Would this upset you? Or is she just too emotional

[Bmack]

My girlfriend is dating this guy that has children-who he keeps separate from his relationship to a great degree. They have only been dealing for about a year so I suppose that is understandable, but I am not a parent so…

Anyway, he has three children 2 boys which are 19 & 17 and a daughter who is 13. The daughter is very possessive of her father she is young and a daddy’s girl. My friend understands this as she has a very tight relationship with her father and she does not push and is not inappropriate in front of daughter which is very rare. Well, it has been decided that the dad is going to get custody of his daughter soon and about 2-3 weeks ago my friend was spending the weekend with him, but he had to rush to pick up his daughter because of an emergency. He was concerned about how the daughter would feel about my friend being there when he and his daughter arrived so he asked my friend to meet him outside somewhere and they would pick her up- um yeah. erplexed

The night before this though they were supposed to go out, and he went to his daughter to take her shopping. He was supposed to be back to go out, but when he came back they went nowhere (friend was at his place) he claimed that she was sleeping when he got in and did not want to wake her. He said it looked like she needed the rest

Anyway, she went to the mall to shop and they (he and his daughter) met her at the mall. Where they all spent part of the day, then went had lunch…then went back to his place to chill. My friend was a little disturbed, but she just went along because…I suppose relationship sake??


Fast forward to this Friday, they had an argument about her phone being off. He was upset that she had not returned his call until late in the day, but she had an emergency and a dead phone so…anyway, he would not pick up his phone when she finally called him back. She kept calling and eventually he answered expressing his anger. Anyway, she got upset because she really needed to speak to him about her day and the emergency which caused her to get back to him late. She says he was distant and she was close to crying (she is very emotional), but he still was angry about not reaching her.

She was still upset, but called him Saturday and he told her that his female co-worker took his daughter to get her hair done….she was upset, but did not express it because she said she felt silly, but was still upset.


I hate telling friends to drop dudes unless they are really arseholes…but he is a runner up in my opinion.

What are your thoughts?

 

[JustKiya]

Urm, I'm not seeing the issue, besides him being angry that her phone was dead, all day.

When he had to pick his daughter up for the emergency, he didn't want his daughter to know that he had a woman staying with him for the weekend, so he asked to pick her up someplace other than his house. That seems okay.

The night before, he spent time with his daughter, when he got to his house his ladyfriend was sleeping, and he let her sleep rather than waking her up to go out. That seems okay, too.

The day they went to the mall, everyone - father, daughter, girlfriend - went back home to chill afterwards. Okay...... what else did she expect him to do? Why was she disturbed?

He had his co-worker take his daughter to get her hair done - that's an obvious, and easy relationship to explain.

He doesn't want her interacting with his daughter much, if at all, and he doesn't appear to want his daughter to know the extent of his relationship with her. I don't see an issue with any of that - esp. at his daughters age.

What does your friend expect from him?

 

[complexsimplicity]

I think HE'S being too emotional. She had an emergency and there was no place to charge her phone. Situation explained. He needs to get over it.​

 

[mscocoface]

They have been dating for a year. They should by now be comfortable enough to tell each other what is really going on with each other.

Communication about their feelings should be very normal by now. Sounds like they have some communication issues.

If they are going to go any further with this relationship they should be able to talk to each other and be safe with their feelings and also be trusting of each other.

He is probably scared because he may not be sure your friend will be there for the long haul, particularly since he will now have his daughter 24/7. A whole lot of changes are going to be taking place.

She is prbably scared for the same reasons. Will he make time for her, will she still be important in his life. Can he maintain the relationship while trying to adjust to having his daugther in his home permanently.

They both sound scared and insecure and should address their thoughts and feelings openly and honestly and with each other face to face and uninterrupted to determine how this relationship will go forward.

Hope they work it out.

 

[Bmack]

Urm, I'm not seeing the issue, besides him being angry that her phone was dead, all day.

When he had to pick his daughter up for the emergency, he didn't want his daughter to know that he had a woman staying with him for the weekend, so he asked to pick her up someplace other than his house. That seems okay.

The night before, he spent time with his daughter, when he got to his house his ladyfriend was sleeping, and he let her sleep rather than waking her up to go out. That seems okay, too.

The day they went to the mall, everyone - father, daughter, girlfriend - went back home to chill afterwards. Okay...... what else did she expect him to do? Why was she disturbed?

He had his co-worker take his daughter to get her hair done - that's an obvious, and easy relationship to explain.

He doesn't want her interacting with his daughter much, if at all, and he doesn't appear to want his daughter to know the extent of his relationship with her. I don't see an issue with any of that - esp. at his daughters age.

What does your friend expect from him?

I feel you, but after a year. I feel you though. I suppose she wants not to feel like a secret? I dunno...

 

[hopeful]

I don't like how he rolls. After a year of dating he is treating her like she is very unimportant IMO. He rarely wants her around his daughter but the female co-worker can take her to get her hair done. And when he can't reach her and she explains what happens he gives her the cold shoulder. Something in the milk ain't clean, lol, got that from LHCF. Something is off with their relationship. After a year she should not be treated like a secret, she should be integrated into his life. Now that the daughter is coming to live with her daddy your friend might as well hang it up. His daughter is his priority and she is not. She can move on now or wait for things to get worse IMO.

 

[Filmatic]

Is she upset over him not answering the phone. She needs to tell him to get over it or move on. However, is she upset about the other events and this one just took the cake she needs to evaluate whether she wants to date someone with children. She will not be first on the list so she either has to accept it or move on.

 

[rafikichick92]

I don't think it's anything to get upset over either. I can see how she might get frustrated, but still, in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big a deal. This happens with me and my BF all the time since he has custody of his little sister and has to take care of her all the time. You just have to accept it or leave.

ETA: I also think they should be able to talk about it. I tell my BF, "you're being a jerk about this" whenever I get really irritated.

 

[JustKiya]

I feel you, but after a year. I feel you though. I suppose she wants not to feel like a secret? I dunno...

Considering people were telling single mothers that they should hide their relationships from their kids until they were 18 - - uh, I really don't see why she expects to be considered a part of his daughters life, at all.

His children don't need to know about any relationship he is having until he thinks it's going to be long-term - ie, he's shopping for an engagement ring. Esp. his 13 y/o daddy's girl. She needs time to get settled into her fathers life 24/7, before she finds out that Daddy has another girl. And the fact that he now has full custody makes me wonder what issues might be going on in his daughters life that he is also dealing with.

So, yeah, I can totally see - and respect - his desires to keep his relationship with her secret from his daughter. *shrug* And, to keep it real, after only year, she IS unimportant compared to his daughter. Full stop.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

I need a few more details.

Can you explain a bit more on what the friend's issue is? Why is she upset?

Maybe I'm not reading the story right...but what did your friend say she has a problem with?

Is it the fact that he isn't expressing to his daughter how serious they are? Putting his daughter before her? Feeling excluded from him and his daughter's life/relationship?

If so she need to express to him, how certain situations make her feel. Dating someone with kids can be very diffuclt.

A lot of times the parent in the relationship is struggling to make 2 people happy. Sometimes the child ends up getting more attention than the SO.

Tell her to talk with him, maybe they can work something out, it won't be perfect, but they need something that makes sure that everyone's needs are being met.

If he can't/won't, she should move on, because she will always be second fiddle to the daughter...and that will probably make her resent him and the child, and that opens up a lot of issues..that end in disaster.

 

[january noir]

Is she upset over him not answering the phone. She needs to tell him to get over it or move on. However, is she upset about the other events and this one just took the cake she needs to evaluate whether she wants to date someone with children. She will not be first on the list so she either has to accept it or move on.

the man was upset about her not answering the phone.

The price of dating men with children is too high....unless you're a rock emotion-wise, don't do it! My mother told me that years and years ago.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

i can tell u right now dat dis ain't gonna work.

first of all, imma need ur girlfriend to get ova herself cuz it ain't about her, it's about his daughter, and i'm sure dat child has a mother, regardless of the situation. why is she so pressed to audition for da role of wifey/mother, all for da sake of getting his approval, cuz das what she's doin.

ok. so he mad cuz she didn't return his calls cuz her phone went dead. shyt happens. if he got mad about dat, then imma need him to grab his nuts n man up n stop bein petty about dumb shyt and focus on breastfeedin dem chirren.

as for ur friend, tell her to stop competing for his affection cuz it ain't gonna work and to keep it movin. his daughter got dat hands down.

 

[DarkVictory]

Anyway, she went to the mall to shop and they (he and his daughter) met her at the mall. Where they all spent part of the day, then went had lunch…then went back to his place to chill. My friend was a little disturbed, but she just went along because…I suppose relationship sake??

Why was she disturbed by this?

There's something missing here. After a year together, missing each other by phone isn't usually a lingering "still distant and upset" problem, is it? They have some other issue somewhere.

 

[january noir]

I dated a man who had a son (whom he adored). We had been friends since high school (we're in our 50s now) and dated off and on for YEARS. He came back into my life and we decided to give it another go.

His son's mother was never married to "Boo" and their relationship was rocky and short at best.

Anyhow, when we started our relationship again, he never had his son around me nor did he respond affirmatively whenever I suggested an afternoon out for bowling, movies, swimming at my association pool, etc.
You name it.

It became clear that he preferred to keep his son apart from our relationship. I didn't want that and decided to dissolve the relationship because I didn't want to find myself disliking the little boy out of jealousy and feeling like I wasn't important to his father.

I am happier for the decision. I found another to date who has no children (except cats ) and he can focus on me and me alone.

 

[Kerryann]

Your friend isnt ready to date someone with children.
I have my kids and no one better not ask to meet my kids play with them and what not it aint happening

That gentleman does not see your friend as long term so she is wasting her time make it worst his children are old and they will understand that daddy has a girlfriend and blazay blah

 

[Bmack]

Considering people were telling single mothers that they should hide their relationships from their kids until they were 18 - - uh, I really don't see why she expects to be considered a part of his daughters life, at all.

His children don't need to know about any relationship he is having until he thinks it's going to be long-term - ie, he's shopping for an engagement ring. Esp. his 13 y/o daddy's girl. She needs time to get settled into her fathers life 24/7, before she finds out that Daddy has another girl. And the fact that he now has full custody makes me wonder what issues might be going on in his daughters life that he is also dealing with.

So, yeah, I can totally see - and respect - his desires to keep his relationship with her secret from his daughter. *shrug* And, to keep it real, after only year, she IS unimportant compared to his daughter. Full stop.

Gotcha! great advice. He actually told her that they are together for the long haul tho soerplexed

However, you never know.

 

[Bmack]

I need a few more details.

Can you explain a bit more on what the friend's issue is? Why is she upset?
Because she feels like a secret and him being upset and cold when she had an emergency
Maybe I'm not reading the story right...but what did your friend say she has a problem with?

Is it the fact that he isn't expressing to his daughter how serious they are? Putting his daughter before her? Feeling excluded from him and his daughter's life/relationship?

Never that...she encouraged him to get the daughter as the mother is a loose canon
If so she need to express to him, how certain situations make her feel. Dating someone with kids can be very diffuclt.
This is the truth.

A lot of times the parent in the relationship is struggling to make 2 people happy. Sometimes the child ends up getting more attention than the SO.

Tell her to talk with him, maybe they can work something out, it won't be perfect, but they need something that makes sure that everyone's needs are being met.

If he can't/won't, she should move on, because she will always be second fiddle to the daughter...and that will probably make her resent him and the child, and that opens up a lot of issues..that end in disaster.

Yes, I will encourage her to talk...she does feel silly though so she has kept things to herself.

 

[hopeful]

@ January Noir's post: Sometimes you have to accept that you and the guy you like are not a match and KIM. I personally would never put a man I was dating above my child either but I would also not expect someone to be strung along and treated like a secret. I would probably not date at all until the child(ren) were grown or never get serious with anyone. Or only date people in a similiar situation? IDK it's a tough situation all around.

 

[Bmack]

i can tell u right now dat dis ain't gonna work.

first of all, imma need ur girlfriend to get ova herself cuz it ain't about her, it's about his daughter, and i'm sure dat child has a mother, regardless of the situation. why is she so pressed to audition for da role of wifey/mother, all for da sake of getting his approval, cuz das what she's doin.

ok. so he mad cuz she didn't return his calls cuz her phone went dead. shyt happens. if he got mad about dat, then imma need him to grab his nuts n man up n stop bein petty about dumb shyt and focus on breastfeedin dem chirren.

as for ur friend, tell her to stop competing for his affection cuz it ain't gonna work and to keep it movin. his daughter got dat hands down.

Yes, I think she needs to step off.

 

[ladysaraii]

I didn't get the impression that she was competing. If anything, it just seems like they have different timetables about being a full and open couple.

But he was wrong for acting an arse b/c her phone was dead

 

[JustKiya]

Gotcha! great advice. He actually told her that they are together for the long haul tho soerplexed

However, you never know.

Together for the long haul /= I want you to be my daughters stepmother.
In fact, saying that we are together for the long haul doesn't mean a blessed thing unless you define 'long'. That could mean 18 months. That could mean til the next chick comes along. Good lord, that could mean anything.
Based on how he's handling her interacting with his daughter, I don't think he thinks she'll be around all that long, to be honest.

 

[hopeful]

...Based on how he's handling her interacting with his daughter, I don't think he thinks she'll be around all that long, to be honest.

And that is indeed the bottomline.

 

[biancaelyse]

The complexities of dating a person with teenage kids!!!

Whether or not your friend should be upset depends on how serious and longterm this relationshio is. After a year of being with him, she should be clear on what to expect - is this a man that plans to marry her in a year or 2 or does he want to wait untill all of his kids are grown before committing himself?

Have they had that talk? What does your friend expect out of the relationship. It sounds like they are "unequally yoked" as they say in the church - that they are in different places in life and have different priorities. He seems reluctant to share with his child that this is the lady in his life.

Either way, they should have a calm, honest and open discussion before the little girl moves in. Things are about to change dramtically in his household and in their rel'p it seems!! Your friend can decide whether or not it makes sense for her to keep seeing him or if she should move on.

ETA - maybe I'm jaded but I've seen so many cases of men that date a woman like this for years and then they turn around and marry someone else. It doesn't take a man (especially a more "mature" one) very long to figure out when he is ready to marry a particular woman and his actions and words tend to line up.

 

[loved]

a daughter who is 13. The daughter is very possessive of her father she is young and a daddy’s girl. . . .dad is going to get custody of his daughter soon and about 2-3 weeks ago my friend was spending the weekend with him, but he had to rush to pick up his daughter because of an emergency.

These words say it all for me. This little girl is undergoing a major upheaval in her young life & she should be her father's first priority for now. The phone incident is something they should talk about and resolve, but the other stuff seems appropriate on his part and it is not clear why your friend would be upset.

 

[Bmack]

Together for the long haul /= I want you to be my daughters stepmother.
In fact, saying that we are together for the long haul doesn't mean a blessed thing unless you define 'long'. That could mean 18 months. That could mean til the next chick comes along. Good lord, that could mean anything.
Based on how he's handling her interacting with his daughter, I don't think he thinks she'll be around all that long, to be honest.

I think she should exit stage door now!! but who knows. She said that she thinks she should back off. I think she should exit relationship...maybe just friends, but even that is complicated

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Gotcha! great advice. He actually told her that they are together for the long haul tho soerplexed

However, you never know.

yeah, translation - I need a woman to help me raise this girl, until she is at least 17. GTFOH wif da bu'shyt. da hell is da long haul mean... das why he got mad at her when she ain't ansa da phone...remember..he had to get a female co worker to get da childs hair done. he was mad cuz she didn't answer da phone so he could ask her to get it done. that is the real reason why he was mad. not cuz she ain't answer da phone...cuz she was unavailable when he needed her.

chile puleez...ur friend has no chick nor child. i would step. to da left to da left.....

 

[Bmack]

The complexities of dating a person with teenage kids!!!

Whether or not your friend should be upset depends on how serious and longterm this relationshio is. After a year of being with him, she should be clear on what to expect - is this a man that plans to marry her in a year or 2 or does he want to wait untill all of his kids are grown before committing himself?

Have they had that talk? What does your friend expect out of the relationship. It sounds like they are "unequally yoked" as they say in the church - that they are in different places in life and have different priorities. He seems reluctant to share with his child that this is the lady in his life.

Either way, they should have a calm, honest and open discussion before the little girl moves in. Things are about to change dramtically in his household and in their rel'p it seems!! Your friend can decide whether or not it makes sense for her to keep seeing him or if she should move on.

ETA - maybe I'm jaded but I've seen so many cases of men that date a woman like this for years and then they turn around and marry someone else. It doesn't take a man (especially a more "mature" one) very long to figure out when he is ready to marry a particular woman and his actions and words tend to line up.

She told me she asked him about what will happen when his daughter moves in…he said on the weekends when she is not there…LAWD I know. She needs to get out. Now!!erplexed

 

[JustKiya]

She told me she asked him about what will happen when his daughter moves in…he said on the weekends when she is not there…LAWD I know. She needs to get out. Now!!erplexed

Hrm, and you know what? On the real, I can't knock the man. He's trying to be a focused, dedicated father - and, how can I blame him for that? He's trying to not have his women running through the house while his daughter is there - and I totally respect and appreciate that!

He might handle it a little better and be more upfront with your friend - but I suspect no woman really wants to hear "Babe, you are second string right now, and will be for the next 7 years" - and no man wants to tell a woman he wants to continue associating with that, either.

It sounds like he's trying to be a good father, and that's making him a crappy boyfriend.

 

[biancaelyse]

Hrm, and you know what? On the real, I can't knock the man. He's trying to be a focused, dedicated father - and, how can I blame him for that? He's trying to not have his women running through the house while his daughter is there - and I totally respect and appreciate that!

He might handle it a little better and be more upfront with your friend - but I suspect no woman really wants to hear "Babe, you are second string right now, and will be for the next 7 years" - and no man wants to tell a woman he wants to continue associating with that, either.

It sounds like he's trying to be a good father, and that's making him a crappy boyfriend.

I don't knock him either - he is making his child a priority and being honest with his SO (kinda .) That said, I surely wouldn't date him - just setting myself up for frustration and angst!!

 

[Bmack]

Hrm, and you know what? On the real, I can't knock the man. He's trying to be a focused, dedicated father - and, how can I blame him for that? He's trying to not have his women running through the house while his daughter is there - and I totally respect and appreciate that!

He might handle it a little better and be more upfront with your friend - but I suspect no woman really wants to hear "Babe, you are second string right now, and will be for the next 7 years" - and no man wants to tell a woman he wants to continue associating with that, either.

It sounds like he's trying to be a good father, and that's making him a crappy boyfriend.

Exactly. I just don't think she should be thrown to the waste side because of it.