman standing is the name of that game...but she doesn't know that, she thinks she was 'chosen.'
How do you know when you're not the latter?
 
LiftedUp said:
@Fine 4s I deleted my quote. If I were her, I'd quietly start to date other people and segue myself into another relationship. At 32, knowing that I want marriage and children, I wouldn't be playing this song and dance for 4 years. Does he have commitment issues? I'd think a 40 year old man would know what he wants.
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THIS!!!
I would become a little less available by actually being less available due to dating others.
 
That's the kind of stuff that makes me nervous. SO and I have been together for 2 years and we talk about marriage all the time as well as buying a house together but sometimes I feel like he's all talk. My biggest fear is wasting my time with someone and it not ending up in marriage. Plus i'm in my late 20's and he's 38

movingforward13 said:
Ultimatum causes resentment. Leaving sends a stronger message.
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I've been told this before too leaving lets them know your serious.
 
Fine 4s said:
@LoveLiLi

I'm assuming he never came back to set that date? What was his excuse though? How do you balance not rushing him when he knows he wants to marry you vs. being the placeholder? That brings me to my next thought- I've observed men marrying or settling down when they're just tired of the game. Not because this woman stood out above the rest, but merely the only one left. And the men are perfectly satisfied with that decision. The last woman standing is the name of that game...but she doesn't know that, she thinks she was 'chosen.'
How do you know when you're not the latter?
Click to expand...


My ex was a case of wanting to keep me but placing very little value on being a husband or father. He begged for a child but God, in his infinite wisdom, said "nah son". My ex wanted a child the way some celebrities want a child - as an accessory.

He never proposed so he didn't have to give an excuse about not having a date. We spoke about marriage, children and getting a home together but he started working on things so late in the game that I lost faith that he was serious or that we would ever be married. We attended his best friend's wedding and he spent the entire evening telling everyone that we were getting married next. Really? o_OWhere's my ring? Where's the house? Why do you piss away your money on extravagant vacations and shopping sprees? Peep this, the groom asked when we were getting married right in front of me. My ex said "sooner rather than later. Sooner than you think". The groom replied "Well, we thought you'd never get married". The groom turned to me and said "We're all Capricorns, so I know you already read between the lines". He was damn right, sooner than 'never' could be 5 years from now.

His way of life made me think he was happy with things just as they were and I could either keep him and stay unsatisfied or move on to find a man who was a true protector and provider. For instance, He made decent money and had the type of position where he had the potential to make a great deal more with a little discipline. He could easily bring home 250k+ a year but preferred to spend half his work day watching ESPN or going shopping. I didn't respect that. I'm looking for a man to sit. me. down. He had the ability but not the desire.

I would say my ex felt like he had all the time and all the options in the world. He was constantly being told how good looking he was to the point that he was frustrated that people rarely complimented him on anything other than his appearance. He is used to dating models/singers etc. so he thinks he will always have his pick of pretty women. He also wore his bachelor status as a badge of honor. If one of his coworkers mentioned having to go to a family event or skipping a night out to help with the kids he would gloat about not having those "problems". He was free to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I don't believe being a husband and father were important to him.

He was selfish and over indulgent. He wouldn't come in and make chicken and rice and veggies for dinner. It had to be seafood and steak, a bottle of champagne and multiple desserts - on a regular Tuesday. Rarely was anything toned down. He believed in excess, parties and always having 'fun'. I couldn't envision him putting aside his wants in favor of family needs. And life showed me I was right. Repeatedly. He stepped up to help me in certain ways last year and then made me feel horrible about it. The money was not the issue. It's that he wanted to use that money for a trip to Hawaii. Later, he volunteered to do something that I would say was critical. Half-a$$ed it because he wanted to take me to Vegas for my b-day and thought that outweighed my needs at the time.

People around me were shocked that I ended it, and so abruptly at that, but I couldn't take anymore. I guarantee, this is a man who would let me suffer through sickness, stress or parenting alone , all the while giving the appearance of having a great family life because we go on great vacations and drive the right cars. He was so upset he started stalking me and took me to court on false charges. They were thrown out but he acted a fool and was stupid enough to send text messages stating that he was only taking me to court to get my attention. Got in court and whined to the judge about how much he loved me and had a ring to propose - just let us work it out without a protective order. Bih what?! After you just threw the temper tantrum of the century and lied on me in court?

Bottom line, I hit a point where I realized I was never going to get what I wanted from this man. Even if we got married - it wouldn't be what I really wanted. I would never have emotional support from him and I would feel like he finally 'gave in' to keep up with his friends vs genuinely valuing marriage and cherishing me.
 
Fine 4s said:
@LoveLiLi

... because this woman stood out above the rest, but merely the only one left. And the men are perfectly satisfied with that decision. The last woman standing is the name of that game...but she doesn't know that, she thinks she was 'chosen.'
How do you know when you're not the latter?
Click to expand...
If he loves the wife, treats her well, is a good provider and doesnt cheat... does this really matter?
 
@DarkJoy

Some would argue not at all.
So.....playing the waiting game may not be such a bad strategy after all?
You got me thinking a little more...
If you aren't really 'chosen' doesn't that qualify as 'settling' for the man and wouldn't that make him more apt to keep looking or seize a new opportunity?
 
Fine 4s said:
@LoveLiLi
Hindsight is...
This is horrible for me to ask but uhm, are you in LA?
I'm picturing glam all up in his life lol
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Nope, I live in Maryland but we did a-lot of things in DC and his favorite party spot was Miami. :rolleyes:

Funny, people often ask me where I'm from and throw LA out there. I think my look is not as understated as they're used to around here.

But yes, he tried to live the glamorous life. This man would talk to himself in the mirror while getting ready - all about how youthful and good he looked. "Damn R, you're over 40, look young, still got all your hair and your dick is big, too". He was very impressed with himself.
 
Fine 4s said:
@DarkJoy

Some would argue not at all.
So.....playing the waiting game may not be such a bad strategy after all?
You got me thinking a little more...
If you aren't really 'chosen' doesn't that qualify as 'settling' for the man and wouldn't that make him more apt to keep looking or seize a new opportunity?
Click to expand...
Thats assuming the woman believes that men dont understand the concept of loyalty.

And the wife is chosen if he's proposed.

I think you are applying female logic to the male mind. That just wont work. They dont think like us. They CAN just keep looking if they want to. No biological clock.

F-bois and kangs are excluded and those with weird and destructive mental conditions :lol:

Eta. I dont believe in the waiting game though. We got our clocks.
 
@DarkJoy
For the man yes, if he asks her to marry him, then in HIS mind he is. But is she really based on our standards. I'm talking for us women (not really thinking about male logic for this point). I know someone right now who's tired of dating around etc. This woman is maybe 20 years his junior and he dates and chases other women but in the end, she's old faithful and always comes back to her. Recently, he mentioned just settling with her. Personally, I wouldn't want someone putting a ring on my finger with that kind of thinking behind it but it happens...more than we think.
 
Fine 4s said:
@DarkJoy
For the man yes, if he asks her to marry him, then in HIS mind he is. But is she really based on our standards. I'm talking for us women (not really thinking about male logic for this point). I know someone right now who's tired of dating around etc. This woman is maybe 20 years his junior and he dates and chases other women but in the end, she's old faithful and always comes back to her. Recently, he mentioned just settling with her. Personally, I wouldn't want someone putting a ring on my finger with that kind of thinking behind it but it happens...more than we think.
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This case. No. Thats just a silly easily remedied situation.

He's one of them disordered ones i excluded from my argument :lol: sounds like a hot mess. And she's putting up with it so... smh
 
LoveLiLi said:
Nope, I live in Maryland but we did a-lot of things in DC and his favorite party spot was Miami. :rolleyes:

Funny, people often ask me where I'm from and throw LA out there. I think my look is not as understated as they're used to around here.

But yes, he tried to live the glamorous life. This man would talk to himself in the mirror while getting ready - all about how youthful and good he looked. "Damn R, you're over 40, look young, still got all your hair and your dick is big, too". He was very impressed with himself.
Click to expand...

Ugg I live in MD too and sadly your story is far to common.
Dating in the DMV is always interesting.
 
We're taking off tomorrow for our trip to Ft. Lauderdale. I've been wanting to move to that area and he's been so sweet about going along with the yearly trips. But I'm starting to feel like I'm back to my original goal of wanting to move to an island (Jamaica, USVI or Bahamas). I love the vibe and the people of those islands. I dunno if it's the hormones or what but I'm feeling really serious about it. He's gonna kill me. Lol
 
Ajna said:
Ugg I live in MD too and sadly your story is far to common.
Dating in the DMV is always interesting.
Click to expand...
So I am learning... I have "horror" stories for days...

That said, Lee is still hanging around.... We haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks but we have kept in contact---- always initiated by him. He wants to talk about us....
 
I made a lot of mistakes. My biggest one was not leaving him when I saw the first red flag, let alone waiting until I was knee deep in his web of deception. I had this strange belief if I told him all of the things about him I didn't like, he would change or make accommodations to make me happy. That was a waste and I regret not leaving before then. I regret telling him some of my deepest thoughts and secrets, thinking it would bring us closer together. But he was the best lesson of my entire life and I will be better and stronger for the next person.
 
**SaSSy** said:
I had this strange belief if I told him all of the things about him I didn't like, he would change or make accommodations to make me happy. That was a waste and I regret not leaving before then.
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I have definitely been here before and I said never again. Should've left after the first red flag. And I remember telling him what I was having issues and how we could make things better. and when I was done he was looking at me like "you done now?" and kept it moving. I seriously couldn't believe it. Ended it right then and there.

And it was basic expectations stuff like going to church on Sunday's I'm singing in the choir. Not taking FOUR days to call me back when I know you ain't doing nothing after work. If my family invites you to dinner make an effort to come. The list goes on. He claimed he didn't want to break up but he showed me that he didn't care about making me happy. Such a waste of my prime mid twenties years lol. And yes...you will be stronger and better for the next!! And you will get the man you truly deserve. It took maybe a year and a half after this break up for new boo to come along but I truly believe this is who God intended for me. I just had to finally let go of that relationship that I KNEW wasn't right for me but kept hoping he would change.
 
I was at a friends house and she had a trash bag sitting at her front door that needed to be taken out. Her boyfriend comes over..and then leaves...and does not even touch the trash bag or even ask her if he wants her to take it out. He just walked right on out the door. Right past the bag that was sitting right there. I had no words. I couldn't believe that he didn't even ask. And I know he knows where the trash compactor is because it's right at the front of the complex. You pass it every time you enter.

So then I texted one of the only close guy friends that I have and he goes "well she didn't ask him to do it" huh?

It just really bothered me. And I had no one else to tell. That is all lol.
 
NaturallyBri87 said:
I was at a friends house and she had a trash bag sitting at her front door that needed to be taken out. Her boyfriend comes over..and then leaves...and does not even touch the trash bag or even ask her if he wants her to take it out. He just walked right on out the door. Right past the bag that was sitting right there. I had no words. I couldn't believe that he didn't even ask. And I know he knows where the trash compactor is because it's right at the front of the complex. You pass it every time you enter.

So then I texted one of the only close guy friends that I have and he goes "well she didn't ask him to do it" huh?

It just really bothered me. And I had no one else to tell. That is all lol.
Click to expand...
I get your point I really do....
So now what- what would you have done in that situation? What is your advice to her, or any other woman finding themselves with the garbage still in the house as their SO left?

Guys I have dated always took the garbage out but I don't think I would cut someone off just because they didn't (not saying you would). Nor would I make a big deal about it. Maybe he had a lot on his mind, maybe he wasn't trained to do this, maybe he was in a rush.

Like I said- I get your point- don't feel like I am attacking you- just a healthy discussion to find solutions. If I am coming across *****y- my apologies- I am sipping right now while wondering what is the f&cking point of football and fantasy leagues *hugs*
 
movingforward13 said:
I get your point I really do....
So now what- what would you have done in that situation? What is your advice to her, or any other woman finding themselves with the garbage still in the house as their SO left?

Guys I have dated always took the garbage out but I don't think I would cut someone off just because they didn't (not saying you would). Nor would I make a big deal about it. Maybe he had a lot on his mind, maybe he wasn't trained to do this, maybe he was in a rush.

Like I said- I get your point- don't feel like I am attacking you- just a healthy discussion to find solutions. If I am coming across *****y- my apologies- I am sipping right now while wondering what is the f&cking point of football and fantasy leagues *hugs*
Click to expand...

There really isn't a now what. He ain't my man and it's not my apartment that still has the trash in it lol. This was mainly just a random thought about something I observed that kind of bothered me. Of course it's nothing to cut someone off over...because at the end of the day it's not THAT serious lol. I guess because any guy I date surely wouldn't just walk past it. They won't even ask if they need me to take it. They're just gonna do it. So I guess that's why I was confused. Idk lol.

I honestly don't think I'd ever be in that situation. Mainly because I'm never gonna leave my trash bag sitting at the front door for people to see when they come in my apt lolol. And if I were her I would've just ask him to take it out when he left. Especially since she still let it sit there when we left the house.

And he wasn't in a rush or had a lot on his mind lol. He was laughing and telling us stories about when he played little league baseball lol. And he only left 2 seconds after his lil story because we were heading out lol. So to me he just didn't feel like doing it lol. So I guess my advice is to ask/train him to do those things..and then he probably start doing it from now on.

But yeah. Idk. just had me thinking.
 
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