Why is going after a man viewed as being...

[NaijaTroll]

I've approached a guy on the train, called I like out the blue got his number from a friend, considered traveling to a 3rd world country to meet a guy, confessed my feelings to male friends. All those things did not work unfortunately. but I will continue to approach a guy I see a

How embarrassing for you.

 

[gabulldawg]

maybe we have inadvertently found the answer to that seventy percent single riddle

erplexed IF you're implying that women are single because they don't approach men then I would have to say that you are mistaken. I didn't approach my husband. Hell, I didn't even give him an inviting smile or make any implication that I was interested in him at all!! He is a very shy, mild-mannered, and anxious guy, but he approached me anyway. I don't get why people think that women have to do all this EXTRA stuff to get a man.

 

[Etherealsmile]

Pursuing a man is showing "masculine energy". Generally speaking, men are turned of by masculine energy. Sure they might be intrigued for awhile but they'll become bored because you took away the thrill of the hunt.

Let men do what they do best: hunt

 

[mischka]

erplexed IF you're implying that women are single because they don't approach men then I would have to say that you are mistaken. I didn't approach my husband. Hell, I didn't even give him an inviting smile or make any implication that I was interested in him at all!! He is a very shy, mild-mannered, and anxious guy, but he approached me anyway. I don't get why people think that women have to do all this EXTRA stuff to get a man.

it was a joke. i don't know, and i don't really care. by the time i was 18 i had been hit on by enough men to probably last me my entire adult life. a man coming on to me is not a thrill to me.

 

[Etherealsmile]

I've approached a guy on the train, called I like out the blue got his number from a friend, considered traveling to a 3rd world country to meet a guy, confessed my feelings to male friends. All those things did not work unfortunately. but I will continue to approach a guy I see and I really want to talk to it does not hurt to try. It does not matter what it takes I just want to make sure they know I'm interested. After rejection I back off unless I feel there's still hope I'll keep in contact with them. Men are always changing their mind so there's always hope if they are single I think.

The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

If this method has not worked for you in the past, why are you still using it?erplexed

 

[snillohsss]

What is this hunting business, we are not animals. I just can't with that kind of logic. I see too many women grabbing fine looking men and they made the first move. The only way I would wait is if I had suitors breaking down my door, if not I need to step to the plate.

well then by all means don't mind me! Keep making the first move and go after your man.

I have a quick question for you--

Have you managed to nab a suitor yet by stepping up to the plate and taking on the role of initiator?

 

[snillohsss]

How embarrassing for you.

..................

 

[SaNyjh]

I don't think it's anything wrong with letting a guy know you're interested. It's they way some women go about it that makes them seem desperate. You shouldn't have to do too much or be aggressive. We're talking about men here. If you have to constantly be all up in a mans face, making the convo, finding ways to touch hug or lean on him and he ain't said too much of nothing to you. Then, he don't want you.

Just about every guy I showed interest in ending up approaching me. To me that's a must. When you let the guy come to you, you get a chance to see him in rare form. He's a little nervous, charismatic, INTERESTED, more open. He wants to impress you, he wants you to like him. It's sweet.

I'll always remember how my SO let me know he was interested. We still talk about it, it's been 7 years.

 

[MzLady78]

IME, when you pursue a man, he may be responsive but you will find yourself constantly being the initiator. Why? Because he's not that into you. An opportunity presented itself and he took it, most likely because he's figuring he can get what he wants without putting in much effort.

 

[WhoIAm]

There are ways to gauge whether a man is interested in you without forcing his hand. If he likes it, he'll go after it or he's not worth it.

Most men would be flattered and will not reject a woman who goes after him. The problem is some of them will string a woman along long enough to bed her, even though he knew damn well he wasn't interested in her to begin with.

I think when you enter into a relationship as the aggressor (so to speak), that sets a precedent. The woman will always have to be the initiator. How would one step back from that?

 

[Precious_P]

I have had a lot of male friends and many of them (including my DH) don't have a problem with a woman approaching them and voicing an interest. I made it known to my husband when we were frinds (14 years ago) that I was interested. He is a nice looking man with a wonderful personality and he had woman approaching him all the time. If I had waited for him to appraoch I would have missed the bus on this one. He still says to this day that he was very attracted to my willingness to make my feelings known to him.

Some may automatically assume that I was agressive and unlady-like but, that wasn't the case at all. Approaching a man doesn't make you desperate. I had other guys voicing an interest in me and I wasn't hunting for a man at the time, so there was no desperation in my actions.

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[Menina Preta]

I have had a lot of male friends and many of them (including my DH) don't have a problem with a woman approaching them and voicing an interest. I made it known to my husband when we were frinds (14 years ago) that I was interested. He is a nice looking man with a wonderful personality and he had woman approaching him all the time. If I had waited for him to appraoch I would have missed the bus on this one. He still says to this day that he was very attracted to my willingness to make my feelings known to him.

Some may automatically assume that I was agressive and unlady-like but, that wasn't the case at all. Approaching a man doesn't make you desperate. I had other guys voicing an interest in me and I wasn't hunting for a man at the time, so there was no desperation in my actions.

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I'm glad you and your DH worked out . However, perhaps I'm wrong or extrapolating too much, but it seems like you approaching your now hubby wasn't something you routinely did with other men. Whereas with the OP, it seems she has approached men several times (including male friends...plural) and it has yet to work out. To me, that suggests that this technique has not worked for her and perhaps she should stop making her feelings plainly known to these men.

To OP, thanks for posting and being honest with what you've done in the past. I'm not trying to belittle or tease you, but honestly I think perhaps you should try to let them come to you. Be inviting, warm, and open, and available, but let the guy make the first major move (i.e. asking for a phone number or for a date). I think things will work out better in the future for you if you try that approach for a few months.

 

[ambergirl]

I don't think women who make the first move with a man are desperate at all. It's because in my experience it doesn't work..as in giving guys uninvited phone numbers, asking them out, etc. Does. not. work. (most of the time) if you're looking for a long term, committed, respectful relationship.

What works is making it obvious that you're interested so that the guy will get the hint and take the leap.

 

[LovelyRo]

I firmly believe that a man should approach a woman. I have no problem being friendly with a guy and offering subtle hints if I'm interested but, I would never approach a man. Men like the chase and I would not want to take that aspect from them... plus, it's kinda fun for me too.

I was out with one of my friends about a month ago and she asked me was this guy cute, I said yeah he's cute and before I could finish saying cute she was on the other side of the bar talking to him... I was in shock. Later on she found out he had a GF... ETA can you really be mad at him? It wasn't like he approached her and I'm sure he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

 

[Mai Tai]

OP...I think you are confusing "showing interest" with "going after a man." They are not the same and what you are doing is not showing interest...You are straight up chasing.

There is nothing wrong with smiling, initiating conversations, giving compliments, and mild flirting to show you are interested, but for most women that's where it ends. If a man hasn't picked up on your hints and taken charge then he does not want you.

Yes he may change his mind...and in the event of that, it's up to HIM to express interest... NOT up to you to hang around until he does so.

Desperation is never a good look. Never has been ad it never will be. You need to RUN from any man that responds positively to desperation.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

If this method has not worked for you in the past, why are you still using it?erplexed

I have not dated too many men and the ones i dated did approach me but they were not what i was looking for. this method will work but I have to do it more often. Sometimes I'm nervous but I have nothing to lose at my age. Either that or I continue waiting as time passes me by.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

How embarrassing for you.

Actually not embarrassed at all because I am still friends with these people so it does not matter. Btw it did not work cause these people were already taken, I did not know except for 1 friend who was leaving to go to the navy and he expressed his love for me as well but knew he was leaving. I don't regret any of my actions.

 

[anon123]

I wouldn't think much was wrong with it, really, if it worked. But I don't think it does. Maybe there should be a spin-off: Did you approach a guy and you two end up together?

 

[Skyfall]

I see nothing wrong with smiling first, initiating conversation, but I won't ask a guy for his number.

 

[MissMasala5]

Welllllll... It worked for Kate!

 

[metro_qt]

I've approached a guy on the train, called I like out the blue got his number from a friend, considered traveling to a 3rd world country to meet a guy, confessed my feelings to male friends. All those things did not work unfortunately. but I will continue to approach a guy I see and I really want to talk to it does not hurt to try. It does not matter what it takes I just want to make sure they know I'm interested. After rejection I back off unless I feel there's still hope I'll keep in contact with them. Men are always changing their mind so there's always hope if they are single I think.

So, after you've been rejected, you're willing to settle and be some man's afterthought?
for real?

There are men out there who see you once, and make the appropriate steps to come and get you. No matter what it takes.
Biologically, this is how males have been programed,
and this is why you shouldn't make the first move.

(the first move being asking him out etc. If he's *available AND interested* in you, he'll come after you... point blank.)

 

[aribell]

I don't think approching a man makes a woman desperate. But I think that women who feel desperate are going to be more tempted to go after men. And if you start a relationship on the basis of not being able to handle being single and essentially communicating that you want him more than he wants you and that you're OK with that, then that's the dynamic that will likely characterize the rest of the relationship.

Also, I think that a lot of women express interest in men just naturally being themselves, but still it ends up being construed by men as desperation or that they will have the upper hand--even if that is not the case. It's an ego boost for men to interpret a woman's pursuit in a way that most favors him, regardless of whether that interpretation is accurate.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Yea, i think in the black culture, we are taught that the man should be the one to ask you out on a date, and that the man should approach the woman. From my observations, when i go to the predominately white bars, many times the white women are approaching the men. I was reading an article that was entitled "Do white women approach men better than black women." Also, you always hear how Caucasian women go after succesful black men and black athletes. I guess other races of women are taught to go after the man who they want. I guess it gets them somewhere seeing how 70% of them are married. I wonder if we were taught to go after men more, if many of us would still be single.

I wouldn't lump Hispanic and Asian women in with white women. The way I see it, men are programmed to hunt and pursue. Men do better when they pursue and compete, if necessary. If that's taken away they lose interest. I don't think this is the reason for the lack of marriage in the black community though.

If a man really wants a woman, he will go after her. Plain and simple.

 

[CarLiTa]

For the ladies who think that they *should* go after a man, what do you consider to be the alternative??

Is it: looking like a sourpuss at events, post up on the wall in a corner hoping someone takes notice and come over?

There are much better alternatives that spare you the sourpuss-in-the-corner-experience, the embarrassment of pursuing a guy outright, and they are stated right in this thread.

Give a genuine smile, a coy smile, laugh your head off, have fun, be happy, dance, sit in the center of the room, where the popular people get noticed make eyes at a guy, give him a gentle compliment, ask him an open-ended question.

 

[Mai Tai]

For the ladies who think that they *should* go after a man, what do you consider to be the alternative??

Is it: looking like a sourpuss at events, post up on the wall in a corner hoping someone takes notice and come over?

There are much better alternatives that spare you the sourpuss-in-the-corner-experience, the embarrassment of pursuing a guy outright, and they are stated right in this thread.

Give a genuine smile, a coy smile, laugh your head off, have fun, be happy, dance, sit in the center of the room, where the popular people get noticed make eyes at a guy, give him a gentle compliment, ask him an open-ended question.

This is very similar to what I do when I go out and I have YET to ask a man for his number. Now discussion on the quality of men that approach me is a whole 'nother thread...

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

Welllllll... It worked for Kate!

Girl AND on top of it...homegirl sort of "stalked" him by "coincidentally" going to the same school as him too . She knew what she was doing. Not gonna lie, but I respect her gangsta!!! Cinderella also didn't "wait" on prince chraming either.

I'm on the fence about this issue. In the past I've approached men. On one occasion I did tell him that I liked him and I found out he liked me, too, but he did have a gf. And no he wasn't lying...he really did have one.

But on the other hand, I liked to be pursued. A lot of the ladies that said give subtle hints but don't go in for the kill are correct as well. If a guy can't read threw those subtle hints he's as dumb as a pile of rocks.

IME both experience have worked for me. I guess it depends on the man. I personally don't have a problem approaching a man. Not sure if i'm bold enough to do the Kate Middleton route but if I could I would.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Homo Sapiens are part of the animal kingdom so in essence, yes we too are animals thus driven by instinct to some extent.

Going after a man is a bad idea. Now I don't see anything wrong with letting him know subtly that you are interested.

I will say this though, when DH and I first reconnected I came on to him (since I was just look for a FWB ). When I became interested in more, I fell back and allowed him to take to lead (well he realized what I was doing and told me to fall back )

@LundaMiel - you broke that down for a sista didn't u.....go girl! You are right....

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I feel there would be less single women around if pride did not get in their way. You see someone you like go for it! Don't listen to others telling you will look like a fool.

-Well, if that were true, then a LOT of women in the 1950's would have been single, because most women back then did NOT pursue/chase men at all. In fact, doing simple things like "TEXTING" a guy (if there were such a thing) or coming up to him first would have seemed scandalous and risquee for a woman to do that back then .

I've been in situations I wanted to make my feelings known to a guy and due to friends advice I don't cause I think it will make me look desperate, next thing you know that guy gets snatched up!

-Trust me, a guy can't get "snatched up" if he doesn't want to. If he's getting "snatched up", it could be because the guy (unbeknownst to you) already had somewhat of an interest in the woman to begin with.

I don't think feeling desperate is a bad thing

-Well....feeling desperate IS a bad thing imo. Plus, most women advise against pursuing a man simply because IT.DOES.NOT.WORK. period. Plus, how do you know that when you pursue him, that he really likes YOU? Trust me, I've been in this situation before, and nothing feels worse than unrequited love.

I've approached a guy on the train, called I like out the blue got his number from a friend, considered traveling to a 3rd world country to meet a guy, confessed my feelings to male friends. All those things did not work unfortunately. but I will continue to approach a guy I see and I really want to talk to it does not hurt to try.

It does not matter what it takes I just want to make sure they know I'm interested. After rejection I back off unless I feel there's still hope I'll keep in contact with them. Men are always changing their mind so there's always hope if they are single I think.

TRUST ME...it does NOT take much for a man to "think" that you're interested. ESPECIALLY if he's already interested in you. I've known guys who thought I was interested in them, and I didn't do anything really. I just smiled and was always friendly! Yet, they swore that I must have had an interest in them. Go figure. So trust me, if a man is interested in you...you will NOT have to do much in order to give him the "signal" that you're interested.

So yeah, if he hasn't gotten the "hint" yet, then he's more than likely not that interested. Most men will go after what they want especially if the woman seems friendly, open and engaging. You don't have to ask for his number, ask him out, or chase him down in order for him to know that you're interested. IF you have to do these things, it's more likely that he's NOT interested.

OP, you should check out this thread I made a while ago discussing a book entitled: "The Rules". A lot of what's in that book can be viewed as pure "fluff" and should always be taken with a grain of salt, but let me tell you...SOME of what's in that book is actually really true about men. And if you read the various responses from many women in that thread, you'll see that the majority stated that chasing a man did NOT work for them. I'm not saying it doesn't work (because obviously it works for SOME women), but I would err on the side of caution and recognize that chasing usually doesn't work for women.

Girl AND on top of it...homegirl sort of "stalked" him by "coincidentally" going to the same school as him too . She knew what she was doing. Not gonna lie, but I respect her gangsta!!! Cinderella also didn't "wait" on prince chraming either.

Am I missing something? How did Kate chase after Prince William? I didn't know that bit of news!

 

[karebear0610]

I don't see any harm in going after a man. What is the worst thing that could happen? They either accept a date or not. Its not about chasing or being desperate. If the man turns you down and you still continue to ask him out then that is desperate. There is nothing wrong with casually asking a man out to drinks or getting his number.

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

Am I missing something? How did Kate chase after Prince William? I didn't know that bit of news! [/QUOTE]

Crystalicequeen123 I was watching those royalty specials that they run and in one of them they said that She would "strategically" put herself in the areas that he was in. I know one of them was at a some sort of expedition trip in another country. Another one was the school. She sort of "stalked" him.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying stalking is a good idea. I'm just saying that she so happen to always be where he was....