You Didn't Lose the Person You Thought You Lost‏

[tiara76]

I wonder if part of this is because men come on very strong in the beginning and then kind of back off later... so we've already gotten caught up in the initial impression and then when he backs off, it's like, "Wha happened?"

I'm thinking if we can better manage the early stages of the relationship, maybe we can make sure that a foundation is built instead of smoke and mirrors. I know that I'm trying to limit the length of phone conversations that I have and I'm a lot more attentive on dates in actually listening to what the guy has to say... sometimes they give themselves away EASILY!!!

The usuals about dating other people and keeping busy always work as well, simply because you won't have time to dwell on that one guy all the time... and if he really wants to be with you, he'll prove it through his persistence. I'm not saying to unnecessarily string him along, but just let him continually show his level of interest!

the desire for men to have sex is strong and they can easily put it on thick in the beginning..not to mention the natural charmers who know they can get in a chicks head.....just like hypnosis.....people are scared to get hypnotized because they feel like they will lose control of their own mind...the truth is that when one is aware and aware they are aware the only way they can be hypnotized is if they hypnotize themselves, even with with a hypnosist.....a good one will make this very clear...people get hypnotized daily by all sorts of sources, including people....when u are not aware and unconsciously operating and responding to what is "fed" to you, somebody can lead u all over the place and when u finally snap out of it, if u do you will have no clue what happened.....when u are aware, when u are intuitive , when u are listening.....u will know whats real and what isn't....

also when we stop dilluding ourselves, other people can't either

 

[AnjelLuvs]

^^^ I am really awaiting on that book.... ole vessel of wisdom... LMAO... j/k

 

[CurliDiva]

I definitely mourned the "potential" rather than the "real" man in this last relationship.

He was a bigger TALKER....but the backup was not there!

 

[esoterica]

I think a lot of women are simply blinded by hope that this guy could be the guy. Not realising that a man can put up a front for months, especially if he finds the challenge interesting, and still turn out to be that guy that never called back after he got what he wanted. Excellent article.

 

[Junebug D]

I need to get that book.

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

I feel fortunate that I figured this out before having to read any kind of article. It really does save you a lot of heartache. I was going out with a guy over the summer who I really liked. We had a similar situation where things were getting hot and heavy, and I wasn't trying to go far with someone who wasn't my boyfriend yet. So I made it clear that I was looking for a relationship right now. The guy in question disappeared for about a week, but he called. He was upfront and said, "We really aren't looking for the same thing. I think you're amazing, and if I was looking for a girlfriend, you'd be the kind of woman I want. But I know I don't want that right now, so I figured I would tell you because I don't want to waste your time." It was greatly appreciated.

Knowing this is not, I repeat, is NOT going to make the pain and disappointment go away when something doesn't work out. You're a robot if you don't feel anything at all when someone you really like isn't interested in you anymore. Instead, what happens is, after you work through your feelings, your self esteem remains in tact, and you don't beat yourself up wondering "what if" and wondering what you did "wrong."

 

[locabouthair]

^At least he was honest and told you. Of course, you'll still be hurt but not as much if he just stopped calling.

 

[LBoogie]

Good article and good message here... more thoughts on figuring out who's real and who's not, and how not to WASTE time, energy and emotions on Mr. Wrong!


You know what it's like to get devastated when a promising new relationship doesn't work out? Well, take heart - you didn't actually lose ANYTHING.

In fact, you gained the freedom to find the person you ARE meant to be with.

The VERY reason I give people when they ask about my ex (i.e., what I would say to him if I saw him) and I say I would thank him PROFUSELY!!!!

I have nothing but GRATITUDE for my ex, and the girl he impregnated while we were together. Now they have 4 kids between them and are stuggling like wild beast in the desert.

But seriously, had it not been for him finally leaving me, I wouldnt have met and married the most wonderful man I'd ever met. Especially since nothing but fear for my life kept me with his crazy self.

 

[Highly Favored8]

Originally Posted by Bunny77
Love that book!

The worst thing is having to heal from a "breakup" of a relationship that never existed in the first place.


How many of y'all can relate to that?

Ouch!! Ain't that the truth!

PREACH, PREACH ! Then did not even have sex nor kissed the DUDE!erplexed That really Hurts.

 

[alwayzalady22]

I feel fortunate that I figured this out before having to read any kind of article. It really does save you a lot of heartache. I was going out with a guy over the summer who I really liked. We had a similar situation where things were getting hot and heavy, and I wasn't trying to go far with someone who wasn't my boyfriend yet. So I made it clear that I was looking for a relationship right now. The guy in question disappeared for about a week, but he called. He was upfront and said, "We really aren't looking for the same thing. I think you're amazing, and if I was looking for a girlfriend, you'd be the kind of woman I want. But I know I don't want that right now, so I figured I would tell you because I don't want to waste your time." It was greatly appreciated.

Knowing this is not, I repeat, is NOT going to make the pain and disappointment go away when something doesn't work out. You're a robot if you don't feel anything at all when someone you really like isn't interested in you anymore. Instead, what happens is, after you work through your feelings, your self esteem remains in tact, and you don't beat yourself up wondering "what if" and wondering what you did "wrong."

i'm going through this right now, except dude says he doesn't want a gf, but his actions are completely contrary to that... i told him i didn't wanna talk to him anymore and he said he understood, but two days later he called me at 4 am, allegedly drunk, talkin about 'why haven't you called me today?' and then laid the 'well, you coulda called me when you were driving back and forth while you were running errands' nonsense on me like i'm his girl

he called me monday, i didn't answer and didn't call him back. he called me last night and i answered and he STILL fixed his mouth to ask me why i didn't call him back how can you say you don't want a gf and still get mad that i neither call you nor call you back?

i need to go get that book to give me strength to just STOP answering ANY of his calls at this point

 

[alwayzalady22]

The VERY reason I give people when they ask about my ex (i.e., what I would say to him if I saw him) and I say I would thank him PROFUSELY!!!!

I have nothing but GRATITUDE for my ex, and the girl he impregnated while we were together. Now they have 4 kids between them and are stuggling like wild beast in the desert.

But seriously, had it not been for him finally leaving me, I wouldnt have met and married the most wonderful man I'd ever met. Especially since nothing but fear for my life kept me with his crazy self.

never wild beasts in the desert!

did he marry this girl, btw? just curious!

 

[LBoogie]

never wild beasts in the desert!

did he marry this girl, btw? just curious!

lmao

Of course not, they're shacking up in the hood. He likes younger women that he can control (they get younger which each woman while he gets older. I'm 3 years younger than the ex-widfe and the new baby mama is 5 years younger than me, SMH), and she is IT. I still talk to his mama, she told me once when she called amidst her complaining about me not calling her "dont you ever associate me with his foolishness, you better call me and come see me!" LOL

She gives me the scoop everytime we talk (which she gets from his two kids and his ex-wife). I just SMH, I feel sorry for all the kids involved in the situation but thats about it.

 

[cocoaluv]

The VERY reason I give people when they ask about my ex (i.e., what I would say to him if I saw him) and I say I would thank him PROFUSELY!!!!

I have nothing but GRATITUDE for my ex, and the girl he impregnated while we were together. Now they have 4 kids between them and are stuggling like wild beast in the desert.

But seriously, had it not been for him finally leaving me, I wouldnt have met and married the most wonderful man I'd ever met. Especially since nothing but fear for my life kept me with his crazy self.

OMG I had to catch my breath after readint that statement. FUNNY!!!! I have an ex in a similar situation. Left me for some other girl and got her prego and now they cant even afford a box of pizza and got 4 mouths to feed. Lord saved me from that

 

[Bunny77]

i'm going through this right now, except dude says he doesn't want a gf, but his actions are completely contrary to that... i told him i didn't wanna talk to him anymore and he said he understood, but two days later he called me at 4 am, allegedly drunk, talkin about 'why haven't you called me today?' and then laid the 'well, you coulda called me when you were driving back and forth while you were running errands' nonsense on me like i'm his girl

he called me monday, i didn't answer and didn't call him back. he called me last night and i answered and he STILL fixed his mouth to ask me why i didn't call him back how can you say you don't want a gf and still get mad that i neither call you nor call you back?

i need to go get that book to give me strength to just STOP answering ANY of his calls at this point

The thing is, they want the benefits of having a girlfriend (and I'm not speaking only of intimacy... but just knowing that you have a woman who will be a consistent presence in your life and who will do things for you, etc., etc.)... but they know that if they commit to a RELATIONSHIP, then they have to act like a boyfriend. And that's the whole reason why they say they don't want a girlfriend...

So forget how he's acting... of course he's acting like he wants a girlfriend... what man wouldn't want the benefits of a good girlfriend?

The bigger question to anyone in this situation is, why doesn't HE want to be a boyfriend?

 

[Jerzeegirlinfla]

Needed this.

I was having doubts about this guy who seemed so into me in the beginning and then recently started to fade. He said he was still interested but just busy with work. Now even though I know he works until 1 am sometimes it was such bull because he had time to go out drinking twice in one week. Plus he use to call me everyday on the drive home no matter what time. I kind of made it clear to him that he obviously wasnt interested anymore which is fine. So he tells me he does like me but he just doesnt think he can commit right now due to how much he works. He doesnt want to mess anything up. I never even asked for a committment just for his words to match his actions.

I admit it hurts a little but i think like you all mentioned i was more into his potential than the actual person. I saw what could be and not what was. I did listen to my intuitoin though and called him out on stuff which im proud of. I'm especially proud I never gave him any!

BTW he told me this yesterday on Christmas Eve morning and Ive received one text since saying Merry Christmas and right before any of this he told me he would miss me (he went back home for the holidays)

 

[MissJ]

Thanks, Bunny. This came right on time for me!

 

[MissJ]

I am sorry I was on LHCF, but it was not as developed, and as sisterly as it is now... I wouldn't have dared to ask/post threads on certain topics, due to fear of ridicule...

I wish it were Like this then... erplexed

It was like this then. I learned a whole lot about men between the years of 2003 and 2004 on here. I also posted my specific relationship drama on here, so the feedback was geared specifically toward me. If you reached out, somebody was be there to help.

 

[MissJ]

I feel fortunate that I figured this out before having to read any kind of article. It really does save you a lot of heartache. I was going out with a guy over the summer who I really liked. We had a similar situation where things were getting hot and heavy, and I wasn't trying to go far with someone who wasn't my boyfriend yet. So I made it clear that I was looking for a relationship right now. The guy in question disappeared for about a week, but he called. He was upfront and said, "We really aren't looking for the same thing. I think you're amazing, and if I was looking for a girlfriend, you'd be the kind of woman I want. But I know I don't want that right now, so I figured I would tell you because I don't want to waste your time." It was greatly appreciated.

Knowing this is not, I repeat, is NOT going to make the pain and disappointment go away when something doesn't work out. You're a robot if you don't feel anything at all when someone you really like isn't interested in you anymore. Instead, what happens is, after you work through your feelings, your self esteem remains in tact, and you don't beat yourself up wondering "what if" and wondering what you did "wrong."

Something similar happened to me last week. The guy said that things were heading toward a relationship and that he didn't want a relationship right now. He said that we'd become really close in the past few weeks, and he didn't know it would happen like that. (me either) He said he's not a player, but he wants to tell me that I'm not the only person he's been talking to because he really cares about me. He said that he didn't want to be the one to hurt me. He said that he's an A-hole and for me not to put much stock into him. I was pissed, because I was starting to get attached. In reality, he probably did me a favor.

It was some loss, too, because I really enjoyed spending time with him. I even had this guy doing arts & crafts with me. He was surprised that he enjoyed it.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I guess I just wasnt as comfy as now... erplexed...

It was like this then. I learned a whole lot about men between the years of 2003 and 2004 on here. I also posted my specific relationship drama on here, so the feedback was geared specifically toward me. If you reached out, somebody was be there to help.

 

[blue_flower]

Good advice!

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

I know one thing. I got rid of all the dudes who came to me a bout sex. I was kinda sad about it, because I don't have any men to talk to anymore ...But then I realized I never lost anything at all...because I was talking to them for the wroooong reasons.

All the guys I was talking to, were typical dogs. You know the guy. He wants to see you all the time for an initial meet up. You don't. He continues to try to persuade you to go out on a date. You decline. She shows you a pic of his lil bitty hairy pikachu and ask you have you changed your mind....:yuck:

Why the heck do I attract so many dudes like this. I think it's because I approached every single one of them...and didn't allow them to approach me.

 

[caribeandiva]

Love that book!



Hurry up and read! It might save ya from yourself!


As I read this article, I thought of what might have happened if she did sleep with this guy. He probably would have stuck around for a little bit, but then this probably would have happened.

Ole' girl probably would start to notice that things weren't going anywhere. She'd still be going out, talking sometimes and sexing ole' boy, but this "relationship" she wants was still not being discussed. So then she'd start to ask him about that. He'd say, "He's not ready." She'd start stressing, asking friends for advice, start doing more to show him he's the one, which would make him back away more... and suddenly, what could have been cut off a LONG time ago becomes an ordeal lasting months (or years in some cases) and turns into an emotionally draining situation that will further delay finding the right one.

The worst thing is having to heal from a "breakup" of a relationship that never existed in the first place.


How many of y'all can relate to that?

Bravo on this whole post!! I highly recommend those books. Having to heal from the "breakup" of a relationship that never existed in the first place is what led me to them. I'm thankful I went through that whole ordeal because of the lessons I learned afterwards.

 

[caribeandiva]

Try reading both books "Why men love b....." and Why men marry b....." Her second book is really the end to all for me. I love love love it!! If you're short on cash, just get the "Why men marry b......" - this book jumps straight to the point. Or better yet, get this book from your public library. I did.

If all women were on the same b.... accord, men would have to do the chasing. However, since some women make it easy for men, they just juggle the nice girls around.

Ladies get this book!!! I don't believe you will regret it.

I got both books from my public library too. hey you do what you gotta do.

 

[Bunny77]

Bumping for Phynestone!

 

[phynestone]

I just went out and bought Why men love b*tches and Why men marry b*tches. I am just too nice in relationships. I was raised to believe that if I was a good girl and I would get a good husband. Well, being a good girl has gotten me nothing but CRAP!

 

[Ms Red]

Bunny77, thanks for posting this. Great article, I needed to read this today.