Your friends are single, you're in a happy relationship...

[carolinetwin]

My friends and I went through our mid to late 20's as single women. We turned "that age" ya know - the big 30 and like most women who've dine the education and career thing we wanted to be married.

We bemoaned our single status for years, but we probably were not too bothered. We experienced our heat ages, our holidays, our work issues etc together.

Then I found a man...quite by accident really, not that I wasn't looking, I just found a man who I probably wouldn't have considered marriage material.

I'm happy, and I know they are happy for me, but I keep getting the hints that they feel I'm abandoning them and I only call when there is a problem.

This hurts my feelings and is not true as I make time for them through daily phone calls and I meet up with them when I can, but I also have to see my family too, so I don't always have time to see them or hang out.

In fact, I realise that I just don't enjoy bars ...not that I did especially before, but less so now that I'm older. Plus, I don't drink and watching others get merry is not my idea of fun.

When I told them I see my SO every weekend - I was greeted with " that's too much and you need to make time for other people" or sometimes I get " No one heard from you this weekend, I take it you were loving up your husband" or "Oh you didn't see your SO this weekend...at least you have time for you again" (the last one was said as a result of my saying spending so much time with my SO doesn't give me time for me"

Now I know if it was them, I wouldn't hear from them and neither would they give up time with their SO to be with me, like I have done on several occasions.

My SO is pretty understanding and does encourage me to spend more time with them, but I feel like most of these comments are coming from a place of jealousy. To a degree I can understand, but it's making me feel like I can't be happy or tell them exciting things that happen between us

I'm just ranting...I love my girlfriends, but I suppose I'll just have to not share my happiness

 

[Triniwegian]

It's not about not sharing your happiness. If they are true friends then they should be happy for you and understand that you need to spend time and let your relationship with your new SO grow. If you have totally abandoned them, I would've understand but I suppose you see them every now and again.
I don't see why you shouldn't be able to share your joy (unless that is ALL you talk about, remember other people don't find your SO to be as exciting to talk about as you do), if they don't want to hear it or if having an SO is a problem, you might start to reconsider your friendships.
Maybe it has something to with them wanting to be in the same situation as you and they are lightweight jealous.

 

[Bunny77]

Jealousy is real.

Oddly enough, I experienced this -- not with my friends -- but with my own mother. My married mother who never had a problem getting men in her past, but couldn't deal with me not spending most of my free time with her (either in person or on the phone).

She flat out told me that she was jealous and to her credit, she apologized.

My point is that even though those close to us hopefully are very happy when we do find someone, jealousy is a natural reaction as well. It takes time to adjust to lifestyle changes and start seeing a friend/family member in a different light. Apparently, going from seeing someone as a fellow single sistah in the struggle, or the dutiful single daughter with a sole focus on her mother is a difficult thing.

However, you have to make sure that you build your relationship and not let the misguided feelings of family/friends destroy something wonderful. Obviously don't neglect those who are close to you that came before the man, but if you marry (this man or someone else), your focus will eventually shift to your marriage and family. This is how life works, and your friends would do the same thing if they ended up in relationships.

So... give them a "little" leeway, but if they keep pressing you, call them out on their behavior (in a reasonable way). If they don't change after that, you might have to make some other decisions...

 

[MD_Lady]

In all fairness, I have to acknowledge that there are three sides to this story: yours, your friends', and what's really happening. I don't doubt that you are making an effort or that your friends are making snide remarks, but I also think 'side three' (i.e. 1) you aren't spending as much time with them as you think you are and 2) you are spending more time with them than they acknowledge) is probably a large part of the equation. IMO, the bottom line comes down to balance: Little gestures mean a lot and, since weekends are out, phone calls, e-mails, and weekday gatherings are going to mean more. You're going to have to continue to make the effort to ensure your friends don't get put on the back burner (and the times when you "don't have time" will quickly add up, if you let them). Your friends will also have to realize that it's not their place to dictate how you spend your time. They've established that they want to see more of you (or so they say), but as friends, they should also understand that spending time with your SO is important and not look to intrude. They also need to find a more constructive way to express their feelings. Snide remarks only put people on the defensive and drive them further away.

 

[Choclatcotton]

I also experienced jealousy from my best friend over my relationship. I would get snide comments like "wow! seems like he likes to be all up under you" Or "girl, after a while his breath is going to stinnnk"erplexed THis is the same friend that met someone before me and wanted to marry him after 3 weeks. SHe also moved in along with her son after three weeks!! I have gotten all kinds of selfish advice and jealous words. I only share my happiness to true friends and leave the haters on ice.

 

[chicitygirl]

In all fairness, I have to acknowledge that there are three sides to this story: yours, your friends', and what's really happening. I don't doubt that you are making an effort or that your friends are making snide remarks, but I also think 'side three' (i.e. 1) you aren't spending as much time with them as you think you are and 2) you are spending more time with them than they acknowledge) is probably a large part of the equation. IMO, the bottom line comes down to balance: Little gestures mean a lot and, since weekends are out, phone calls, e-mails, and weekday gatherings are going to mean more. You're going to have to continue to make the effort to ensure your friends don't get put on the back burner (and the times when you "don't have time" will quickly add up, if you let them). Your friends will also have to realize that it's not their place to dictate how you spend your time. They've established that they want to see more of you (or so they say), but as friends, they should also understand that spending time with your SO is important and not look to intrude. They also need to find a more constructive way to express their feelings. Snide remarks only put people on the defensive and drive them further away.

I totally agree. I've been on both sides of this. And I'll say this, do what you must to maintain your relationship with your girlfriends. They'll be there when he's not. They're not hating and they're not needy, they just want your friendship. People respond best to actions and they know that you make time for the people you care to make time for. Just because there's a guy in the picture, doesn't mean you allow him to monopolize your free time or make your friends feel like they're lucky to get in where they fit in. Not saying that you should ignore your new guy, but balance is the key. Do stuff with them on weekends (people know when they're getting the weekday treatment and that sucks too) and tell them you don't want to do a bar. If you don't drink, that shouldn't be a big surprise for them. I only say this because I've seen many women say exactly what you're saying, only to find themselves single again and then expect to pick up where they left off on the friendships with their girls. And it's not that easy. People see right through it.