BeautifulFlower
Well-Known Member
WHY MEN DON'T WANT TO SETTLE
One of the most obvious areas in our community that need healing is in
the relationships between Black men and Black women. Currently there is
a basic distrust of brothers by Black women, and too many brothers
approach dealing with Black women with a "pimp or die" mentality.
Without further vilifying black men or victimizing black women I want to
attempt to shed some light on the inner workings of men as they deal
with women and how ultimately the interactions between the two are more
about a mans discovery with himself than about the relationship with the
woman.In the movie The Brothers, Jennifer Lewis (Morris Chestnut's mother)
makes the statement that a man doesn't even know himself until he knows
what kind of woman he wants. As I continue to grow, I understand that
statement more and more. Men have a tendency to define themselves
through externals rather than by their inner qualities.
Ask a man to tell you about himself and he will most likely begin by
telling you what he does, his occupation or his possessions. Of all of
the externals in a man's world, the thing that communicates the most
about him is his choice of a woman. That is not to say that the woman he
chooses will be just like him, but by looking at the woman he chooses to
complement himself with, you can understand a lot about what he values,
has to offer and even what he feels that he lacks.
Often times when a man
is discovering himself he will find himselfdealing with a variety of women simultaneously.
Each of these women willbe distinctively different from the next, but will represent
a differentpart of the man himself. Most will have one woman with whom they simply
have a good time with, she is almost like one of the boys and he has
little interest in developing a romantic relationship with her. He
probably will tell her the details of his dealings with other women to
get a "female's point of view".Then there is the one who to him is a "good girl" and represents what he
deems to be morally good and right. He will often go to her with his
problems and shortcomings because he knows that she will tell him the
truth about himself and his actions in an attempt to challenge him to
grow mentally and spiritually.
Lastly there will be his "freak girl". She is his proverbial booty call
and blows his mind in the bedroom. He has absolutely zero interest in
ever wanting anything deeper with her than sex (And in the most
convenient cases neither does she).
As he deals with these women and gets closer to some and further from
others, he is learning what he as a man values and wants to keep
permanent in his life.
So while in his conscious mind he may believe that he is trying to find'the right one' he is actually trying to find himself. As men travel
between what I call the searching stage to the commitment stage, thereare women who are bound to be left as casualties along the way.
Sometimes it is because there is lack of honesty and integrity from the
man, but many times it is due to a lack of understanding whether or not
the man that she is investing in is in the searching stage or settling
into the commitment stage.
An understanding of this by both the man, and women would help the
process quite a bit. Men must be responsible in communicating where he
is in his development, and women must not disparage the man because he
encountered her while he was in the searching stage rather than the
committing stage.The best barometer to determine which stage a man is in is his career.
If a man is not settled in his career, chances are he is not settled
overall and is not at the stage to commit to marriage.
Moreover I would also suggest that because of the responsibility that
the Bible places the man to be the provider, a man who is not settled in
a career is also not fit for marriage. Unfortunately there are an
increasing number of men who are being content allowing their women tobe the ones who provide and attain while they reap the benefits. A real
man however would never feel comfortable shacking up in his woman's
home, relying on his woman's vehicle as his means of transportation, or
being supported by her financially. He would rather struggle to work
while finishing school or starting his business and achieving and
attaining something for himself then present himself to her.
Women who have become desperate for companionship have lowered their
standards to think that supporting their man financially is acceptable
as long as he loves her in return.
However although most won't admit it,
when a woman is supporting a man, it affects her ability to respect him
and to feel secure with him. A real man would not be comfortable
attempting to commit to a relationship if he cannot offer the woman asense of stability. If he does then the relationship will be destined
for failure because her lack of respect for him will cause her to take
more of a motherly role than that of a companion.
A large part of a man's definition of his manhood is centered on being
able to maintain a consistent job and support himself and his family
financially. Some men go through great lengths to accomplish these goals
spending long hours at work or working on his start-up business;
oftentimes to the detriment of the relationships in the home that he istrying desperately to support.
Many women do not understand this and often nag their man for spending too much time at work. But to compete with a man's job, is to compete
with part of the essence of him, his definition of himself will cause
him to emotionally withdraw from her and eventually the relationship.
Until a man who is building his self-identity is able to duplicate that
mental image of a man is his own life, he is not comfortable with hisself-image. This insecurity makes will hinder his ability to effectively
and affectionately love the woman that he desires to be with. There are
too many women asking men to commit to a relationship with them before
they are able to do so. She would do well to allow the man to establish
himself until he is comfortable with his self-image before asking him to
give himself to her before he feels worthy to do so. Actually she should
require it.
As men it is our responsibility to be uncompromisingly open and honest
with the women in our lives. We must be honest about the type of man that we truly are, where we are in our development in life and what we
can and cannot offer her at that time. This begins by being honest withourselves.
We cannot live beneath our expectations of manhood and we must position
ourselves to provide for ourselves and our families. That means being
able to provide financially, emotionally and spiritually.
That is God's charge to us as men and nothing short of that is Acceptable
One of the most obvious areas in our community that need healing is in
the relationships between Black men and Black women. Currently there is
a basic distrust of brothers by Black women, and too many brothers
approach dealing with Black women with a "pimp or die" mentality.
Without further vilifying black men or victimizing black women I want to
attempt to shed some light on the inner workings of men as they deal
with women and how ultimately the interactions between the two are more
about a mans discovery with himself than about the relationship with the
woman.In the movie The Brothers, Jennifer Lewis (Morris Chestnut's mother)
makes the statement that a man doesn't even know himself until he knows
what kind of woman he wants. As I continue to grow, I understand that
statement more and more. Men have a tendency to define themselves
through externals rather than by their inner qualities.
Ask a man to tell you about himself and he will most likely begin by
telling you what he does, his occupation or his possessions. Of all of
the externals in a man's world, the thing that communicates the most
about him is his choice of a woman. That is not to say that the woman he
chooses will be just like him, but by looking at the woman he chooses to
complement himself with, you can understand a lot about what he values,
has to offer and even what he feels that he lacks.
Often times when a man
is discovering himself he will find himselfdealing with a variety of women simultaneously.
Each of these women willbe distinctively different from the next, but will represent
a differentpart of the man himself. Most will have one woman with whom they simply
have a good time with, she is almost like one of the boys and he has
little interest in developing a romantic relationship with her. He
probably will tell her the details of his dealings with other women to
get a "female's point of view".Then there is the one who to him is a "good girl" and represents what he
deems to be morally good and right. He will often go to her with his
problems and shortcomings because he knows that she will tell him the
truth about himself and his actions in an attempt to challenge him to
grow mentally and spiritually.
Lastly there will be his "freak girl". She is his proverbial booty call
and blows his mind in the bedroom. He has absolutely zero interest in
ever wanting anything deeper with her than sex (And in the most
convenient cases neither does she).
As he deals with these women and gets closer to some and further from
others, he is learning what he as a man values and wants to keep
permanent in his life.
So while in his conscious mind he may believe that he is trying to find'the right one' he is actually trying to find himself. As men travel
between what I call the searching stage to the commitment stage, thereare women who are bound to be left as casualties along the way.
Sometimes it is because there is lack of honesty and integrity from the
man, but many times it is due to a lack of understanding whether or not
the man that she is investing in is in the searching stage or settling
into the commitment stage.
An understanding of this by both the man, and women would help the
process quite a bit. Men must be responsible in communicating where he
is in his development, and women must not disparage the man because he
encountered her while he was in the searching stage rather than the
committing stage.The best barometer to determine which stage a man is in is his career.
If a man is not settled in his career, chances are he is not settled
overall and is not at the stage to commit to marriage.
Moreover I would also suggest that because of the responsibility that
the Bible places the man to be the provider, a man who is not settled in
a career is also not fit for marriage. Unfortunately there are an
increasing number of men who are being content allowing their women tobe the ones who provide and attain while they reap the benefits. A real
man however would never feel comfortable shacking up in his woman's
home, relying on his woman's vehicle as his means of transportation, or
being supported by her financially. He would rather struggle to work
while finishing school or starting his business and achieving and
attaining something for himself then present himself to her.
Women who have become desperate for companionship have lowered their
standards to think that supporting their man financially is acceptable
as long as he loves her in return.
However although most won't admit it,
when a woman is supporting a man, it affects her ability to respect him
and to feel secure with him. A real man would not be comfortable
attempting to commit to a relationship if he cannot offer the woman asense of stability. If he does then the relationship will be destined
for failure because her lack of respect for him will cause her to take
more of a motherly role than that of a companion.
A large part of a man's definition of his manhood is centered on being
able to maintain a consistent job and support himself and his family
financially. Some men go through great lengths to accomplish these goals
spending long hours at work or working on his start-up business;
oftentimes to the detriment of the relationships in the home that he istrying desperately to support.
Many women do not understand this and often nag their man for spending too much time at work. But to compete with a man's job, is to compete
with part of the essence of him, his definition of himself will cause
him to emotionally withdraw from her and eventually the relationship.
Until a man who is building his self-identity is able to duplicate that
mental image of a man is his own life, he is not comfortable with hisself-image. This insecurity makes will hinder his ability to effectively
and affectionately love the woman that he desires to be with. There are
too many women asking men to commit to a relationship with them before
they are able to do so. She would do well to allow the man to establish
himself until he is comfortable with his self-image before asking him to
give himself to her before he feels worthy to do so. Actually she should
require it.
As men it is our responsibility to be uncompromisingly open and honest
with the women in our lives. We must be honest about the type of man that we truly are, where we are in our development in life and what we
can and cannot offer her at that time. This begins by being honest withourselves.
We cannot live beneath our expectations of manhood and we must position
ourselves to provide for ourselves and our families. That means being
able to provide financially, emotionally and spiritually.
That is God's charge to us as men and nothing short of that is Acceptable
I know that I am working on my own personal growth and coming of age too and my journey is just as important as his. I am not a powerless bystander waiting for him to choose me and any man that I choose to be with has to recognize my worth and the power of growing together. 
Thats hilarious. You can change them. Dont let the secret out. It takes skill to do this. Most women havent developed it yet.
