You are NOT a princess.

[strands.of.gold]

You Are Not a Princess! 25 Points for Women and Men to Consider
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
By Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

I’ve been writing my own blog, A Shrink for Men, for almost a year now. In that time, I’ve noticed many double standards and gender inequities that seem to be culturally acceptable in relationships. Here are some of my observations for women to consider in terms of their own behavior and for men to consider in terms of their own enlightenment when it comes to women and relationships. [*Please note: The following points don't apply to all women.]

Hey ladies, and you know who you are:

1. You are not a princess. You do not deserve to be treated like royalty just by virtue of your sex. You deserve to be treated no better or worse than you treat others.

2. You are not any more “special” nor any more “entitled” than anyone else. You don’t deserve special privileges and nobody “owes” you anything by virtue of who you are or because of your gender.

3. You are just as “lucky” to have found your husband/boyfriend as he was to find you. Have you ever considered that there are times when you are lucky that he puts up with and tolerates you?

4. Men have feelings, too. They hurt just as much as you do when you criticize, reject, dismiss, ignore, make fun of, disrespect, invalidate and/or mock them. In fact, they may hurt more because they don’t have as many emotional outlets as you—especially if you tell him his feelings “don’t count” or to “be a man” when he expresses his feelings that you mistakenly claim he doesn’t have and/or is “wrong” for having. He has feelings and he has a right to them even when they’re not the same as yours and/or are expressed differently than you express yours.

5. If it’s okay for you to have male friends and maintain friendships with your exes, it’s also okay for your husband/boyfriend to have female friends and maintain friendships with his exes. It is not different for you because “you’re a woman.” It’s faulty logic to suppose women are inherently more trustworthy than men. This is called a double standard and it’s not okay. Otherwise, the culturally acceptable pronouncement, “Men are all dogs” should be met with “Women are all *****es” (i.e., female dogs) and should be equally culturally acceptable. For the record. I think both statements are unacceptable.

6. A father is just as important in a child’s life as a mother. Period. Just because you have a uterus doesn’t make you the better parent by default.

7. Children are not “hers” and “his” objects. The correct possessive pronoun is “ours.”

8. Your husband/boyfriend does not “owe” you. He shouldn’t be expected to financially support you and shower you with gifts unless you’re willing to reciprocate and equally support him without question or complaint. You’re neither his child nor his dependent. You’re supposed to be his equal partner.

9. Your husband’s/boyfriend’s desires, needs, wishes, feelings, likes and dislikes are just as important as yours. It’s not all about you all the time. You’re supposedly in a mutual and reciprocal relationship; not a service industry/client-vendor relationship.

10. If you’re not willing to make changes in yourself and your behavior, you’ve no right to demand that your husband/boyfriend do so. Nor is it reasonable to demand or expect your husband/boyfriend to make all the changes you want first before you’re willing to do your own work.

11. You are not a better human being by virtue of being a woman. You’re not a goddess. You’re not a sacred cow. You don’t “rule.” You’re a person, just like your husband/boyfriend is a person. You both deserve to be treated with equal dignity and respect when you act and treat each other with dignity and respect.

12. It’s a lie and a manipulation to say you “sacrificed” your career when you never really wanted to work in the first place. If you see your husband/boyfriend as your ticket to freedom from being a wage slave, be honest with yourself and your husband/boyfriend and most important of all, BE GRATEFUL. Having another person pay your way through life is not an inalienable right; it’s an enormous gift for which you should express gratitude on a regular basis. You might also want to consider the burden by placing on your husband/boyfriend by not carrying your own weight.

13. It is wrong to use your child(ren) to hurt, control or extort money from your husband/boyfriend/ex. In fact, it borders on child abuse. Children are not pawns or human shields to be used for your own selfish reasons. They’re people who will later grow to resent you for using them in this fashion and will likely develop psychological problems of their own as a result.

14. It is wrong to expect or demand that your ex continue to financially support you after the relationship ends. The children are entitled to support until they become adults at the age of 18. You’re already an adult and, as such, you’re capable of and should legally be expected to take care of yourself— unless you’re willing to continue to support your ex by doing his grocery shopping, cooking cleaning, errands, etc. If your obligations to your husband are finished after a divorce, so should be his obligations to you.

15. Your husband/boyfriend is not responsible for your happiness. It isn’t his job to make you happy; that’s your job. Just as he is responsible for his own happiness. He’s supposed to be your equal partner, not your emotional wet nurse.

16. The desire for sex in a committed, loving relationship is healthy and natural. Using sex to control, shame or hurt your husband/boyfriend by withholding affection or making sex transactional is unhealthy and wrong.

17. Your husband/boyfriend should be more important to you than your child(ren) just as you should be more important to your husband than the child(ren). In other words, you should be each others’ first priorities; children second. You don’t need a husband if your sole desire is to have children—unless you see the man as a source of income for yourself and the children. If you can’t support yourself, you probably shouldn’t be having children. Marriage is a bond between two grown adults; not a bond between parent and child (Marc Rudov, 2008). You vow to honor your spouse and put him or her before all others, this includes your children. Children eventually fly the coop. If you make them the focus and raison d’être of your marriage, don’t be surprised when you no longer have much of a marriage as the years pass.

18. You are only entitled to what you earn or produce. Men are neither beasts of burden nor “working boys” to be pimped out in the service of their partners or ex-partners. No one owes you a living. As an adult, you’re not entitled to be taken care of by another party unless you have documented cognitive or physical disabilities that prohibit you from working. Last time I checked, being a wife, ex-wife, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, mistress, ex-mistress, mother and/or simply a woman wasn’t considered a disability.

19. It is just as ABUSIVE when a woman slaps, kicks, hits, spits, at, scratches, shoves, pushes, punches, pulls hair, uses a weapon, swings a golf club at or throws objects at a man. It isn’t funny, cute, justifiable or deserved. It is indefensible, inexcusable, criminal and just as prosecutable as when a man acts violently toward a woman. Period.

20. The same goes for emotional abuse. It is unacceptable.

21. It is neither “normal” nor “acceptable” adult female behavior to throw temper tantrums, withhold sex, cry, rage, pout, have disproportionate reactions to events or be unable to control emotions and behaviors. At the very least, these are signs of emotional lability and poor impulse control; at worst, these are indicators of serious pathology and quite possibly some kind of personality disorder.

22. It is not okay to divert money from your joint checking/savings account(s) or open credit cards in your husband’s/boyfriend’s name without his knowledge and explicit permission. The first instance is stealing and the second is considered identity theft and fraud. Signing your husband’s/boyfriend’s signature to financial and legal documents is forgery. All of these actions are illegal.

23. It is irresponsible to live beyond your means and abusive to expect your husband/boyfriend to foot the bill or go into debt to cover your expenses. If you can’t responsibly use a credit/debit card then, much like a child, you shouldn’t have one.

24. It is never acceptable or permissible to threaten to deny your husband/boyfriend/ex access to the children you share. It is not okay to make up abuse allegations because you’re feeling angry, hurt or out of control. This is an act of slander (spoken) or libel (written) and if you swear to it in court, it’s also an act of perjury.

25. It is not fair to commit to or marry a man and then try to change him. If you don’t accept him as he is, just like you expect him to accept you and your faults, then you have no business being with him. Everyone has a right to feel accepted for who he or she is in a relationship. If he’s “not good enough” for you from the get go; keep looking and cut him loose so he can be with a woman who appreciates him.

All of these observations seem self-evident to me, which leads me to ponder, how did we get here?

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

any thoughts?

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

You Are Not a Princess! 25 Points for Women and Men to Consider
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
By Dr. Tara J. Palmatier

I’ve been writing my own blog, A Shrink for Men, for almost a year now. In that time, I’ve noticed many double standards and gender inequities that seem to be culturally acceptable in relationships. Here are some of my observations for women to consider in terms of their own behavior and for men to consider in terms of their own enlightenment when it comes to women and relationships. [*Please note: The following points don't apply to all women.]

Hey ladies, and you know who you are:

1. You are not a princess. You do not deserve to be treated like royalty just by virtue of your sex. You deserve to be treated no better or worse than you treat others.

2. You are not any more “special” nor any more “entitled” than anyone else. You don’t deserve special privileges and nobody “owes” you anything by virtue of who you are or because of your gender.
3. You are just as “lucky” to have found your husband/boyfriend as he was to find you. Have you ever considered that there are times when you are lucky that he puts up with and tolerates you?

4. Men have feelings, too. They hurt just as much as you do when you criticize, reject, dismiss, ignore, make fun of, disrespect, invalidate and/or mock them. In fact, they may hurt more because they don’t have as many emotional outlets as you—especially if you tell him his feelings “don’t count” or to “be a man” when he expresses his feelings that you mistakenly claim he doesn’t have and/or is “wrong” for having. He has feelings and he has a right to them even when they’re not the same as yours and/or are expressed differently than you express yours.

5. If it’s okay for you to have male friends and maintain friendships with your exes, it’s also okay for your husband/boyfriend to have female friends and maintain friendships with his exes. It is not different for you because “you’re a woman.” It’s faulty logic to suppose women are inherently more trustworthy than men. This is called a double standard and it’s not okay. Otherwise, the culturally acceptable pronouncement, “Men are all dogs” should be met with “Women are all *****es” (i.e., female dogs) and should be equally culturally acceptable. For the record. I think both statements are unacceptable.

6. A father is just as important in a child’s life as a mother. Period. Just because you have a uterus doesn’t make you the better parent by default.

7. Children are not “hers” and “his” objects. The correct possessive pronoun is “ours.”

8. Your husband/boyfriend does not “owe” you. He shouldn’t be expected to financially support you and shower you with gifts unless you’re willing to reciprocate and equally support him without question or complaint. You’re neither his child nor his dependent. You’re supposed to be his equal partner.

9. Your husband’s/boyfriend’s desires, needs, wishes, feelings, likes and dislikes are just as important as yours. It’s not all about you all the time. You’re supposedly in a mutual and reciprocal relationship; not a service industry/client-vendor relationship.

10. If you’re not willing to make changes in yourself and your behavior, you’ve no right to demand that your husband/boyfriend do so. Nor is it reasonable to demand or expect your husband/boyfriend to make all the changes you want first before you’re willing to do your own work.

11. You are not a better human being by virtue of being a woman. You’re not a goddess. You’re not a sacred cow. You don’t “rule.” You’re a person, just like your husband/boyfriend is a person. You both deserve to be treated with equal dignity and respect when you act and treat each other with dignity and respect.

12. It’s a lie and a manipulation to say you “sacrificed” your career when you never really wanted to work in the first place. If you see your husband/boyfriend as your ticket to freedom from being a wage slave, be honest with yourself and your husband/boyfriend and most important of all, BE GRATEFUL. Having another person pay your way through life is not an inalienable right; it’s an enormous gift for which you should express gratitude on a regular basis. You might also want to consider the burden by placing on your husband/boyfriend by not carrying your own weight.

13. It is wrong to use your child(ren) to hurt, control or extort money from your husband/boyfriend/ex. In fact, it borders on child abuse. Children are not pawns or human shields to be used for your own selfish reasons. They’re people who will later grow to resent you for using them in this fashion and will likely develop psychological problems of their own as a result.

14. It is wrong to expect or demand that your ex continue to financially support you after the relationship ends. The children are entitled to support until they become adults at the age of 18. You’re already an adult and, as such, you’re capable of and should legally be expected to take care of yourself— unless you’re willing to continue to support your ex by doing his grocery shopping, cooking cleaning, errands, etc. If your obligations to your husband are finished after a divorce, so should be his obligations to you.

15. Your husband/boyfriend is not responsible for your happiness. It isn’t his job to make you happy; that’s your job. Just as he is responsible for his own happiness. He’s supposed to be your equal partner, not your emotional wet nurse.

16. The desire for sex in a committed, loving relationship is healthy and natural. Using sex to control, shame or hurt your husband/boyfriend by withholding affection or making sex transactional is unhealthy and wrong.

17. Your husband/boyfriend should be more important to you than your child(ren) just as you should be more important to your husband than the child(ren). In other words, you should be each others’ first priorities; children second. You don’t need a husband if your sole desire is to have children—unless you see the man as a source of income for yourself and the children. If you can’t support yourself, you probably shouldn’t be having children. Marriage is a bond between two grown adults; not a bond between parent and child (Marc Rudov, 2008). You vow to honor your spouse and put him or her before all others, this includes your children. Children eventually fly the coop. If you make them the focus and raison d’être of your marriage, don’t be surprised when you no longer have much of a marriage as the years pass.

18. You are only entitled to what you earn or produce. Men are neither beasts of burden nor “working boys” to be pimped out in the service of their partners or ex-partners. No one owes you a living. As an adult, you’re not entitled to be taken care of by another party unless you have documented cognitive or physical disabilities that prohibit you from working. Last time I checked, being a wife, ex-wife, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, mistress, ex-mistress, mother and/or simply a woman wasn’t considered a disability.

19. It is just as ABUSIVE when a woman slaps, kicks, hits, spits, at, scratches, shoves, pushes, punches, pulls hair, uses a weapon, swings a golf club at or throws objects at a man. It isn’t funny, cute, justifiable or deserved. It is indefensible, inexcusable, criminal and just as prosecutable as when a man acts violently toward a woman. Period.

20. The same goes for emotional abuse. It is unacceptable.

21. It is neither “normal” nor “acceptable” adult female behavior to throw temper tantrums, withhold sex, cry, rage, pout, have disproportionate reactions to events or be unable to control emotions and behaviors. At the very least, these are signs of emotional lability and poor impulse control; at worst, these are indicators of serious pathology and quite possibly some kind of personality disorder.22. It is not okay to divert money from your joint checking/savings account(s) or open credit cards in your husband’s/boyfriend’s name without his knowledge and explicit permission. The first instance is stealing and the second is considered identity theft and fraud. Signing your husband’s/boyfriend’s signature to financial and legal documents is forgery. All of these actions are illegal.

23. It is irresponsible to live beyond your means and abusive to expect your husband/boyfriend to foot the bill or go into debt to cover your expenses. If you can’t responsibly use a credit/debit card then, much like a child, you shouldn’t have one.

24. It is never acceptable or permissible to threaten to deny your husband/boyfriend/ex access to the children you share. It is not okay to make up abuse allegations because you’re feeling angry, hurt or out of control. This is an act of slander (spoken) or libel (written) and if you swear to it in court, it’s also an act of perjury.

25. It is not fair to commit to or marry a man and then try to change him. If you don’t accept him as he is, just like you expect him to accept you and your faults, then you have no business being with him. Everyone has a right to feel accepted for who he or she is in a relationship. If he’s “not good enough” for you from the get go; keep looking and cut him loose so he can be with a woman who appreciates him.

All of these observations seem self-evident to me, which leads me to ponder, how did we get here?

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

I STRONGLY agree with the bolded

 

[JustKiya]

I agree with everything on that list - even the comments re: alimony.....

 

[strands.of.gold]

I agree with the bolded

So everything else is wrong? Do you honestly go along with some of the things on that list? Not to sound offesive at all, I just wanna make sure I get your POV.

 

[ladysaraii]

I dont think I disagreed with a thing on there.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

No, IMO, all of them are right.
But, the bolded I feel strongly about.

I get along with almost all of them except for the one where it says you shouldn't keep your kids from their father.
there ARE times when it is beneficial for a mother to protect her children by keeping them away from their father.

Other than that, I agree.

ETA: You have a lot of women who believe that they are above working and/or being treated as an equal and believe they should be treated better.
We shall see how this will pan out.

 

[JustKiya]

No, IMO, all of them are right.
But, the bolded I feel strongly about.

I get along with almost all of them except for the one where it says you shouldn't keep your kids from their father.
there ARE times when it is beneficial for a mother to protect her children by keeping them away from their father.

Other than that, I agree.

Oh, 100% agree. But, I assumed that she wasn't talking about cases where it was for the childrens safety that they were being kept from their father - otherwise she wouldn't have added the stuff about libel & perjury.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Oh, 100% agree. But, I assumed that she wasn't talking about cases where it was for the childrens safety that they were being kept from their father - otherwise she wouldn't have added the stuff about libel & perjury.

Oh, okay.
Here goes the social worker getting all anal (joke about myself)

Please don't stone me but...
Anyway, I also don't agree with putting a BOYFRIEND over a child.
Just doesn't reason with me.
I also side-eye a woman who puts her husband (who is not her children's father) over her kids.
Nothing screams 'I'm desperate for a man' than a woman who will neglect her children's needs for those of her man's (BF)

 

[MD_Lady]

I like it but then again, I don't exactly have the most "traditional" approach to relationships.

 

[Poohbear]

I'm with JustKiya...I agree with every point made in that article (except for the boyfriend being more important than the child. Now if he was a husband, yes, he would be more important than the child).

 

[Ramya]

Some are spot on and others are questionable. I can't say that I agree with the list in its entirety. I noticed a lot of it had to do with finances and could have been cut down if the author changed the wording. It was kind of redundant. Also how a couple dating or married chooses to deal with their finances is their own business.

 

[JustKiya]

Oh, okay.
Here goes the social worker getting all anal

Please don't stone me but...
Anyway, I also don't agree with putting a BOYFRIEND over a child.
Just doesn't reason with me.
I also side-eye a woman who puts her husband (who is not her children's father) over her kids.

Oh, hecky nawh!!!! She only stuck BF in there once - afterwards she stuck with husband only - I actually missed that.

Yeah, if you haven't married me (thus making each other blood) you don't rank higher than blood.

I don't know about the stepfather thing - it really depends on the marriage and the children's age - but I think we agree in that no matter what, you don't 'abandon' your children for a man. *sigh*

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Hmm....my first thought: Sounds like the ramblings of a bitter and cynical old man. Humph!

But in all honesty though, he did make some valid points...I think SOME women out here DO feel like they're "entitled" and act in a certain way that makes you want to shake your head.

But I think he probably would catch more flies w/honey instead of vinegar. His tone seemed very harsh and almost berating. It sounds like he's been hurt before.

 

[JustKiya]

Hmm....my first thought: Sounds like the ramblings of a bitter and cynical old man. Humph!

But in all honesty though, he did make some valid points...I think SOME women out here DO feel like they're "entitled" and act in a certain way that makes you want to shake your head.

But I think he probably would catch more flies w/honey instead of vinegar. His tone seemed very harsh and almost berating. It sounds like he's been hurt before.

Uh, "Tara" is usually a woman's name, isn't it?

 

[Seraphina]

I agree with everything except I only half agree with the alimony part. I would not expect to be financially supported by my ex-husband indefinetly, but if we had made a joint decision that I would stay home (especially if he was the one who encouraged me to do so), I do think he should be responsible for helping with the financial transition. She contributed to the household and I don't find it fair for a woman in that situation to be expected to suddenly start paying for living expenses when her job was unpaid at home for so long. Plus, if she was out of the workforce for a while, it could take her a while to find a job.

 

[JustKiya]

I agree with everything except I only half agree with the alimony part. I would not expect to be financially supported by my ex-husband indefinetly, but if we had made a joint decision that I would stay home (especially if he was the one who encouraged me to do so), I do think he should be responsible for helping with the financial transition. She contributed to the household and I don't find it fair for a woman in that situation to be expected to suddenly start paying for living expenses when her job was unpaid at home for so long. Plus, if she was out of the workforce for a while, it could take her a while to find a job.

And to me, that's the difference. If there was a joint decision made at the point of the woman leaving the workforce that a disruption to the marriage would incur a financial burden on his part, I'm cool.
But to be cool with not working, and then when the divorce comes demand alimony to keep yourself in the 'standards' you had grown accustomed to? That, even as a woman, I canna agree with.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

Oh, hecky nawh!!!! She only stuck BF in there once - afterwards she stuck with husband only - I actually missed that.

Yeah, if you haven't married me (thus making each other blood) you don't rank higher than blood.

I don't know about the stepfather thing - it really depends on the marriage and the children's age - but I think we agree in that no matter what, you don't 'abandon' your children for a man. *sigh*

See..
I feel under NO circumstances should a woman put her man (esp a BF or SD) over her kids.
Yes, you create da bond between your husband and yourself,
BUT, those children are flesh of your flesh.
They are yours=they are YOU.
You have to love (and show love) for you and yours before you show love to anyone else, this include hubby as he is a just a mere human.

 

[Kurlee]

agreed with everything except the part about the husband/wife being priorities over children

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

And to me, that's the difference. If there was a joint decision made at the point of the woman leaving the workforce that a disruption to the marriage would incur a financial burden on his part, I'm cool.
But to be cool with not working, and then when the divorce comes demand alimony to keep yourself in the 'standards' you had grown accustomed to? That, even as a woman, I canna agree with.

I know of not ONE man who agrees to on his own account pay alimony.

 

[Seraphina]

I know of not ONE man who agrees to on his own account pay alimony.

My uncle does. But not because he wants to. It was a combination of getting her out of his life and the fact that she became mentally/emotionally unstable and he wanted her to be safe.

 

[JustKiya]

See..
I feel under NO circumstances should a woman put her man (esp a BF or SD) over her kids.
Yes, you create da bond between your husband and yourself,
BUT, those children are flesh of your flesh.
They are yours=they are YOU.
You have to love (and show love) for you and yours before you show love to anyone else, this include hubby as he is a just a mere human.

agreed with everything except the part about the husband/wife being priorities over children

But see - I do understand where she is coming from. Children are only in the house for a few fleeting years - and if you 'ignore' your relationship - or don't consciously prioritize it - it WILL be neglected. Quite simply, children require more care and attention than adults do, and it's easy to slip into a state of focusing mainly on the children - and each other only gets whatever energy/attention is left over. Once those children are gone - it's harder to get back into the vibe of strengthening/reaffirming your relationship with each other, ya know?

I don't think that's healthy in a marriage, at all. So - I think that your hubby should be your top priority - but your childrens needs - simply because of the time and maturity and patience factor involved - usually will come first.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I am highly suspicious of the intent of whoever wrote this because it sounds like some of the "women ain't ish" propaganda that I've seen on youtube.

There is such a tone of "don't go thinking too highly of yourself" about almost each of the points that it's hard for me to co-sign much of what is written.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

But see - I do understand where she is coming from. Children are only in the house for a few fleeting years - and if you 'ignore' your relationship - or don't consciously prioritize it - it WILL be neglected. Quite simply, children require more care and attention than adults do, and it's easy to slip into a state of focusing mainly on the children - and each other only gets whatever energy/attention is left over. Once those children are gone - it's harder to get back into the vibe of strengthening/reaffirming your relationship with each other, ya know?

I don't think that's healthy in a marriage, at all. So - I think that your hubby should be your top priority - but your childrens needs - simply because of the time and maturity and patience factor involved - usually will come first.

I totally understand your perspective.
Very nicely stated.

I guess I will disagree because it makes it appear as though children asked to be here.
Mostly (even with 'accidental' pregnancies) children are planned.
This means being able to asses if your marriage/rel can withstand them
Yes, your marriage should be a priority (note emphasis on marriage, not rel)
But, your children should be too.
No one should take precedence OVER the other.
I can't think of ONE instance where a spouse should be prioritized over children.
I'm going blank here.

Care you help me out?

 

[BlackMarilyn]

but i like being a princess

:reddancer::hippie4:


j/k

 

[Zaynab]

any thoughts?

I take these:

You are just as “lucky” to have found your husband/boyfriend as he was to find you. Have you ever considered that there are times when you are lucky that he puts up with and tolerates you?

4. Men have feelings, too. They hurt just as much as you do when you criticize, reject, dismiss, ignore, make fun of, disrespect, invalidate and/or mock them. In fact, they may hurt more because they don’t have as many emotional outlets as you—especially if you tell him his feelings “don’t count” or to “be a man” when he expresses his feelings that you mistakenly claim he doesn’t have and/or is “wrong” for having. He has feelings and he has a right to them even when they’re not the same as yours and/or are expressed differently than you express yours.

5. If it’s okay for you to have male friends and maintain friendships with your exes, it’s also okay for your husband/boyfriend to have female friends and maintain friendships with his exes. It is not different for you because “you’re a woman.” It’s faulty logic to suppose women are inherently more trustworthy than men. This is called a double standard and it’s not okay. Otherwise, the culturally acceptable pronouncement, “Men are all dogs” should be met with “Women are all *****es” (i.e., female dogs) and should be equally culturally acceptable. For the record. I think both statements are unacceptable.

6. A father is just as important in a child’s life as a mother. Period. Just because you have a uterus doesn’t make you the better parent by default.

7. Children are not “hers” and “his” objects. The correct possessive pronoun is “ours.”

8. Your husband/boyfriend does not “owe” you. He shouldn’t be expected to financially support you and shower you with gifts unless you’re willing to reciprocate and equally support him without question or complaint. You’re neither his child nor his dependent. You’re supposed to be his equal partner.

9. Your husband’s/boyfriend’s desires, needs, wishes, feelings, likes and dislikes are just as important as yours. It’s not all about you all the time. You’re supposedly in a mutual and reciprocal relationship; not a service industry/client-vendor relationship.

10. If you’re not willing to make changes in yourself and your behavior, you’ve no right to demand that your husband/boyfriend do so. Nor is it reasonable to demand or expect your husband/boyfriend to make all the changes you want first before you’re willing to do your own work.

13. It is wrong to use your child(ren) to hurt, control or extort money from your husband/boyfriend/ex. In fact, it borders on child abuse. Children are not pawns or human shields to be used for your own selfish reasons. They’re people who will later grow to resent you for using them in this fashion and will likely develop psychological problems of their own as a result.

V\15. Your husband/boyfriend is not responsible for your happiness. It isn’t his job to make you happy; that’s your job. Just as he is responsible for his own happiness. He’s supposed to be your equal partner, not your emotional wet nurse.

16. The desire for sex in a committed, loving relationship is healthy and natural. Using sex to control, shame or hurt your husband/boyfriend by withholding affection or making sex transactional is unhealthy and wrong.

17. Your husband/boyfriend should be more important to you than your child(ren) just as you should be more important to your husband than the child(ren). In other words, you should be each others’ first priorities; children second. You don’t need a husband if your sole desire is to have children—unless you see the man as a source of income for yourself and the children. If you can’t support yourself, you probably shouldn’t be having children. Marriage is a bond between two grown adults; not a bond between parent and child (Marc Rudov, 2008). You vow to honor your spouse and put him or her before all others, this includes your children. Children eventually fly the coop. If you make them the focus and raison d’être of your marriage, don’t be surprised when you no longer have much of a marriage as the years pass.

19. It is just as ABUSIVE when a woman slaps, kicks, hits, spits, at, scratches, shoves, pushes, punches, pulls hair, uses a weapon, swings a golf club at or throws objects at a man. It isn’t funny, cute, justifiable or deserved. It is indefensible, inexcusable, criminal and just as prosecutable as when a man acts violently toward a woman. Period.

20. The same goes for emotional abuse. It is unacceptable.

21. It is neither “normal” nor “acceptable” adult female behavior to throw temper tantrums, withhold sex, cry, rage, pout, have disproportionate reactions to events or be unable to control emotions and behaviors. At the very least, these are signs of emotional lability and poor impulse control; at worst, these are indicators of serious pathology and quite possibly some kind of personality disorder.


23. It is irresponsible to live beyond your means and abusive to expect your husband/boyfriend to foot the bill or go into debt to cover your expenses. If you can’t responsibly use a credit/debit card then, much like a child, you shouldn’t have one.

24. It is never acceptable or permissible to threaten to deny your husband/boyfriend/ex access to the children you share. It is not okay to make up abuse allegations because you’re feeling angry, hurt or out of control. This is an act of slander (spoken) or libel (written) and if you swear to it in court, it’s also an act of perjury.

25. It is not fair to commit to or marry a man and then try to change him. If you don’t accept him as he is, just like you expect him to accept you and your faults, then you have no business being with him. Everyone has a right to feel accepted for who he or she is in a relationship. If he’s “not good enough” for you from the get go; keep looking and cut him loose so he can be with a woman who appreciates him.


They can go to hell with #22 because I sign dh's name like it's mine and he has no problem with me doing so

 

[ChocalateDiva]

.............

 

[JustKiya]

I totally understand your perspective.
Very nicely stated.

I guess I will disagree because it makes it appear as though children asked to be here.
Mostly (even with 'accidental' pregnancies) children are planned.
This means being able to asses if your marriage/rel can withstand them
Yes, your marriage should be a priority (note emphasis on marriage, not rel)
But, your children should be too.
No one should take precedence OVER the other.
I can't think of ONE instance where a spouse should be prioritized over children.
I'm going blank here.

Care you help me out?

If it's between helping out at your child's school christmas party vs. going to your DH's work christmas party. DH should pull rank....... stuff like that is what I'm thinking of.

They can go to hell with #22 because I sign dh's name like it's mine and he has no problem with me doing so

And I think that's the critical difference - he's okay with it. I sign DH's name on a regular too - but it's not to do something semi-shady behind his back, like run-up a credit card bill like homegirl in BigLove.

 

[Zaynab]

agreed with everything except the part about the husband/wife being priorities over children

People misconstrue this line of thinking, it basically means to nurture the relationship of husband and wife ahead of your role as mother/parent. Women fall into this trap moreso that men obviously.

It was a lofty idea for me to grasp but one that I find is needed in a marriage. For Christians, it's actually biblically ordained in the bible. But for me, it makes perfect sense really, your marriage came before the children and for the children to be happy, mommy and daddy have to be happy. I find that women think this is the martyr mommy thing to do, give all to the children and put them above your spouse yet it's often in these relationshps that when the children are grown and leave the parents don't even know each other anymore

 

[panama_princess6]

I googled Dr. Tara J. Palmatier b/c I'm at work with nothing else to do... and a lot of her articles are basically woman bashing like "Is your Girlfriend or Wife a Professional Victim?", "The Real Reason your Wife Doesn’t Want to Work", "Betrayal Trauma: Do You Have Relationship PTSD from your Wife or Girlfriend?", and "Why Your Wife’s Excuses for Not Working Are Lame."

I'm not going to say I disagree with everything she says b/c most of it makes sense except for that kids part, b/c I will always make sure my son has what he needs before I make sure some man does. My son can't depend on himself at 6, thats what his parents are for. Some of those other articles made me like hmmm ... I can't say that I agree with those b/c a lot of these men arent victims either and they play this "victim" role very well too.

 

[anon123]

I didn't read it all closely, but I agree with the title. Is this the most narcissistic generation or what? And note, I'm not exempting myself.