2016 Relationship And Dating Thread

LiftedUp said:
@movingforward13

Is it this lie or do you have a weird gut feeling about him and his intentions? If it's the latter and if you pray, with a pure heart, ask God to show you what you need to know. If there's nothing, great, if there is, brace yourself and have you relaxation technique and get away lined up. That gut feeling is usually the holy spirit.
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I don't trust him now- and honestly- I am looking at it from a future point of view. I want to get married, buy a house and have one more child maybe. If he is paying child support for two kids... then how can he "contribute" to the dream. If he had told me from the beginning - then I could have made the choice. I can't be upset about what he did back then but I think it is real horrible to get my heart involved and then I find all this out- he didn't even tell me. So I am second guessing everything. I just don't trust him now.
The weird thing is my guy friends are telling me to hear him out- they are sympathizing more with him than me. They feel like he is a good guy - or maybe they are subconsciously projecting. I just don't know if I want to be involved in this. Know what I mean?
I am starting to think that he probably thought this was going to be a hit and run and so he wasn't going to say anything. But then he saw something here and couldn't back track.
 
He wants me to come spend the night at his house after work today and I don't know if i'm feeling up to it. I don't have a spare bag in my car today so that means I would need to buy everything after work.
 
movingforward13 said:
I don't trust him now- and honestly- I am looking at it from a future point of view. I want to get married, buy a house and have one more child maybe. If he is paying child support for two kids... then how can he "contribute" to the dream. If he had told me from the beginning - then I could have made the choice. I can't be upset about what he did back then but I think it is real horrible to get my heart involved and then I find all this out- he didn't even tell me. So I am second guessing everything. I just don't trust him now.
The weird thing is my guy friends are telling me to hear him out- they are sympathizing more with him than me. They feel like he is a good guy - or maybe they are subconsciously projecting. I just don't know if I want to be involved in this. Know what I mean?
I am starting to think that he probably thought this was going to be a hit and run and so he wasn't going to say anything. But then he saw something here and couldn't back track.
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I'm sorry I couldn't imagine what your going through. I personally wouldn't trust anyone that couldn't be up front with me and tell me something like that.
 
movingforward13 said:
I don't trust him now- and honestly- I am looking at it from a future point of view. I want to get married, buy a house and have one more child maybe. If he is paying child support for two kids... then how can he "contribute" to the dream. If he had told me from the beginning - then I could have made the choice. I can't be upset about what he did back then but I think it is real horrible to get my heart involved and then I find all this out- he didn't even tell me. So I am second guessing everything. I just don't trust him now.
The weird thing is my guy friends are telling me to hear him out- they are sympathizing more with him than me. They feel like he is a good guy - or maybe they are subconsciously projecting. I just don't know if I want to be involved in this. Know what I mean?
I am starting to think that he probably thought this was going to be a hit and run and so he wasn't going to say anything. But then he saw something here and couldn't back track.
Click to expand...

I'm not saying you should break it off but I would take a good step back.

The root of why most of us lie is to protect ourselves so that means for me..he was thinking of himself first and foremost even as things have progressed.

I think he is still a good guy however that doesn't mean he isn't wrong or that you have to continue with him if this gets to be a huge issue.

He has to know he has some work to do to get your trust back
 
movingforward13 said:
I don't trust him now- and honestly- I am looking at it from a future point of view. I want to get married, buy a house and have one more child maybe. If he is paying child support for two kids... then how can he "contribute" to the dream. If he had told me from the beginning - then I could have made the choice. I can't be upset about what he did back then but I think it is real horrible to get my heart involved and then I find all this out- he didn't even tell me. So I am second guessing everything. I just don't trust him now.
The weird thing is my guy friends are telling me to hear him out- they are sympathizing more with him than me. They feel like he is a good guy - or maybe they are subconsciously projecting. I just don't know if I want to be involved in this. Know what I mean?
I am starting to think that he probably thought this was going to be a hit and run and so he wasn't going to say anything. But then he saw something here and couldn't back track.
Click to expand...

I've been following your love story and I'm sorry to hear about this turn of events.

Was he "hitting and running" with several women? Is that how he got in the situation of possibly fathering children he wasn't aware existed?

I'm sorry if that's too personal of a question.
 
@movingforward13

LiftedUp said:
@movingforward13

That gut feeling is usually the holy spirit.
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^^ Yep, answered prayers. Trust the answers.

Regardless of what "'his" truth is (small lies, big lies - WTFE) or what the outcome of the relationship will be, look at where this relationship has brought you - you know what you deserve and you know that you can love again. That is your truth.
 
I am starting to believe our bodies were molded just for each other. He is the perfect height, and I feel my height compliments his. When we dance, it feels like we are the music and other people are dancing to our sound. I resisted it for so long, but am actually cool enough with his friend's wives/girlfriends to chat and do things without our men being there.

@movingforward13 I am sorry you are going through this. I do not believe in just breaking up, but right now you need to really pay attention to his actions. He has betrayed your trust (regardless of it being a small/large issue) and if he is lucky enough to get a chance to remain your man, he will have to prove himself to you.

I believe he did not know how things would work out with you initially, and shared the basics. And once he realized you and your son were a God-send he didn't know how to tell you. Men, do not like confrontations and will generally wait until they have no choice to act. It is dumb, but many find this to be their best course of action.

I know you are probably on an emotional roller coaster, but don't let him distract you from your accounting. You have to do it for you and your boy. If you feel it is best to postpone, you know what is best for you. The ball is in your court. Good luck lovie! xx
 
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toaster said:
I've been following your love story and I'm sorry to hear about this turn of events.

Was he "hitting and running" with several women? Is that how he got in the situation of possibly fathering children he wasn't aware existed?

I'm sorry if that's too personal of a question.
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This I don't know. That is one of my questions. I think he was aware but in denial. We talked about our sexual history so I know he has had one nighters....
 
Lucie said:
@movingforward13 I am sorry you are going through this. I do not believe in just breaking up, but right now you need to really pay attention to his actions. He has betrayed your trust (regardless of it being a small/large issue) and if he is lucky enough to get a chance to remain your man, he will have to prove himself to you.

I believe he did not know how things would work out with you initially, and shared the basics. And once he realized you and your son were a God-send he didn't know how to tell you. Men, do not like confrontations and will generally wait until they have no choice to act. It is dumb, but many find this to be their best course of action.

I know you are probably on an emotional roller coaster, but don't let him distract you from your accounting. You have to do it for you and your boy. If you feel it is best to postpone, you know what is best for you. The ball is in your court. Good luck lovie! xx
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I really feel like this is the case- I am just in shock right now. Not too angry just shocked and confused. Like this is surreal. Finally start trusting someone again and bam. And I am embarrassed. I really wanted this to work out for various reasons.... But mainly because I love him. After getting divorced, I didn't think I would feel like this again.
Now every time I think of him and I having the stink face.
I did tell him it was over last night - maybe premature... I will hear him out but if his actions isn't showing me anything then I am out. You
 
movingforward13 said:
I really feel like this is the case- I am just in shock right now. Not too angry just shocked and confused. Like this is surreal. Finally start trusting someone again and bam. And I am embarrassed. I really wanted this to work out for various reasons.... But mainly because I love him. After getting divorced, I didn't think I would feel like this again.
Now every time I think of him and I having the stink face.
I did tell him it was over last night - maybe premature... I will hear him out but if his actions isn't showing me anything then I am out. You
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I have been in this exact same situation where he didn't tell me that he had an ex wife and two kids till 7 months in. I ended it that day. Life moved on and I found someone else.
 
ivyness said:
I have been in this exact same situation where he didn't tell me that he had an ex wife and two kids till 7 months in. I ended it that day. Life moved on and I found someone else.
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Wow!! Horrible. Glad you found your man afterwards.

Ladies i will admit i did something and so glad i did: private investigator.

Costs less than $200 and takes maybe one day to get your report. Seriously. Everything comes up: criminal records, court cases/legal judgements, aliases, former and current businesses, marriage, divorce, places of residence and so on.

Im a mother and not taking a single chance. No woman should.
 
TayMac said:
I'm not saying you should break it off but I would take a good step back.

The root of why most of us lie is to protect ourselves so that means for me..he was thinking of himself first and foremost even as things have progressed.

I think he is still a good guy however that doesn't mean he isn't wrong or that you have to continue with him if this gets to be a huge issue.

He has to know he has some work to do to get your trust back
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The bolded is what's most bothersome.
 
SO and I have been on really good terms lately. I like the fact he's taking the initiative to think about weekend plans instead of letting me come up with everything or waiting for me to decided on something. This weekend he wants to take the kids to the amusement park, cookout and finish a few things around the house for me.

We also been talking about marriage a lot lately..he expressed he wanted to get married at the courthouse and have a nice reception to cut down on the cost. I don't want to get married at the courthouse (my daddy calls them shotgun weddings) plus my parents are really looking forward to spending on a wedding (i'm the only girl). He seems ok with what I told him but only time will tell.

Plus I expressed I wanted to wear an cute African print dress to our future reception and he really liked that idea and asked to see the pictures I had screen-shot.
 
So summer really is the best time to be single like @hopeful said :giggle:. So here are my dating updates (yes as in plural :lol:).

-Guy #1: "John"
He's the one who cancelled last time. He called last week to reschedule for the very next day. I already had other plans so I said no. Then he said he'd be out of town until mid July for Army training so I'd have to see him now. I said No, I'll see you when you get back. Then he wanted me to send him pics. I refused but he sent me 4 of his. I thanked him and told him he was handsome and left it at that. We'll see what happens with him if anything.

-Guy #2: "Leo"
Met him when I went to visit family out of town. He's friends with my cousin. I could tell he was immediately attracted to me. I am really good at sensing attraction :yep:. Anyway he kept to himself, opened up more as the weekend progressed. Then he called me out of the blue on my way home from my relative's house. I'm not attracted to him. He's here visiting cuz he lives in Haiti so that's a no-go for me. Oh well.

-Guy #3: "Mike"
Lives in a different state. My friend gave him my number and my Facebook info (she asked me first). He started texting me saying: "After seeing your pics, i told all of my friends that I found the woman for me. You're so beautiful! Etc..." So far so good right? Well then he started blowing up my texts asking to call. He calls we talked then I had to go. He texts again asking to call again. I ignore it and he starts blowing up my phone nonstop with texts and calls! Calling me baby, honey, giving me nicknames etc... Finally I "broke up" with him and told him I'm not the one for him and good luck with his search. Then he sent me 5-6 more text messages explaining himself, asking for another chance. At this point I was ready to block this negro. I'm just ignoring him. At least the barrage of texts has stopped. BTW all of this happened in a 5 day span.

o_O
 
movingforward13 said:
I really feel like this is the case- I am just in shock right now. Not too angry just shocked and confused. Like this is surreal. Finally start trusting someone again and bam. And I am embarrassed. I really wanted this to work out for various reasons.... But mainly because I love him. After getting divorced, I didn't think I would feel like this again.
Now every time I think of him and I having the stink face.
I did tell him it was over last night - maybe premature... I will hear him out but if his actions isn't showing me anything then I am out. You
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I apologize. In my initial message to you I thought he was only lying about his age.
Now two secret children is two to many for me.
But I would definitely talk to him about it with open ears and an open heart. Only facts, so you can make an informed decision for your son and yourself.
 
@movingforward13
I have no additional words of advice to add just wanted to give you an e-hug and tell you to not feel embarrassed.
The uplifting advice I heard was now you know that you can love again. THAT is so empowering. Don't think that love was because of HIM. It was not. It is the energy and love inside of you and you can give it to whomever you please. Awesome!

((HUGS))
 
This man is pissing me off to no end. And for some reason I can't keep my mouth shut though I know it's only PMS.

:mad::mad:
 
I don't have much of an update. Probably will lay low for a while until I know exactly what I want to do.
We spoke. I got a lot of questions answered- have a few more to get answered but I generally know what I need to know.
I haven't made up my mind yet, which is weird because if I was y'all, I would be like "girl leave him". Guess it is hard to take my own advice. He does not know this though- he thinks we are broken up and he is trying his best to put this back together.

He is 37 (not 34 like I believed). He has two kids- girls born 9 months apart. I knew about the second one, she is the one with autism that I met. The first one is a beautiful little girl half looks like him (no autism). He doesn't see her because he is beefing with mom but he is paying child support.
She was conceived around the time his mother died and he said the conception was an accident. There is a lot of drama with that mother. FWB that resulted in a baby. And got the other mother pregnant around the time the 1st one was giving birth. Other one, DNA not his.

Not that it is any excuse but after his mother died, he became depressed. Didn't care about nothing. Unprotected sex... Here are the results. He is supporting his children but for me to be involved with him- he needs court ordered visitation for the 1st one since him and mom are not on good terms. I do worry about this because so far- there has been no drama. I like boring, no drama.

I am trying to think with my head as much as possible. The "scales" are tipped in his favor with the caveat that if some other bull sh!t happens, I am out the door. No decisions are made yet. Still trying to get out of the shock of this. Thanks for all of your words ladies. I have taken them all to heart.
 
@movingforward13
(((Hugs))) Sending positive vibes your way. So sorry you are going through this. I would like to also add two thoughts. One, he led you to believe that he didn't want another child because of the autism and while that may also be true, the other reason was not wanting to care for four children. The other thought is that when pressed on the issue, he said you guys would figure that out after marriage. That makes me wonder if he was planning on not telling you until you were even deeper in and would feel trapped. I'm just adding that in for food for thought. I know it's hard but also try your best to make the very best decision for you in the long run. Not what's best for him or even your son, because that will cloud your vision. What's best for you and your well being is what's best for your son. Be strong and steady. I am so sorry that he put you in this very uncomfortable situation.
 
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hopeful said:
@movingforward13
(((Hugs))) Sending positive vibes your way. So sorry you are going through this. I would like to also add two thoughts. One, he led you to believe that he didn't want another child because of the autism and while that may also be true, the other reason was not wanting to care for four children. The other thought is that when pressed on the issue, he said you guys would figure that out after marriage. That makes me wonder if he was planning on not telling you until you were even deeper in and would feel trapped. I'm just adding that in for food for thought. I know it's hard but also try your best to make the very best decision for you in the long run. Not what's best for him or even your son, because that will cloud your vision. What's best for you and your well being is what's best for your son. Be strong and steady. I am so sorry that he put you in this very uncomfortable situation.
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I completely agree and this is something we spoke about. He did explain how that all came about and why he didn't tell me up until now and to be fair- other stuff has happened with his father so I do see how telling me fell by the waste side.
However I do agree. It looks like entrapment. It was very deceitful and selfish. He has apologized and says that he understands that he broke my trust. He is trying to earn that back now. I am deciding if I want to give him/this another chance or not.
 
Here's my news brief:

So we married and ended up conceiving the first night we were finally alone. :ohsnap::wasntme:

It's funny because he's pushing 50 and we had just talked to his doctor about him getting a vasectomy. I was going back on birth control in the meantime because ain't no way we were gonna be having marital relations with condoms. He was never certain that he wanted kids and we were both fine with just my son. We had a cool little family unit.

Once I suspected, I was more nervous to tell him than about the actual pregnancy. This man is totally over the moon right now!! Lol. This will be his first child. He wants to talk baby all of the time. He wants to buy a bigger house. Now he wants me to go back to an SUV. He won't let me go outside without spraying down with mosquito repellant. It's cute. He says he's so calm about it because he has a good partner. But he's always been baby crazy so I knew his talk about not wanting his own kids was just that- talk.

Me, I'm still in shock. I opened myself to the possibility of having another child when I re-entered the dating scene. Given my age, I knew most guys would either already have kids or want them - just bring realistic. My son is my little homie so I wasn't opposed to children either. So baby isn't unwelcomed or anything. I just can't believe it happened so quickly after the wedding! I thought we'd get in a few years of marital relations before it happened.

My little man is super excited! He's always wanted siblings (only child). He can't stop touching my belly. He says goodnight to my belly every night. He has loved his new stepdad since the beginning, they're two peas in a pod. His dad's girlfriend has a child/ren. Now he's getting a blood sibling. He is beside himself with happiness. Lol.

I'm looking forward to this new adventure and having fun with it. DH has really bad sympathy symptoms with my periods (food cravings and exhaustion) so it'll be interesting to see if he gets any with the pregnancy.

That's all folks! Now I have to go back and catch up on the updates.
 
**SaSSy** said:
Has anyone thought of how they will change their surname? I know its too early for that in my current relationship, but I was thinking of not dropping my maiden name or even adding a hyphen. Instead I would have 4 names (2 surnames).

I have achieved so much before I got married, that professionally and personally I'm known by my birth surname. I even take pride in my birth surname. I decided I would retain my first, middle, maiden and new married name as one long name.

This thought might change since I do notice professionally a lot of women (and gay men) are hyphening their maiden with their married name. If I have children, I don't want the children to have my maiden name at all. They will have their father's last name only.
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I'm late, sorry, but this is exactly what I did. I have four names.

An interesting fact I learned in college sociology, women CEOs/successful women tend to have hyphenated names. There was no causality or correlation inferred though. Just interesting.
 
So all good things must come to an end right? This weekend didn't go at all as planned and i'm actually glad it's over with.

It all started with Friday night SO called me at work and told me he was going to pick up his daughter and stay at his mothers house for a little bit before coming down to my house because of traffic. OK cool not even 30 mins later my co worker comes up to me with plans about going out to dinner and the escape room for another co-workers surprise birthday plans. I decided to go since SO had to pick up his daughter and then sit in traffic eventually we would both make it back to my place around the same time. After work at my co workers apt I called to tell him what I would be doing since we had a change in plans and he immediately gets upset and calls me a liar. (This is my first time going out without him and the kids)

So we get off the phone and the night begins and I start getting texts back to back with messages like "your a liar you told me you had to get your son" and "You said you couldn't pick up my daughter because you had to get him" and then a really long paragraph one basically saying He hates when people say they can't do something because they have something to do but when that something isn't a priority anymore they're quick to go do something else and forget what the other person asked them. Also he doesn't have a problem with me going out because we're not married and I can do what I want.

All night I was getting messages like that so I basically started ignoring him. At the end of the night on my way home I decided to call him again and he send me to voicemail twice tell me why I walk in my house and he's sitting on my couch watching TV with my dog. So I said hi and went upstairs to find his daughter asleep in my son's room ( I have a guest room/office) I didn't say anything and went to bed meanwhile he slept on my couch.

I'll tell ya'll about Saturday's incident between me and his daughter when I get back to my desk.
 
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