Your man and his female friends

[jaiku]

Am I being ridiculous? How do you ladies feel about your man having female friends? I’m sorry but lately I feel like those chicks gotta go. We are starting to have marriage talk and once were married I fully expect him to kick those chicks to the curb. My BFF thinks I’m being a little immature. I just don’t like another chick having access to my guy. Period. Here is how I break it down. These chicks don’t have a man so they call him ask for advice or help with something. But as soon as these chicks get a dude they get low and he doesn’t here from them. I believe they use him to fill a void and once they get someone else to fill it they don’t need him until their single again. He says it’s not like that but those chicks gotta go. Am I acting like a crazy women or is this valid.

Now I do feel that men and women can be just friends. However, I also feel like two of these chicks secretly want to be with my boyfriend.

 

[MizzBrown]

Don't like it one bit and I kept tabs on who his female friends were, their relationship status, did they ever date before, etc. etc.

I don't want them in his apartment, they shouldnt be going out on dinner dates w/o my knowledge, shouldnt be calling him all the time and they should know who i am and want to meet me.

You can weed out the ones who want him more if they never seem to want to speak to you or meet you. Any friend of your SO/DH should most likely be a friend of yours as well, right?

Turn the tables on him and ask how he'd feel about male friends. Male co-workers and u going out to lunch together for "advice" or calling you for female advice, etc.​

 

[Aidenberry03]

I dont care.

If he had friends before me, fine. There is no sense in me trying to keep tabs on the nature of that friendship. I have some male friends that when they come to town, every thing stops for them.

Dont have the time to try to deal with that. If he is doing something shady, it will come to the light. I will handle it then.

 

[dlewis]

I was the "friend" that my husband married.

We do have lady friends in common. We had a click in school and we are all still friends.

But him meeting and befriending a woman . Somebody be looking to get shot.

I think the friends need to go.

 

[tatje]

I was the "friend" that my husband married.

We do have lady friends in common. We had a click in school and we are all still friends.

But him meeting and befriending a woman . Somebody be looking to get shot.

I think the friends need to go.

Your too funny.

 

[tatje]

Don't trust the female male friend situation even though I try not to study it that hard. When I was younger, and a whole different person I might add..........I was someone's "friend" except there was much more and guess who he tried to introduce me to. A female he thought he was interested in at the time. So all I can say is be careful. Yet all my male friends are truly my male friends. I have never done anything with them nor liked them at one point in time, but they all liked me. I had to twist there like into friendship. You know how that goes.

 

[winterinatl]

Here's how I handle it:

When I begin dating a new guy, I keep my ears open to what friends he has, and ask innocent sounding questions. I want to find out what kind of "friend" she is.

Did they date? How serious was it? Is she really an ex that can't let go? Is she the needy friend that wants to be his girl but never will be? Does she have a man? All of these things shape my opinion of how to procede...

As I date the man, I don't ever complain about the friend/s, but keep my ears and eyes open and don't become too emotionally attached. Over some months, if he really, really digs you,and is serious about settling down, he will naturally taper off those communications. He won't want you to think the wrong thing.

If he doesn't, then that's okay too because I'm not emotionally invested. I would choose to not date him seriously. If he ever asked what was up my butt, I would tell him I hoped to be his best friend, but it seems someone else fills that role for him, so there is no need for me to bother . A man that is serious about you will kindly let the extra ladies know where they need to go...

And trust me, those female friends are filling some need that I think you as the mate should. Even if she is a long, old friend, he shouldn't be talking to her very much. Maybe once or twice a year. But that is my standard for a serious relationship.

 

[Colliecole]

I almost left my SO over this. He had a few female friends who were on his...and it was pissing me off. We were long distance at the time and that made it worse. One in particular, his boss, would say suggestive things to him, try to invite him places with her, call him all hours of the day confiding in him about "I hate my husband...I'm so sexually fristerated with him because we dont even do it any more... I'm this close to having an affair..." :hardslaprove me out of my mind! I went out to MI and met her eventually. Some 28 year, dusty looking clear woman...aint got nothing on me! But still, I felt that if he was really "Not thinking about her like that. She's just my boss, and she's ugly anyway" he wouldn't have a problem telling her to back off, instead of just laughing it off.

She was the only one I was concerned with, because he worked closely with her and she was so damn persistant. There were a couple others that I knew of but I wasn't worried about them(when your long distance everyone assumes your single...) As long as he wasn't inviting them over, going to their houses, or going on private dinner dates and such. Group lunches are okay evey now and then.

My So has a friend that he went to college with. They were best friends knew her before we met, but he lived with her in college, never slept with her or had feelings for her, she's like a sister etc so I have no problem with that. But if he'd ever slept with her, it would be a NO NO!

 

[CurliDiva]

Am I being ridiculous? How do you ladies feel about your man having female friends? I’m sorry but lately I feel like those chicks gotta go. We are starting to have marriage talk and once were married I fully expect him to kick those chicks to the curb. My BFF thinks I’m being a little immature. I just don’t like another chick having access to my guy. Period. Here is how I break it down. These chicks don’t have a man so they call him ask for advice or help with something. But as soon as these chicks get a dude they get low and he doesn’t here from them. I believe they use him to fill a void and once they get someone else to fill it they don’t need him until their single again. He says it’s not like that but those chicks gotta go. Am I acting like a crazy women or is this valid.

Now I do feel that men and women can be just friends. However, I also feel like two of these chicks secretly want to be with my boyfriend.

As a "Elaine" to several guys - it is possible for men and women to be friend w/o any fooling around!

Would you do the same if your husband-to-be did not like some of your friends and told you to dump them - male or female?

IMO, I think it is unrealistic to think that your partner does not need outside friendships!

But these women are not able to make your man DO anything that he did not want to DO!

Worry about the chicks that he doesn't mention.........

 

[caltron]

Here's how I handle it:

When I begin dating a new guy, I keep my ears open to what friends he has, and ask innocent sounding questions. I want to find out what kind of "friend" she is.

Did they date? How serious was it? Is she really an ex that can't let go? Is she the needy friend that wants to be his girl but never will be? Does she have a man? All of these things shape my opinion of how to procede...

As I date the man, I don't ever complain about the friend/s, but keep my ears and eyes open and don't become too emotionally attached. Over some months, if he really, really digs you,and is serious about settling down, he will naturally taper off those communications. He won't want you to think the wrong thing.

If he doesn't, then that's okay too because I'm not emotionally invested. I would choose to not date him seriously. If he ever asked what was up my butt, I would tell him I hoped to be his best friend, but it seems someone else fills that role for him, so there is no need for me to bother . A man that is serious about you will kindly let the extra ladies know where they need to go...

And trust me, those female friends are filling some need that I think you as the mate should. Even if she is a long, old friend, he shouldn't be talking to her very much. Maybe once or twice a year. But that is my standard for a serious relationship.

I totally agree with this. Most guys know deep down they have to cut off the female friends at some point, except for some token interaction. The female friends should understand that this is the case as well, and if they don't you really have to question their motives.

 

[audacious1]

I was the "friend" that my husband married.

We do have lady friends in common. We had a click in school and we are all still friends.

But him meeting and befriending a woman . Somebody be looking to get shot.

I think the friends need to go.

This is how I feel about the situation.

Especially, the red bolded.

 

[starfish]

winterinatl said it best: A man that is serious about you will kindly let the extra ladies know where they need to go...

I don't care about him having female friends...it's ok to have platonic female friendships. PLATONIC. I have 20+-year platonic male friendships...they are like my brothers. That being said, whether I'm in a relationship or not I am very respectful of the girlfriend/wife in my male friends' lives and I expect the long-term platonic female friends of my man to act the same way. I use her as a guide to how much interaction my friends and I should have. Some of them are more comfortable than others. I think you have to watch out for the female 'friends' who don't respect the relationship or can't be a bit empathetic towards how you might feel.

 

[MzLady78]

As a "Elaine" to several guys - it is possible for men and women to be friend w/o any fooling around!

Would you do the same if your husband-to-be did not like some of your friends and told you to dump them - male or female?

IMO, I think it is unrealistic to think that your partner does not need outside friendships!

But these women are not able to make your man DO anything that he did not want to DO!

Worry about the chicks that he doesn't mention.........

I totally agree.

He had a life before you came into the picture.

He's just supposed to ditch folks he's been cool with before he ever even knew you existed?

I don't think that's fair.

 

[gymfreak336]

As a female friends with many many guy friends, I can understand where you are comming from but I don't know. Many of my male friendships are really important to me and we have helped each other through some really tough times.

 

[IntoMyhair]

I was the "friend" that my husband married.

We do have lady friends in common. We had a click in school and we are all still friends.

But him meeting and befriending a woman . Somebody be looking to get shot.

I think the friends need to go.

Not stabbed but shot


Oh yea to answer the question He does not have female friends and he won't be getting any new female friends either.

 

[gabulldawg]

I agree with the OP. I don't think men and women can be friends. I think it's asking for trouble. I do not approve of any woman calling my SO more than I do! My SO only had one girl that he talked to regularly on the phone before us. I told him that I didn't appreciate it (DIDN'T tell him to stop talking to her) and HE decided to tell her that they would have to stop talking. My issue was that SHE didn't have a man and I guess that she thought that MY man was supposed to make up for that. Get your own!

I also keep an eye out for women that I don't know very well that he works with or knows from other environments. I'm cool with him being cordial at work, but I don't think numbers should be exchanged and I don't think intimate conversations should be taking place. If I'm around people at his job I OBSERVE how women interact with my man. If I don't like it (which is not often) I say something.

I personally think a lot of infidelity in relationships can be avoided if we kept a tighter "leash" on our men.

 

[Luvmylife]

I was the "friend" that my husband married.

We do have lady friends in common. We had a click in school and we are all still friends.

But him meeting and befriending a woman . Somebody be looking to get shot.

I think the friends need to go.

Ditto

If he's gotta have them, his female friends should be yours too...

 

[Divine Inspiration]

If he's gotta have them, his female friends should be yours too...

And that's the bottom line. If she wants to be a friend, she needs to become a friend of the COUPLE...not a side piece of his.

No, she and I don't have to be BFFs and go shoe shopping together, but we should be cordial enough to be in each other's presence and to maintain some sense of familiarity with each other.

All this exclusive friendship on the side mess is how people get hurt...emotionally and physically.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

And that's the bottom line. If she wants to be a friend, she needs to become a friend of the COUPLE...not a side piece of his.

No, she and I don't have to be BFFs and go shoe shopping together, but we should be cordial enough to be in each other's presence and to maintain some sense of familiarity with each other.

All this exclusive friendship on the side mess is how people get hurt...emotionally and physically.

ITA

I also want to say that if you are really insecure to begin with, you will not be comfortale with any of his firends....male or female. I think the only way to understand the "friend" dynamic is if you have your own friends. I have plenty of guys friedns who expressed to me that the thought of having sex with me makes their stomachs turn becasue I remind them of their little sister or something of that nature...and I feel the same way about them

 

[gymfreak336]

ITA

I also want to say that if you are really insecure to begin with, you will not be comfortale with any of his firends....male or female. I think the only way to understand the "friend" dynamic is if you have your own friends. I have plenty of guys friedns who expressed to me that the thought of having sex with me makes their stomachs turn becasue I remind them of their little sister or something of that nature...and I feel the same way about them

Me too. When I first meet my friend "Rabbit" he was kinda trying to hook up but after hanging out for about a month, he said he just couldn't do it. We are too much like brother and sister. When he got a girlfriend, I went over to her place to meet her too. Even though they are not together anymore, me and her are still cool. I made an effort to get to know her and she repected the fact that me and him had a close relationship before she came around. Rabbit got me through my breakup with my ex. He totally was my rock and when they broke up, I was there for him.

 

[winterinatl]

ITA

I also want to say that if you are really insecure to begin with, you will not be comfortale with any of his firends....male or female. I think the only way to understand the "friend" dynamic is if you have your own friends. I have plenty of guys friedns who expressed to me that the thought of having sex with me makes their stomachs turn becasue I remind them of their little sister or something of that nature...and I feel the same way about them

I've heard that too. And then one day he took it there . I think 99.99 % keep female friends (I mean folks that are around them alot) because they are attracted to them in some sort of way.

 

[Sugar Brown]

I was the "friend" that my husband married.

We do have lady friends in common. We had a click in school and we are all still friends.

But him meeting and befriending a woman . Somebody be looking to get shot.

I think the friends need to go.

I know that's right! I was thinking "Please. What females friends?" My future hubby doesn't have any female friends from the past and he doesn't need any new ones. I don't keep separate male friends because ALL of them have expressed an interest at some point, even if it was just a passing thought. I trust myself and I trust my man. I just can't see the value in putting ourselves in a situation to spend time/energy with some other person.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I've heard that too. And then one day he took it there . I think 99.99 % keep female friends (I mean folks that are around them alot) because they are attracted to them in some sort of way.

true but for me the one I am speaking of specifically likes heavier girls and happily admits to it. I dont fit his mold. Its been nearly 3 years and none of the 3 guys thats I chilled with has never tried to come on to me...even when I tried to sleep with one of them (I was having a vulnerable drunken night).

 

[Ms Red]

I don't think you're being overly sensitive. Yes, men and women can be friends. But you already feel like a couple of these women want more than friendship from your guy... They need to go.

And that is coming from someone who *is* the female friend.

 

[indigo378]

SOMETIMES ITS NOT THE FRIENDS YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT, BUT THEIR OTHER FEMALE FRIENDS. MY HUSBAND WAS GOOD FRIENDS W/ HIS BROTHERS EX FOR A LONG TIME, BEFORE AND DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT I LATER FOUND OUT SHE WAS TRYING TO HOOK HIM UP WITH SOME OF HER FRIENDS DURING OUR RELATIONSHIP.

 

[trinidarkie1]

I don't even think I can reply to this without writing my own book.

I have male friends from childhood, professionally, or just on the way. I try to guage my relationships for different things. I believe in most cases, once u put ur foot down, or u establish the type of person u are in terms of morals and standards etc. people tend to weed themselves out.
My friends know my husband, know of my husband and know that I am married. I don't fool around like that.
My friends respect my marriage and relationships. I don't engage in slack talk anyways.

As for his female friends, there is just one that I know and speak too. The others, I have never met, and he insists on still being friends with them. I do not approve of the type of conversations that they have etc.
But u know what? I have to be upset with him about that. Some women and men have no scrupples about messing with someone else's man/woman.

The other day he told one friend that they couldn't be friends anymore because I was uncomfortable with it.
I was happy and upset.
Happy because the improper relationship ended.
BUt unhappy because he didn't seem to understand that he should be uncomfortable with it.

The opportunity will present itself where I am going to make him feel as uncomfortable, maybe not intentionally, but he will get it.

All in all, I feel like I have no control over that. I didn't know these friends existed before we got married. And then they appeared after we got married.

To the author of the thread, make it known now that u do not approve of the relations. Hear what he says, you may be surprised.

 

[Sui Topi]

I totally agree.

He had a life before you came into the picture.

He's just supposed to ditch folks he's been cool with before he ever even knew you existed?

I don't think that's fair.

its true, but like someone else said theres a differnce in if theyre really friends or wanna be girlfriends, etc

my husband has girl friends and when i met them the were reeeeeeally cool like. they didnt make me feel uncomfortable at all. respectful..everything and he knew them since they were little girls. he doesnt really talk to them that often, but I would never tell him to get rid of them...but...there was this one "friend" which he very well knew was a wanna be girlfriend that had to get cut off immediately. i didnt even have to tell him, and of course to be fair i got rid of mine too

 

[Much2much41]

I have a lot of male friends, and for the ones that are married now, even though we don't talk as often, we still talk. I am very respectful of their wives, I speak to them, hug them, etc. I have never had a wife tell her husband we couldn't be friends anymore. I wouldn't go picking up any new male friends that are married, though. I'm not dating right now, but I don't think I'd ask my man to give up his female friends, unless I picked up on something that made me uncomfortable. I won't give up my friends, so why should he give up his?

 

[Cloud06]

This was one of my problems in my last relationship. My SO had other female friends before me which I knew also. His females were cool with me before me and my SO were together but after they became rude and disrespectful. They would come around and not speak. Then a mutual friend told me that my SO and one of his female friends had oral sex even though my SO told me they never messed around. That made me wonder about him and the other "friends." It was a long distance relationship so while he'd be away, he 'd come back answering the phone to different females I never met. I met a handful of the new ones he'd met while at school but it was still suspicious. Bcuz why give your number to another female when you got a girl? The last straw was when we were chillin watching a movie and all of a sudden he gets a phone call at 1 in the morning, it's his "friend" cussing him out saying she need a ride somewhere. Do you know this negro had the audacity to leave me at 1 in the morning to go pick this chick up? Told me he would be back and I said don't come back. He never called me until I called him 2 hours later. He had a bunch of ppl in the background laughing and talking like he was at a party. He went on to tell me that he had stopped by his "friend's" house, who are chicks. I was too done. But he got his in the end.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

ITA

I also want to say that if you are really insecure to begin with, you will not be comfortale with any of his firends....male or female. I think the only way to understand the "friend" dynamic is if you have your own friends. I have plenty of guys friedns who expressed to me that the thought of having sex with me makes their stomachs turn becasue I remind them of their little sister or something of that nature...and I feel the same way about them

Off topic: I miss you girl!

On topic: BINGO! I mean, I have a handful of male friends, but they KNOW that when a man comes into my life, the late night chats stop and that they must always be respectful of my man, whether they like him or not. Additionally, I make it a point to bring my man into any friendships I may so as not to plant any seeds of doubt or insecurity. My male friends support me and my relationships, and they'll even hang with me and my guy occasionally if they want to.

I had a dude try to pull this exclusive female friendship mess and I told him to kick rocks. He had an ex-girlfriend that he couldn't "turn his back on"...we went to a counselor and she broke it down to him and explained that him having relationships with ex-girlfriends and 5011 other women is not ok and that if he wanted to maintain opposite sex friendships, I needed to be apart of that. After counseling, he went on with all this mess about being "scared" of how things would turn out if he introduced us, and blah blah blah blah...I told him I wasn't having it. It reeked of infidelity, drama, and MESS, and that's not my style at all. I told him to call me when he got over himself.

Regardless of whether a woman feels insecure of whatever, a man ought not be giving her reason to wonder by keeping secrets to begin with. I don't have a problem with a man having friends, but everything needs to be above board if he's truly committed to the woman in his life.