You love him but you aren't sure you are in love. Would you still marry him?

L

locabouthair

Well-Known Member
Let's say you know you love your guy but you're not sure if you are in love. You definitely have romantic feelings for him and you care for him but you're not experiencing the butterflies and all that gaga gaga stuff. Would you still marry him? Do you think love can grow?
 
You sound confused and maybe aren't sure what love is really about....it's definitely not about butterflies. Please don't invite someone else into your confusion. Get your thoughts/feelings together first before making any life changing decisions.
 
comike said:
You sound confused and maybe aren't sure what love is really about....it's definitely not about butterflies. Please don't invite someone else into your confusion. Get your thoughts/feelings together first before making any life changing decisions.
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Thanks but the question was kind of hypothetical. It was based on a convo I had with one of my friends. I'm no where near marriage lol.

Movies and books often make it seem like you're supposed to get these butterflies in your stomach but thats not always the case.
 
My experience:

I loved him but I was not in love with him. He was a good man but I felt no butterflies, no romantic feelings of any kind. What I did feel was secure, safe and like I was dating my brother. I spent 10 years like this because people were trying to convince me that I was wrong and I need to open up and let that man in. After all he was a good man. 10 years!!! Nothing changed on my end and I realized that I had to do what I had to do. Last year I broke up with him. It was very hard but I felt sooo free.

I'm sorry, I NEED to be in love...I do think that is very important. I know I will find a compitable good man that I can be IN LOVE with.
 
Angel_Face said:
My experience:

I loved him but I was not in love with him. He was a good man but I felt no butterflies, no romantic feelings of any kind. What I did feel was secure, safe and like I was dating my brother. I spent 10 years like this because people were trying to convince me that I was wrong and I need to open up and let that man in. After all he was a good man. 10 years!!! Nothing changed on my end and I realized that I had to do what I had to do. Last year I broke up with him. It was very hard but I felt sooo free.

I'm sorry, I NEED to be in love...I do think that is very important. I know I will find a compatable good man that I can be IN LOVE with.
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Thanks for sharing. Wow. Since you say didnt have any romantic feelings, if you felt you had some feelings for him even if you weren't in love would you have stayed?
 
locabouthair said:
Thanks for sharing. Wow. Since you say didnt have any romantic feelings, if you felt you had some feelings for him even if you weren't in love would you have stayed?
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No, I would have still left. Or honestly, someone may have pulled me away. I know me...I know what I want and need now in order to feel fulfilled. I dont have to settle anymore.
 
Angel_Face said:
My experience:

I loved him but I was not in love with him. He was a good man but I felt no butterflies, no romantic feelings of any kind. What I did feel was secure, safe and like I was dating my brother. I spent 10 years like this because people were trying to convince me that I was wrong and I need to open up and let that man in. After all he was a good man. 10 years!!! Nothing changed on my end and I realized that I had to do what I had to do. Last year I broke up with him. It was very hard but I felt sooo free.

I'm sorry, I NEED to be in love...I do think that is very important. I know I will find a compitable good man that I can be IN LOVE with.
Click to expand...

I can agree with the bolded... except I was in a marriage and we had 2 kids.. we were together a total of 14 yrs.. I loved him but wasnt IN LOVE with him... our marriage counselor told me that I had to stop telling him that I loved him, but wasnt IN love with him.. he said it'd confuse him :nono:

Needless to say.. I let him go. He still would like to work things out.. we havent been together in 6+yrs.. Ive moved on... he really hasnt
 
LilMissRed said:
I can agree with the bolded... except I was in a marriage and we had 2 kids.. we were together a total of 14 yrs.. I loved him but wasnt IN LOVE with him... our marriage counselor told me that I had to stop telling him that I loved him, but wasnt IN love with him.. he said it'd confuse him :nono:

Needless to say.. I let him go. He still would like to work things out.. we havent been together in 6+yrs.. Ive moved on... he really hasnt
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Same here. I dont understand him either. I wonder, doesnt he know he deserves better that to be with a woman that is not in love with him. It's been a year and I still get the occasional, "I wish things were different, I wish we were still together I still see you as my wife" It hurts me every time he does that. I feel like I did him wrong. But then I realize that I was doing what was best for me.
 
Are married people in love with each other their WHOLE marriage????? There maybe times where you are not in love, but you always love him.
 
Angel_Face said:
My experience:

I loved him but I was not in love with him. He was a good man but I felt no butterflies, no romantic feelings of any kind. What I did feel was secure, safe and like I was dating my brother. I spent 10 years like this because people were trying to convince me that I was wrong and I need to open up and let that man in. After all he was a good man. 10 years!!! Nothing changed on my end and I realized that I had to do what I had to do. Last year I broke up with him. It was very hard but I felt sooo free.

I'm sorry, I NEED to be in love...I do think that is very important. I know I will find a compitable good man that I can be IN LOVE with.
Click to expand...

the same thing happened to me except i married him believing that i would grow to be inlove with him and its always better if they love you more then you do them. listening to family, friends, internet etc i tried to force it but all i did was wind up wasting his time, life and mine. he deserves better. after 10 plus years nothing had changed. had to let it go.
i need to be inlove.
 
Angel_Face said:
Same here. I dont understand him either. I wonder, doesnt he know he deserves better that to be with a woman that is not in love with him. It's been a year and I still get the occasional, "I wish things were different, I wish we were still together I still see you as my wife" It hurts me every time he does that. I feel like I did him wrong. But then I realize that I was doing what was best for me.
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the exact same situation :sad:
 
locabouthair said:
Let's say you know you love your guy but you're not sure if you are in love. You definitely have romantic feelings for him and you care for him but you're not experiencing the butterflies and all that gaga gaga stuff. Would you still marry him? Do you think love can grow?
Click to expand...


I am going to break down your exact words:

The woman in this hypo:

-- loves her guy
-- definitely has romantic feelings for him
-- cares for him
-- has NOT experienced butterflies or gaga stuff


This situation is not nearly as difficult to figure out as other possible ones, IMO. Here you have a woman who is deeply attached to, cares for, and yes, loves, her partner, but the only thing she hasn't experienced is this magical "butterfly/gaga" component.

If I were that woman, I see no problem whatsoever in marrying/forming a life partnership with her man. The "butterfly" notion raises a 101 questions:

Why give up partnership with a man you have confirmed love for (based on what you wrote above) simply (that is to say, only, or merely,) because one sensation is not present?

Who knows what "butterflies" are, and who gets to define that for each of us?

How does she know that there's a deficiency in her love, rather than that she just happens to feel emotions less physically and viscerally than others?

What if her own version of a butterfly is the rush of fondness or affection she feels when her SO calls her and says "I'm bringing home Chinese food. What should I order for you?"

Even if there were one approved, universal Butterfly, if she does, as you wrote above, "love and have romantic feelings for" her partner, does she even NEED the B to feel content and happy with him?

Just a few things to consider.
 
comike said:
You sound confused and maybe aren't sure what love is really about....it's definitely not about butterflies. Please don't invite someone else into your confusion. Get your thoughts/feelings together first before making any life changing decisions.
Click to expand...

I agree with this.
 
It takes more than being in love to build a solid marriage. It takes a combination of things.

I have times of that silly butterfly in the stomach feel towards my husband but overall I don't feel that way. Most couples I know that build their relationship on that type of feel are not together today.

I love my husband, period. But that inlove feel comes and goes. Hell, sometimes I don't even like him.

Marriage is about more than a feeling. Sometimes I think people will never learn that.
 
YankeeCandle said:
I am going to break down your exact words:

The woman in this hypo:

-- loves her guy
-- definitely has romantic feelings for him
-- cares for him
-- has NOT experienced butterflies or gaga stuff


This situation is not nearly as difficult to figure out as other possible ones, IMO. Here you have a woman who is deeply attached to, cares for, and yes, loves, her partner, but the only thing she hasn't experienced is this magical "butterfly/gaga" component.

If I were that woman, I see no problem whatsoever in marrying/forming a life partnership with her man. The "butterfly" notion raises a 101 questions:

Why give up partnership with a man you have confirmed love for (based on what you wrote above) simply (that is to say, only, or merely,) because one sensation is not present?

Who knows what "butterflies" are, and who gets to define that for each of us?

How does she know that there's a deficiency in her love, rather than that she just happens to feel emotions less physically and viscerally than others?

What if her own version of a butterfly is the rush of fondness or affection she feels when her SO calls her and says "I'm bringing home Chinese food. What should I order for you?"

Even if there were one approved, universal Butterfly, if she does, as you wrote above, "love and have romantic feelings for" her partner, does she even NEED the B to feel content and happy with him?

Just a few things to consider.
Click to expand...

I wonder who told her she's suppose to experience that? Did she experience it with someone else and she expects it from every relationship? If so, why is she not with the other guy she experienced it with? Fairly tales have screwed Americans up. That's why I don't teach my daughter that crazy mess. That is not life.
 
I really dislike the phrase I love you but I'm not in love with you. That basically means you don't love him. You care for him , sure, but I don't know how people just toss the word love around carelessly. Either you do or you don't. Everything else is just a way to confuse yourself, or him into staying. Men do this to women, women do this to men. The whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a means to keep someone that you really care about, but aren't sure that you really love. But by saying love it's a way to trick them and you into thinking the relationship is more meaning ful then it is. If you love him, you love him. If you don't you don't.

Would I stay with someone that I care for but don't love, would I marry them? No. I would marry a person I love. I don't think love is just one feeling of butterflies though, it is much more than that. And I believe any person knows when they really truly love someone, because there can not be any confusion when it's real. And I think for sure you know if there is romantic interest and love. If you care about someone and feel like someone mentioned above, like they're your brother...um there is zero romantic interest...then it isn't romantic love (one of a relationship between two people who want to be romatically linked and unite in a marriage). If you just feel safe with them...I feel safe with my dog, I feel safe with my brother (he's in the military and knows how to defend himself), I feel safe with my mom (she cares about everyone), I feel safe with my friends...you get the point. Love is more than that too imo.

So anyways I think we all know what it is when we find it, but just delude ourselves (sometimes) into trying to make something more than it is.

Just because someone is a good man doesn't make him a good man for you. We all deserve romantic love (and that love isn't always lovey dovey, sometimes the person will get on your nerves, but hopefully most times they'll fill your life with joy and you'll realize that you would fight to the end for this person...when the chips are down you'll lift them up, and want to make their life better, just as they want to make your life better, and that there's no place else you'd rather be than with them...and hopefully vice versa. When you look at them you'll see a future and you'll want to be apart of that reality with them and can see yourself growing old with them).
 
locabouthair said:
Let's say you know you love your guy but you're not sure if you are in love. You definitely have romantic feelings for him and you care for him but you're not experiencing the butterflies and all that gaga gaga stuff. Would you still marry him? Do you think love can grow?
Click to expand...

People should approach marriage like a partnership. There should be emotions and feelings there but you should definitely weigh the factors that make a marriage as well. Honesty, like-mindedness, shared values, his ability to take care of a family, ambition, all these things should be center stage. Marriage is not a hallmark card. This is why arranged marriages do so well. THe goal is to have a good partner, not to have butterflies all the time.
 
I agree with most of this, but I also think you should love them too^^^ You should definitely keep looking if you're in a tragic love relationship for sure. You should severe it and find someone that you love who is also of a like mind, similar moral/ethics, beliefs, as well as someone who is healthy for you in every way. But I do think love is a necessity to start a relationship (marriage). See that you said there should be feelings involved, but I'd like to go a step further because you can have "feelings" for any one you date. You have to love them I think in order to want to take that extra step. At least I do. Everything else I agree with wholeheartedly.
 
I told my friend yesterday "What's love got to do with it? More than not, Love is just not enough," and she called me a pessemist. I don't think so... Yes, you need the foundation of love but marriage probably encompasses a whole lot more than just that "in love" feeling.
 
*sigh* Well I guess I will never be married then.

If I could go in depth with my story it would be a hell of a lot more understandable. But all I summarized it with was that I was not in love and I want to be. No I dont expect to be in love constantly with my SO/DH. But with me, it was NEVER there for him. My situation started off "iffy" in my heart to begin with. I should have listened to my soul then.
 
Angel_Face said:
*sigh* Well I guess I will never be married then.

If I could go in depth with my story it would be a hell of a lot more understandable. But all I summarized it with was that I was not in love and I want to be. No I dont expect to be in love constantly with my SO/DH. But with me, it was NEVER there for him. My situation started off "iffy" in my heart to begin with. I should have listened to my soul then.
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Everyone is different. I agree 10 years is a long time to spend with someone younever had those feelings for.:yep:
 
dlewis said:
I wonder who told her she's suppose to experience that? Did she experience it with someone else and she expects it from every relationship? If so, why is she not with the other guy she experienced it with? Fairly tales have screwed Americans up. That's why I don't teach my daughter that crazy mess. That is not life.
Click to expand...
My dad is always saying that "marriage is like a retirement plan" - Some days you contribute to it because you love it and you're excited about it. Some days you contribute because you realize its the best thing for you. And some days you contribute, even though you really don't want to, because you have faith that one day it's going to be worth something or simply because twenty years, you committed to contributing to it.
 
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luckiestdestiny said:
I really dislike the phrase I love you but I'm not in love with you. That basically means you don't love him. You care for him , sure, but I don't know how people just toss the word love around carelessly. Either you do or you don't. Everything else is just a way to confuse yourself, or him into staying. Men do this to women, women do this to men. The whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a means to keep someone that you really care about, but aren't sure that you really love. But by saying love it's a way to trick them and you into thinking the relationship is more meaning ful then it is. If you love him, you love him. If you don't you don't.
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You beat me to it. I always thought that the "I love you, but not in love with you" was such a cliched phrase (and I really dislike cliches) that really didn't say much at all... or was a cop out.

Now, I believe that people can marry someone that they care about, but do not love. I don't think this is a good thing. But I don't think it's at all a matter of supposedly "loving" versus "being in love" with that person. Honestly, there doesn't have to be a difference unless, perhaps, you don't have much romantic love at all for the person that you're involved with.

And in some cases, folks have unrealistic expectations of relationships and marriage and don't understand that they aren't going to be head over heels for their partner every single day... and many a bad relationship has started (or continued needlessly) because of an obsession with "butterflies." That ain't love...

Like you said though, romantic love is important. If you have that for your partner, then that negates all of this handwringing about "love" versus "being in love" -- which most times, is a distraction from the real issue.
 
Do you mean like platonic love? Because that what I think when someone says that. I love my BFF but I'm not in romantic love with her. So in my opinion she is in love with him. She just expected it to feel differently.

Would I marry someone I only had platonic feelings of love for? I can't say. I imagine not. I am in love with my DH. I know because there have been days where that LOVE and GRACE have been the only thing that kept me from putting all his ish on the lawn.
 
JayAnn0513 said:
Do you mean like platonic love? Because that what I think when someone says that. I love my BFF but I'm not in romantic love with her. So in my opinion she is in love with him. She just expected it to feel differently.

Would I marry someone I only had platonic feelings of love for? I can't say. I imagine not. I am in love with my DH. I know because there have been days where that LOVE and GRACE have been the only thing that kept me from putting all his ish on the lawn.
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:lachen::lachen::lachen::lachen: I know that feeling.
 
Ms Red said:
I told my friend yesterday "What's love got to do with it? More than not, Love is just not enough," and she called me a pessemist. I don't think so... Yes, you need the foundation of love but marriage probably encompasses a whole lot more than just that "in love" feeling.
Click to expand...

I have a friend who says this and I use to agree until I ended up in a relationship that had everything except real love. It's like dying a slow emotionless death. :sad:
 
Angel_Face said:
*sigh* Well I guess I will never be married then.

If I could go in depth with my story it would be a hell of a lot more understandable. But all I summarized it with was that I was not in love and I want to be. No I dont expect to be in love constantly with my SO/DH. But with me, it was NEVER there for him. My situation started off "iffy" in my heart to begin with. I should have listened to my soul then.
Click to expand...


Me, too! But I was looking at everything else the relationship was. After all, "he's such a good man". I want so badly to be in love with him, but it just isn't going to happen. :nono:
 
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