2012 Whats happening Relationship Folks
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Raine054
Well-Known Member
Thank-you so much VeryBecoming
I am so happy. There is hope for love out there. I never settled and I got what I wanted. I feel so blessed.
I am so happy. There is hope for love out there. I never settled and I got what I wanted. I feel so blessed.
BGT
Well-Known Member
SO is going camping/hunting this weekend and will have no cell phone reception. So since it's Bama/LSU weekend, I will be going out Friday and Saturday night and tailgating all day. He doesn't like it when I barhop; I don't like it when he's in the middle of nowhere and can't talk to me. Oh well, he'll be fine. 
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Fine 4s
Well-Known Member
Zaynab said:I had to scroll back to see what ya'll were talking about.
If you're pushing 40, I would not give a man 2.5 years to know if you're the one. They generally know sooner than that. 1 year is sufficient enough. Also, there shouldn't be any "hinting around". If a man has clear intentions to marry you, he basically makes that clear up front and follows accordingly. Just randomly mentioning marriage isn't an indication to me. The other paragraph I read doesn't give me clear signs he wants to get married. It's more like "Yeah I wanna get married one day" But that's what I called misguided/ un directed dating. If you're pushing 40, you need to be a bit more proactive in dating.
If y'all are asking me about keeping your options open and dating other people which is what I think I was tagged on, if I were 40, this would DEFINITELY be the case. You have to cast a wider net to get what you want. Often just dating someone and it's going great, is just all that. And then 2.5 years later you are holding an empty bag. I would date other men, at least 2 others. It doesn't have to be about sex either and honestly it's not cheating if you dont' have a commitment with a man. You're not engaged and there's been no clear discussion of marriage, then you're options are at least open to explore. You don't have to tell him that you're seeing other men but you need not be dating men that you know up front are marriage minded. That when you meet them, you are stating you are looking for a relationship that ends in getting engaged.
I find that women have a hard time dating more than one man, but trust men do it. And maybe not sleeping with them or seeing them all the time, but they have women that they are seeing/communicating with just "in case" you don't work out. It's hard for women to believe but we wouldn't heart all of these stories about how you're dating a guy for three years, then he ups and marries someone when you break up in 6months. He probably knew that person while he was dating you
Zaynab,
The 2.5 is the amount of time I'm comfortable with.
He knows what I want as I've told him I'm dating with the purpose of getting married. However I'm not sure of the results of this year long assessment nor am I certain that *I* am the one for him and vice versa hence my time requirement. If I'm not sure about him after 2 years I probably shouldn't be here.
ITA agree that him wanting to get married ONE day is not enough.
How does one keep their options open if in a commitment relationship? If I knew he was having 'conversations' with other women, I might wanna bounce on that alone...
I need more rest and me timeOk if you're cool with 2.5 years of dating, then IF right now you two are still not sure if the other person is the one-what happens in 2.5 years if it turns out you're not? You will have to start all over. I just think you should keep your options open in dating or be "open" to dating other men. If a man asks you out, why not go? coffee, dinner, etc. That's establishing a friendship and if he's marriage minded, who knows. he could also be at a better stage, place where he's ready to get married sooner, etc. Women date the wrong way. Women date and lock in one person, then it's a waste of time when that person doesn't work out in the way they thought. Men don't do this.
My point is a bf/gf relationship is a type of commitment but the wrong one that people focus on. If you committed to someone like you do in a bf/gf relationship what's the benefit of marriage? I think women give too much to boyfriends, that's just me. What's a boyfriend? He deserves a level of respect and commitment but a true commitment would be one that is a relationship that is for a fact ending in an engagement/married.
Women commit themselves on a level that most men simply do not. If a man is not committed to you, meaning engaged or seriously discussing a timeline to be engaged, he is keeping his options open. That doesn't mean he's looking or he's having conversations with someone but he's open to it because he hasn't locked anyone in. If that makes sense. Men truly consider themselves single until engaged/ married. I know enough men to do know this is a fact. It doesn't mean they are talking to or sexing or dating someone but they seem to get the commitment/ vs boyfriend/girlfriend relationship down pat moreso than women do.
It happens. That's all I'm going to say. Not saying he is or that it's even wrong but if they aren't deciding on you (you generally) they are still keeping their options open
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
wow.........
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
what we wow'ing about
some stuff some women do and think makes me
i see why women stay butt hurt about and over some man that isnt their dh. Its a choice. You can choose to be naive and/or live with blinders on or choose to wait on a man, or you can make ish happen. At the end of the day, its all a choice. Personally, its too exhausting for me. I'm only emotionally investing in one man: the one I marry. Everything else is what it is and simply a matter of collateral damage. eh, ish happens. deal.
Zaynab
You view a timeline to be engaged/married acceptable to stop the plan Bs, or do you keep dating until the actual proposal and date set?
Example: My house mate and her bf have been together 3 years. They both plan to get married, buy a house and have kids as soon as he finishes his medical degree in 2 more years. She is 22, he is 24.
I'm in a similar situation and also a student, plus LDR -_-. We have a timeline and both agree with the order things will happen in. Technically though, because its a time frame that involves 2-3 years till the actual marriage, things could finish before fruition. Engagements end and whatnot. When do you stop actively dating others?
I give being in graduate school/medical school more time. I still don't believe in actively NOT dating people until it's CLEARLY established that we are getting engaged. If that discussion is on the table like, e.g. here is the plan, I graduate in March and you graduate in June, etc. We've met each other's family, the family has been approached discussed about future plans together, etc. Not that it's random like "Yea I wanna get married one day/some day", none of that. I find that women hold on to those nuggets and think that means they want to marry them-when in fact men are speaking generally or as if they haven't decided on you. If you've clearly discussed it and it's a clearly laid out plan timetable-then I wouldn't actively date others.
I didn't stop actively dating people until DH clearly laid out his intention to marry me. Now he told me three weeks after meeting me "I think I wanna marry you". Blah. That didn't mean anything to me. I continued to date people until he clearly laid it out, with a timetable and I dated people loosely, e.g. had male friends that I knew liked me and wanted to date me seriously until I got my engagement ring. I had no qualms about doing that either. It wasn't anything I openly discussed but I didn't feel sneaky about it either
GREAT points!
If this relationship doesn't culminate to marriage, I'm def. going to PM you for some step by step tactics
I just caution you to spend 2.5 years dating someone and leaving empty handed when you're "pushing 40" as you stated. But good luck!!! I mean that seriously too
FelaShrine
Well-Known Member
Zaynab I think the problem women have is being seen as cheating. Like if they are in an exclusive relationship(havent seriously discussed marriage etc) and yet they are still dating others, if the dude finds out or his friends find out then they are accused of cheating and whatever "hope" they have for it to ever lead to marriage is gone
so I guess the question is..how do they get around that or should they just NOT agree to being exclusive until dude makes it clear he wants to actually marry them and not no "maybe someday" type situation
so I guess the question is..how do they get around that or should they just NOT agree to being exclusive until dude makes it clear he wants to actually marry them and not no "maybe someday" type situation
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
the bolded.
No one owes anyone anything until its in writing on a legal document.
I've posted about my guy friend before, he and the others know I'm not getting rid of anyone until I'm ready to marry so it's best they not ask. In event they do ask, they will get an honest answer like my guy friend did which let him know it's not a game so he asked "so how many men am I competing with? what do I need to do to make them go away?"
ETA: I don't ask men about other women. I don't care. I'm worried about me and them in the here and now. As long as I'm happy I don't concern myself with anything else. It will take care of itself. Furthermore, when you go looking you WILL find, I never go looking either.
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@ the first bolded--This is just an unfortunate trap that women find themselves in. The problem where women fail is they GIVE too much to men in the wrong capacity and they trust in the wrong capacity. You should only give/trust in the scope of that relationship. It's just a hard concept to grasp but if you're boyfriend/girlfriend to give them 100% of everything like you would in a marriage-your finances, your body, your life? No. The scope of giving and trust in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship IMO wouldn't be the same as you would give in a marriage. People confuse this and think if they 'cheat' as a boyfriend/girlfriend then they will as a spouse. No that was just their role at the time and it doesn't require the bond of commitment that people seem to think it does. There is a level of commitment but not the way women define it. If not, what is the marriage benefit really? If everyone gives and trusts on the same level, why ever get married?
@ the second bolded-- Without it seeming like I'm being glib or rude
but I find that women lock themselves in with men they are dating for fear of scarring them away because they can't get anyone else. Dating more than one person until you get a commitment makes you feel more confident about your options. So what if you're seeing other men casually but he's not committed to you? That let's him know you're in demand. A man that's not commited to you should not feel comfy in a his situation. A comfy man is one that sits back and drags his feet. Men are competitive-if they want something, they will go after it and make it theirs. If they are iffy or still playing the field, they don't want to commit. Women are giving loyalty to men that don't deserve it. Commitment/loyalty comes with a commitment from them as well. Don't give what you aren't getting. Women are so worried about turning the "one" away but we also meet a guy, go out three times and think he is the one. But the men aren't doing that-they are still dating who they want. If he's turned off because you still have male friends, then they aren't the one for you. Keep it moving. I think women are so afraid they don't have any other options so they make the "one" their only option and give waayyyyy more than they should. I wanted to start a thread once and it's timely about how many women have experienced or know of a man they were "dating" or didn't have a true commitment with who "all sudden got engaged or married" WHILE they 'knew' him or were 'dating' him? Its hurtful but I've seen it happen over and over and over and over. It recently happened to a girl I work with. She was like "well we had been talking, seeing each other...and he got engaged to this other girl". Women need to befriend more men and they would understand true dating and why not to give so much so soon and then leave empty handed. I know men that have done it and when I ask them say "oh we were just friends, if I wanted to be with her, I would have told her" *shrugs*. If women think that men aren't weeding ya'll out until he lays it out on the table clearly, they are crazy.
I hope I'm making sense, I started and stopped this a few times.
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. I like animals kind of, but don't want to live with a big one full time. Ever.Men don't often ask for exclusivity. Women just give it to them and assume. This is what I find happens. Then two years later they wonder why they aren't "on the same page". I would take anything someone gave me that I didn't have to put that much work in for either, while I kept looking around what I wanted.
jturner7156
New Member
Zaynab...you are speaking the truth. I had a guy who got too complacent. He made a statement like if you wasnt talking to me...you would still be waiting anyway..so yeah i ended that 2 months in and it was a good decision.
Je Ne Sais Quoi
Well-Known Member
jturner7156 said:
Wow. What an arse...
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
barbiesocialite said:the bolded.
No one owes anyone anything until its in writing on a legal document.
I've posted about my guy friend before, he and the others know I'm not getting rid of anyone until I'm ready to marry so it's best they not ask. In event they do ask, they will get an honest answer like my guy friend did which let him know it's not a game so he asked "so how many men am I competing with? what do I need to do to make them go away?"
ETA: I don't ask men about other women. I don't care. I'm worried about me and them in the here and now. As long as I'm happy I don't concern myself with anything else. It will take care of itself. Furthermore, when you go looking you WILL find, I never go looking either.
I wish I could have been as cut and dry as you are back when I was your age... Well maybe cut and dry isn't the phrase but more about just living my life freely. I might have enjoyed life a bit more. I was always about exclusivity and thank God I was in those type of relationships that supported that. But I think on the other hand it left me a bit sheltered if that makes any sense. Although I do consider myself people/man smart to a large degree, I feel like I missed out on a lot of key things and learned them the hard way later in life.
I remember one experience I had that cause me to question my intelligence to its very core at 40. I kept thinking if I wasn't so rigid about certain things early on, I may have learned this lesson earlier or have been smart enough to bypass it all together.
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RoundEyedGirl504
Well-Known Member
So the Bay Area has some cool meet up groups. Im about to start networking for male and female friends. I'm ready!
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
I appreciate your posts @ChasingBliss, they are very honest and insightful. Truthfully speaking, I think being open about one's insecurities or past shortcomings is not all that common. Plus, I like hearing a wiser, more calm & refined perspective that my youth simply doesnt have as of yet.
Speaking of this topic, this reminds me of my ex that I periodically come to Relationship RT to throw a temper tantrum about. I question my intelligence. I don't even think I like him, however, I play his game which brings me to the back and forth dance a lot of women do that goes nowhere.
He's a Sag, I'm a Pisces, we are emotional equals just on opposite ends of the spectrum. Both charismatic, except he's an extrovert, I'm an introvert. He's stone cold/passive-ag and I'm emotional diahrea/overtly aggressive. However, the problem is that since he's exceptionally emotionally regulated to go tit for tat with me, which drives me nuts. He knows my MO and can play my game, so he does. He's the type where I could be in my wedding dress, walking down the aisle and when the preacher acts if anyone opposes the union, this fool would stand up get on his knee and propose. Problem with that is, we'd be engaged but I'd be sitting just with that ring for another 4-5 years and end up hurt when the sh*t falls through. It'd be my fault in the end, bc like Maya Angelou says when someone shows you who they are. believe them. Most people show their true colors, within weeks to a couple months, some in a couple days of knowing them. I think most women like the convenience and comfort of ignoring or not confronting the truth with men and their relationships.Anyway, dunno why I felt the need to tell that story but I did so eh lol It's just harder to hold my ex to the same rules and expectations I hold everyone else to. It's annoying
I doubt we'd ever get to that point anyway, I'm not an Evelyn, I'm an Elin with a mix of Lorena Bobbitt. When I'm upset, HE leaves me in HIS own house w/everything in it--he's even left his car and keys before. I dont like playing around with that fool 
Eta: technically we're not even talking at the moment, I'm just bothered I've been answering a few of his texts/calls (not all, I havent received enough presents to entertain a full conversation with that idiot ). but yes, I know its playing with fire....
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Fine 4s
Well-Known Member
@Zaynab,
I love your perspective, it's very different.
Not sure if would work for everybody though. I know some dudes who would NOT put up with that 'keeping options open' approach and then the ring goes 'poof' IF that's her end goal.
As far as exclusivity goes, my guy brought it up first and even asked the forbidden 'what are we doing?' question first.
But like I said, I'd be willing to TRY your approach if given the opportunity to.
I did this until I was exclusive with SO.
I have never heard someone stop dating other men until MARRIAGE though, interesting. Wow, that is GANG-TAH.
How would I test the dang-a-lang? LOL
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Fine [B said:
I'm not saying tell them that you are keeping your options open but you don't have to tell a man everything, they don't need to feel comfortable and know your every move. Men like mystery. I mean if you have a casual date with someone, I don't see that you have to tell them that, coffee, lunch, it's not sex? *shrugs*
I mean not until marriage until it's been clearly laid out and I have a set time table that we are getting engaged. That it's been THOROUGHLY discussed of what the intentions are.
@ the bolded--hey whatevers clever
Yes, You hit me up if you need to in the future. Like all the other 50-11 posters PM me about this
. But it works, trust me. Hey if normal isn't working, try weird, you never know.Similar threads
