2014 What's Happening in Our Relationships?

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I've not been very nice the past few days. I am getting a sense of worry from him, which makes me feel really remorseful. Yet I also seem to be having this mean streak:ohwell:

I was telling him that I don't think I want to come visit and spend all that time with his family... :blush: Didn't say it so directly but eventually arrived at this message.
I just felt like I'd be invited to take part in their very intimate family activities, and that our relationship is at a much too premature stage for that. And the idea of going to participate in those activities and pretend to be integrated in his family made me want to go spend time with my family instead.

And I don't like to feel pressured. And I don't like to pretend that the relationship is at a stage where it isn't. Things like that freak me out and make me shut down, which is maybe why I am not being so nice lately. And seeing the uncertainty on his face made me sad, while the protective side of me felt like oh well, self protection.

Sometimes I just need some space. I'm not good at managing everyday life with my relationship life (long-distance relationships do that you... or maybe that's just me). But I feel like I want me time outside of work AND outside of the relationship. Like I want a vacation soon where it's just me (maybe with friends). Give me time to focus on me without the expectations of the relationship and of work.

This is what keeps me happy. Balance. And when that balance erodes, I get mean or dismissive. I have the terrible habit of throwing important things to the wayside when I am stressed out. I want to be a hermit and not talk to people. Relationship obligations begin to irritate me. I have to fight this bad habit to be a good relationship partner. And the odd thing is that boyfriends want to be even more attentive during that time. And that just stresses me out more.

I don't know. We need a solution. I'm exploring the financial feasibility of me going home half the time and visiting him the other half. And in the shorter term I owe myself a spa date:sad:

For now I'm not sure what to say to him. Tell him I'm bad at this and that sometimes yes I am mean? He's laid out 5 potential schedule scenarios for me/us if I were to go to the US and then go visit him. That was sweet.

Sigh. End ramble.
 
My extension to stay at this assignment got denied so I will be moving in September of 2015 and he will be here until 2016. He said we will talk about it tonight but I don't even know what to say. It feels weird growing closer to someone knowing you will be apart in a year when we will be even more in love and completely used to each other's lifestyle together.

At a loss right now. ..
 
CarLiTa said:
I've not been very nice the past few days. I am getting a sense of worry from him, which makes me feel really remorseful. Yet I also seem to be having this mean streak:ohwell:

I was telling him that I don't think I want to come visit and spend all that time with his family... :blush: Didn't say it so directly but eventually arrived at this message.
I just felt like I'd be invited to take part in their very intimate family activities, and that our relationship is at a much too premature stage for that. And the idea of going to participate in those activities and pretend to be integrated in his family made me want to go spend time with my family instead.

And I don't like to feel pressured. And I don't like to pretend that the relationship is at a stage where it isn't. Things like that freak me out and make me shut down, which is maybe why I am not being so nice lately. And seeing the uncertainty on his face made me sad, while the protective side of me felt like oh well, self protection.

Sometimes I just need some space. I'm not good at managing everyday life with my relationship life (long-distance relationships do that you... or maybe that's just me). But I feel like I want me time outside of work AND outside of the relationship. Like I want a vacation soon where it's just me (maybe with friends). Give me time to focus on me without the expectations of the relationship and of work.

This is what keeps me happy. Balance. And when that balance erodes, I get mean or dismissive. I have the terrible habit of throwing important things to the wayside when I am stressed out. I want to be a hermit and not talk to people. Relationship obligations begin to irritate me. I have to fight this bad habit to be a good relationship partner. And the odd thing is that boyfriends want to be even more attentive during that time. And that just stresses me out more.

I don't know. We need a solution. I'm exploring the financial feasibility of me going home half the time and visiting him the other half. And in the shorter term I owe myself a spa date:sad:

For now I'm not sure what to say to him. Tell him I'm bad at this and that sometimes yes I am mean? He's laid out 5 potential schedule scenarios for me/us if I were to go to the US and then go visit him. That was sweet.

Sigh. End ramble.
Click to expand...

You sound exactly like I am. I am used to my me time with the spa, gym, cruises and traveling. When I am in a relationship my desire for that does not go away. If I feel like I am losing that time or I don't get it my mood is affected. It's good you are aware of your needs and the importance of not neglecting them.

With that said, I say you work out something that YOU know you will be comfortable with long term because if you agree to his ideas and your needs don't end up being met you won't be your best in the relationship.
 
He's gone to Barbados for the next 10 days. I'll miss him but yayyyyyy to watching TV and playing on my laptop on the sofa in my comfortable sweat pants; kicking my shoes off and not having to pick up behind myself; having the bed to myself and eating whatever the *** I want (he cooks dinner most nights and makes the yummiest foods, which means weight gain and missing out on my weekly beloved Chick Fil A).
 
Bless my baby heart. I thought he lost the car key and had him looking for it but it was in my pocket. He gave me a kiss and said it was ok. I felt bad :lol:
 
He came over yesterday so that we could spend some time together. And I cooked for him. I don't cook for anyone other than family so he really must be something.

Oh and he really liked it too. He was convinced that I couldn't cook lol.
 
dede1129 said:
You sound exactly like I am. I am used to my me time with the spa, gym, cruises and traveling. When I am in a relationship my desire for that does not go away. If I feel like I am losing that time or I don't get it my mood is affected. It's good you are aware of your needs and the importance of not neglecting them.

With that said, I say you work out something that YOU know you will be comfortable with long term because if you agree to his ideas and your needs don't end up being met you won't be your best in the relationship.
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Thank you :)

Things are better now! Sometimes I just like to eschew any responsibility. And I like having the freedom to do so:blush:

We talked last night for just 15 minutes. It was a nice pick-me-up (I felt really happy), but short enough that I didn't begin to feel like my other responsibilities were being thrown to the wayside. Situations like that will make me impatient. Because I know the outcome: working overnight, being exhausted, shaving years off my life.

I loved the pace with which we got to know each other. I loved it. It was slow yet frequent: almost daily emails, sometimes quite long, and 1 weekly Skype call that would tend to be very long. I loved that I wrote as much or as little as I wanted based on how I was feeling, and I liked the buildup between calls.

Now we talk almost daily, and on the days when we are stressed out, we end up talking about work sometimes, and it just feels less romantic as a result. We are both pretty committed to romance, so we reel ourselves back in always, but there are days when work or everyday life gets in the way of our awesome conversations.
I'd be more in favor of returning to the earlier pacing (on weeks when we know that our schedules will be hectic) and go back to those lovely emails.

I am going to talk to him about this. Hopefully it is well received. I do a pretty good job at communicating my emotional needs, but situations like this (when I feel overwhelmed and want to go into self-protective mode) I really have to watch my words because I'll approach the topic in a PURELY logical way, COMPLETELY devoid of empathy. It's a bad trait of mine.
 
I specifically said to SO...don't book matinee tickets as I probably won't be able to sort out babysitting until 6pm.

I just received this text.......'baby, I booked tickets for 4pm. If thats not ok let me know and hopefully I can change them'

I have no words at this point.
 
Hmmmm. Seeing some things I dont like. Patterns of behavior that are questionable (to me). Nothing abusive or immoral just differences in lifestyle and decision-making.

Dealbreakers? Idk. Going to continue observing and see how they sit with me.
 
Sooooo...
I bumped into the guy who parks his car in the same area as me and uhm he remembered my name. I haven't seen him since Spring when we first met. *look*
 
Bublin said:
I specifically said to SO...don't book matinee tickets as I probably won't be able to sort out babysitting until 6pm.

I just received this text.......'baby, I booked tickets for 4pm. If thats not ok let me know and hopefully I can change them'

I have no words at this point.
Click to expand...

men are dumb. he probably wasn't even listening. just repeat your initial request in a calm manner and let him fix the issue.
 
Intimacy and vulnerability are NOT my strong suits.

He wanted me to do this exercise where we sit facing each other, holding hands, look into each others eyes and say the first thing that comes to mind about the other person. I didn't do well, I delayed and delayed the exercise trying to distract him. Then I kept giggling and said really silly things when it was my turn to say something. Eventually my big girl panties were put on and I took it more seriously. It was fun actually....

I have never been vulnerable in a relationship and was/am very comfortable having these not so deep, not so serious relationships. My ex told me that I like being in those perpetually uncertain relationships. (Temporary permanence is what he said) and I laughed but maybe he's right....
Now that I think about it, I've never been truly vulnerable in a mutually loving relationship. Once, he tried to get me to express emotions and I was so uncomfortable that I cried. Like really!??? I'm so much more comfortable cracking jokes, giggle etc. when will I grow up?
 
Fine 4s said:
Intimacy and vulnerability are NOT my strong suits. He wanted me to do this exercise where we sit facing each other, holding hands, look into each others eyes and say the first thing that comes to mind about the other person. I didn't do well, I delayed and delayed the exercise trying to distract him. Then I kept giggling and said really silly things when it was my turn to say something. Eventually my big girl panties were put on and I took it more seriously. It was fun actually.... I have never been vulnerable in a relationship and was/am very comfortable having these not so deep, not so serious relationships. My ex told me that I like being in those perpetually uncertain relationships. (Temporary permanence is what he said) and I laughed but maybe he's right.... Now that I think about it, I've never been truly vulnerable in a mutually loving relationship. Once, he tried to get me to express emotions and I was so uncomfortable that I cried. Like really!??? I'm so much more comfortable cracking jokes, giggle etc. when will I grow up?
Click to expand...


Only when you deal with whatever your road block is. :yup:
 
Fine 4s said:
Now that I think about it, I've never been truly vulnerable in a mutually loving relationship. Once, he tried to get me to express emotions and I was so uncomfortable that I cried. Like really!??? I'm so much more comfortable cracking jokes, giggle etc. when will I grow up?
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We're you able to talk openly about feelings with your parents when you were
growing up?
 
Sumra

No. Mom died before I had a chance to develop, dad wasn't around.
When I'm asked to share emotions, I feel scared, I feel like "I'm showing my cards". I feel like my emotions should remain my secret. Sometimes I write poetry and could NEVER show anyone. Anything close to my heart, I don't share. Also goes for my relationship with God. Very private. Don't like going to church with people.
But this fear seems to be specific to men I'm emotionally involved with. He says he wants to help me so *shrug* I appreciate that but I will address it myself as well. It will help with whomever becomes my husband. This one is completely in love with me but I'm afraid he might find me emotionally stunted, and I am. I can acknowledge that. And my MBTI is ENFP! Lawd....
 
SamandI said:
men are dumb. he probably wasn't even listening. just repeat your initial request in a calm manner and let him fix the issue.
Click to expand...

Yep....men are dumb!

Well the issue is resolved. He called the box office, got a refund and purchased the evening tickets.
 
Fine 4s said:
How do I ID it! My assumption is daddy issues? This is great to be able to talk about it here. Maybe my $6.50 is paying off! J/k I luh y'all..... NGraceO
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LOL! I'm an analytical introvert who has learned through experiences and self-reflection what my road block is to emotional intimacy/availability. However, that doesn't mean I have removed my roadblock.

Maybe try talking thru (or writing about...w/e you prefer) both your past experiences (ie the mentioned "daddy issues," etc) that relate to this issue and current experiences that kind of "trigger" you in this area. I learned a lot by doing this.

However, I will say that knowing isn't enough. It's very much still there for me. I need to seek help to deal with it. Being incapable of emotional intimacy ain't normal, lol. Working through whatever it may be for you, is just as important, if not more, than the knowing.

Essay over. HTH :)
 
[USER]Fine4s[/USER]

Sorry to hear about your Mum. My Mum wasn't interested in talking feelings and my Dad wasn't around. I'm also ENFP/INFP depending on what day it is :look:.

"Opening up" used to cause pain and feeling like it shows weakness. It still feels extremely weird, but I can do it more now after communication therapy:yep:. Feels liberating to not feel gagged and bound by fears of the past.

I've been lucky to have relationships with worthy guys, but still theres like a brick wall up to some extent. I'm as close and as vulnerable as I've ever been with SO and it feels great, but there's still a part held back. I'm not sure if that will disappear completely and I need to accept that. Still I did want to be better than I was at least which I've achieved. I know it's possible for you too.
 
Sumra said:
[USER]Fine4s[/USER] Sorry to hear about your Mum. My Mum wasn't interested in talking feelings and my Dad wasn't around. I'm also ENFP/INFP depending on what day it is :look:. "Opening up" used to cause pain and feeling like it shows weakness. It still feels extremely weird, but I can do it more now after communication therapy:yep:. Feels liberating to not feel gagged and bound by fears of the past. I've been lucky to have relationships with worthy guys, but still theres like a brick wall up to some extent. I'm as close and as vulnerable as I've ever been with SO and it feels great, but there's still a part held back. I'm not sure if that will disappear completely and I need to accept that. Still I did want to be better than I was at least which I've achieved. I know it's possible for you too.
Click to expand...

Communication therapy sounds really interesting. Do you feel like you were more so overcoming your core issues with vulnerability or just learning technique to make it less painful?
 
Ok last post.... He made fried catfish, mash pot with gravy and corn. And for desert he's making crepes as we speak! Yessssssssss..... Motivation to work through my emotional blocks!!!! Woop woop....
 

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Just a random thought, but dating a man for 17 years is an awfully long time for you to be BEGGING him to marry you. He's fine on his end, you're still hanging on. That is just ridiculous. Cut your losses. He may be afraid of commitment, but you're afraid of moving on. Get what you want - a marriage. It's just not going to be with him, honey. Get your life!
 
Things are totally good. He's making me dinner at his place as I type.... Smells yummy.

Looking forward to bringing him home for thanksgiving this week!
 
We are on vacation for a whole week on the island of Kauai, Hawaii for Thanksgiving then off to Vegas for my birthday! !
 
I hate this!!! Dh has been goes for almost a month and I miss him so. Can't wait to see him Tuesday and then move in December. Long distance really sucks
 
NGraceO said:
Communication therapy sounds really interesting. Do you feel like you were more so overcoming your core issues with vulnerability or just learning technique to make it less painful?
Click to expand...

Its called transactional analysis. Its all about getting to the root of the problem. So if the communication issues are connected to your parent/child relationship, or other life events (like bullying etc..), you work on that and moving on.

Its hard to explain because theres a lot to it, but it was well worth the money. Its very hard though because you have to work on the defence mechanisms that you've been using for years to protect yourself. It is no joke.:look:
 
Man I wish everyone could experience a love this! A love that makes you want to cry tears of joy and question what you were doing before this. It ain't perfect but it's definitely worth and God I am so thankful. There is absolutely and definitively SOMEone for EVERYone.
 
This relationship has run its course, and I don't know how to get out of it. I'm just bored and tired of the bull**** and I'm ready to move on. My eye has been wandering for over a year...so bad that I am even eyeing his cousin. And I normally wouldn't be thinking about him because he is definitely NOT my type.

1)I don't like his family. Just hood and ignorant.

2) His BM is now a problem. She is pregnant with her third child and unemployed. And she feels she can take out her emotions on my SO because her other BD isn't handling his business. I'm not ready to deal with the kid and the BM crap.

3) I'm sick of him always trying to take the easy way out. He doesn't seem to understand that his prior way of living neverv worked. I care about him but I do't think it goes further than that. I can't picture him being my DH after all this time.

4)He's not a man in the areas where he really needs to be a man. And he's not very romantic. I guess it's not really his fault because he has never had any positive male role models. This may sound mean but that's not really my problem.

I know relationships are hard but our time together wouldn't have been so stressed-filled if he hadn't lied about certain information. We are just too different...he was born and raised in Baltimore; I was not. We aren't compatible. I have been plotting my escape for months but I don't how to get started.
 
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