2016 Relationship And Dating Thread

he called me "my queen" last night while coloring and it was sooo sweet and sexy.

it threw me way off also while turning me on because my boo is the farthest, farthest thing away from a hotep :lol: i mean, i love the black queens narrative but it's a step towards hotep talk, i'm just sayin :lol:
i was like, hold on, you out here getting woke on me now?? :lol:
 
I love how he brushes my arm whenever he hears the part in a reggae song called Royal "no need no makeup to be a cutie." Of course I pretend I don't notice but inside I screeeeaming :drunk:

Saturday was sweet too.
He upgraded me to Lux seating by surprise (my first time) because there's no way I'm paying that much money to see a movie! Then he surprised me with my fav coconut water during the show. At bed time, without even asking he gets socks for me and puts them on my feet because he knows I wear socks when I'm cold.
So thoughtful he is.
[end mush now]
 
I been thinking long and hard about my "decision". I am going to give this a second go, mainly because I am happy with him (weighing everything on a scale). I am not happy about what he did but I also think I need to scale back my expectations (and pressure) some because of it (marriage, baby carriage, white picket fence, etc.). I am evaluating what I really want from a partner and a relationship. I wanted the marriage and kids because that is what I felt "should" happen.... now I am taking everything into consideration. I still want the marriage because I believe in it, but I am not as pressured to find the right guy and walk down the aisle. I think I just want to enjoy what we have together and as a person.
I don't feel the same, not all lovey dovey anymore. I see him as flawed now- but maybe that is what I needed (?). I think I put him too much on a pedestal. He is flawed like everyone else but I can see he is trying.

And quite frankly, I am tired of dating. Before I met him, I had a slew of men that didn't make it past 2 months (except for the Army guy and that was only because he was training for a good part of our dealing). Before that was my 5 year relationship which ended in the marriage/divorce and before that was a slew of men, nothing lasting passed a few months. I am notorious for cutting men off if they breathe wrong and I refuse to believe that my ex-husband was the best I could get. And so far- they have ALL had something wrong with them (The question when meeting someone really should be how f%cked up are you). Would you believe this isn't the worse I have encountered. I mainly meet men who are already with someone, even married---- and think they can date.

That was one thing that really drew me to Lee (not his real name- what I am calling him online). When we talked about exclusivity, he disclosed me he hadn't dated seriously in the 6 months prior and was abstinent (he says) by choice. I believe it just based on how he is with me. This man is fyyne, tall, nice smile, clean cut, drives a nice car, lives in a nice place, has a good job and a few side gigs- all the "panty dropper" requirements- I would think panties are being thrown at him left and right. He seemed really sincere to find someone for the long haul. DMV is a tough area to date in so I figured maybe he was tired of all the superficiality and decided to date out of his comfort zone with me. I am Plain Jane compared to him- just starting out and trying to get on that six figure train. He told me about all the lawyers and etc. that he dated before me. Men actually have horror stories too lol.

I don't have an interest right now to go back to that dating pool. I guess now though, I am going to constantly "evaluate" how I feel here. Until I am married, I am not locked in so I am just going to enjoy my time until a different choice needs to be made.
 
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Met his parents and siblings this past weekend. One of his friend told me before hand, I should worry about his mother liking me. She was very nice and polite. He actually stated she wants to go on boat ride with him, his kids and mother this weekend. I guess things are going well and I like it.
 
After like 3 1/2 months of dating he finally made things official. He started telling people I was his girlfriend. The first time he did it I was like:confused:lol because we hadn't talked about it. But I couldn't say anything right then because people were around so I went with it. So the next time we were with each other someone called him and he told them he was with his girl..so I was like okay let me ask him about this so I'm clear. And he was like yeah I meant it when I told people you were my gf...I really see a future with you, I want to do things God's way and build a strong foundation with you yada yada yada. I was like :drunk::drunk::drunk:

I'm glad it worked out for me because I really like him. And lately we've been protesting together with our Black Lives Matter signs and being with someone who is down for the cause like that is important to me. Especially since the only other male in my life (my grown brother) is team All Lives Matter:confused: So yeah:2inlove:
 
Fine 4s said:
Have you ever felt sorry for yourself?
As if you were standing outside of yourself looking in, and feeling sad and all you had to endure or go threw? How do you change those lenses to gratitude and growth? Sometimes I feel really sorry for myself....
Click to expand...

It happens sometimes. It comes over me as loneliness. That's when I concentrate on all the other great relationships in my life. My family, my nieces and nephews and baby cousins, my awesome friends.
I go to Pilate's and the gym and for jogs. And spend time learning new things.
i just remind myself that Just because one part of my life isn't going the way I want doesn't mean there aren't other things that are going for me.

You're not enduring, you're living your life.

Hope you feel a little better x
 
Fine 4s said:
Have you ever felt sorry for yourself?
As if you were standing outside of yourself looking in, and feeling sad and all you had to endure or go threw? How do you change those lenses to gratitude and growth? Sometimes I feel really sorry for myself....
Click to expand...
I have- after my ex husband cheated and I was in limbo waiting to see what the next move was going to be- I felt really sorry for myself.... pity party. That carried on for a bit due to the overwhelming shock of my family being broken apart and us navigating the divorce. I didn't really achieve gratitude and growth until that situation was finished. I took a lot of time for self reflection and got into therapy and one day I just said that isn't my focus anymore- and I move forward. It was hard as hell. There was a lot of sadness and anger in my heart. But when I said it was enough, it was enough. Sending you big hugs and feel better.
 
He initiated a long conversation with me yesterday- which went into a million directions. We laid with him at my feet (think Sandcastles in Lemonade) and he poured his heart out. Answered my questions in response to whatever we were talking about and told me what he was thinking. I learned a lot more about him yesterday and I think the conversation was very insightful for himself. He said he know that he needs counseling - he is ready to let everything pent up out. He said he feels empty inside... I think counseling is a good idea and a good start for him to cope with his grieving. Going to watch and see if he follows through. He has been doing some other things for the sake of transparency without me asking but right now I feel like it is overkill. Taking this day by day.
 
Maybe I just think too highly of myself. But no, I don't think that's what it is. I do have a high self esteem. Maybe it's that I'm too discerning. Or maybe I'm just judgemental and superficial.
 
When an old friend becomes the new boo.
When he lets you know he was wanting and waiting for this chance for 5 years and he has serious plans for the future.
When he invites you to Sabbath lunch with the extended family and they love on you like one of their own.

This has been a bit of a whirlwind to say the least and I'm not a whirlwind kind of girl. Yet still...:love:
 
I swear....Beyoncé is gonna ruin my life with Lemonade. I'm listening to "Hold Up" feeling all angry and emotional, like my man cheated on me. There was this really beautiful man on the train. He was staring and smiling. I was so upset by "Hold Up," I gave him a dirty look and went to sit in a corner to think about my feelings. It was especially at the part "Being jealous or crazy. Getting walked all over lately. " I felt just like Beyoncé. I wanted to get a bat and start swinging.
 
Solila said:
I swear....Beyoncé is gonna ruin my life with Lemonade. I'm listening to "Hold Up" feeling all angry and emotional, like my man cheated on me. There was this really beautiful man on the train. He was staring and smiling. I was so upset by "Hold Up," I gave him a dirty look and went to sit in a corner to think about my feelings. It was especially at the part "Being jealous or crazy. Getting walked all over lately. " I felt just like Beyoncé. I wanted to get a bat and start swinging.
Click to expand...

I totally get that! When my song rotation gets to Hurt Yourself I skip it. It's not how I feel or want to feel in my current situation. We have to guard our minds.

I'm fixed on Bei'Mir Bist Du Schon (Ella Fitzgerald)...:bdance:Of all the boys I've known and I've known some, Until I first met you I was lonesome, And when you came in sight, dear, my heart grew light,
And this old world seemed new to me...Bei mir bist du schön, please let me explain, 'Bei mir bist du schön' means that you're grand :bdance:
 
Nina_S said:
I totally get that! When my song rotation gets to Hurt Yourself I skip it. It's not how I feel or want to feel in my current situation. We have to guard our minds.
Click to expand...

This is true. For years I had what I termed as "man hating songs" on rotation. It wasn't because I had a deep hatred for men lol I just enjoyed the pain and anger of the songs. I stopped cold turkey. I don't want that in my life.
 
Are you more forgiving when you're married? Is there more of a reason to salvage a marriage? Let's assume there aren't any children. For those who believe marriage is forever, would you feel guilty for walking away? What about that forever vow?
 
Fine 4s said:
Are you more forgiving when you're married? Is there more of a reason to salvage a marriage? Let's assume there aren't any children. For those who believe marriage is forever, would you feel guilty for walking away? What about that forever vow?
Click to expand...
My level of forgiveness is about the same in a relationship versus a marriage. I give it my all and when I am done, I don't look back.
 
I was thinkin about you when I wrote it :)
IDK People seem to take more BS in marriage and say it's for the kids...but what about when there is no kids? I guess what I'm leading to is what's the point of marriage if I'm not going to be more forgiving, more committed more of everything and anything...I see people who will work on infidelity, work on financial mismanagement (like he or she gambles the money away), work on drug abuse etc. these people feel like they are expected and required to hang in there because they are married. And outsiders don't dare intefer because well...they're married.

Btw- all this cuz I saw a post someone put on IG about they don't believe in Divorce. It felt like an excuse to take mistreatment and a decision that I see lots of people agree with. Almost as if they're letting society down by walking away. That's just too much pressure....
 
Fine 4s said:
I was thinkin about you when I wrote it :)
IDK People seem to take more BS in marriage and say it's for the kids...but what about when there is no kids?

Btw- all this cuz I saw a post someone put on IG about they don't believe in Divorce.
Click to expand...
I used to be different. If you would have asked me 5 years ago- my answer would have been more forgiving in marriage. I use to cut men off if they breathed wrong so I was going to give my "husband" more of an opportunity.

Then I hung out with the white ladies on the infidelity boards- spent 3 years of reading, interacting, and learning... And then my views changed. One thing I have learned is that men are tired too... I started to soften my stance toward the opposite sex. I tried to understand versus react.

My views are still changing. I can see the "grey" now, even though I am still passionate on a sides (such as fidelity, honesty, transparency). I am learning the "game". Side note- why do we play games in relationships *shrugs*?

What I have come to realize is that no one is perfect. Because of family of origin issues, because of some traumatic experience, because they just don't know any better... I was (am?) broken. Many of the men I have dated are (was?) broken. I was/am working on fixing my brokenness. If my ex husband was committed to the same, I would have stayed.
Lee has demonstrated (so far) that he is willing to do that work for himself. So I backed off and started watching - I don't have anything invested in him but my heart.

I do believe in divorce. Marriage is a partnership- if one person ain't working to the greater good, then what is the point, kids or not. Personally, I would rather families stay together especially if there are kids- but then again I remember when my bio-mother kicked my bio-father out the house because he was abusing us all. I was happy that day. Divorce should always be an option in those cases.
 
I finally had the balls to talk to people (women) in my life about what Lee did- to get their opinion or maybe just to vent. So far, all I did was speak to my guy friends and they all wanted me to hear him out. I knew my girls would say cut it and I wasn't ready to hear that so I didn't speak to any XX chromosomes.

My girls listened- bestie was like cut it but then she back tracked because of her own situation. My other friend just listened and that was all I needed. It was like a bomb dropped on her- she was stunned. And her only advice was to keep my eyes open since she knew we were still seeing each other. Done and done.

Guys have been showing interest in me, but my heart to explore isn't there. Lee's father went back into the hospital while all of this was going on and now drama happened with his half sister and her child's father, so he is just emotionally spent at trying to help his family out. He is the only able bodied person. Everything that is going wrong is. He is having a hard time finding peace. I am convinced men aren't as tough as women. We are strong and resilient. But I give it to him, he is trying.
 
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