Would you be upset if your SO NEVER bought you a gift?

[tash85]

And I'm not talking about birthdays, christmas or valentines.

I mean never bought you a bunch of flowers when you've had a hard month at work; a book that you've been raving about for 3 weeks but never made it to the shop to buy; hell, a candy necklace just to say 'i love you'.

Well this is how i'm feeling at the moment. I know I shouldn't be watching other peoples relationships, but I can't help but feel as though he feels i'm not worth buying things for.

We've been together for 4 years and I've never once had a spontaneous gift from him. I've even asked him out right if he ever planned to take me shopping one day, just to treat me. His response was a flat 'no, you're an independent woman and you can take yourself shopping'.

I used to buy him things when we were first dating but as time went on, and I started to realise my generosity was never going to be recipricated, I stopped.

Should I be annoyed/upset or should I just accept him for who he is and stop wishing for someting more?

 

[Duchesse]

We've been together for 4 years and I've never once had a spontaneous gift from him. I've even asked him out right if he ever planned to take me shopping one day, just to treat me. His response was a flat 'no, you're an independent woman and you can take yourself shopping'.

Should I be annoyed/upset or should I just accept him for who he is and stop wishing for someting more?

There was a thread about the different love languages that people have. Maybe yours is gift giving and his is something else? Is he physically affectionate? Does he enjoy spending time with you to do simple stuff like shopping or walking in the park? Maybe that stuff is more important to him than gift giving.

But I don't think you should just accept his non gift giving self, especially if he knows that it's important to you. After 4 years, you are not some gold digger, and he can at least take you shopping, or give you a pretty scarf or whatever.


ETA-This is the thread http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=371929&highlight=love+languages

 

[lexi08]

I'd feel some kind of way about the gift giving After 4 years, nah I would have re-evaluated my status with this man well before that.

 

[Amcd]

My DH is not the spontaneous giving type of man. He even forgot our very first valentine's day when we first started dating. Does it make me sad? Sometimes, but then I look at the bigger picture. My husband works very hard for our family. I've been able to be an at home mom (my dream) for the last 11 years to our 3 kids. He never asks how much money I spend, never makes me feel that it is his money and not ours.

He is not sentimental in a way that most women would love, but I know without a doubt that I am the most important person in his life, and in saying that I include our children in that equation. We go through our ups and downs as any married couple does, but with communication our relationship gets stronger and stronger. We've been married 17 years together for 22 and I'm still learning about the man!

Is he good to you in other ways? Does he support you and your dreams? While spontaneous gifts are one way to show affection, if he is good to you in other areas that are also important, don't let this drive a wedge between the two of you.

 

[dlewis]

I don't want a spontaneous gift from my husband because he a bad gift buyer. I tell him exactly what i want.

If you feel that way I would be rethinking alot of things.

I agree with Duchesse, people show love ain different ways.

One of my really good girlfriends has been married for over 30 years and her husband HAS NEVER spoken the words I love you. When I heard that I was erplexed but i've only known him to be a good, faithful and loving husband. Later i asked her about it and she said it doesn't bother her now. He shows her in every other way that he loves her.

 

[ScorpionQueen]

OP, have you told him directly that if he buys you things spontaneously, it's important to you? I think you should tell him that you appreciate little things like that..maybe he's never done this before but the fact that he's willing to try to do things to make you happy, speaks volumes to me..you should just be upfront with him..if he can't deal with it and it's important to you, then perhaps you need to reevaluate that relationship...

 

[Ladybelle]

I've gotten upset with my dh earlier much earlier in our relationship because of this very reason, but then I came to realize that he's just not that type of person. He will every now & then surprise me - only because he finally realized I love surprises, but I can ask him for anything I want and he makes it happen. He shows his love for me in other ways - his way & not my way. My way would be that romantic stuff we see on tv while his way is something totally different,

I guess you have to decide if he just doesn't show his love this way or if he is being selfish & inconsiderate - if it's the latter then maybe you can take a second look at things & really talk to him about it. otherwise, learn to accept the way he does offer his love.

 

[Ballerina_Bun]

No. If he didn't, someone else would!

 

[newbiemom]

Sure it can be bothersome but what is important is how he treats you all the time. Is he considerate, loving, generous when you express interest in somethinG?

 

[SilentRuby]

We've been together for 4 years and I've never once had a spontaneous gift from him. I've even asked him out right if he ever planned to take me shopping one day, just to treat me. His response was a flat 'no, you're an independent woman and you can take yourself shopping'.

..............................

 

[lux10023]

^^^^omgggggggg--no he didnt say that----

he fixed his mouth to say that to you------

speechless...bloodclot!!!!

 

[TayMac]

I would say it depends on how he is in other aspects of your relationship. Is THIS the only complaint or are their other issues.

My SO gets me flowers every so often and I make a big deal about it so that he knows it means alot to me.

Giving things is not the only way to show love and appreciation however I did not like his response to you.

Do you all still go on dates and does he pay?

 

[FlowerHair]

I think the way he replied was a little bit harsh, but only you know if you can live without little gifts every now and then.

My ex was not a big gift giver, but that made the few gifts he bought stand out so much more. I didn't mind, since that is not my "love language"...I value other things more.

 

[awhyley]

One of my really good girlfriends has been married for over 30 years and her husband HAS NEVER spoken the words I love you.

I couldn't take that

 

[MizAvalon]

I love gifts, so yes, I would be upset.

 

[tash85]

Thanks for all the responses guys, its really helped me get a few things straight in my head

Yes, I have spoken to him about this issue, quite recently in fact. I told him that it did make me a little upset to know that he never has the slightest intention to buy me a gift. He said he's 'just not that kind of person'. Fair enough, I understand that. There are a few things that I wouldnt consider doing for him either

The problem lies in that I only see him for a weekend once every 2/3 weeks. In that time I really do feel attention/affection starved and it really would be nice to have something to let me know that I'm still in his thoughts or that I'm important to him even when I'm not around.

We talk every day but sometimes, its still not enough. And for him to say what he said to me.. well it made me have second thoughts about the direction this relationship is moving in

 

[tash85]

I think the way he replied was a little bit harsh, but only you know if you can live without little gifts every now and then.

My ex was not a big gift giver, but that made the few gifts he bought stand out so much more. I didn't mind, since that is not my "love language"...I value other things more.

I know I'd feel the exact same way. I'm not ungrateful and I'd probably faint from shock if he did buy me something unexpectedly, the only problem is I don't really know how I would respond... as he's never done it!

 

[Ms Red]

Maybe your needs are changing/evolving/different that what this relationship can give you?

To answer... it would bother me. I like gifts big and small, so even a hot chocolate on a icy day would be thoughtful.

 

[tash85]

I would say it depends on how he is in other aspects of your relationship. Is THIS the only complaint or are their other issues.

My SO gets me flowers every so often and I make a big deal about it so that he knows it means alot to me.

Giving things is not the only way to show love and appreciation however I did not like his response to you.

Do you all still go on dates and does he pay?

In all other aspects he is a great boyfriend and the bestest best friend one could hope for. I just dont feel as though I'm a priority sometimes and I definately dont feel like he does as much for me/our relationship as he could.

our whole relationship consists of sparodic dates every 2/3 weeks when we travel to see each other. For the most part, we split 50/50.

I even remember testing him once and asked him if i needed to bring my bank card with me when we were on our way out the door to a restaurant. I expected him to say 'no, baby, I've got this', obviously he said 'yes'. Nuff said

 

[tash85]

OP, have you told him directly that if he buys you things spontaneously, it's important to you? I think you should tell him that you appreciate little things like that..maybe he's never done this before but the fact that he's willing to try to do things to make you happy, speaks volumes to me..you should just be upfront with him..if he can't deal with it and it's important to you, then perhaps you need to reevaluate that relationship...

Yes, I have mentioned this to him and his response was, understandably, that if I tell him I like it when he does certain things, the likelihood is that he will only do it because I've said so. Not because he wanted to do it.

I swear I cant win in this situation. Maybe I should just get myself a side piece shugga daddy and be done with it

 

[Crackers Phinn]

In what ways is he a good boyfriend?

 

[awhyley]

He said he's 'just not that kind of person'. Fair enough, I understand that. There are a few things that I wouldnt consider doing for him either.

Is he just cheap in general though? Because methinks that it sounds like ol boy got played before and doesn't want it to happen a second time. However, if this is the case, he needs to realize that you are not the problem; he is.

The problem lies in that I only see him for a weekend once every 2/3 weeks. In that time I really do feel attention/affection starved and it really would be nice to have something to let me know that I'm still in his thoughts or that I'm important to him even when I'm not around.

I understand, it's the proof that he thought about you and cared enough about you enough to open his wallet. My father doesn't buy us anything either; no trinkets, no nothing; and uses this same 'just not that kind of person' sh*t on us too, but I don't buy it. You have to decide whether or not it's a deal-breaker for you.

I even remember testing him once and asked him if i needed to bring my bank card with me when we were on our way out the door to a restaurant. I expected him to say 'no, baby, I've got this', obviously he said 'yes'. Nuff said

You shouldn't have asked, and just carried yourself and your empty pockets;
ETA: (but then again, he may have probably left you there to )

 

[GreenD]

In what ways is he a good boyfriend?

OT: I just wanted to say your latkes and apples sauce look yummy! You made those? I cheated and got the frozen ones. Happy Chanukkah!!

 

[Lovely_Day]

And I'm not talking about birthdays, christmas or valentines.

I mean never bought you a bunch of flowers when you've had a hard month at work; a book that you've been raving about for 3 weeks but never made it to the shop to buy; hell, a candy necklace just to say 'i love you'.

Well this is how i'm feeling at the moment. I know I shouldn't be watching other peoples relationships, but I can't help but feel as though he feels i'm not worth buying things for.

We've been together for 4 years and I've never once had a spontaneous gift from him. I've even asked him out right if he ever planned to take me shopping one day, just to treat me. His response was a flat 'no, you're an independent woman and you can take yourself shopping'.

I used to buy him things when we were first dating but as time went on, and I started to realise my generosity was never going to be recipricated, I stopped.

Should I be annoyed/upset or should I just accept him for who he is and stop wishing for someting more?

He sounds incredibly selfish . I don't know him personally, and I'm sure there are other ways you share your affection, but that statement seems so mean and cold to me, as if he's not buying you anything purposely. I AM a gift giver, especially when I see someone is having a hard time, I like to spoil my mate, nothing extravagant, but just to let them know that I care. If it means a lot to you (and it sounds like it does) that he doesn't express himself with lil pick me up gifts, you should talk to him about it. I know for me personally this would be a BIG deal, because I love to buy things for others, and receiving gifts.

 

[aribell]

Yes, I have mentioned this to him and his response was, understandably, that if I tell him I like it when he does certain things, the likelihood is that he will only do it because I've said so. Not because he wanted to do it.

I swear I cant win in this situation. Maybe I should just get myself a side piece shugga daddy and be done with it

Perhaps he could be reminded (sweetly of course) that if he knows that something is meaningful or important to you, that that would motivate a loving bf to make sure you have it. It should make him happy to make you happy...imo.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Honestly, I couldn't do it. I like a man to cater to at least some of my wants and one thing I do love is gifts. When I first started dating DH, he gave me gifts all the time. He's slowed down a bit because we have so many more responsibilities, but he still buys me something every now and then and I appreciate it.

 

[Bene]

I said no. I prefer he NOT buy me spontaneous gifts. He has terrible taste He gets me stuff, but he knows I'd rather have direct input on gifts. He'll say every so often "Why don't you get yourself a book?", or he'll ask me if I want him to get me up something. If we're out together and he sees me checking something out, he'll ask me if I want it.

 

[winterinatl]

My men will always pay. If he doesn't pay for dinner then someone is staying after to wash dishes.

Presents - I'd be upset. If he can't get me anything to me is a low class way of saying he doesn't give a ****.

Please, I had the brokest ninja of all time ALL TIME and that man never failed to acknowledge my birthday, holidays, valentines day, with gifts. He'd also surprise me every now and then with other tokens: a cd he picked up b/c he knew I liked Avant, an oil burner b/c he heard me talking about it. It wasn't expensive but I was happy he cared enough to think about me.

I don't think I could go in reverse from that....

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

I say no as well...because I rather have the money...and he knows it...lol...if I want flowers I go and get them, shoes, purses, and etc....I'm picky about stuff like that...I agree that there are different languages of love and this is either something you can live with or without

 

[Blkrose]

From your original posting I can understand why some say it depends on how that man expresses his love however if the two of you have spoken of each others past and his past consists of given past girlfriends gifts and/or wineing (spg?) and dining them and he hasnt done the same for you then I can understand your feeling of unworthiness. Especially since the gift giving you have done has not been reciprocated not only would you feel unworthy but a little used. However when you shared a little more about your relationship I can really see why you feel unworthy; for him to agree you should bring your wallet; for him not even to make an effort to please you in regards to gifting or showing any form of appreciation because obviously you dont expect much. Even after sharing your feelings with him its a problem also considering that you dont even spend that much time together. You really need to re-evaluate the relationship you have with one another, you may even need to question what you feel; is he really the "great boyfriend and the bestest best friend one could hope for" or no offense are you in denial; cause at the same time you acknowledge that he doesnt make you a priority. Maybe there is more to this relationship then you are providing but even so you really, really need to re-evaluate your relationship with this man. No disrespect its all love; if your feeling like you deserve better than trust that you do and we want it for you too gift giving and all. I wish you much happiness in whatever you decide to do.