19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person

[lushcoils]

My (African) parents (I'm 22): Don't worry about boys, just focus on the books and get that PhD and everything will work out because God will bring me a man. They also discourage me from going out because it messes up the GPA.

Yea, it will all work out when I'm 30 with a PhD and no dating experience..some how I will get proposed to from my husband who will fall from the sky. Parents say the darnest things. If I start dating, I just won't tell them unless it gets serious.

 

[Sunshine_One]

All so true... but the crazy thing is, the people I'm thinking of who usually talk about this "not looking" thing (in relation to your post about your acquaintance) are STILL single!

I was just in a Facebook convo about this... the topic was something about relationships in general (Are there slim pickings out there?) and one woman said, "There aren't slim pickings if God is doing the choosing. The problem is that a lot of women aren't patient and start looking instead of letting God bring their mate."

I looked at her profile and it said that she was single.

The dude who started the conversation shut that down quickly by saying, "There's nothing wrong with being proactive." Then I added my two cents.

ITA....I know that was a lively FB dialogue!

 

[N.P.R. Addict]

There is this one message board where I've seen a posters come down hard on women who require a mate to have certain credentials educationally and professionally--but these same posters will be in threads talking about how they'll only get with men who have a certain size member, which is usually much larger than average, or how the only men they'll consider are those who can bust them inside out in the bedroom and have them limping the next day. They all get high-fives and 'you go girl!', but don't come in there talking about how wallet size is more important to you than an anacondaerplexed! GOLDDIGGER and 'that's why you're single!' I find it amazing how they'll roll their eyes at some ladies for their preferences, but high five each other over their own.

So that means all of these women test the waters BEFORE they get anything serious? Puhlease!

 

[N.P.R. Addict]

It gets better... another Facebook discussion on a site aimed at black brides...

People were criticizing a woman who was criticizing her friend (a lawyer) for marrying a dude who couldn't read or write.

90% of the women said, "Who cares? As long as he's good to her! She can teach him to read and write."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

I mean, this is beyond the garbage man vs. professional man subject. Dude is ILLITERATE!!!

And then folks had the nerve to say that since the initial woman was still single, she didn't have anything to say.

Do you have a link here?

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

This has been a funny thread..and alot of these same comments from people burn my gears I mean I get that I'm still relatively young 24 however as someone said before I would like to get deeper in me by having someone though...I get some people who I don't know if it's a stab at me or they are just idiotic,but oh maybe you should lose a few lbs before having so many desires of a man or you should settle for anyone that shows interest..I did that at age 20 and thank God for my car accident..knocked some sense into me.

 

[Mai Tai]

It gets better... another Facebook discussion on a site aimed at black brides...

People were criticizing a woman who was criticizing her friend (a lawyer) for marrying a dude who couldn't read or write.

90% of the women said, "Who cares? As long as he's good to her! She can teach him to read and write."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

I mean, this is beyond the garbage man vs. professional man subject. Dude is ILLITERATE!!!

And then folks had the nerve to say that since the initial woman was still single, she didn't have anything to say.

Sooooo wait a minute...

Not only do we have to work 40+ hours, educate ourselves, raise children, maintain a household, and feed and clothe ourselves...but NOW we gotta teach grown A$$ KNEEGROWS how to read too?!?!?!?

Get the F#&^ Out Of Here With That Mutha-F*$@^$% Bull-S&@$!!!

 

[foxee]

This is why I'm worried about my older cousins who will be attending my wedding next month. They are all over 30 (about 9 or 10 of them) and unmarried. I know that my aunts and older relatives will be asking them questions and even if they don't they'll be giving them weird looks.

Awww, I'm sure they'll still have fun! But that is sweet of you to be concerned about their feelings. I was being slightly facetious in my post. I love everything about weddings - the dress, the flowers, two people madly in love . . . I just want to enjoy it without being hassled by family and friends. Deep down I think people really mean well with their comments but sometimes they come off really condescending.

On a positive note, I have never received any pressure from my parents which is refreshing considering I'm an only child.

 

[N.P.R. Addict]

It gets better... another Facebook discussion on a site aimed at black brides...

People were criticizing a woman who was criticizing her friend (a lawyer) for marrying a dude who couldn't read or write.

90% of the women said, "Who cares? As long as he's good to her! She can teach him to read and write."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

I mean, this is beyond the garbage man vs. professional man subject. Dude is ILLITERATE!!!

And then folks had the nerve to say that since the initial woman was still single, she didn't have anything to say.

One of the responses:

Bishop Satin L. Boykinds No, she shouldn't Love is unconditional. I believe she is his inspiration in his life to learn to read and to write. Just because he can't read or write does not mean he isn't intelligent.

I had hoped you were fibbing!

 

[Bunny77]

One of the responses:

Bishop Satin L. Boykinds No, she shouldn't Love is unconditional. I believe she is his inspiration in his life to learn to read and to write. Just because he can't read or write does not mean he isn't intelligent.

I had hoped you were fibbing!

See, I couldn't even try to make this stuff up! If I tried, it still wouldn't be as crazy as that thread!!!!

Okay, "bishop."

 

[MizAvalon]

Sooooo wait a minute...

Not only do we have to work 40+ hours, educate ourselves, raise children, maintain a household, and feed and clothe ourselves...but NOW we gotta teach grown A$$ KNEEGROWS how to read too?!?!?!?

Get the F#&^ Out Of Here With That Mutha-F*$@^$% Bull-S&@$!!!

Tell us how you really feel!

I agree though. That is a bunch of malarky.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

These people must think teaching someone to read/write is easy? Oh well, gotta give it to the guy, he snagged himself a lawyer. Next time someone says "You attract what you are, you aren't getting x,y,z if you don't have x,y,z" I will forward this to them. Strangely, men have a much easier time marrying up these days it seems. I wonder why?

 

[LovelyNaps26]

These people must think teaching someone to read/write is easy? Oh well, gotta give it to the guy, he snagged himself a lawyer. Next time someone says "You attract what you are, you aren't getting x,y,z if you don't have x,y,z" I will forward this to them. Strangely, men have a much easier time marrying up these days it seems. I wonder why?

there's something to be said for cultures in which men have to prove himself worthy enough to marry a woman (dowry, job, etc.). i couldn't do the arranged marriage thing b/c i wasn't raised in such a culture but the idea of a man having to come with his stuff together is something i wish was more established in the western world.

 

[TayMac]

One thing I didn't like hearing from my married peers was don't be in a hurry or enjoy being single because marriage "sucks" more or less.

I'm like..I don't expect marriage to be easy and unicorns and daisies all day but don't paint such a gray/dull picture. Maybe you got with the wrong one.

 

[kblc06]

Honestly, I get the "Why don't you have kids yet?" before "Why don't you have a man yet?". The sad part about it is that I'm only 22. Shouldn't the man/marriage come before the kids

Yall forgot the main one. "Why don't you have a man yet?".

 

[BeautifulFlower]

"Get married when there's absolutely nothing left to do"

"Don't worry about what other people do, you don't know what kinda mess she's putting up with in her marriage."

Umm Gee thanks.

This made my eyes pop out of my head. This is what I feel most people want you to do. Like you get married because you're bored. I getting married is such a burden that I only want to do with when I have nothing else to do. WHAT?!?!?

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I've been getting this ALOT

"Oh you should wait till you're at least 30"

Nothing wrong with getting married after 30 and I'm not trying to get married this year but my career aint so interesting that I'll be sooo preoccupied until I am 30. AND THEN I should start looking.

Years does add experience and wisdom but 30 doesnt make someone suddenly ready. I know alot of 30+ men that are worst then 23 year olds.

 

[thatscuteright]

I've been getting this ALOT

"Oh you should wait till you're at least 30"

Nothing wrong with getting married after 30 and I'm not trying to get married this year but my career aint so interesting that I'll be sooo preoccupied until I am 30. AND THEN I should start looking.

Years does add experience and wisdom but 30 doesnt make someone suddenly ready. I know alot of 30+ men that are worst then 23 year olds.

My dad told me to wait till I was 30 and I stupidly listened to him.
How I so regret that piece of useless advice. Now I am 30 and feel like such an unaccomplished old maid.

 

[JinaRicci]

Mind sharing the book? I could add something else to my summer reading.

Sure. The book is Serious About Love: Straight Talk to Single Adults by Dr. Kay Kuzma. I got it from Amazon.com.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

It happens when you're not looking. "This is just bull. Some people find people when they're looking; some don't. You're not doing anything wrong by going out and meeting people." -Beth
​

Beth's response couldn't have been said better if I said it myself. My friends are the WORST about saying this and it gets on my LAST NERVE. They think that just because it "just happened" for them, then it will also "just happen" for me without me needing to make any effort. Now, at least one of them does believe in SOME proactive things on my part - i.e. being sure that I'm out and about engaged in activities. But she also thinks online dating is "pointless" and "inefficient."

You know, I'd love for her to be right and for me to meet the one for me when I'm out and about. But guess what? It hasn't happened yet! And I sometimes have to work insane hours, so, what I'm supposed to just not do anything during that time to meet someone???

The other thing that can be frustrating about my friend is that she has, like, ZERO real dating experience. She's been with the same guy since she was 19!!! So she really has no idea what it's like out here for me.

Now, I will say that because she's outside of things, she can provide some great perspective on things, and I do appreciate it. But I just can't stand when she resorts to so many of the things mentioned in that list.

/off rant...

 

[Bachelorette]

I find that MEN who say these things are indirectly trying to hit on you... that's what many have told me...

It's true and yes its very lame

 

[EccentricRed]

YEEEESSSSSSSSSSS! *Mo'NiqueVoice*

 

[MizAvalon]

YEEEESSSSSSSSSSS! *Mo'NiqueVoice*

OMG-I totally heard her voice in my head!

 

[aribell]

Exactly! I know many people mean no harm when they say that ("you'll meet him when you're not looking") because in their experience, they did meet 'the one' when they weren't looking. I realize that this is usually a young person thing. Young people don't 'look' for mates, so that piece of advice just makes sense to them. Those who got married in their teens and early twenties probably weren't looking--it just happened. After a certain age, it doesn't work like that. When you start focusing more on your career, health, and finances, you don't realize how little 'getting out' you are doing. The men are just as busy with other stuff, so they aren't getting out as much as well. It starts to make sense to make an effort to actually get out and look. Online dating makes so much more sense as well. You have to consider the age at which some people met their SO when it comes to advice.

What's interesting about this in my experience is that 3 different pastors--men and women, different races and denominations--said basically the same thing as the above. But it really was a true reflection of their own experience. The one pastor didn't date at all for 7 years before meeting his now-wife (of like 30 years), and they both "just knew." The other pastor had been dating and was previously married in his 20s (bad choice for him), but reconnected with his now longtime wife when they were both 30, and they both "just knew." Both of these men used that exact language. Both have great marriages and love their wives. The woman pastor had been with her husband for five or so years and was already in her mid-30s when I met her, so her story was probably similar age-wise. She told me to wait as well...

I think that a lot of the cliches persist because they reflect reality for a lot of people. It's just that no one knows which one will be true for them. Maybe the bottom line is to simply do one's best, but there are no guarantees.

Honestly, I get the "Why don't you have kids yet?" before "Why don't you have a man yet?". The sad part about it is that I'm only 22. Shouldn't the man/marriage come before the kids

I get this too. People only rarely ask if I am married, but I am not uncommonly asked if I have kids. :/

 

[jerseygurl]

Everybody always has something to say is what I realized. I refuse to be with somenone who I cannot relate to just because I want to be married, that's okay. I can do bad all by myself

 

[Lenee925]

What people say don't bother me because I love being single.

 

[nappystorm]

I ran into a cousin this weekend that I haven't seen in a while.

Cuz: So are you married? Do you have kids?
Me: Nope. Not married, no kids.
Cuz: What are you waiting on?
Me: A man...