Your Man and Your Friends

[audacious1]

1.&2.: My friends only know his name, and a few details about him. They see him, he speaks, and he KIM cause he doesn't have any business with them.
So my friends never get a chance to get at him or dislike him.

It's so much simpler keeping them separated. I know this will probably change in the future, depending on the direction, and growth of our relationship, but this has worked so well in the past.

This method also keeps ears and opinions out of my relationship. People who think they know so much, but are single . Besides, I have enough virtual ears and opinions already (i.e. you all)

 

[audacious1]

I personally find it weird/interesting that you were friends and even good friends with one of your girl friends love interests.

I'm not friends with any of my friends' SOs. I see them, I'm pleasant, and I speak. I don't have their phone numbers, and I have no desire to have that information about them. I don't know their interests outside of what their girl friends tell me.

The only way I know them is through their girl friends. And for me, once their (my friend and her SO) relationship is dissolved, there's no reason for me to keep up.

And then, maybe you're just a whole lot more friendly than I am. And a lot less possessive. **shrug**

Wow this thread is interesting because I just lost a friend over the same thing- except she accused me of being the one trying to get with her man!!!

Case in point I have had two boyfriends in the same time frame and neither of them were him!

I've gone over it a million times and asked all of our friends and they all say she went crazy after the second boyfriend treated her like garbage.

Here's the story, I can't help it that all of her exes and I become friends:

1. Matt- they dated for almost 3 years and she didn't want to be with him. He and I had some mutual interests and I took him and his little brother to a rock concert with my free hookup. She called herself "pushing him" onto me since we seemed to get along so well. Case in point- Matt just got married and I attended the wedding.

2. Chris- Human Ken Doll Do you hear me! lol He was her best friend growing up and then they tried dating and he's such a shallow ass that at one point he told her that he was 1 bra cup size shy of being good enough to marry. We're more acquaintances than anything and I dated his sociopath friend for a while. Other than that I don't hate the guy and if I see him I always give him a hug and stop to talk.

3. Ben- She and this guy were inseparable. I met him for the first time when we all went out together with mutual friends. We have A LOT in common and she became jealous of me because he always asked about me and came up with her to visit me. He saw a pic of me and noted that he thought I was attractive. As soon as I saw him I high fived her on finding sich a good looking guy. Would I even dream of it? HELL NO and nothing ever sketchy has happened between us that would look compromising. I had my own love interests at the time and hell he's gone out with just me and my respective boyfriends for crying out loud. She accused him of liking me and nicknamed him my biggest fan. Well they didn't last and he broke up with her. Both of them on the phone calling me (drama...) then she tells him not to call me because I'm HER friend. That pissed both of us off. By this time he had met all of our mutual friends and became friends with our whole crew. Meanwhile they're both on rotations in med school. She chose to study abroad and he stayed here. Naturally I saw him (ALWAYS with a group of friends) more often than her because plane tix to Hong Kong and Mexico can be pricey. I always picked her up from the airports wherever she was going next and by that time I had my first job out of college etc... They had broken up well over a year since now and what can I say? Ben and I are very good friends. She has since moved across the country and won't return my calls except one weird brief message she wrote in spanish talking about needing space and accusing me of ruining her relationships

Any thoughts or opinions?

 

[fuchsiastar]

Wow this thread is interesting because I just lost a friend over the same thing- except she accused me of being the one trying to get with her man!!!

Case in point I have had two boyfriends in the same time frame and neither of them were him!

I've gone over it a million times and asked all of our friends and they all say she went crazy after the second boyfriend treated her like garbage.

Here's the story, I can't help it that all of her exes and I become friends:

1. Matt- they dated for almost 3 years and she didn't want to be with him. He and I had some mutual interests and I took him and his little brother to a rock concert with my free hookup. She called herself "pushing him" onto me since we seemed to get along so well. Case in point- Matt just got married and I attended the wedding.

2. Chris- Human Ken Doll Do you hear me! lol He was her best friend growing up and then they tried dating and he's such a shallow ass that at one point he told her that he was 1 bra cup size shy of being good enough to marry. We're more acquaintances than anything and I dated his sociopath friend for a while. Other than that I don't hate the guy and if I see him I always give him a hug and stop to talk.

3. Ben- She and this guy were inseparable. I met him for the first time when we all went out together with mutual friends. We have A LOT in common and she became jealous of me because he always asked about me and came up with her to visit me. He saw a pic of me and noted that he thought I was attractive. As soon as I saw him I high fived her on finding sich a good looking guy. Would I even dream of it? HELL NO and nothing ever sketchy has happened between us that would look compromising. I had my own love interests at the time and hell he's gone out with just me and my respective boyfriends for crying out loud. She accused him of liking me and nicknamed him my biggest fan. Well they didn't last and he broke up with her. Both of them on the phone calling me (drama...) then she tells him not to call me because I'm HER friend. That pissed both of us off. By this time he had met all of our mutual friends and became friends with our whole crew. Meanwhile they're both on rotations in med school. She chose to study abroad and he stayed here. Naturally I saw him (ALWAYS with a group of friends) more often than her because plane tix to Hong Kong and Mexico can be pricey. I always picked her up from the airports wherever she was going next and by that time I had my first job out of college etc... They had broken up well over a year since now and what can I say? Ben and I are very good friends. She has since moved across the country and won't return my calls except one weird brief message she wrote in spanish talking about needing space and accusing me of ruining her relationships

Any thoughts or opinions?

I am sooo not trying to judge you or be snarky, but the bolded kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. Like if you were my friend, all of these things would be red flags to me. It sounds like you are a pretty friendly person, and welcome people into your circle who are cool...I'm generally this way also, and there is nothing wrong with it. However, I tend to put on the blacklist for friendship anyone who has dated a friend of mine. I'm not interested in losing a good friend for some random dude to be my friend. I just get vibes that there is more going on here. Do you think that maybe you enjoy having the male attention directed towards you? I guess I will play devils advocate and give concrete examples of where your friend may see the issue:

General: You can help it that ya'll become friends. Don't allow it to happen. Please take responsibility for the role you have in the friendship forming. I guess for me, I put friends current and ex-boyfriends off the friend list. They go to acquaintance, see you once in a while, stop to speak, wave, etc. person.

Matt: Why go with him and his brother to the concert....ya'll shouldn't be that cool with each other. Take someone you are dating, and give him the extra ticket only IF they are his ABSOLUTE FAVORITE band. Or SELL him the ticket and make you some money It could appear as if you were trying to have a family date with him and his kid brother, maybe that is where your friend is coming from.

Chris: Nothing inappropriate here, except if you are not naturally a hugger...if not, I would be like "Why is Jen always all hugged up on Chris when she see's him?"

Ben: Are you sure you don't like him for yourself? If not, what made you upset about your friend put boundaries up on him after their breakup. She may have questioned your loyalty to her, because you were defending his right to speak with you. Also, why was he always jumping his behind in the car with her to come see you? She should have told him to stay home! But it sounds like your friend has issues with men....so maybe you could have helped her with a statement like "I want to hang with you, not you and Ben"....or something like that. He was definitely feeling you, girl, whether or not you want to admit it Let some alone time and drinks happen with you and Ben....he might have you like , so girl, be careful with that one!

 

[fuchsiastar]

I personally find it weird/interesting that you were friends and even good friends with one of your girl friends love interests.

I'm not friends with any of my friends' SOs. I see them, I'm pleasant, and I speak. I don't have their phone numbers, and I have no desire to have that information about them. I don't know their interests outside of what their girl friends tell me.

The only way I know them is through their girl friends. And for me, once their (my friend and her SO) relationship is dissolved, there's no reason for me to keep up.

And then, maybe you're just a whole lot friendly than I am. And a lot less possessive. **shrug**

Girl, if you don't get outta my HEAD I know something! But really, that possessive Scorpio trait had me rearing my head on this one, like "there is something amiss"

 

[audacious1]

Girl, if you don't get outta my HEAD I know something! But really, that possessive Scorpio trait had me rearing my head on this one, like "there is something amiss"

I'm with you. My friend and my man need be no more than acquaintances.

And yes, that Scorpio trait is something vicious. Thank goodness my SO recognizes it as territorial.

 

[Everything Zen]

I guess I am just a lot less possessive when it comes to that stuff. I didn't mind when she ended up dating guys that I was feeling. She is the only friend I have that has had a problem with that. I am a very friendly person. I am a natural hugger AND I am a good listener- all those years being a crisis counselor or something. I am like this with all of my friends. None of this has happened with my other girl friends- two of whom are now married with kids. She was friends with one of my exes- hell he took her to dinner and they were workout buddies. I have had a boyfriend that I love very much through this whole thing and Ben is dating someone now too. I don't feel like I should have to keep her man in check if he or myself haven't done anything wrong (it would be absolutely impossible for me or him to do something like that- we're both A LOT more innocent than my friend) and especially if they had been broken up for over a year. If she had talked to me about it things would be different but she's the one that brought him around me and our mutual group of friends. I never sought him out on my own. So what now the whole group is in trouble for making friends with this guy??? My boyfriends have always had friends of the opposite sex. I think it's disrespectful to tell someone who they can and can't be friends with. Either I trust you or I don't. Whatever happened to GROW UP??? I respect her decision and I have done some serious personal reflecting over this situation but I know in my heart that I didn't do anything wrong. However I have apologized to her if I have caused her any hurt. I treat him like every other friend I have and she knows this. If someone is going to be with me I can't worry about them straying because there is little that I can do to "make" someone stay with me. My current guy teasingly begged me to act a little jealous when other women hit on him or when he makes those kinds of jokes. I don't have the energy to invest into paranoid negative thoughts. I wish she would have talked to me about this earlier. Don't string me up until I actually cross that line!!!

 

[simplertimes]

Wow this thread is interesting because I just lost a friend over the same thing- except she accused me of being the one trying to get with her man!!!

Case in point I have had two boyfriends in the same time frame and neither of them were him!

I've gone over it a million times and asked all of our friends and they all say she went crazy after the second boyfriend treated her like garbage.

Here's the story, I can't help it that all of her exes and I become friends:

1. Matt- they dated for almost 3 years and she didn't want to be with him. He and I had some mutual interests and I took him and his little brother to a rock concert with my free hookup. She called herself "pushing him" onto me since we seemed to get along so well. Case in point- Matt just got married and I attended the wedding.

2. Chris- Human Ken Doll Do you hear me! lol He was her best friend growing up and then they tried dating and he's such a shallow ass that at one point he told her that he was 1 bra cup size shy of being good enough to marry. We're more acquaintances than anything and I dated his sociopath friend for a while. Other than that I don't hate the guy and if I see him I always give him a hug and stop to talk.

3. Ben- She and this guy were inseparable. I met him for the first time when we all went out together with mutual friends. We have A LOT in common and she became jealous of me because he always asked about me and came up with her to visit me. He saw a pic of me and noted that he thought I was attractive. As soon as I saw him I high fived her on finding sich a good looking guy. Would I even dream of it? HELL NO and nothing ever sketchy has happened between us that would look compromising. I had my own love interests at the time and hell he's gone out with just me and my respective boyfriends for crying out loud. She accused him of liking me and nicknamed him my biggest fan. Well they didn't last and he broke up with her. Both of them on the phone calling me (drama...) then she tells him not to call me because I'm HER friend. That pissed both of us off. By this time he had met all of our mutual friends and became friends with our whole crew. Meanwhile they're both on rotations in med school. She chose to study abroad and he stayed here. Naturally I saw him (ALWAYS with a group of friends) more often than her because plane tix to Hong Kong and Mexico can be pricey. I always picked her up from the airports wherever she was going next and by that time I had my first job out of college etc... They had broken up well over a year since now and what can I say? Ben and I are very good friends. She has since moved across the country and won't return my calls except one weird brief message she wrote in spanish talking about needing space and accusing me of ruining her relationships

Any thoughts or opinions?

I'd like to state my opinion. Not to be judgemental, but I would never become "friends" with my female friend's SO. It just isn't right to me. To many iffy situations can happen. He can become emotionally attached to you, your female friend can grow to resent you, or even worse you can become "caught" in the middle. It's totally not worth it no matter how much you have in common with a guy
JMHO

 

[simplertimes]

I am a natural hugger

Awww...that's sweet, but you might not want to hug a friend's boyfriend
Even if she seems okay with it, she's probably NOT trust me

ETA: Are you a Libra, if you don't mind me asking? It's okay if you would not like to share....

 

[Everything Zen]

Awww...that's sweet, but you might not want to hug a friend's boyfriend
Even if she seems okay with it, she's probably NOT trust me

ETA: Are you a Libra, if you don't mind me asking? It's okay if you would not like to share....

She's had many dinner dates and watched movies with my first love and they were workout partners. I didn't think twice about it.

I'm a capricorn.

What I'm hearing from a lot of you makes me ask the question. Do you have close male friends? Until this incident I've always been single and friends with a ton of guys so these kinds of insights or thoughts are foreign to me.

 

[simplertimes]

She's had many dinner dates and watched movies with my first love and they were workout partners. I didn't think twice about it.

I'm a capricorn.

What I'm hearing from a lot of you makes me ask the question. Do you have close male friends? Until this incident I've always been single and friends with a ton of guys so these kinds of insights or thoughts are foreign to me.

Wow, you are so different from me. I'm very posessive when I love a guy, so I would be upset if my friend was going to the gym with my guy or anything without me I guess it's because a friend tried to get with my man in college ever since then....I'm like back off to all my friends

And I don't have many male friends because I don't see the point ....men usually get on my nerves....

 

[Everything Zen]

Wow, you are so different from me. I'm very posessive when I love a guy, so I would be upset if my friend was going to the gym with my guy or anything without me I guess it's because a friend tried to get with my man in college ever since then....I'm like back off to all my friends

And I don't have many male friends because I don't see the point ....men usually get on my nerves....

Like I said before I feel like if he's gonna do it there is nothing I can do about and why would I even want to be with someone that I had to fight to be devoted to me???

Like I said in the last long post my current boyfriend begged me to start getting jealous when he gets hit on by other girls. I just make jokes with him like- "Oh I bet she's something in bed... Go for it." Then he gets all sad...

 

[SisterGirl*]

I have always been sensitive to my friends or even acquaintances when it comes to their man. Look, I just believe that it's up to us women to "help" a man act right, even if he is not your man. For starters, I never hold long friendly conversations with them, smile and grin at them to much, that's a big no-no, or make to much eye contact, and for God's sake, keep your hands to yourself. As far as strangers go, If I meet a couple for the first time, I will direct most of my conversation toward the woman, just out of respect. I'm single, but most of my friends are married, so I've had a lot of practice in keeping my friends.
I guess you all can tell this is one of my pet peeve subjects, and it really bothers me when I hear about women breaking those unwritten rules, and acting like they know nothing about them.

 

[Everything Zen]

1.&2.: My friends only know his name, and a few details about him. They see him, he speaks, and he KIM cause he doesn't have any business with them.
So my friends never get a chance to get at him or dislike him.

It's so much simpler keeping them separated. I know this will probably change in the future, depending on the direction, and growth of our relationship, but this has worked so well in the past.

This method also keeps ears and opinions out of my relationship. People who think they know so much, but are single . Besides, I have enough virtual ears and opinions already (i.e. you all)

This is so interesting to me that you keep them separated. If a guy that I'm into can't hang with my friends it's not going anywhere because I can't sacrifice friends for a man! For some reason I find myself only willing to date men that I can consider a friend first. All of my girls are involved in their own relationships as was I during the mishap with my friend. My crew is going to meet Mister Man this weekend for the first time~ They have never met any of my other flings and have oft teased me about making them up!!

 

[The Girl]

I had a friend that didn't like my man.

But she didn't like him for the wrong reasons, if that makes sense.

Her objections came off like jealousy. Jealousy that I spent more time with him (in a committed relationship I don't play in the clubs every night) than with her. Jealous that I had a man over to cook for me and lay it down good. And contempt that he didn't find her attractive. She was used to guys tripping over her "pretty" eyes .

What's funny was, those two were so much alike. Both very selfish and hated each other. Oil and water.

Guess what? Now they are both gone!!

see that is my sis and every ex I have ever had.

 

[fuchsiastar]

She's had many dinner dates and watched movies with my first love and they were workout partners. I didn't think twice about it.

I'm a capricorn.

What I'm hearing from a lot of you makes me ask the question. Do you have close male friends? Until this incident I've always been single and friends with a ton of guys so these kinds of insights or thoughts are foreign to me.

Hey Jen! I have lots of very close male friends. I do have a good mix of male and female, but two of my very best friends are guys and I love them dearly. I think if I were to get their perspective, they would say there is nothing wrong with what is happening...but if I were to get the perspective of the women I am friends with, they would say there may be some issues. There are some unwritten rules around this, but I agree that your friend should have talked to you about it before ending the friendship. That sucks to lose a friend when you didn't have any closure...I wish she would have talked to you and at least voiced her thoughts around things.

 

[Everything Zen]

Hey Jen! I have lots of very close male friends. I do have a good mix of male and female, but two of my very best friends are guys and I love them dearly. I think if I were to get their perspective, they would say there is nothing wrong with what is happening...but if I were to get the perspective of the women I am friends with, they would say there may be some issues. There are some unwritten rules around this, but I agree that your friend should have talked to you about it before ending the friendship. That sucks to lose a friend when you didn't have any closure...I wish she would have talked to you and at least voiced her thoughts around things.

Thanks for the support! I am finding that a lot of women on the board find this subject to be a sensitive one. I apologize for stepping on anyone's toes!!! erplexed Of course I would have talked to her and tried to sort this out with her if she gave me a chance!

 

[cocoberry10]

I Look, I just believe that it's up to us women to "help" a man act right, even if he is not your man. For starters, I never hold long friendly conversations with them, smile and grin at them to much, that's a big no-no, or make to much eye contact, and for God's sake, keep your hands to yourself. As far as strangers go, If I meet a couple for the first time, I will direct most of my conversation toward the woman, just out of respect. I'm single, but most of my friends are married, so I've had a lot of practice in keeping my friends.
I guess you all can tell this is one of my pet peeve subjects, and it really bothers me when I hear about women breaking those unwritten rules, and acting like they know nothing about them.

I agree with your entire post! I do the same thing (bolded part especially). However, I do know that some men, no matter what want to act "fresh" as I call it.

 

[winterinatl]

Here is a story you all might find interesting:

My girlfriend and I are very close. Her SO (long time live together one child together two homes together) is way cool and she says over and over "K. loves him some Winterinatl" but with no malice or jealousy in her voice. She feels his feelings toward me are nothing but innocent. I however, know how men can be, and even if she is right (and I won't argue with her) I am careful about myself around him... especially because she and I are not far off physically.

Anyway, after I left my ex and started dating, she of course shared this news with her man K. and he began looking for me! No problem, I thought it was sweet although the dudes he sent my way were not the cat's meow...

Now, I shared this information with a man I am sort of dating. I was just laughing over the fact my girl's guy seemed so preoccupied with my love life. My friend, G. instantly said, "He wants to Fu** you". He said it very bluntly. He said the guy wasn't likely to try to proposition me, but that he was fantasizing about me, and hooking him up with HIS dudes was a way to live vicariously through them.

Insider information .

 

[fuchsiastar]

Here is a story you all might find interesting:

My girlfriend and I are very close. Her SO (long time live together one child together two homes together) is way cool and she says over and over "K. loves him some Winterinatl" but with no malice or jealousy in her voice. She feels his feelings toward me are nothing but innocent. I however, know how men can be, and even if she is right (and I won't argue with her) I am careful about myself around him... especially because she and I are not far off physically.

Anyway, after I left my ex and started dating, she of course shared this news with her man K. and he began looking for me! No problem, I thought it was sweet although the dudes he sent my way were not the cat's meow...

Now, I shared this information with a man I am sort of dating. I was just laughing over the fact my girl's guy seemed so preoccupied with my love life. My friend, G. instantly said, "He wants to Fu** you". He said it very bluntly. He said the guy wasn't likely to try to proposition me, but that he was fantasizing about me, and hooking him up with HIS dudes was a way to live vicariously through them.

Insider information .

Now that is off the hook! He might have a point though...hmmmm!

 

[Blossssom]

Anyone who tries to get with your man is not a friend...

Dismiss them immediately.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

• Pay attention to how she is responding to him.
• Her level of eye contact with him.
• What she says to him.
• If she seems a little TOO endearing...or is physical, i.e. touching his arm while laughing, etc.
• Watch what she does when you leave the room and when you return. Where is her attention?
• Really most of her attention should be on YOU....if more is on your man than is on YOU....then, that chick want your man.

Those are such good points...You always seem to have such interesting POVs.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

I am sooo not trying to judge you or be snarky, but the bolded kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. Like if you were my friend, all of these things would be red flags to me. It sounds like you are a pretty friendly person, and welcome people into your circle who are cool...I'm generally this way also, and there is nothing wrong with it. However, I tend to put on the blacklist for friendship anyone who has dated a friend of mine. I'm not interested in losing a good friend for some random dude to be my friend. I just get vibes that there is more going on here. Do you think that maybe you enjoy having the male attention directed towards you? I guess I will play devils advocate and give concrete examples of where your friend may see the issue:

General: You can help it that ya'll become friends. Don't allow it to happen. Please take responsibility for the role you have in the friendship forming. I guess for me, I put friends current and ex-boyfriends off the friend list. They go to acquaintance, see you once in a while, stop to speak, wave, etc. person.

Matt: Why go with him and his brother to the concert....ya'll shouldn't be that cool with each other. Take someone you are dating, and give him the extra ticket only IF they are his ABSOLUTE FAVORITE band. Or SELL him the ticket and make you some money It could appear as if you were trying to have a family date with him and his kid brother, maybe that is where your friend is coming from.

Chris: Nothing inappropriate here, except if you are not naturally a hugger...if not, I would be like "Why is Jen always all hugged up on Chris when she see's him?"

Ben: Are you sure you don't like him for yourself? If not, what made you upset about your friend put boundaries up on him after their breakup. She may have questioned your loyalty to her, because you were defending his right to speak with you. Also, why was he always jumping his behind in the car with her to come see you? She should have told him to stay home! But it sounds like your friend has issues with men....so maybe you could have helped her with a statement like "I want to hang with you, not you and Ben"....or something like that. He was definitely feeling you, girl, whether or not you want to admit it Let some alone time and drinks happen with you and Ben....he might have you like , so girl, be careful with that one!

^^^^^^I have to say I agree with everything that was said in this post

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Here is a story you all might find interesting:

My girlfriend and I are very close. Her SO (long time live together one child together two homes together) is way cool and she says over and over "K. loves him some Winterinatl" but with no malice or jealousy in her voice. She feels his feelings toward me are nothing but innocent. I however, know how men can be, and even if she is right (and I won't argue with her) I am careful about myself around him... especially because she and I are not far off physically.

Anyway, after I left my ex and started dating, she of course shared this news with her man K. and he began looking for me! No problem, I thought it was sweet although the dudes he sent my way were not the cat's meow...

Now, I shared this information with a man I am sort of dating. I was just laughing over the fact my girl's guy seemed so preoccupied with my love life. My friend, G. instantly said, "He wants to Fu** you". He said it very bluntly. He said the guy wasn't likely to try to proposition me, but that he was fantasizing about me, and hooking him up with HIS dudes was a way to live vicariously through them.

Insider information .

I believe this!!