Why Wasn't I Good Enough?!

[Zuleika]

So I came accross this blog post and it pissed me the hell off! Anyway, I thought I'd share with you guys. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this....


**Phone rings**
Slim: ****. Who is this calling me? 516 area code? I don’t even know this number. Eh, I’ll answer it.
Jennifer: Hey Slim. It’s Jenn. Long time no talk.
Slim: Oh sh*t. Hey Jenn. What’s good? Long time no talk indeed. How are you?
Jenn: I’m doing well. **Proceeds to make small talk about her life and all the good things that have happened.
Slim: That’s what’s up. Glad to hear you’re doing well.
Jenn: Thanks. I wanted to ask you something though.
Slim: No doubt. What’s that?
Jenn: Why wasn’t I good enough?
When she said these words, I didn’t know how to respond. I pseudo-coughed to buy myself some time before continuing.
Slim: Whaddaya mean? I’m confused.
Jenn: You said you didn’t want a girl and now you been dating someone for 6 months. I just wanna know what happened.
Slim: Oh wow. That’s an interesting question. You’re really cool peoples. Kinda surprised you’d call me and ask something so direct.
This turned out to be one of most difficult conversations I’ve had in my life. I had dealt with Jenn for about 7 months under the agreement we were just having a good time. I told her upfront that I wasn’t looking for a girl and that I was focused on myself and ensuring that I didn’t commit to something I wasn’t ready for. She accepted it then…or so I thought. Little did I know she just said that in hopes of coming across cool and agreeable.
Jenn: I thought we had something special. It kinda hurts me to see that you went back on your word and ended up dating someone else.
Slim: …………………………………………………..
Jenn was an amazing woman. She just wasn’t amazing enough for me. We spent a lot of quality time together, but it never went anywhere other than the bedroom. I talked to other chicks and was under the assumption that she talked to other dudes even though I never explicitly asked. For her to call me asking why things didn’t work out made me question if I had been clear enough. I replayed our first conversations and I knew that I conveyed what it was that I felt at the time. I really didn’t wanna date her. She had said some things along the way that turned me off, but I knew we could still kick it and have a good time with minimal repercussions. The words looped as I grasped for the right words to say.
Jenn: I thought we had something special. It kinda hurts me to see that you went back on your word and ended up dating someone else.
Jenn wasn’t right for me in terms of a relationship. I knew it the whole time, but didn’t see a reason to voice it since she understood what we were. She never said anything crazy per say, but I just knew that we weren’t meant to be even though I liked her. Jenn had most of the qualities I wanted in a woman except a crucial couple. She was really judgmental and I had some things going on in my life that I knew I couldn’t share with her and it bothered me enough to make me write her off as a girlfriend. She was in a category she didn’t wanna be in.
I could tell she was getting emotional. The pain was obvious in the peaks and valleys of the wave that was her voice. I hate making women feel like sh*t. As G as I wanted to be, I still considered her feelings even though we hadn’t spoken in months.
Jenn: I really thought we clicked. We never had an awkward conversation or a dull moment.
She was right, but I just wasn’t completely feeling it. And yet, here I was trying to explain why I had opted out of a potential relationship with her in order to pursue something special with someone else. It was a pretty f*cked up phone call. It’s probably part of the reason that I hate talking on the phone so much. I never know what someone’s gonna hit me with.
It’s a tough pill to swallow for a woman to be head over heels for a man then hear him explain why he isn’t ready, then watch him go off and commit to somebody else. It happens a lot more than we’d like to admit, but it’s a harsh and raw reality. I went on to say something general like everything happens for a reason. I could tell she wasn’t completely satisfied with my answer. And quite honestly, neither was I. In the end, I just told her she said some things along the way that led me to believe we’d have some problems down the road. She probed, but I didn’t go any further.
The reality is that just because you put in the work doesn’t mean the relationship will follow — especially when the other person told you they’re not trying to go there. Sometimes words do speak louder than action. Be real with yourself and maybe you’ll realize that you might be wasting your time. I did realize something. Unfortunately for her, the realization was that she wasn’t the one.

From: http://www.singleblackmale.org

 

[Zuleika]

Continued:

Jenn: You said you didn’t want a girl and now you been dating someone for 6 months. I just wanna know what happened.
Slim: Oh wow. That’s an interesting question. You’re really cool peoples. Kinda surprised you’d call me and ask something so direct.
This turned out to be one of most difficult conversations I’ve had in my life. I had dealt with Jenn for about 7 months under the agreement we were just having a good time. I told her upfront that I wasn’t looking for a girl and that I was focused on myself and ensuring that I didn’t commit to something I wasn’t ready for. She accepted it then…or so I thought. Little did I know she just said that in hopes of coming across cool and agreeable.
Jenn: I thought we had something special. It kinda hurts me to see that you went back on your word and ended up dating someone else.
Slim: …………………………………………………..

Jenn was an amazing woman. She just wasn’t amazing enough for me. We spent a lot of quality time together, but it never went anywhere other than the bedroom. I talked to other chicks and was under the assumption that she talked to other dudes even though I never explicitly asked. For her to call me asking why things didn’t work out made me question if I had been clear enough. I replayed our first conversations and I knew that I conveyed what it was that I felt at the time. I really didn’t wanna date her. She had said some things along the way that turned me off, but I knew we could still kick it and have a good time with minimal repercussions. The words looped as I grasped for the right words to say.

Jenn: I thought we had something special. It kinda hurts me to see that you went back on your word and ended up dating someone else.

 

[PPGbubbles]

Note to Jenn:

"To thine self always be true"

If you want a relationship with a man do not settle for anything less!

 

[lesedi]

I think it's sad too but i have been low enough to get where she is coming from. People need to realise that closure doesn't exist. You will always want more.
I can sympathise with her though. I've been there.

 

[Zuleika]

Continued:

Jenn wasn’t right for me in terms of a relationship. I knew it the whole time, but didn’t see a reason to voice it since she understood what we were. She never said anything crazy per say, but I just knew that we weren’t meant to be even though I liked her. Jenn had most of the qualities I wanted in a woman except a crucial couple. She was really judgmental and I had some things going on in my life that I knew I couldn’t share with her and it bothered me enough to make me write her off as a girlfriend. She was in a category she didn’t wanna be in.

I could tell she was getting emotional. The pain was obvious in the peaks and valleys of the wave that was her voice. I hate making women feel like sh*t. As G as I wanted to be, I still considered her feelings even though we hadn’t spoken in months.

Jenn: I really thought we clicked. We never had an awkward conversation or a dull moment.

She was right, but I just wasn’t completely feeling it. And yet, here I was trying to explain why I had opted out of a potential relationship with her in order to pursue something special with someone else. It was a pretty f*cked up phone call. It’s probably part of the reason that I hate talking on the phone so much. I never know what someone’s gonna hit me with.

 

[Makenzie]

So what was Slimm's response?

ETA: I see the response. I know a young woman, early 30's, who has been dealing with a nice enough dude for 9 years. I don't get it. She's getting older and her dating pool is increasingly getting smaller. She will be devastated if they break up and he ends up married to someone else.

 

[Zuleika]

Last part:

It’s a tough pill to swallow for a woman to be head over heels for a man then hear him explain why he isn’t ready, then watch him go off and commit to somebody else. It happens a lot more than we’d like to admit, but it’s a harsh and raw reality. I went on to say something general like everything happens for a reason. I could tell she wasn’t completely satisfied with my answer. And quite honestly, neither was I. In the end, I just told her she said some things along the way that led me to believe we’d have some problems down the road. She probed, but I didn’t go any further.

The reality is that just because you put in the work doesn’t mean the relationship will follow — especially when the other person told you they’re not trying to go there. Sometimes words do speak louder than action. Be real with yourself and maybe you’ll realize that you might be wasting your time. I did realize something. Unfortunately for her, the realization was that she wasn’t the one

This is from the blog: http://www.singleblackmale.org

 

[Zuleika]

Reason no # 18373947565748 why I believe closure is overrated! Why on earth would she even give him that satisfaction? Calling a ninja talking about what's wrong with me, wasn't I enough for you? And now this ninja is smelling himself, writting blog posts about her. So much for closure

 

[Almaz]

Ummm did he say at the beginning that he was not looking for someone at that time and said they wanted only to have fun well that would have been a good reason for me to run does not matter what you do or say how you can clean or screw men are real simple you don't even have to read between the lines with this one.

If he says that he is not looking for someone right now or trust he is BUT YOU AIN'T the one so KIM realise it for what it is and it is up to you to make the decision if whether or not you want to continue a dating friendship with this person he told you where he stood take the hint.

 

[TamedTresses]

I don't feel like he was mean about it. It seems like he tried to let her off easy. He just wasn't into her and she didn't take the signs. She shouldn't have settled for a "friends with benefits" situation knowing that she wanted more. Some of us women are too emotional for those type of arrangements.

 

[Zuleika]

Ummm did he say at the beginning that he was not looking for someone at that time and said they wanted only to have fun well that would have been a good reason for me to run does not matter what you do or say how you can clean or screw men are real simple you don't even have to read between the lines with this one.

If he says that he is not looking for someone right now or trust he is BUT YOU AIN'T the one so KIM realise it for what it is and it is up to you to make the decision if whether or not you want to continue a dating friendship with this person he told you where he stood take the hint.

Exactly! I don't understand why she called him. What else did she want him to say?

 

[TrueToHair]

.......................

 

[aribell]

I don't think the blog post is that bad--like, he wasn't a jerk or anything in recounting his experiences with her. But I do think that people tend to be kind of cowardly about these things. All he had to do is tell her the first time around that he didn't think they were a good match. Period. The end. Isn't that simple? Instead he came up with some b.s. that only led to more confusion down the road. I agree 100% that closure is overrated, but I also think that Jennifer probably had to learn (the hard way) that the particular reason doesn't matter. Asking him why she wasn't good enough is such a terrible question--she shouldn't even let that in her psyche! At the same time, I can't be completely down on her because he hadn't been honest with her, which led her to think that things between them were other than they were. Because he was too afraid to be truthful in the beginning, she got the impression that it was purely a timing thing, not a compatibility thing. And really, I place the blame on him for that one.

Moral of the story: If he's not pursuing you, he's not the one. No more thought needs to be invested into him than the conclusion that he's not it.

 

[SHEANITPRO]

Wow, I'm mad that she's groveling. She shouldn't have called him in the first place..."kick the dust off the feet and KIM". But since she has, If I were Jenn, I'd ask Slim..."why didn't you think you were good enough for me"? and what fast-track of self-improvement have you been on, that's got you dating a girl for what...6 months now? Congratulations!

If you don’t think highly of yourself, who will? I think Jenn's lack of esteem is what made Slim move on. If she posed the above question to him...it might make him think twice about her. At worse he'll think her a bytch that full of herself, and what's wrong with that?

 

[Zuleika]

I don't think the blog post is that bad--like, he wasn't a jerk or anything in recounting his experiences with her. But I do think that people tend to be kind of cowardly about these things. All he had to do is tell her the first time around that he didn't think they were a good match. Period. The end. Isn't that simple? Instead he came up with some b.s. that only led to more confusion down the road. I agree 100% that closure is overrated, but I also think that Jennifer probably had to learn (the hard way) that the particular reason doesn't matter. Asking him why she wasn't good enough is such a terrible question--she shouldn't even let that in her psyche! At the same time, I can't be completely down on her because he hadn't been honest with her, which led her to think that things between them were other than they were.

Moral of the story: If he's not pursuing you, he's not the one. No more thought needs to be invested into him than the conclusion that he's not it.

In agreement with everything you said. I am not annoyed with the blogger, I just don't understand why Jennifer called him. What it is that she was hoping to hear? Like most said, he was honest with her from the beginning. I guess she thought he would change his mind?

 

[Zuleika]

Wow, I'm mad that she's groveling. She shouldn't have called him in the first place..."kick the dust off the feet and KIM". But since she has, If I were Jenn, I'd ask Slim..."why didn't you think you were good enough for me"? and what fast-track of self-improvement have you been on, that's got you dating a girl for what...6 months now? Congratulations!

If you don’t think highly of yourself, who will? I think Jenn's lack of esteem is what made Slim move on. If she posed the above question to him...it might make him think twice about her. At worse he'll think her a bytch that full of herself, and what's wrong with that?

SHEANITPRO The bolded is what pissed me off! Gosh, why give a man that satisfaction?

 

[Pat Mahurr]

The worst thing is that she still didn't get the truth --- unless he reads his blog.

I think she would have found all the answers she really needed with just a little quiet time and introspection. I'm serious about that, too. Sometimes, we have to think about what we really want, and we have to evaluate if the steps we're taking right now are actually leading us in the direction of our goals, or if we're headed down a dead end street, ignoring the signs.

 

[aribell]

In agreement with everything you said. I am not annoyed with the blogger, I just don't understand why Jennifer called him. What it is that she was hoping to hear? Like most said, he was honest with her from the beginning. I guess she thought he would change his mind?

I think it was naivete, I really do. That along with poor self-esteem. The hardest dating lesson to learn is that men more times than not are simply not going to tell you the truth. It sounds like Jennifer genuinely took blogger at his word and so when he was up and in a relationship with someone else, she had a moment of, "Wait, but I thought he said...?" Now, the smart thing to do at that moment would have been to realize that he hadn't been honest and forget about him. But she let her insecurities get the best of her. She probably wanted some kind of reassurance or another excuse that would make her feel like she hadn't been rejected or passed over.

 

[Makenzie]

Ummm did he say at the beginning that he was not looking for someone at that time and said they wanted only to have fun well that would have been a good reason for me to run does not matter what you do or say how you can clean or screw men are real simple you don't even have to read between the lines with this one.

If he says that he is not looking for someone right now or trust he is BUT YOU AIN'T the one so KIM realise it for what it is and it is up to you to make the decision if whether or not you want to continue a dating friendship with this person he told you where he stood take the hint.

Excellent point.

 

[nappystorm]

I will admit, this was a tough thread to read because I've been Jenn. I agree with the rest of yall, closure is overrated. And no matter what he tells you, it's not going to satisfy you

 

[Zuleika]

I think it was naivete, I really do. That along with poor self-esteem. The hardest dating lesson to learn is that men more times than not are simply not going to tell you the truth. It sounds like Jennifer genuinely took blogger at his word and so when he was up and in a relationship with someone else, she had a moment of, "Wait, but I thought he said...?" Now, the smart thing to do at that moment would have been to realize that he hadn't been honest and forget about him. But she let her insecurities get the best of her. She probably wanted some kind of reassurance or another excuse that would make her feel like she hadn't been rejected or passed over.

And blogger still didn't have the heart to tell her the truth. Not that he owed her anything...

 

[aribell]

And blogger still didn't have the heart to tell her the truth. Not that he owed her anything...

I think he did. He did owe her truthfulness. If he spent that much time with her such that it was clear that there was something romantic between them, then I feel that it's at the least common courtesy to give a simple, truthful reason why things aren't working out.

I feel like women have been forced to figure out how to maneuver around a lack of honesty in dating. Like, a "you have to outfox the fox" type of mentality. I feel that women definitely should be smart, but still, I don't think it's too much to ask for a man to act like an adult, own his choice, and say why he made it. And not on a blog, for goodness sake! That's just cowardly, imo.

 

[virgo_chinwe]

My heart cries for jenn. In her defense, perhaps some of u are misconstruing her question for weakness, but in actuality I know very few women who ask the main source for closure instead seek out words from their gfs or random strangers on blogs. Her actions takes gall. Just playing devils advocate. At the end nobody wants to feel undesirable or unfit to be ones gf and had things ended on her terms she, would have the satisfaction of knowing she held control in this situation. I love the gal pal rebuttle its him not you, but its truly a flaw in both parties. there's is something in you or him that doesn't mesh...and whatever this factor is him or you are not able or willing to see past it.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I am not sure if I believe he was honest with her from the beginning. Yes, they established they were just having "fun". The truth was its her and not really that he didn't want a relationship. This is what I find out about men. I had a conversation with a guy this weekend and it went like this:

Him: I tell these girls I don't have time for them with working and school and everything else. I just don't have time.

Me: Well, as long as you're honest about that from the beginning then their should be no fuss.

Him: But I will give it all up for the one. That girl that's perfect/ideal for me.

Me: *thinking men be bullshh*

I find alot of men will front in the beginning of almost every situation because they are not sure of a female. However, most females mess up (and I've done this enough times to know) by agreeing with the sentiment of lets be "friends". If he know from jump where you side, he'll make a choice..stay and see if something is there...or roll because he know he don't like you like that.

Women have to understand that men DO NOT set the tone of a relationship. We do. We let them know how is going to go. We set the standard and they work to meet the standard. Of course you don't have to demand anything but you do have to let it be known, "I want a relationship so the whole friends with benefits does not work for me." You not stating you're demanding anything from him. You are only stating what's important to you.

 

[sylver2]

Ummm did he say at the beginning that he was not looking for someone at that time and said they wanted only to have fun well that would have been a good reason for me to run does not matter what you do or say how you can clean or screw men are real simple you don't even have to read between the lines with this one.

If he says that he is not looking for someone right now or trust he is BUT YOU AIN'T the one so KIM realise it for what it is and it is up to you to make the decision if whether or not you want to continue a dating friendship with this person he told you where he stood take the hint.

exactly. its not like he lead her on. Im not going to front like I haven't been in a position like that. I have and thought that I COULD handle it...until I caught feelings . That situation showed me that I could never be in anything so casual again. and I will jet if I hear a man say something like that. won't even waste my time.

 

[sylver2]

I will admit, this was a tough thread to read because I've been Jenn. I agree with the rest of yall, closure is overrated. And no matter what he tells you, it's not going to satisfy you

so true........... :-/

 

[SuchMagnificent]

I would have liked to known what the reason was behind his decision..I dont know if I would have asked him, but I definitely would have thought about it a couple of times..Even though I think Im the ish, it could very well be some things relationship-wise I need to work on..And maybe he saw what those issues are, and quite possibly, the next man would see them too. I wanna be prepared,if I meet a potential mate I wanna make sure I got all my bases covered.

 

[virgo_chinwe]

I would have liked to known what the reason was behind his decision..I dont know if I would have asked him, but I definitely would have thought about it a couple of times..Even though I think Im the ish, it could very well be some things relationship-wise I need to work on..And maybe he saw what those issues are, and quite possibly, the next man would see them too. I wanna be prepared,if I meet a potential mate I wanna make sure I got all my bases covered.

I agree completely

 

[BeautifulFlower]

^^^I agree in a sense because I have been there before asking why not me...but here is the thing. It never helped.

Them telling me the problem and me simple learning myself make a big difference in my self improvement. If I take the time to evaluate my patterns and understand who I am, I can easily figure out what my "issues" are. Someone else telling me often led me to try harder to impress them or simply making temporary fixes to a deeper problem. If they tell you, you'll focus on that one thing when that one thing may not be a problem at all.

Its true what they say, one man's trash is another man's treasure. Just because it was a problem for him doesn't mean it will be a problem for others.

You have to decide for yourself what you want to change in yourself and not for a man. You have to want to change yourself because you personally know its a problem.

 

[TamedTresses]

Knowing the reason still doesn't help. We will just internalize it and begin to feel something is wrong with us. Or play "what if" scenarios in our head. Knowing doesn't = closure...