You Didn't Lose the Person You Thought You Lost‏

[Bunny77]

Good article and good message here... more thoughts on figuring out who's real and who's not, and how not to WASTE time, energy and emotions on Mr. Wrong!


You know what it's like to get devastated when a promising new relationship doesn't work out? Well, take heart - you didn't actually lose ANYTHING.

In fact, you gained the freedom to find the person you ARE meant to be with.

A client of mine shared a story with me recently.

She said that she'd gone out with this new guy three times.

He was older, divorced, and a real gentleman.

Unlike many men she'd met online, this man made a great effort each time.

He'd make plans in advance, email her in between dates, compliment her when he saw her, pay for everything, and talk about having a future together.

He was even a great kisser!

But one night while the new couple was fooling around on the couch, things got a little weird.

To avoid going too far, too fast, my client (after some heavy petting), said what I told her to say when putting on the brakes:

"I also want you badly, but I only sleep with guys that I know I'm in a committed relationship with. That doesn't mean that we can't do a lot of other fun things together, but I don't want the man I have sex with to be hitting on other girls on Match.com tomorrow."

The idea behind this is to let the man know that you ARE into him, but that you have just this one very reasonable boundary.

Generally, guys can understand this. If we really dig you, this is our chance to step up and become boyfriends. If we don't, this is a clear sign to get out. Either way, it's impossible for us to disrespect a woman who says she only has sex in a committed relationship. Even if we're not getting our instant gratification met, no man can find fault with a woman who values herself.

Alas, my client never heard from her guy the day after, or the day after that, or ever again. And when she started thinking, she started to get upset with me. After all, it was my advice that had killed her relationship. For all she knows, maybe if she would have slept with him, he would have asked her out again.

Uh uh. Nope. Fuhgeddaboutit.

Setting down boundaries for sex is a truth test - and this guy failed with flying colors.

Which is why my client really shouldn't be all that upset. Nor should you be upset if you ever set a reasonable boundary and the guy walks away. What's a reasonable boundary? Calling to talk in between dates, making plans in advance, committing to a relationship after three months. If you suggest this and a guy refuses, then guess what?

He's NOT the guy she thought he was. You didn't lose your future husband. You lost the ILLUSION of your future husband. See, your future husband, when faced with the prospect of waiting for intercourse will do one of two things:

Decide that, yes, he does like you enough to be your boyfriend. He was just too afraid to push things that fast, but he's glad you suggested it.

Decide that he's not ready to commit yet, but he appreciates your respectable stance. You'll both get semi-naked, have a little fun, and no hearts will be broken.

Your future husband does NOT:

Bail like a rat leaving from a sinking ship.

So if you're worrying about why some guy or gal disappears suddenly on you - without any reasonable explanation - the thing to know is this:

You're OVERRATING that person's character.

They are NOT a good partner for you.

Be GLAD that you learned this person is not in it for the long haul.

Remember, during this lonely holiday season...there are good people out there - people just like you, who are wondering where to connect with you.

The only responsibility you have is to continue to make the effort to meet them.

And if you don't know where to do it, might I suggest a little place known as the Internet? It's worked for millions. It can work for you, too.

Especially if you don't want to go with the trial and error of figuring it all out yourself.

That's what dating coaches are for. I went on 300 dates so you don't have to!

Have an amazing day and a better tomorrow.

Warmest wishes,

Evan Marc Katz

 

[happycakes]

Next time tell her to go out and buy the book "Why men love b......" . She'll know all she needs to know about dating and finding out if the next guy is right for her and what she needs to do to avoid these situations.

I'm reading this book now and it has given me so much confidence. It's entertaining and will show us women how to get the respect we deserve naturally.

It might not be the end to all, but it's a real confidence booster.

And if it doesn't work out for her, she can blame it on the author. lol

I recommend this book to all women. Great great book.

Tis all for now........

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I need to revisit... WMLB, The rules... Fallig on some hard times, and need to revamp for new year...

 

[Bunny77]

Next time tell her to go out and buy the book "Why men love b......" . She'll know all she needs to know about dating and finding out if the next guy is right for her and what she needs to do to avoid these situations.

I'm reading this book now and it has given me so much confidence. It's entertaining and will show us women how to get the respect we deserve naturally.

It might not be the end to all, but it's a real confidence booster.

And if it doesn't work out for her, she can blame it on the author. lol

I recommend this book to all women. Great great book.

Tis all for now........

Love that book!

I need to revisit... WMLB, The rules... Fallig on some hard times, and need to revamp for new year...

Hurry up and read! It might save ya from yourself!


As I read this article, I thought of what might have happened if she did sleep with this guy. He probably would have stuck around for a little bit, but then this probably would have happened.

Ole' girl probably would start to notice that things weren't going anywhere. She'd still be going out, talking sometimes and sexing ole' boy, but this "relationship" she wants was still not being discussed. So then she'd start to ask him about that. He'd say, "He's not ready." She'd start stressing, asking friends for advice, start doing more to show him he's the one, which would make him back away more... and suddenly, what could have been cut off a LONG time ago becomes an ordeal lasting months (or years in some cases) and turns into an emotionally draining situation that will further delay finding the right one.

The worst thing is having to heal from a "breakup" of a relationship that never existed in the first place.


How many of y'all can relate to that?

 

[gn1g]

Bunny, that was my story not too long ago. I rehashed and rehashed every date and thought about it morning noon and nite, how could I let such a good catch get away. The guy was almost everything I was looking for. He was very very comforting to me. His voice would melt me. I told him I had to be in a committed relationship before we could go another furtha, we dated once or twice more after that and then he vanished.

Another male friend of mines told me "even when it seems like you're loosing you're really winning"

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny, that was my story not too long ago. I rehashed and rehashed every date and thought about it morning noon and nite, how could I let such a good catch get away. The guy was almost everything I was looking for. He was very very comforting to me. His voice would melt me. I told him I had to be in a committed relationship before we could go another furtha, we dated once or twice more after that and then he vanished.

Another male friend of mines told me "even when it seems like you're loosing you're really winning"

It definitely happened to me... how my insistence on waiting made a dude run, and the other side happened a few years ago... ended up getting involved intimately and he stuck around... WHILE STILL DATING OTHER PEOPLE!!!

That eventually ended too because he said that he wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship.

So whatever your choice is -- sleeping with him or not -- if he's not ready to have a committed relationship, most likely, the same result will happen in the end.

He won't be around.

 

[AtlantaJJ]

I haven't read this book or the thread yet but the intro reminded me of a time when I was sad about a relationship that had gone south. After some time I realized that the person I broke up with was not the man he presented himself to be. I was greiving for a lost relationship with a man I was never with! It took me some time to come to that realization but I felt so much better when I did. That taught me to listen to a person and see them for who they are and not to see a projection of a person that I hope that they will be based on my desires.

ETA: Read the first post, that's excellent advice for dating!

 

[AtlantaJJ]

It definitely happened to me... how my insistence on waiting made a dude run, and the other side happened a few years ago... ended up getting involved intimately and he stuck around... WHILE STILL DATING OTHER PEOPLE!!!

That eventually ended too because he said that he wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship.

So whatever your choice is -- sleeping with him or not -- if he's not ready to have a committed relationship, most likely, the same result will happen in the end.

He won't be around.

This is so true!

 

[itismehmmkay]

I haven't read the article yet, but the title alone is awesome

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I haven't read this book or the thread yet but the intro reminded me of a time when I was sad about a relationship that had gone south. After some time I realized that the person I broke up with was not the man he presented himself to be. I was greiving for a lost relationship with a man I was never with! It took me some time to come to that realization but I felt so much better when I did. That taught me to listen to a person and see them for who they are and not to see a projection of a person that I hope that they will be based on my desires.

ETA: Read the first post, that's excellent advice for dating!

Why do we do that to ourselves I'm guilty of doing this too.

 

[happycakes]

Try reading both books "Why men love b....." and Why men marry b....." Her second book is really the end to all for me. I love love love it!! If you're short on cash, just get the "Why men marry b......" - this book jumps straight to the point. Or better yet, get this book from your public library. I did.

If all women were on the same b.... accord, men would have to do the chasing. However, since some women make it easy for men, they just juggle the nice girls around.

Ladies get this book!!! I don't believe you will regret it.

 

[AtlantaJJ]

I'm sure it's an excellent book that I should have read 25 year ago! LOL I have gotten to that common sense "b&tch" point via experience. I could write the book myself now...

 

[Duchesse]

Love that book!

The worst thing is having to heal from a "breakup" of a relationship that never existed in the first place.


How many of y'all can relate to that?

Ouch!! Ain't that the truth!

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

As I read this article, I thought of what might have happened if she did sleep with this guy. He probably would have stuck around for a little bit, but then this probably would have happened.

Ole' girl probably would start to notice that things weren't going anywhere. She'd still be going out, talking sometimes and sexing ole' boy, but this "relationship" she wants was still not being discussed. So then she'd start to ask him about that. He'd say, "He's not ready." She'd start stressing, asking friends for advice, start doing more to show him he's the one, which would make him back away more... and suddenly, what could have been cut off a LONG time ago becomes an ordeal lasting months (or years in some cases) and turns into an emotionally draining situation that will further delay finding the right one.

The worst thing is having to heal from a "breakup" of a relationship that never existed in the first place.


How many of y'all can relate to that?

Sadly, yes, I can. I need to read this book as well.

 

[tiara76]

what I always tell women....if what you are looking for is a committed relationship better stick to your guns and be open to those who willingly want the same thing....there are dudes who are looking to be in relationships and those who aren't and those who get caught up getting in one when they aren't looking for one, but if that is your personal goal put it out there, if he runs let him run.....alot of men will run from commitment even if he's feeling you and if you say you are going to only have sex with a man whose in a committed relationship then you better stick to your guns.....too many women talk the talk and don't walk the walk.....

if you claim you only want a commitment, and only then will you have sex then don't talk about it be about it...if you are scared he's gonna leave if you don't give into sex with him then u are having sex for the wrong reasons, if you somehow think having sex with him will change his mind if he's wary, you are having sex for the wrong reasons...if that certain person isn't who you wan't, then stop trying to make him be and just let him be and if who he is and who he is being at the present time isn't what u are looking for then leave, or let him go with a thank you not a how could you......one of the biggest favors he could of did for you

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

I need to go back and pick up Why men Love B's....do you know someone stole my Why Men marry B's and the other one I let a friend borrow...but I dun think I will ever get it back lol I want her to have her own copy anyway. Ima go get a new one

 

[ALWAYZL8]

Going through this now. I'm grieving over somebody I never had. I messed up when I did the do without the talk! I woke up the next morning feeling like something wasn't right. I confronted him and told him I could not be "friends with benefits" and he distanced himself away from me. I'm still heart broken.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

I went through the very same thing this year. I realized that I was in a fantasy relationship and I was wasting my time. How can I receive the love that I know I deserve if I sit back and wait on this unavailable idiot? I let go of it all. Its been 4 months and I feel better about the situation. This guy was clearly not the person that I thought he was but also when I person shows you who they are - - >believe them. I overlooked alot of red signs that could have avoided the heartache and pain. It feels good to finally start the healing process and I know that I will meet the person that's just right for me.

 

[MCMLXXII]

I needed those words.

My long time phone crush (long story) just conceded that he has a girlfriend and this news knocked the wind out of my sails. Like the article mentions, I think I overrated this guy and was clearly taken by his "illusion"...still makes me sad though.

 

[Bunny77]

Going through this now. I'm grieving over somebody I never had. I messed up when I did the do without the talk! I woke up the next morning feeling like something wasn't right. I confronted him and told him I could not be "friends with benefits" and he distanced himself away from me. I'm still heart broken.

Awww... (Same to you Natasha and MCM)

These situations show us why we have to have a plan before we get in too deep.

The dating game is SO different these days and I think a lot of us who never really learned about all of this from people close to us have had trouble figuring out these new "rules," but if we learn anything, it's that we HAVE to make sure that we know where these guys stand in terms of their thoughts on commitment and relationships before we commit ourselves to them.

If you look in the article, notice how the guy mentioned that this man made his move on the third date. It seems like we have pretty much made it mandatory that something is supposed to "happen" on a third date. I don't know about y'all, but it seems that while it starts with a kiss, plenty of dudes will try for much more than that if you seem to be going along with it... and most likely, he certainly has not brought up "the talk" before he started kissing you, right?

So, knowing this... whether it's the third date, second date, fourth date (BETTA NOT BE THE FIRST DATE ), when he goes in for the "move," be ready. Don't get caught up and then be unable to say what you feel before your clothes end up on the floor! And hopefully on the dates, you've learned enough about his character so that you at least will feel that this guy is a stand up guy who will respect what you say and stick around. If he doesn't stick around, that sucks, but at least you know and you'll lick your wounds for just a short time, right?

 

[gn1g]

....alot of men will run from commitment even if he's feeling you .....

. . . if you somehow think having sex with him will change his mind if he's wary, you are having sex for the wrong reasons...if that certain person isn't who you wan't, then stop trying to make him be

I swear you have the best advice on relationships, I nominate you for the
"Relationship guru".

A male friend of mines always say that women think they can change men and that's where women go wrong.

 

[locabouthair]

I haven't read this book or the thread yet but the intro reminded me of a time when I was sad about a relationship that had gone south. After some time I realized that the person I broke up with was not the man he presented himself to be. I was greiving for a lost relationship with a man I was never with! It took me some time to come to that realization but I felt so much better when I did. That taught me to listen to a person and see them for who they are and not to see a projection of a person that I hope that they will be based on my desires.

ETA: Read the first post, that's excellent advice for dating!

I did the same thing this year. I let a guy know that I was not cool with being FWB, and he stopped calling. Then I kept asking myself whats wrong with me, why doesnt he want me?

He had almost everything I wanted in a guy, tall, working on his master's, had his own place, and was trying to buy a home, all by age 25. I think my mind was clouded by his accomlishments and I thought I lost this great person. Who really wasnt that great if he stopped calling like that. was really hurt by that, I was feeling him a lot, but you live and learn.

Thank God I didn't sleep with him.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

The question is how do you stop yourself from falling in love with a man's potential? It's so easy to get caught up in what the relationship could be. Liking someone is such a wonderful feeling, especially if the person gives you an indication that he likes you back. But HOW can you put the brakes on it and let him show up as a man? I have always gotten ahead of myself, no matter how hard I try. And I'm not talking about breaking the rules, just getting myself mentally and emotionally caught up. erplexed

 

[tiara76]

I swear you have the best advice on relationships, I nominate you for the
"Relationship guru".

A male friend of mines always say that women think they can change men and that's where women go wrong.

Well there are some women who are willing to go with the flow to see what happens....then there are those who are very rigid in what they want...and usually if they run across somebody who isn't from pretty much the beginning what they want or are looking for then they may find themselves disappointed because now they are taking somebody and projecting their image of him onto him and trying to "mold" him into that man........then if he doesn't turn into that guy they say its his fault.....I think every man is capable of being "that man"....however realistically speaking people have to accept and take people where they are.....and people have got to start being as honest as possible with each other...stop acting like you are okay with certain things if you really or not and say that you are doing it for the other person, when you aren't...you are doing it for you...in hopes that your "sacrifices" will yield you a return....anytime you are not giving, doing or being solely because of the other person, then you are doing it for yourself....and thats when love and giving goes from authentic to inauthentic.....from love to selfishness....and if you are solely doing things as an investment for a return.....then the truth is

you feel you are missing something and you are trying to get it from another person and if you don't get it the world seemingly ends....and since you've picked and decided who was gonna be that person and put responsibility for your well being onto them, if they "fail"....its all their fault...now if you "luck" out and find somebody who can be that person u want him to be, now if you still haven't managed to look within and see that you never were and never are empty of what you think you are missing you will become "needy"...because no matter how much they "love" you...you will feel it, but it won't fill you up...and the minute they are gone too long, out of your site or presence you start to get panicky because they are taking what you "need" away from you....then fear and ego comes into play and things can really start to get ridiculous.....jealousy because you fear if they pay attention or share their love with others that there is less for you and since you've made them your sole source you act "jealous", and then attach that to love....its not....insecurity comes into play and all sorts of other fears all having to do with the possibility that you may lose this love, and if its gone, you are "empty" and "alone" again...we demand promises we can hold others too, or try to at least, we demand a whole bunch of words that literally don't mean anything if the actions behind them don't match, but yet we will desperately hold onto them for dear life and try to make them mean something......we try to construct these relationships of conditional love and and false securities and wonder how come we are always on edge, trying so hard to make things "work", fearing things will fall apart, etc...

again..inauthentic giving, doing or being in the name of love = to giving nothing.....what u put out you get back......even if you find somebody who "loves" you back sometimes it can be real hard to figure out how come u need it more and more...because no matter what, if you don't feel it inside, another person can't fill u up and just like material things we think will make us happy we keep needing and having to get more and more because we think at some point we will finally be "satisfied"....most people aren't...they get what they think will make them fullfilled and happy and find out that they aren't after the intial satisfaction of "getting" wears off

when one has finally come to the point where they have taken the time to find the love within, they will see the difference in "needing" somebody for love and truly "appreciating" love when its given....its not scary, its beautiful

 

[cocoaluv]

I wish I knew about this site while I was in college. It would have saved me a TON of heart/headaches. My mom didnt tell me much about relationships other than "make sure he gets tested for everything and dont get pregnant" sooooooooooo I knew nothing about the emotional toll a relationship can take on you. Especially when the guy is older and much more experienced.

 

[tiara76]

The question is how do you stop yourself from falling in love with a man's potential? It's so easy to get caught up in what the relationship could be. Liking someone is such a wonderful feeling, especially if the person gives you an indication that he likes you back. But HOW can you put the brakes on it and let him show up as a man? I have always gotten ahead of myself, no matter how hard I try. And I'm not talking about breaking the rules, just getting myself mentally and emotionally caught up. erplexed

first a woman has to know what type of person he is to begin with and see the truth of what he's capable of growing into .... for people who love animals they know there is a distinct difference in loving a dog and loving a cat....they are completely different animals capable of loving, just in very different ways....if u "expect" a cat to act like a dog and try to love it like a dog you will have a very unhappy cat, a cat is a cat and acts like a cat, loves like a cat and responds and likes to be around those who treat it like a cat......if u try to love a cat so much in hopes it will start acting like a dog......you will find yourself very frustrated , upset and hurt because its not responding to your "love".....all men are capable of being the man they are, however all men aren't the same and what they are at the highest levels still may not be whats for you depending on what u are looking for...thats why there are all types of different "alternative" relationships that work for other people outside of the "traditional" relationships that we are supposed to only want and the ones that make us "for real" loving good people.....and like the other poster said....know what you are seeiing...if his potential for a mate is based on exterior factors....good job, good credit, looks good then disillusion can easily settle in , because they don't have to be complete assholes, but they can be who they are, and since u want everything he represents on paper u want to make him represent everything else...

its like trying to love a gay man str8 because u think he has the potential to be str8

if u want a man a certain way, find a man a certain way because if you aren't flexible enough or okay emotionally enough to go with the flow and see what transpires and your whole well being in life isn't attached to an outcome, and ur whole reason for even being is solely for a specific outcome the whole relationship is thrown off if he doesn't "pan out".....because alot times we move out of the present and into the future and we aren't seeing, being or growing or knowing the person we are with who is right in front us doing and being who they currently are, we are with somebody we constructed in our heads and trying to make them fit the bill of that image

then its all his fault, or either u beat urself up....Im so dumb, Ive wasted so much time, etc....both are destructive blaming him and beating urself up

so in order to stop falling in love with a man's potential you would have to fall in love with who he is at the present moment...if who he is right now isn't good enough for you then leave

 

[Bunny77]

I wish I knew about this site while I was in college. It would have saved me a TON of heart/headaches. My mom didnt tell me much about relationships other than "make sure he gets tested for everything and dont get pregnant" sooooooooooo I knew nothing about the emotional toll a relationship can take on you. Especially when the guy is older and much more experienced.

Me too!

Then again, when I was in college, the Internet was just gettin' started... You were lucky if a full page loaded in a half hour!

But I say this all the time... oh, if I had only had LHCF back then...

 

[Bunny77]

so in order to stop falling in love with a man's potential you would have to fall in love with who he is at the present moment...if who he is right now isn't good enough for you then leave

Absolutely!

 

[Bunny77]

The question is how do you stop yourself from falling in love with a man's potential? It's so easy to get caught up in what the relationship could be. Liking someone is such a wonderful feeling, especially if the person gives you an indication that he likes you back. But HOW can you put the brakes on it and let him show up as a man? I have always gotten ahead of myself, no matter how hard I try. And I'm not talking about breaking the rules, just getting myself mentally and emotionally caught up. erplexed

I wonder if part of this is because men come on very strong in the beginning and then kind of back off later... so we've already gotten caught up in the initial impression and then when he backs off, it's like, "Wha happened?"

I'm thinking if we can better manage the early stages of the relationship, maybe we can make sure that a foundation is built instead of smoke and mirrors. I know that I'm trying to limit the length of phone conversations that I have and I'm a lot more attentive on dates in actually listening to what the guy has to say... sometimes they give themselves away EASILY!!!

The usuals about dating other people and keeping busy always work as well, simply because you won't have time to dwell on that one guy all the time... and if he really wants to be with you, he'll prove it through his persistence. I'm not saying to unnecessarily string him along, but just let him continually show his level of interest!

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I am sorry I was on LHCF, but it was not as developed, and as sisterly as it is now... I wouldn't have dared to ask/post threads on certain topics, due to fear of ridicule...

I wish it were Like this then... erplexed