You move to slow... That's why you're still single!

[Kinkyhairlady]

This is what a male friend said to me tonight and since then I've been thinking. I've posted on here several times about my not so great choices in people I've dated and as I reflect I'm not even sure what I did wrong but I just ended up dealing with the wrong kind. This friend tells me I could have been married but I'm lazy And make so much excuses that I let other women pass in front of me and marry the men I was taking my time choosing. Is that wrong that I like to take my time? He said I think to much and analyze too much and men don't have time for women like that. It is true I don't act fast but it has a lot to do with fear and me trying to not get hurt but he's right some other woman is usually available and ready and swoops in to take my place and I'm left alone.

What do you ladies think about that? On this board I see a lot of comments about women calling others thirsty etc because they see another going that extra mile to land a husband but I see women that do that typically succeed and the ones being reserved are left still waiting. Should we be more aggressive in a sense? Should we being doing the chase? I have such a shy and quiet personality I'm not even sure it's in my character to put that much effort to land a husband but the ones approaching are really not cutting it. As it older I'm getting frustrated and watching everyone settle down and start their families is really depressing for me cause I feel it's such a huge accomplishment that I have yet to master. It makes me wonder why I'm not good enough but then I see those woman had means to go that extra mile and I didn't. I want to be happy and think positive thoughts but it's not working.

 

[LovelyLouboutin]

OP I'm the same way you are. I take relationships seriously and intake my to choosing people because it has to be "right" so I'll lesson my chances of being hurt.

I'm not seeing where that method has benefited me. I've still been hurt and I'm still single.

Maybe there is something to being a little less cautious and following the heart instead of psychoanalyzing every move.

 

[Glamorous_chic]

well, i think the moving too slow and going the extra mile are two different things. i wouldn't recommend anyone rush into anything, but to go at whatever pace you feel comfortable at. i'm not sure if there any specific incedents that your friend has seen regarding you moving too slow. the main thing to me is just remember its just a date, and not to put much stock in it beyond that. have fun, and take it 1 step at a time. i think as we get older and based on previous hurts, we tend to be more cautious and psychoanalyze every single thing. i'm not saying don't keep an eye out for glaring red flags. just have fun. what i'm saying is, instead of planning out your future wedding plans, getting mad b/c he called 3 days later instead of 2, or he called to make plans this weekend on wed. instead of monday and 1-2 dates/weeks. i learned to multidate and just have fun! instead of stressing myself out over if he is going to call or xyz, i took the mantra if he calls he calls if not, oh well, on to the next.

to the second part about going the extra mile.... that is how you end up bitter and angry, doing too much for everyone too soon. everyone doesn't deserve your all. i learned that a while ago, b/c i am a naturally giving person, but there are people out here who will take advantage. and it reeks of desperation. i only go the extra mile for those who have proven to be worth it, or have shown they are willing to go the extra mile for me. everyone doesn't deserve that, but it takes a long time for me to really trust someone let my guard down, so that i know you are worth my time to do anything extra.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

well, i think the moving too slow and going the extra mile are two different things. i wouldn't recommend anyone rush into anything, but to go at whatever pace you feel comfortable at. i'm not sure if there any specific incedents that your friend has seen regarding you moving too slow. the main thing to me is just remember its just a date, and not to put much stock in it beyond that. have fun, and take it 1 step at a time. i think as we get older and based on previous hurts, we tend to be more cautious and psychoanalyze every single thing. i'm not saying don't keep an eye out for glaring red flags. just have fun. what i'm saying is, instead of planning out your future wedding plans, getting mad b/c he called 3 days later instead of 2, or he called to make plans this weekend on wed. instead of monday and 1-2 dates/weeks. i learned to multidate and just have fun! instead of stressing myself out over if he is going to call or xyz, i took the mantra if he calls he calls if not, oh well, on to the next.

to the second part about going the extra mile.... that is how you end up bitter and angry, doing too much for everyone too soon. everyone doesn't deserve your all. i learned that a while ago, b/c i am a naturally giving person, but there are people out here who will take advantage. and it reeks of desperation. i only go the extra mile for those who have proven to be worth it, or have shown they are willing to go the extra mile for me. everyone doesn't deserve that, but it takes a long time for me to really trust someone let my guard down, so that i know you are worth my time to do anything extra.

My friend was using specific situations that I was in but I had my reasons why I did not act quickly with those individuals and they ended up moving on. I feel like if something is for me that I should be able to take my time to see what I'm getting. I do over analyze because I've been burned really bad when I don't. I just can't live in the moment like some but I'm slowly seeing I'm been left behind. It's like a bus that keeps coming by and I don't get on because of fear and sometimes It doesn't come along at all and I wait but when it comes around again I'm still scared. It's a vicious cycle.

 

[metro_qt]

I do believe what he is saying has some value, and for you to have brought it up means, deep down, you think so to...

He has seen specific circumstances where you failed to act.
Fail to act=get left behind.


What you also have to realize, is that it's fine if you want to move slow, but it's not fair to yourself or the other person if you're moving slow and they have a different timeline.

If you meet someone you really like and insist that things can only be done your way, the slow way, of course the person will move on.

If you can compromise with the person, or at least before getting involved with the person find out if you both have similar goals in life and similar timelines, then go ahead.

If you don't, you're mismatched, and you WILL get hurt.... Especially when they leave.

 

[metro_qt]

Just to add, if i remember some of your older posts correctly...
If you get into a situation, and they are really feeling you and want to get married, and you're not sure...

Don't take months to figure this out and string him along in the process to 'see where it goes'

First figure out what it is you want in life, in a relationship, and from him.
Second, BE CRYSTAL clear with him from the first date onwards...ie, what your intentions are etc.
Third... Within a month or so, you should figure out if both your timelines match up regarding being exclusive, marriage etc.

It's all about transparency. If a man comes to you with his intentions first, see if yours match up. If not, NEXT!

As men get older, they figure out pretty quickly what they want out of life an a mate.

 

[hopeful]

IMO there is a big difference between being fun, flirty, optimistic and chasing. Chasing a dude is not cute. But being really shy, reserved, and scared will get you left behind.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I do believe what he is saying has some value, and for you to have brought it up means, deep down, you think so to...

He has seen specific circumstances where you failed to act.
Fail to act=get left behind.


What you also have to realize, is that it's fine if you want to move slow, but it's not fair to yourself or the other person if you're moving slow and they have a different timeline.

If you meet someone you really like and insist that things can only be done your way, the slow way, of course the person will move on.

If you can compromise with the person, or at least before getting involved with the person find out if you both have similar goals in life and similar timelines, then go ahead.

If you don't, you're mismatched, and you WILL get hurt.... Especially when they leave.

I feel though if that person can't wait or is in a rush then maybe they were not the right one? I posted a while ago about a guy that I was talking to in another country and I did drag my feet cause I really did not know how to handle dealing with a long distance relationship. When I finally got the guts to go see him he had moved on and married the other lady. Apparently the other woman took action came to meet his family and then traveled about 4 times to see him and then they had a lavish wedding. He blamed me and said that could have been me but I was taking my sweet time and him he felt he was getting older and wanted to marry. I'm still crushed and confused about that but it's to late and what's done is done. I'm not much of a risk taker and dating is like taking risk. You have no clue what you'll get. Some get lucky and others continue to wait.

 

[jeanghrey]

I feel though if that person can't wait or is in a rush then maybe they were not the right one? I posted a while ago about a guy that I was talking to in another country and I did drag my feet cause I really did not know how to handle dealing with a long distance relationship. When I finally got the guts to go see him he had moved on and married the other lady. Apparently the other woman took action came to meet his family and then traveled about 4 times to see him and then they had a lavish wedding. He blamed me and said that could have been me but I was taking my sweet time and him he felt he was getting older and wanted to marry. I'm still crushed and confused about that but it's to late and what's done is done. I'm not much of a risk taker and dating is like taking risk. You have no clue what you'll get. Some get lucky and others continue to wait.

Guy sounds like a douche and be glad you didn't jump through hoops for him....doesn't sound like he was invested in the relationship.....he just wanted a wife without doing the work....

 

[JaneBond007]

Is that wrong that I like to take my time? He said I think to much and analyze too much and men don't have time for women like that.

You just need to develop your self-esteem. Being thirsty is choosing the wrong kinds, consistently, then becoming frustrated at friends who marry and have children. You have the right concept - to wait, but you are constantly choosing the wrong type out of desperation. You are right to slow down and know where you're going and who you are with. Whatever you do, don't marry that friend nor anyone else who is a male friend to him, he's an idiot with that pseudo advice. As for the foreign guy, what woman should go and see the guy in another country then get chewed out because she didn't act fast enough? He looking for a green card?

 

[DarkJoy]

This is what a male friend said to me tonight and since then I've been thinking. I've posted on here several times about my not so great choices in people I've dated and as I reflect I'm not even sure what I did wrong but I just ended up dealing with the wrong kind. This friend tells me I could have been married but I'm lazy And make so much excuses that I let other women pass in front of me and marry the men I was taking my time choosing. Is that wrong that I like to take my time? He said I think to much and analyze too much and men don't have time for women like that. It is true I don't act fast but it has a lot to do with fear and me trying to not get hurt but he's right some other woman is usually available and ready and swoops in to take my place and I'm left alone.

What do you ladies think about that? On this board I see a lot of comments about women calling others thirsty etc because they see another going that extra mile to land a husband but I see women that do that typically succeed and the ones being reserved are left still waiting. Should we be more aggressive in a sense? Should we being doing the chase? I have such a shy and quiet personality I'm not even sure it's in my character to put that much effort to land a husband but the ones approaching are really not cutting it. As it older I'm getting frustrated and watching everyone settle down and start their families is really depressing for me cause I feel it's such a huge accomplishment that I have yet to master. It makes me wonder why I'm not good enough but then I see those woman had means to go that extra mile and I didn't. I want to be happy and think positive thoughts but it's not working.

I think, Kinkyhairlady, that your friend is alluding to the fact that you are being emotionally unavailable. What it sounds like he has observed is that you have built up some thick walls and these men tire of having to chip away at it. So instead, the next chick, with less walls to chip away become The One for them.

As you said, you have fear and that is pretty much the lock and stock on emotional unavailability. Overanalysis is another brick in the mortar because you are looking for any and every little wrong thing and reading into what might not be there, or misinterpreting because you're coloring ever action and word through fearful eyes.

Folks like to over-romanticize due to media, their own childhood dreams, that the right man will chip away until you breakdown and be there for you. The reality is real life men dont got time or energy for all that. They may care for you, even love you, but they wont carry baggage that is too heavy for them too. They also have their own. ANd if BOTH of you are so bogged down with yours (or his for that matter), it becomes a one-sided relationship focusing all on your and your issues. When relationships are supposed to be both ways.

There is nothing wrong with taking your time. You just gotta let one in, though, be vulnerable, so they can get to the real you inside.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I think, Kinkyhairlady, that your friend is alluding to the fact that you are being emotionally unavailable. What it sounds like he has observed is that you have built up some thick walls and these men tire of having to chip away at it. So instead, the next chick, with less walls to chip away become The One for them.

As you said, you have fear and that is pretty much the lock and stock on emotional unavailability. Overanalysis is another brick in the mortar because you are looking for any and every little wrong thing and reading into what might not be there, or misinterpreting because you're coloring ever action and word through fearful eyes.

Folks like to over-romanticize due to media, their own childhood dreams, that the right man will chip away until you breakdown and be there for you. The reality is real life men dont got time or energy for all that. They may care for you, even love you, but they wont carry baggage that is too heavy for them too. They also have their own. ANd if BOTH of you are so bogged down with yours (or his for that matter), it becomes a one-sided relationship focusing all on your and your issues. When relationships are supposed to be both ways.

There is nothing wrong with taking your time. You just gotta let one in, though, be vulnerable, so they can get to the real you inside.

You are right I do have a wall up but I don't think I've met any man worthy for me to bring it down. Men always want the relationship to be on a physical level after like 2 dates and I'm not done for that. Typically after a few months they move on or continue to bother me and I end up cutting it off. I think when I was younger I had better quality men after me now that I'm in my 30s those good quality ones are taken. My friend really does not understand what these men have put me through and why I had to be cautious. I have some regrets but it just boggles my mind like how fast should I be moving.

 

[Duff]

I agree with everything that is said here.

I wanted to add that what your friend is telling you is true. when men are ready, they are really really ready. I know personally that they do not take time and decide very quickly. any hesitation or attempt from you to slow it down, men take as rejection and can be the start of the demise of your relationship because they will no longer look at you as a true candidate.

 

[nlamr2013]

Psh whats the divorce rate again?

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I agree with everything that is said here.

I wanted to add that what your friend is telling you is true. when men are ready, they are really really ready. I know personally that they do not take time and decide very quickly. any hesitation or attempt from you to slow it down, men take as rejection and can be the start of the demise of your relationship because they will no longer look at you as a true candidate.

I have so much to learn and it sucks I'm learning at this stage. You are right some guys I know all of the sudden are in a rush to marry before 30 and what not. The foreign guy never told me he wanted to marry before 30 but I guess due to the way I was acting some days he took me out of the candidacy. Had I known I would of made way more effort. I've never had anyone really advise me in relationships kind of had to figure things out myself. Some situations I should never have been in the first place. Smh

 

[DarkJoy]

You are right I do have a wall up but I don't think I've met any man worthy for me to bring it down. Men always want the relationship to be on a physical level after like 2 dates and I'm not done for that. Typically after a few months they move on or continue to bother me and I end up cutting it off. I think when I was younger I had better quality men after me now that I'm in my 30s those good quality ones are taken. My friend really does not understand what these men have put me through and why I had to be cautious. I have some regrets but it just boggles my mind like how fast should I be moving.

Kinkyhairlady I'm in my 40s, single for the first time in my life and men are willing to wait even at this old age . I've had a few wait several months without a single nag. My new experience has taught me that they decide pretty much on date 1 whether they will wait. It is that first impression. If a serious man senses that wall within the first few hours, well, he'll go after what he hopes to be easier and move on.

I dont think all the good quality men are gone when we're older. At this age, many of the good ones have found they had crappy first-wives and re-entering the dating scene themselves. I've run across a few, though they were not for me.

Some men really are jerks though. We all meet those. However, we have to show a little openness immediately to maybe give someone a peek inside so they can see that we're worth waiting and fighting for.

 

[londontresses]

I've noticed that when I speak to male friends about men, they encourage the behviour that some of the women I speak to would call thirsty.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I've noticed that when I speak to male friends about men, they encourage the behviour that some of the women I speak to would call thirsty.

That is so true! Some of the stuff I hear I'm like I can't do that it's too forward. Men and woman really think different. As much advice we give on this board at the end of the day we really don't know what's going on in a mans head. All my over analyzing is usually a waste of time cause usually I'm way off.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

It's true that you are missing out when you don't act as fast as the man when he decides to marry. However, if he is not calling you daily and admiring you etc, who says just because you also act fast that that results in a fabulous relationship? In other words, at the end of the day, you didn't miss much.

 

[jeanghrey]

It's true that you are missing out when you don't act as fast as the man when he decides to marry. However, if he is not calling you daily and admiring you etc, who says just because you also act fast that that results in a fabulous relationship? In other words, at the end of the day, you didn't miss much.

Thank you, I firmly believe however you start a relationship you better be ready to maintain it that way....These men want to be treated like wives nowadays....Both partners should be affirming and supportive of each other but I can't respect a man who needs constant coddling like that....a turn off for me...

 

[Glamorous_chic]

okay, i think i have a better grasp on what you're saying. i am by far no relationship expert/guru. regarding getting physical, move at your own pace. just remember though that placing an arbitrary #, like after 6 dates or 90 days then do xyz doesn't work. if a dude is going to go ghost, he will do so regardless. some will wait it out, just for the thrill of the hunt. do whatever whenever you are comfortable is all that counts, rather its date 2,3,4,5,6. also emotional unavailability, i agree men see it as rejection. i typically dont let my guard down initially, but i give the false illusion of it(hopefully this makes sense). i will still go out, be flirty, fun, and upbeat. you should be cautious, i am not saying you shouldn't, but you need to figure out what you want from a relationship and go from there and be upfront from the begining. when you stall and have to mull things over, it comes across as rejection to the other party even if that isn't how you meant it. i would just recommend you use your single time to figure out what you want in the future relationship wise, do you want to casually date, enter a serious relationship, get married, never get married but long term relationship...

 

[JaneBond007]

If men choose quickly, let that be on THEM. She wasn't the one and she should be thankful. Some people have ulterior motives. Being chided for analyzing and taking time speaks something about those men who accuse of that. Some men don't want any woman who has brains and can feel her way in that situation so that they have full reins to do whatever they want while she's clueless. Marriage is very, VERY serious and anyone who doesn't analyze the situation is, imho, entering lightly into marriage. Men wanting a brain-light woman are not the ones for OP. It's important to read both sides of that. Having a wall up differs from analyzing whether it's a good guy in the right situation for her or not. Just saying. You can get around a wall up, but it's harder to get back your protection when you're in and that wall should still have been up.

 

[Browndilocks]

I feel though if that person can't wait or is in a rush then maybe they were not the right one? I posted a while ago about a guy that I was talking to in another country and I did drag my feet cause I really did not know how to handle dealing with a long distance relationship. When I finally got the guts to go see him he had moved on and married the other lady. Apparently the other woman took action came to meet his family and then traveled about 4 times to see him and then they had a lavish wedding. He blamed me and said that could have been me but I was taking my sweet time and him he felt he was getting older and wanted to marry. I'm still crushed and confused about that but it's to late and what's done is done. I'm not much of a risk taker and dating is like taking risk. You have no clue what you'll get. Some get lucky and others continue to wait.

This sounds like you don't know what you really want. You said you dragged your feet on the other relationship, but you're upset that the guy didn't wait for you? Unless he specifically told you that he'd be willing to wait for you then I don't think you're being fair to him. You also said that you're not a risk taker, but see dating as taking a risk. If you know that you want to date then you have to be willing assess your situation and actively do what you need to do in order to make it happen. Your actions are conflicting with what you're saying you want, and maybe that's what your guy friend was trying to tell you.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I'm looking at this from another angle. We've addressed the who and the what, but WHY did he tell you this? Did you ask? Motive is just as important as the message sometime.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

This sounds like you don't know what you really want. You said you dragged your feet on the other relationship, but you're upset that the guy didn't wait for you? Unless he specifically told you that he'd be willing to wait for you then I don't think you're being fair to him. You also said that you're not a risk taker, but see dating as taking a risk. If you know that you want to date then you have to be willing assess your situation and actively do what you need to do in order to make it happen. Your actions are conflicting with what you're saying you want, and maybe that's what your guy friend was trying to tell you.

I think what happens is that I take my time and while I'm trying to figure him out he's growing impatient. Like the foreigner I was just scared of being used, I was scared of going to a third world country. There was so much I feared but when I was ready he was acting strange and I did go but he did not come meet me half way because someone else must of met with him first. Now when he is married and here he now tells me I was the one taking forever. At this point I can't even recall what happened but there was a lot of miscommunication and dishonesty. I had trust issues and did not want to be played. After meeting him I see I really had nothing to fear.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I'm looking at this from another angle. We've addressed the who and the what, but WHY did he tell you this? Did you ask? Motive is just as important as the message sometime.

He thinks he some kind of therapist. Half the time I'm not evening listening. He used to like me and always says I did not give him a chance to get his stuff together yet 7 years later he still does not have it fully together. I get what he's saying but I feel I'm misunderstood and my friends and family think I'm purposely pushing men away, some are wondering what's wrong and if it's me. I swear if I met a good quality man I would hold on tight and put my best foot forward as long as he was too.

 

[metro_qt]

I think what happens is that I take my time and while I'm trying to figure him out he's growing impatient. Like the foreigner I was just scared of being used, I was scared of going to a third world country. There was so much I feared but when I was ready he was acting strange and I did go but he did not come meet me half way because someone else must of met with him first. Now when he is married and here he now tells me I was the one taking forever. At this point I can't even recall what happened but there was a lot of miscommunication and dishonesty. I had trust issues and did not want to be played. After meeting him I see I really had nothing to fear.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Don't you think upon meeting someone and they clearly tell you, what they want is XYZ, you should be able to say:

A)that is what you want as well, or
B)no... You don't want it, or...
C) I need time to think about what you're offering, can we date for a month while I think about your offer? (I will be able to give you a better answer at such and such a point...)

In all 3 cases you're upfront with the person, and they know exactly where you stand.

If they decided to move on with you being so clear with them, then you dodged a bullet.

Your fear not only keeps you guarded, but you give mixed signals to the one you're dating... When they move on, it's you that's heartbroken.


Ps. Sex and physicality does not come into what I was saying above. If someone moves too quickly for your comfort, they should be let go/ or you both should discuss that as well.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

I think you are romanticizing what happened with you and the foreign guy and not seeing the full picture. He didn't just meet and marry the other woman. He had to be talking to both of you at the same time. There is no guarantee that if you had gone out there he wouldn't have still chosen her. I wouldn't encourage anyone to travel to a man to visit his family etc when he should be getting on a plane to visit you here first. Getting married to the right man not any man is the end game so stop feeling like you lost because he married someone else. From what I remember he put everything on YOU and you're not the male in the relationship.

I think you need to just date. Don't worry about exclusivity or setting rules. Just date. Movies, coffee, museum - mulitiple men for a few months. If someone tickle's your fancy and earns the right for more time then let it happen after 90 days but give yourself permission to just flirt with no timetables and enjoy male company. If someone wants to hang they will - if they are in a rush to "hit it" they are free to go on to the next.

 

[Mai Tai]

Kinky...please don't take offense to my post as I mean well, but from my experience with your previous post, you do not strike me as the most self-assured woman and that is a HUGE drawback when you are trying to date. Being too cautious is just as bad as being too impulsive.

You need to learn how to be strong enough to make your needs known all while willing to take a risk in truly getting to know a man, and you need to be strong enough to realize that it is wrong to make a new man pay for the mistakes that past men have made.

Relationships are risky regardless of how much time you take. No amount will make you immune to heartbreak. No man is perfect and you can't close-up and run cold just because you all have a disagreement or because he says something you don't like. Truly getting to know a man requires willingness to let the past go and start fresh.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

He thinks he some kind of therapist. Half the time I'm not evening listening. He used to like me and always says I did not give him a chance to get his stuff together yet 7 years later he still does not have it fully together. I get what he's saying but I feel I'm misunderstood and my friends and family think I'm purposely pushing men away, some are wondering what's wrong and if it's me. I swear if I met a good quality man I would hold on tight and put my best foot forward as long as he was too.

Yeah, no. There may have been *some* truth in what he said but I figured it was some backhanded "if you didn't give me a chance, you have problems" mess. I think you already know which areas you could improve on, I wouldn't take *every* thing he said to heart.