Would you be upset if your SO NEVER bought you a gift?

[Nightingale]

I would expect gifts. It doesn't have to be expensive or constant, but even something as simple as picking a flower for me would make me feel good; a $0.99 card, anything.


I took that love language test and gift giving wasn't my language at all. But, I appreciate when my SO makes me feel special.

 

[Zaynab]

In all other aspects he is a great boyfriend and the bestest best friend one could hope for. I just dont feel as though I'm a priority sometimes and I definately dont feel like he does as much for me/our relationship as he could.

our whole relationship consists of sparodic dates every 2/3 weeks when we travel to see each other. For the most part, we split 50/50.

I even remember testing him once and asked him if i needed to bring my bank card with me when we were on our way out the door to a restaurant. I expected him to say 'no, baby, I've got this', obviously he said 'yes'. Nuff said

Oh heck no. I don't like the splitting thing. I dislike that more than the non-gift giving because he could just not be romantic/not his love language.

I feel like splitting the tab is a sign of greater things to come and doesn't value my worth. I know it seems small but splitting now just shows you may expect me to split 20 years from now and what if I don't feel like splitting then?

 

[Zaynab]

My men will always pay. If he doesn't pay for dinner then someone is staying after to wash dishes.

Presents - I'd be upset. If he can't get me anything to me is a low class way of saying he doesn't give a ****.

Please, I had the brokest ninja of all time ALL TIME and that man never failed to acknowledge my birthday, holidays, valentines day, with gifts. He'd also surprise me every now and then with other tokens: a cd he picked up b/c he knew I liked Avant, an oil burner b/c he heard me talking about it. It wasn't expensive but I was happy he cared enough to think about me.

I don't think I could go in reverse from that....

This just sticks out to me because when I met dh I wouldn't call him broke but he wasn't on my financial peer level but one of the reasons it didn't bother me or I couldn't tell was b/c he always bought me little presents, treated me to meals, paid my way, took me out-they weren't anything major at all BUT It showed me that if a man wants you, he will do whatever to show you that you are a priority to him.

 

[Filmatic]

I like gifts. I like to be spoiled. I couldn't do it especially after 4 year. And for you to split 50/50 after 4 years it means something. The only time I split is when I am trying to get rid of a man.

 

[FlowerHair]

Thanks for all the responses guys, its really helped me get a few things straight in my head

Yes, I have spoken to him about this issue, quite recently in fact. I told him that it did make me a little upset to know that he never has the slightest intention to buy me a gift. He said he's 'just not that kind of person'. Fair enough, I understand that. There are a few things that I wouldnt consider doing for him either

The problem lies in that I only see him for a weekend once every 2/3 weeks. In that time I really do feel attention/affection starved and it really would be nice to have something to let me know that I'm still in his thoughts or that I'm important to him even when I'm not around.

We talk every day but sometimes, its still not enough. And for him to say what he said to me.. well it made me have second thoughts about the direction this relationship is moving in

I think the bolded is the center of this problem.
You only get to see eachother one weekend every 2-3 weeks!?
How long is it going to stay like that?

I can well understand that you're starved for attention and signs of love. He should shower you with affection in those short days... It doesn't have to be gifts perhaps, but at least let you know that you're beautiful, how much he missed you etc. At least something...does he ever do that?

 

[tash85]

I said no. I prefer he NOT buy me spontaneous gifts. He has terrible taste He gets me stuff, but he knows I'd rather have direct input on gifts. He'll say every so often "Why don't you get yourself a book?", or he'll ask me if I want him to get me up something. If we're out together and he sees me checking something out, he'll ask me if I want it.

If he was at least like this, I'd be overjoyed. I can drop hints until im blue in the face, trust me it doesn't work. And you see the response I get when i ask outright!

 

[tash85]

I think the bolded is the center of this problem.
You only get to see eachother one weekend every 2-3 weeks!?
How long is it going to stay like that?

I can well understand that you're starved for attention and signs of love. He should shower you with affection in those short days... It doesn't have to be gifts perhaps, but at least let you know that you're beautiful, how much he missed you etc. At least something...does he ever do that?

when I'm with him he is very affectionate, I can't fault him on that, and I know he does love me, he tells me enough, he just doesn't really show it.

I see him so little because he lives about 130 miles away. I have a issues with that (obviously) and we plan to move in together next year but I have my reservations.

 

[tash85]

This just sticks out to me because when I met dh I wouldn't call him broke but he wasn't on my financial peer level but one of the reasons it didn't bother me or I couldn't tell was b/c he always bought me little presents, treated me to meals, paid my way, took me out-they weren't anything major at all BUT It showed me that if a man wants you, he will do whatever to show you that you are a priority to him.

I think this may be another issue aswell. He's going through a bit of a tough time career wise. He's an incredible money/number person (he's worked in so many finacial fields, I cant even give you specific job titles) but decided to try and change again at the wrong time.

The recession hit and he's now working somewhere doing a job that he's very unhappy with. I try my best to cheer him up but I think the severe drop in income has tightened him up that little bit more.

Maybe I'm just making excuses for him because this is only the last 6 months, he still earns more than me and he's always been as tight as a duck's a$$!

 

[NYAmicas]

Well the question is 'would I be upset'? and I surely would be. If he makes you happy for the most part OP then Im happy for you. Shoot, I'm glad when SO surprises me with my favorite snack, Im easy to please.....that little something shows he was thinking of me.

 

[awhyley]

I think this may be another issue aswell. He's going through a bit of a tough time career wise. He's an incredible money/number person (he's worked in so many financial fields, I cant even give you specific job titles) but decided to try and change again at the wrong time.

Not really to the topic, but why has he changed jobs so many times? Was money the sole motivator? What are his savings like? Do you know?

 

[Mariaat40]

when I'm with him he is very affectionate, I can't fault him on that, and I know he does love me, he tells me enough, he just doesn't really show it.

He is showing it; he's telling you he loves you and he's affectionate with you. He's just not showing it in the way that you want it to be shown. You also say he's tight with money in general and it sounds like he's tight with money with you, as well. And that bothers you. Sounds to me like he's a good man, but maybe not the right man for you. My girlfriend has been married for many years. Her husband clearly loves her, supports her and has been faithful to her. But he's not the gift giving (spontaneous or otherwise) type. She says it bothers her sometimes but he's a great husband and father in many other ways so it's OK. You have to decide if his frugality or lack of spontaneous gift giving is a deal breaker. Is there enough going on outside of that to warrant keeping the relationship?

 

[panamoni]

Should I be annoyed/upset or should I just accept him for who he is and stop wishing for someting more?

No to being upset, because he's been this way all along, and hasn't changed.

However, I do think that there maybe something you can do. I know you've said you've spoken to him about it, but a poster above mentioned the Love Languages, and I think it would be a perfect book (or you could listen to the CDs) for you two to read together, and both learn things about what would make the other person feel more loved in the relationship.

Maybe pose it to him as something you two could do to enhance/improve your relationship so it's not one-sided, and if he's willing, you could both be happier in the end.

ETA: I voted yes in the pole, because it's about me. I'd have that expectation. Since your relationship is long established with him setting a precedent of not buying gifts, I say no for you.

 

[tash85]

thank you again guys. Well I had a conversation with him again today and lets just say it didnt go very well

He's basically saying that he sees nothing wrong with our relationship and that I'm the problem. When I asked if he wanted to have a talk to see if there were things we could both change so we could both be happier, he says he has no issues other than me starting arguments. I say my arguments appear as a result of my unhappiness which he is unwilling to address

Round and round we go.

I don't think this relationship is going to last much longer to be honest folks, unless we both get on the same page. I'm not prepared to be with somebody who disregards my unhappiness in the hope of an easy life. I've put up with it on and off for 4 years (mind you, we've had a 10 month break in that time) and I don't think I can do it for much longer.

Our relationship may be long established but in my eyes, relationships are organic; they change, grow and peoples needs change; if you don't get with the new program, you get left behind.

I'm going to have another talk with him at some point during the week, but right now I'd just prefer to not converse with him.

 

[Xavier]

I'm going to have another talk with him at some point during the week.

I am no relationship expert, but do you think this is a good idea.If it is one thing that men hate,it is having multiple coversations about the same thing.You have talked to him several times about how you are feeling. If he doesn't get it how then...well you know the rest. I really don't have any advice but I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Zaynab]

I am no relationship expert, but do you think this is a good idea.If it is one thing that men hate,it is having multiple coversations about the same thing.You have talked to him several times about how you are feeling. If he doesn't get it how then...well you know the rest. I really don't have any advice but I hope everything works out for you.

I was going to come in and say the very same thing.

OP-if you bring it up again, he will swear you're "nagging". I can peep that is where he's going when he's saying you "start arguements". Men will harp on that one thing and the true issue will become moot in his eyes.

I would just take this time to do as you're doing and re-evaluate. It seems like a few minor things but if they've been bothering you for four years, don't keep settling. He might wake up and see the light of day but I wouldn't keep trying to bring him to the water.

ETA: I have a gf that has always complained about her dh's lack of gift giving, even on her bday, mother's day, she admitted he was like that before they got married. I'm just saying the writing is always on the wall and sometimes we don't read. I hope it works out OP

 

[Zaynab]

He is showing it; he's telling you he loves you and he's affectionate with you. He's just not showing it in the way that you want it to be shown. You also say he's tight with money in general and it sounds like he's tight with money with you, as well. And that bothers you. Sounds to me like he's a good man, but maybe not the right man for you. My girlfriend has been married for many years. Her husband clearly loves her, supports her and has been faithful to her. But he's not the gift giving (spontaneous or otherwise) type. She says it bothers her sometimes but he's a great husband and father in many other ways so it's OK. You have to decide if his frugality or lack of spontaneous gift giving is a deal breaker. Is there enough going on outside of that to warrant keeping the relationship?

Good point

 

[hopeful]

Yes, I would be upset. It seems he is not giving you enough and he is not willing to try. I'm sorry things are not going the way you want. Just a little token here and there, treating you just because. I would not be happy in the relationship you described.

 

[Taliah]

I don't believe I would be upset, more than I would be concerned...

The answer to the problem has already been posted.

 

[Meinzzfuture]

Like someone else said I'm more concerned with this paying 50 50 its either I treat or you treat. Some menact like they are unaware how much some genuine effort is worth..I once went to the movies with a homeless kid..yes. I said homeless n he tried tickets n popcorn soda..ever since then he raised the bar for those who put forth minimal effort.

 

[tash85]

I am no relationship expert, but do you think this is a good idea.If it is one thing that men hate,it is having multiple coversations about the same thing.You have talked to him several times about how you are feeling. If he doesn't get it how then...well you know the rest. I really don't have any advice but I hope everything works out for you.

I was going to come in and say the very same thing.

OP-if you bring it up again, he will swear you're "nagging". I can peep that is where he's going when he's saying you "start arguements". Men will harp on that one thing and the true issue will become moot in his eyes.

I would just take this time to do as you're doing and re-evaluate. It seems like a few minor things but if they've been bothering you for four years, don't keep settling. He might wake up and see the light of day but I wouldn't keep trying to bring him to the water.

ETA: I have a gf that has always complained about her dh's lack of gift giving, even on her bday, mother's day, she admitted he was like that before they got married. I'm just saying the writing is always on the wall and sometimes we don't read. I hope it works out OP

Valid point ladies. I better take a step back, I'm already on the cusp of nagging as it is. Thank you

 

[GreenD]

I don't get gifts outside the usual holidays, although I wish I did. It would be a nice surprise every now-and-then.

 

[Bunny77]

He said he's 'just not that kind of person'. Fair enough, I understand that. There are a few things that I wouldnt consider doing for him either

Now see, I don't know if this is an acceptable reason honestly.

I might not be a certain kind of person, but if my partner is and has a certain thing that makes him happy, I'm going to push myself to step out of my comfort zone and indulge him to a degree on what it is that makes him happy.

I'm not talking about anything degrading or whatever... but for example, my boyfriend really likes to play golf. I could take it or leave it, but I've gone out the last few days and let him teach me to hit some golf balls. He was REALLY happy about it... I swear, it was like I gave him a million dollars or something and all I did was hit some golf balls! I said I'd be willing to learn to a degree where we could play in the couples' group (it's basically watered-down golf... like nine out of 18 holes). So he was happy with that.

Oh, and I expect him to step outside of his comfort zone a little for me as well.

Just because gift giving might not be HIS love language doesn't mean that he can just ignore that it's YOUR love language. If he really cared, he'd try a little harder to be "that kind of person," in my opinion. That's the whole point of a RELATIONSHIP... if you just want to keep doing you and being "your kind of person," just stay single. Or find someone who matches you perfectly, I guess.

 

[anon123]

Now see, I don't know if this is an acceptable reason honestly.

I might not be a certain kind of person, but if my partner is and has a certain thing that makes him happy, I'm going to push myself to step out of my comfort zone and indulge him to a degree on what it is that makes him happy.

+1. The guy before the last that I dated was not into gifts, either. He didn't expect them or want them. All the same, as non-serious as our relationship was, he still got gifts for me because he knew I did want them.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I think that you need to re-evaluate this relationship. He does not sound like the man for you given his unwillingness to bend on an issue that is important to you.

I appreciate token gifts and have come to expect them from DH. DH is a great gift giver. The first gift was at Christmas when we first started dating - very odd given his JW background. He brings me flowers every so often, for no real reason and he bought me a copy of an old movie that I mentioned I like but could not find.

DH does not like surprises and never expects gifts for himself but I do pick up things for him anyway and he is appreciative.

You mentioned having reservations about doing certain things for this man, which suggests to me that you already know that he is not the man for you.

Good luck.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

In all other aspects he is a great boyfriend and the bestest best friend one could hope for. I just dont feel as though I'm a priority sometimes and I definately dont feel like he does as much for me/our relationship as he could.

our whole relationship consists of sparodic dates every 2/3 weeks when we travel to see each other. For the most part, we split 50/50.

I even remember testing him once and asked him if i needed to bring my bank card with me when we were on our way out the door to a restaurant. I expected him to say 'no, baby, I've got this', obviously he said 'yes'. Nuff said

..DA HELL???

 

[Coolata]

When my husband and I were dating he purchased flowers, took me to dinner/moives/plays/concerts, traveled...never really had to open my wallet. When we got married, he would by go shopping and try to surprise me with gifts....He always purchased candy I did not like, clothing/lingerie tooo small. I flat out told him GIVE ME the CASH!!! Let me purchase for myself. This is how he keeps me with a smile.

 

[Firstborn2]

I could not be in a giftless relationship. My SO gives the best gifts, I always get pre-birthday gifts and pre-xmas gifts. He is constantly buying me things throughout the year. He just recently surprised me with 2 bottles of nail polish I've been looking for, since the color came out in 07. I love the lil things that he does for me, he makes me feel special.

 

[tash85]

Aww, you guys are making me feel even worse/adamant that something isn't right in this 'relationship'. It's been a necessary evil though so I'm glad for it.

We are technically on a break at the moment - I think we are both taking some time to re-evaluate our situation.

Thank you x a million for all the advice, you ladies are amazing.

 

[rafikichick92]

Now see, I don't know if this is an acceptable reason honestly.

I might not be a certain kind of person, but if my partner is and has a certain thing that makes him happy, I'm going to push myself to step out of my comfort zone and indulge him to a degree on what it is that makes him happy.

I'm not talking about anything degrading or whatever... but for example, my boyfriend really likes to play golf. I could take it or leave it, but I've gone out the last few days and let him teach me to hit some golf balls. He was REALLY happy about it... I swear, it was like I gave him a million dollars or something and all I did was hit some golf balls! I said I'd be willing to learn to a degree where we could play in the couples' group (it's basically watered-down golf... like nine out of 18 holes). So he was happy with that.

Oh, and I expect him to step outside of his comfort zone a little for me as well.

Just because gift giving might not be HIS love language doesn't mean that he can just ignore that it's YOUR love language. If he really cared, he'd try a little harder to be "that kind of person," in my opinion. That's the whole point of a RELATIONSHIP... if you just want to keep doing you and being "your kind of person," just stay single. Or find someone who matches you perfectly, I guess.

You and I are >>>>here<<<< on this. In Rafikichick's Manifesto on What She Wants in a Man (and yes I do have one, lol) one of the qualifications is that he must be a good lover (devoted, cherishes me, and indulges me).

This scenario goes under "indulges me" which I have taken to mean that he finds out things that are special to me and does them, whether that's gift-giving or golfing. I want him to be a student of me and use his knowledge to try to please me. It's something I expect in a man because I will do (and have done) the same for him.

 

[glamazon386]

I'm gonna say yes - but I think some men aren't conditioned to do things like bring flowers home, bring you for favorite snack, a card, etc. Just small "I'm thinking of you" gifts/tokens of appreciation. We would think thats common sense but to other people it may not be. My current SO had enough sense to know to get gifts on the normal occasions - holidays, bdays, etc. but to bring something home just because? Nah... it wasn't the norm in his world (wasn't something he saw growing up or was required to do in past rels) but once I brought it to his attention he followed suit.

I would talk to him about it. But after 4 years it might not be worth your time. He should have gotten the hint by now.