Why is going after a man viewed as being...

[Kinkyhairlady]

desperate? I've noticed this is looked down on and folks are ready to call a lady desperate just cause she tries to get herself a man by being the initiator. I feel there would be less single women around if pride did not get in their way. You see someone you like go for it! Don't listen to others telling you will look like a fool. I've been in situations I wanted to make my feelings known to a guy and due to friends advice I don't cause I think it will make me look desperate, next thing you know that guy gets snatched up! I don't think feeling desperate is a bad thing, we are humans so what if you go after what you so desperately want. Everyone calling you desperate will feel salted when you are living the picture perfect life cause you were not afraid. I've decided to swallow some of my pride and start making moves, yes I may be rejected but it won't be the end of the world and someone is bound to return the feelings.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

Try it and let us know how it works out!

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Cause if a man wants you, you don't have to go after HIM. HE will come after YOU.

 

[mischka]

Well, because everyone thinks if a guy really wants you he will chase you and if he is not chasing you then he isn't interested.

I will initiate but only to a certain extent. Things like initiating conversation, flirting, hitting on him, and hinting that I am interested. I very rarely come right out and ask a guy out in real life - that's something I'll do only if I'm pretty sure he's interested. I will do it more readily on an online dating site just to move things along because I feel if he contacted me first it has already been established that he is interested. Irl, if I hit on a guy a few times in reasonably obvious ways and he doesn't respond, I figure he isn't interested and hang it up.

I'm not one to sit back and do nothing when I am interested in a guy. It is rare for me to really like a guy, so I can't let that opportunity pass without at least trying, even if it means risking rejection. But I won't flat out chase a guy. I don't think it's always the case that a guy wants you, he zeros in on you, and then he chases you down. I think sometimes a guy may need some gentle nudging to know that you are interested, or that he may not have really considered it until after he sees you are interested in him.

What's your idea of initiating and going after a guy?

 

[lesedi]

It feels good to be chased. Let him do it.
If he is not prepared to do that, I start to question the intensity of his 'like' for you.

 

[mstar]

A. Feeling desperate IS a bad thing

B. I want a man who knows how to take charge and initiate

C. I've never approached a man in my life. If I'm interested in him, he always comes to me. I'm in touch with my feminine power enough to get what I want without having to hustle for it in an un-ladylike way.

 

[lesedi]

Try it and let us know how it works out!

 

[gabulldawg]

Cause if a man wants you, you don't have to go after HIM. HE will come after YOU.

Thank you! Other women tell you that it looks desperate because that's usually how it looks to a man. If he wants you he will come to you, no matter how shy or nervous or quiet or anxious he is! I've known women to approach men and it never goes well. The man usually sees it as an opportunity to use the woman, whether he's interested in her or not. He knows the ball is basically in his court.

Of course there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule, but they are just that. EXCEPTIONS.

 

[lesedi]

^^^^^ is that your baby in your siggy??
BEAUTIFUL little chubby thing

I remember your other siggy of your LO, and she was adorable then too. She honestly is one of the cutest babies I have ever seen

 

[SweetTea]

Do what works for you, OP. I don't think "going after a man" means you're doing all the work and the only one interested in a relationship. The same ones who would call you desperate are probably the same ones standing around for years, waiting for prince charming to just fall into their laps and wondering why he won't just appear already. Do you.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I've approached a guy on the train, called I like out the blue got his number from a friend, considered traveling to a 3rd world country to meet a guy, confessed my feelings to male friends. All those things did not work unfortunately. but I will continue to approach a guy I see and I really want to talk to it does not hurt to try. It does not matter what it takes I just want to make sure they know I'm interested. After rejection I back off unless I feel there's still hope I'll keep in contact with them. Men are always changing their mind so there's always hope if they are single I think.

 

[gabulldawg]

^^^^^ is that your baby in your siggy??
BEAUTIFUL little chubby thing

I remember your other siggy of your LO, and she was adorable then too. She honestly is one of the cutest babies I have ever seen

Thanks!! Yep that's my little one. You're too sweet.

 

[mischka]

I once worked with this guy that I thought was so gorgeous. He had pretty curly hair, lovely skin, and delicate clear eyes. I had never talked to him before but one day I did and I stopped and looked at him and I was like WHOA. I wanted a piece of that

But very quickly, I found out he had a girlfriend. It only took about a week or so after that for me to stop being interested in him, especially since I think co-workers told him I was, and I felt that he was kind of smug about it. So I dropped him like a hot potato and started talking to him and behaving around him like anyone else. THEN he started acting as if he was interested.

I seriously considered for a while making an overt pass (physical) at him just to see what would happen. The opportunity was THERE. He could only go for it or turn me down and it was so exciting to think well... what if it worked? I started telling myself sh8t like, THESE ARE THE MOMENTS THAT MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING you know, this is the illicit, exciting sh8t that you look back on fondly and be glad that you lived the life you wanted. Ultimately, though, I never went for it. I was glad that he had a girlfriend because then I had a reason for chickening out.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Thank you! Other women tell you that it looks desperate because that's usually how it looks to a man. If he wants you he will come to you, no matter how shy or nervous or quiet or anxious he is! I've known women to approach men and it never goes well. The man usually sees it as an opportunity to use the woman, whether he's interested in her or not. He knows the ball is basically in his court.

Of course there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule, but they are just that. EXCEPTIONS.

See this is what I mean. Not all men look at it as desperate, maybe you are not what he usually goes for but if you introduce yourself and you start talking maybe things might work out. It's that mentality that keeps some woman single, the guy is human too, there is no rule that says he must approach you .

 

[mischka]

I've approached a guy on the train, called I like out the blue got his number from a friend, considered traveling to a 3rd world country to meet a guy, confessed my feelings to male friends. All those things did not work unfortunately. but I will continue to approach a guy I see and I really want to talk to it does not hurt to try. It does not matter what it takes I just want to make sure they know I'm interested. After rejection I back off unless I feel there's still hope I'll keep in contact with them. Men are always changing their mind so there's always hope if they are single I think.

I agree with you for the most part, that it's better to just GO FOR IT even if it may mean rejection but errrrm after you tell me no, that's it for you, don't want nothing else to do withcha, run along

 

[snillohsss]

It is in a mans nature to hunt. If a woman can't allow a man to express this natural tendency then it can misconstrued as "desperate".

Overall if a man is interested he will pursue you. A woman shouldn't have to do anything other than flashing a man an inviting smile to kick his natural tendency in gear----that is if he interested.

 

[mischka]

maybe we have inadvertently found the answer to that seventy percent single riddle

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

I think that when a woman approaches a man it takes away a lot of the work for him.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

It is in a mans nature to hunt. If a woman can't allow a man to express this natural tendency then it can misconstrued as "desperate".

Overall if a man is interested he will pursue you. A woman shouldn't have to do anything other than flashing a man an inviting smile to kick his natural tendency in gear----that is if he interested.

What is this hunting business, we are not animals. I just can't with that kind of logic. I see too many women grabbing fine looking men and they made the first move. The only way I would wait is if I had suitors breaking down my door, if not I need to step to the plate.

 

[CarmelCupcake]

Yea, i think in the black culture, we are taught that the man should be the one to ask you out on a date, and that the man should approach the woman. From my observations, when i go to the predominately white bars, many times the white women are approaching the men. I was reading an article that was entitled "Do white women approach men better than black women." Also, you always hear how Caucasian women go after succesful black men and black athletes. I guess other races of women are taught to go after the man who they want. I guess it gets them somewhere seeing how 70% of them are married. I wonder if we were taught to go after men more, if many of us would still be single.

 

[mischka]

Yea, i think in the black culture, we are taught that the man should be the one to ask you out on a date, and that the man should approach the woman. From my observations, when i go to the predominately white bars, many times the white women are approaching the men. I was reading an article that was entitled "Do white women approach men better than black women." Also, you always hear how Caucasian women go after succesful black men and black athletes. I guess other races of women are taught to go after the man who they want. I guess it gets them somewhere seeing how 70% of them are married. I wonder if we were taught to go after men more, if many of us would still be single.

I wonder if it also has something to do with us being used to black dudes who WILL hunt you down and all but stalk you in the damn street whereas that is not acceptable in most other cultures.

 

[Menina Preta]

I've approached a guy on the train, called I like out the blue got his number from a friend, considered traveling to a 3rd world country to meet a guy, confessed my feelings to male friends. All those things did not work unfortunately. but I will continue to approach a guy I see and I really want to talk to it does not hurt to try. It does not matter what it takes I just want to make sure they know I'm interested. After rejection I back off unless I feel there's still hope I'll keep in contact with them. Men are always changing their mind so there's always hope if they are single I think.

No offense, OP, but to me that's doing too much.

I have no problems striking up conversation with a guy if I'm attracted to him or complimenting him or giving strong-ish hints that I want to get to know him, but still though you really should let the guy do the vast majority of the work.

Men are more primal than women, and they need that feel of the chase to feel satisfied and content with their decision to be with you.

 

[Menina Preta]

What is this hunting business, we are not animals. I just can't with that kind of logic. I see too many women grabbing fine looking men and they made the first move. The only way I would wait is if I had suitors breaking down my door, if not I need to step to the plate.

A first move to me is smiling at him from across the room, complimenting his outfit, making a joke, casually bumping into him to get him to dance with you, striking up a conversation, etc. There's nothing wrong with that and you net good results some times.

However, telling a man straight out "I like you and I want to get to know you" is a bad idea IMO. That's too aggressive.

 

[CarmelCupcake]

I wonder if it also has something to do with us being used to black dudes who WILL hunt you down and all but stalk you in the damn street whereas that is not acceptable in most other cultures.

Maybe so. But i was thinking it must be somewhat acceptable if there are so many interracial couples because im sure the black men sometimes meet their interracial girlfriends by hunting them down and stalking them in the streets.

 

[LunadeMiel]

What is this hunting business, we are not animals. I just can't with that kind of logic. I see too many women grabbing fine looking men and they made the first move. The only way I would wait is if I had suitors breaking down my door, if not I need to step to the plate.

Homo Sapiens are part of the animal kingdom so in essence, yes we too are animals thus driven by instinct to some extent.

Going after a man is a bad idea. Now I don't see anything wrong with letting him know subtly that you are interested.

I will say this though, when DH and I first reconnected I came on to him (since I was just look for a FWB ). When I became interested in more, I fell back and allowed him to take to lead (well he realized what I was doing and told me to fall back )

 

[mischka]

I'm sure it works sometimes, but I don't like it, and I'm sure the majority of women who are used to men acting differently probably don't like it either.

 

[qchelle]

lmao! @ "Hunt you down and stalk you in the streets" Idk why but that was really funny to me!

 

[LunadeMiel]

A first move to me is smiling at him from across the room, complimenting his outfit, making a joke, casually bumping into him to get him to dance with you, striking up a conversation, etc. There's nothing wrong with that and you net good results some times.

However, telling a man straight out "I like you and I want to get to know you" is a bad idea IMO. That's too aggressive.

The above were my preferred my methods. If a man is interested he will take it from there

 

[Dee Raven]

I think that's great OP. I feel the same way, I've let too many good ones pass me by because of friends and their opinions. No more. Approaching a guy doesn't have to be this over thing like "Hey, baby, what's your sign." It can be way more subtle, just starting a conversation. And even if the relationship does turn into anything promising, you could still make a good friend. You never know.

 

[NaijaTroll]

What is this hunting business, we are not animals.

Yes we are.