To single/childless ladies from a married chick

[Britt]

This thread is right on time. I have a feeling I'll be single again soon. I'll be 28 in a few wks. My good friend is 30 and is in the same predicament. I know deep down I truly fear being in her shoes, I do not want to be 30 w/o even a potential prospect. I really would like to be in a stable relationship moving towards marriage at that point. My older gf's and coworkers tell us all the time that we should be going out and enjoying our youth and being childless and single. I do agree, but part of me still has a mental timeline and is pressured by society. While i'm in no rush to be married, I really would like to be in a healthy, monogamous relationship.

 

[Prudent1]

Yep, all of that too!!!





I appreciate your words of wisdom & encouragement. I'm not complaining, I'm happy with my life, wouldn't go back to being single. Don't mind giving up my sleepy time (well most of the time), I was just elaborating on some of the differences before marriage & kids vs after. It's not all rosy all the time as some people portray & I was trying to remind the single ladies to enjoy their lives NOW, every stage of life has it own set of obstacles which we choose to face with optimism or pessimism and I'm finding myself reminding myself of that too!

I especially appreciate the red bolded, it certainly helps me to keep things in the right perspective. How old are your babies now?

ITA with the bolded. Very true. It's been tiring but fun! Iwouldn't trade the stages for nothing. They are now 19, 18, and 12.

 

[nappystorm]

I like this thread and the advice.

The only reason I want to get married relatively soon is to color guilt free but I do plan on enjoying myself in the meantime

 

[hairaboutit]

you're right. My mother was trying to say something similar.

it's just hard to enjoy being single when there are so many "black women are eternally single" messages out there. If there were some kind of agreement that I'd marry x guy in 4 years I'd be happy and could live it up! but it's the not knowing, and the wondering, and the worrying... espcially since I'm 28 and everyone I know is settling down. on the one hand i know marriage is for the rest of my life. on the other hand i'm concerned it wont happen for me so i need to hurry up and get married.

it feels like a cruel game of musical chairs. You don't want to be without a chair when the music stops, but everyone is saying "enjoy the music".

but you're right. you're right.

My sentiments EXACTLY! Especially the bolded

 

[BillsBackerz67]

i enjoy the spontaneity of my lifestyle, which is why i question having children. The thought of being married doesnt bother me. Yesterday it felt so good to go to IHOP at 5 in the am without a care in the world. I even appreciate taking a shower with out worrying if my home is being destroyed by little gimlins

 

[Sade']

Love this thread. I LOVE being married to my best friend. We have so much fun together. We make decisions together, travel together etc. We do not have children yet and often wonder when we will be ready to give up this fancy free lifestyle. Sometimes we want to give our parents grandchildren then we get selfish and say NAHHH not right now. We are still renting and would really like to purchase some property and reach our financial and career goals first. We haven't even traveled overseas together yet! LOL j/k but it's like our lives never slow down enough to think about becoming parents. We are approaching 34 and sometimes I do think about my child bearing years. I often do the math b/c I don't want to be chasing after kids or disciplining teens in my 50's! I really don't! Who knows what will happen but for now we are just going with the flow. If it was meant to be it will be.

Thanks OP!

 

[Ladybelle]

Love this thread. I LOVE being married to my best friend. We have so much fun together. We make decisions together, travel together etc. We do not have children yet and often wonder when we will be ready to give up this fancy free lifestyle. Sometimes we want to give our parents grandchildren then we get selfish and say NAHHH not right now. We are still renting and would really like to purchase some property and reach our financial and career goals first. We haven't even traveled overseas together yet! LOL j/k but it's like our lives never slow down enough to think about becoming parents. We are approaching 34 and sometimes I do think about my child bearing years. I often do the math b/c I don't want to be chasing after kids or disciplining teens in my 50's! I really don't! Who knows what will happen but for now we are just going with the flow. If it was meant to be it will be.

Thanks OP!

For just one trip per year, can me & dh live vicariously through you?? LOL!
we take trips, but after kids it's not the same. Even when he & I do go on trips alone,we still find ourselves thinking about our lovely babes. What are they doing? are they okay? do they miss us? Did they go to bed on time? and on,and on and on. And when we finally committ to not thinking about them, we get a phone call from them!

I love the family life, but will tell anyone to enjoy life before marriage & life after marriage without the kiddos. Glad to hear you are enjoying yours!

 

[JustKiya]

To be fair to Ramya's questions, most of those are things you can't do because you have children, not because you are married.

I'm not married, Ramya, but I imagine if I were these are the things I could not do that I can do now:

-quit a job without worrying about anyone but myself
-move to whatever part of the world i wanted to without consulting anyone
-travel whenever i like for as long as i like without considering anyone
-spend money as i please without agreeing with anyone about it
-stay out as late as i want without talking to/checking in with anyone, come/go as i please

So I think my spending big amounts of time overseas working and studying, and my current job search all over the country, are things i probably couldn't do if i were married.

Most of these, I kinda disagree with, in that you can still do all of these things, but you have to add communication on top of it (which seems to be a minor disadvantage in the overall benefits of being married), and I utterly disagree with the bolded - you just have to find the right guy who is willing to do all of that with you. Some of it will actually be easier, because you have in-house support, so to speak.

I do agree with waiting for kids, though. They cramp your style far more than marriage alone ever could.

 

[Sade']

For just one trip per year, can me & dh live vicariously through you?? LOL!
we take trips, but after kids it's not the same. Even when he & I do go on trips alone,we still find ourselves thinking about our lovely babes. What are they doing? are they okay? do they miss us? Did they go to bed on time? and on,and on and on. And when we finally committ to not thinking about them, we get a phone call from them!

I love the family life, but will tell anyone to enjoy life before marriage & life after marriage without the kiddos. Glad to hear you are enjoying yours!

Yes live through us ASuperwoman! LOL

 

[DrC]

Quote:
Originally Posted by THEDONROSSCOLLECTION
Now if only this were written 10-15 years ago before to my friends who decided to get married early and have kids out of wedlock ( no offense). I wouldn't be the ONLY one in the pack of friends Single with no children.....
you sound a little angry about your friends' decisions! No offense taken, things happen for a reason.


you sound a little angry about your friends' decisions! No offense taken, things happen for a reason.

LOL!! Hec yeah I was angry!!!! LOL!! My friends decided to lose their virginities to the sorriest guys in school, drop out of school and spend--exuse me, TRY TO SPEND the rest of they lives with them sorry boys who arent even in their lives to this day, and they thought I was just so high saddity bcz I didnt want to have sex at a young age like they did and didnt go along with "THE CLIQUE" and they stopped hanging with me in highschool...Now years went by and they're like " " dang girl! We' should've listened to you otherwise I wouldnt have all these kids blah blah blah---". They still my friends I love them dearly. Buts its all good like you said: Things happen for a reason.

 

[anon123]

Most of these, I kinda disagree with, in that you can still do all of these things, but you have to add communication on top of it (which seems to be a minor disadvantage in the overall benefits of being married), and I utterly disagree with the bolded - you just have to find the right guy who is willing to do all of that with you. Some of it will actually be easier, because you have in-house support, so to speak.

I do agree with waiting for kids, though. They cramp your style far more than marriage alone ever could.

I don't mean to say that these things outweigh the benefit of marriage. And you will notice that I put "without consulting anyone" on the end of all of those. So yeah, you would have to communicate with your partner if you want to do those things I listed. But what if your partner didn't want to do those things? What if your husband doesn't want to uproot and go live in India for a year? Then there's going to be conflict and trouble. The only point I'm making is that you can make major life decisions on your own if you are single. You can not do that if you are married. You will have to consult someone and be faced with the distinct possibility of them not agreeing. It's not just communication. You can communicate your desires all you want, but if they disagree, that will be a hump you'll have to overcome or give into.

And sure, you might have in-house support, but if you up and move, you have the complication of not just finding a new job for yourself, but finding 2 new jobs, one for yourself and one for your spouse. So if I'm searching all over the country for jobs, as I am now, that is another factor I'd have to take into consideration: can my spouse also get a job there? If not, will my new job outweigh his. These are concerns I don't have now.

There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the benefits of not being married. And I'm not saying that these benefits outweigh the benefits of being married. Like traveling alone or with someone else. Traveling with someone has different pluses and minuses as traveling alone. Most married people acknowledge that marriage is in part about compromise, no? All I'm saying is that, if you are not married, you don't have to compromise in that way. You are held accountable to someone else when you are married.

 

[Ladybelle]

I don't mean to say that these things outweigh the benefit of marriage. And you will notice that I put "without consulting anyone" on the end of all of those. So yeah, you would have to communicate with your partner if you want to do those things I listed. But what if your partner didn't want to do those things? What if your husband doesn't want to uproot and go live in India for a year? Then there's going to be conflict and trouble. The only point I'm making is that you can make major life decisions on your own if you are single. You can not do that if you are married. You will have to consult someone and be faced with the distinct possibility of them not agreeing. It's not just communication. You can communicate your desires all you want, but if they disagree, that will be a hump you'll have to overcome or give into.

And sure, you might have in-house support, but if you up and move, you have the complication of not just finding a new job for yourself, but finding 2 new jobs, one for yourself and one for your spouse. So if I'm searching all over the country for jobs, as I am now, that is another factor I'd have to take into consideration: can my spouse also get a job there? If not, will my new job outweigh his. These are concerns I don't have now.

There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the benefits of not being married. And I'm not saying that these benefits outweigh the benefits of being married. Like traveling alone or with someone else. Traveling with someone has different pluses and minuses as traveling alone. Most married people acknowledge that marriage is in part about compromise, no? All I'm saying is that, if you are not married, you don't have to compromise in that way. You are held accountable to someone else when you are married.

ITA. unless, you marry a man without a backbone and who wants that?

 

[TLC1020]

This is how it feels.. Some say don't rush enjoy your freedom.. Then you see it is hard trying to find a great guy to settle down with... Damn if you do and damn if you don't...

you're right. My mother was trying to say something similar.

it's just hard to enjoy being single when there are so many "black women are eternally single" messages out there. If there were some kind of agreement that I'd marry x guy in 4 years I'd be happy and could live it up! but it's the not knowing, and the wondering, and the worrying... espcially since I'm 28 and everyone I know is settling down. on the one hand i know marriage is for the rest of my life. on the other hand i'm concerned it wont happen for me so i need to hurry up and get married.

it feels like a cruel game of musical chairs. You don't want to be without a chair when the music stops, but everyone is saying "enjoy the music".

but you're right. you're right.

 

[humblebyHIM]

I can relate to everyone's point of view on here. I was one of the few of my friends who waited until 30 to get married and have kids. Now everyone's kids are either in high school or college. I can honestly say that I dont regret waiting. I enjoyed being single in my twenties.:bouncegre Now that I am getting remarried, it puts a different spin on marriage because the kids are already here but in some ways it is good too because we both enjoy family life. We cant wait to have a child together later this year and we are looking forward to see the kids grow up and stand on their own.

Now as far as getting in shape after having my kids. I can honestly say I have been blessed. I may have gain weigh doing my pregnancies but in a good way. (I was REAL tiny when I had my first son at 28 (LMAO Barely 3/4). My second son I went up to about a 5/6. I am currently somewhere between 7-9 depending on my clothes. But at 5'4inches tall and 38 yrs old, I have to say I am loving my size. I would love to say I workout to maintain but NOT!!!

All I am saying is enjoy where you are at, when it is time to make a change enjoy that change. :reddancer:Remember that marriage and children are blessings from God. Let God guide your course and everything will be fine.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

I've never heard the terms "color" and "woo woo" before, but I like it!!