Zaynab said:I had to scroll back to see what ya'll were talking about.
If you're pushing 40, I would not give a man 2.5 years to know if you're the one. They generally know sooner than that. 1 year is sufficient enough. Also, there shouldn't be any "hinting around". If a man has clear intentions to marry you, he basically makes that clear up front and follows accordingly. Just randomly mentioning marriage isn't an indication to me. The other paragraph I read doesn't give me clear signs he wants to get married. It's more like "Yeah I wanna get married one day" But that's what I called misguided/ un directed dating. If you're pushing 40, you need to be a bit more proactive in dating.
If y'all are asking me about keeping your options open and dating other people which is what I think I was tagged on, if I were 40, this would DEFINITELY be the case. You have to cast a wider net to get what you want. Often just dating someone and it's going great, is just all that. And then 2.5 years later you are holding an empty bag. I would date other men, at least 2 others. It doesn't have to be about sex either and honestly it's not cheating if you dont' have a commitment with a man. You're not engaged and there's been no clear discussion of marriage, then you're options are at least open to explore. You don't have to tell him that you're seeing other men but you need not be dating men that you know up front are marriage minded. That when you meet them, you are stating you are looking for a relationship that ends in getting engaged.
I find that women have a hard time dating more than one man, but trust men do it. And maybe not sleeping with them or seeing them all the time, but they have women that they are seeing/communicating with just "in case" you don't work out. It's hard for women to believe but we wouldn't heart all of these stories about how you're dating a guy for three years, then he ups and marries someone when you break up in 6months. He probably knew that person while he was dating you
Zaynab,
The 2.5 is the amount of time I'm comfortable with.
He knows what I want as I've told him I'm dating with the purpose of getting married. However I'm not sure of the results of this year long assessment nor am I certain that *I* am the one for him and vice versa hence my time requirement. If I'm not sure about him after 2 years I probably shouldn't be here.
ITA agree that him wanting to get married ONE day is not enough.
How does one keep their options open if in a commitment relationship? If I knew he was having 'conversations' with other women, I might wanna bounce on that alone...
Zaynab,
If I knew he was having 'conversations' with other women, I might wanna bounce on that alone...
wow.........
what we wow'ing about
Zaynab said:Ok if you're cool with 2.5 years of dating, then IF right now you two are still not sure if the other person is the one-what happens in 2.5 years if it turns out you're not? You will have to start all over. I just think you should keep your options open in dating or be "open" to dating other men. If a man asks you out, why not go? coffee, dinner, etc. That's establishing a friendship and if he's marriage minded, who knows. he could also be at a better stage, place where he's ready to get married sooner, etc. Women date the wrong way. Women date and lock in one person, then it's a waste of time when that person doesn't work out in the way they thought. Men don't do this.
My point is a bf/gf relationship is a type of commitment but the wrong one that people focus on. If you committed to someone like you do in a bf/gf relationship what's the benefit of marriage? I think women give too much to boyfriends, that's just me. What's a boyfriend? He deserves a level of respect and commitment but a true commitment would be one that is a relationship that is for a fact ending in an engagement/married.
Women commit themselves on a level that most men simply do not. If a man is not committed to you, meaning engaged or seriously discussing a timeline to be engaged, he is keeping his options open. That doesn't mean he's looking or he's having conversations with someone but he's open to it because he hasn't locked anyone in. If that makes sense. Men truly consider themselves single until engaged/ married. I know enough men to do know this is a fact. It doesn't mean they are talking to or sexing or dating someone but they seem to get the commitment/ vs boyfriend/girlfriend relationship down pat moreso than women do.
Women commit themselves on a level that most men simply do not. If a man is not committed to you, meaning engaged or seriously discussing a timeline to be engaged, he is keeping his options open. That doesn't mean he's looking or he's having conversations with someone but he's open to it because he hasn't locked anyone in. If that makes sense. Men truly consider themselves single until engaged/ married. I know enough men to do know this is a fact. It doesn't mean they are talking to or sexing or dating someone but they seem to get the commitment/ vs boyfriend/girlfriend relationship down pat moreso than women do.
Zaynab
You view a timeline to be engaged/married acceptable to stop the plan Bs, or do you keep dating until the actual proposal and date set?
Example: My house mate and her bf have been together 3 years. They both plan to get married, buy a house and have kids as soon as he finishes his medical degree in 2 more years. She is 22, he is 24.
I'm in a similar situation and also a student, plus LDR -_-. We have a timeline and both agree with the order things will happen in. Technically though, because its a time frame that involves 2-3 years till the actual marriage, things could finish before fruition. Engagements end and whatnot. When do you stop actively dating others?
GREAT points!
If this relationship doesn't culminate to marriage, I'm def. going to PM you for some step by step tactics
@Zaynab I think the problem women have is being seen as cheating. Like if they are in an exclusive relationship(havent seriously discussed marriage etc) and yet they are still dating others, if the dude finds out or his friends find out then they are accused of cheating and whatever "hope" they have for it to ever lead to marriage is gone
so I guess the question is..how do they get around that or should they just NOT agree to being exclusive until dude makes it clear he wants to actually marry them and not no "maybe someday" type situation
Zaynab I think the problem women have is being seen as cheating. Like if they are in an exclusive relationship(havent seriously discussed marriage etc) and yet they are still dating others, if the dude finds out or his friends find out then they are accused of cheating and whatever "hope" they have for it to ever lead to marriage is gone
so I guess the question is..how do they get around that or should they just NOT agree to being exclusive until dude makes it clear he wants to actually marry them and not no "maybe someday" type situation
Zaynab I think the problem women have is being seen as cheating. Like if they are in an exclusive relationship(havent seriously discussed marriage etc) and yet they are still dating others, if the dude finds out or his friends find out then they are accused of cheating and whatever "hope" they have for it to ever lead to marriage is gone
so I guess the question is..how do they get around that or should they just NOT agree to being exclusive until dude makes it clear he wants to actually marry them and not no "maybe someday" type situation
Zaynab I think the problem women have is being seen as cheating. Like if they are in an exclusive relationship(havent seriously discussed marriage etc) and yet they are still dating others, if the dude finds out or his friends find out then they are accused of cheating and whatever "hope" they have for it to ever lead to marriage is gone
so I guess the question is..how do they get around that or should they just NOT agree to being exclusive until dude makes it clear he wants to actually marry them and not no "maybe someday" type situation
jturner7156 said:Zaynab...you are speaking the truth. I had a guy who got too complacent. He made a statement like if you wasnt talking to me...you would still be waiting anyway..so yeah i ended that 2 months in and it was a good decision.
barbiesocialite said:the bolded.
No one owes anyone anything until its in writing on a legal document.
I've posted about my guy friend before, he and the others know I'm not getting rid of anyone until I'm ready to marry so it's best they not ask. In event they do ask, they will get an honest answer like my guy friend did which let him know it's not a game so he asked "so how many men am I competing with? what do I need to do to make them go away?"
ETA: I don't ask men about other women. I don't care. I'm worried about me and them in the here and now. As long as I'm happy I don't concern myself with anything else. It will take care of itself. Furthermore, when you go looking you WILL find, I never go looking either.
I wish I could have been as cut and dry as you are back when I was your age... Well maybe cut and dry isn't the phrase but more about just living my life freely. I might have enjoyed life a bit more. I was always about exclusivity and thank God I was in those type of relationships that supported that. But I think on the other hand it left me a bit sheltered if that makes any sense. Although I do consider myself people/man smart to a large degree, I feel like I missed out on a lot of key things and learned them the hard way later in life.
I remember one experience I had that cause me to question my intelligence to its very core at 40. I kept thinking if I wasn't so rigid about certain things early on, I may have learned this lesson earlier or have been smart enough to bypass it all together.
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Men don't often ask for exclusivity. Women just give it to them and assume. This is what I find happens. Then two years later they wonder why they aren't "on the same page". I would take anything someone gave me that I didn't have to put that much work in for either, while I kept looking around what I wanted.
@Zaynab I think the problem women have is being seen as cheating. Like if they are in an exclusive relationship(havent seriously discussed marriage etc) and yet they are still dating others, if the dude finds out or his friends find out then they are accused of cheating and whatever "hope" they have for it to ever lead to marriage is gone
so I guess the question is..how do they get around that or should they just NOT agree to being exclusive until dude makes it clear he wants to actually marry them and not no "maybe someday" type situation
Fine [B said:I know some dudes who would NOT put up with that 'keeping options open' approach[/B]
I did this until I was exclusive with SO.
I have never heard someone stop dating other men until MARRIAGE though, interesting. Wow, that is GANG-TAH.
How would I test the dang-a-lang? LOL