Why does it seem to take a lot of American Black men longer to get married?

[Bun Mistress]

I just read through some of the new comments and what to ad some insite.
My parents married at 21 (dad) and 18. My Dad was the first man to grad for college in either fam and they moved to "the city" and started a life together. He worked his way up, had a fam, (my and big sis) and made sure we went to college grad school adn had a career.
All this to say that he made SURE we didn't marry til after grad school. He had been tell me since I was is college that I was not going to get married til then (when he knew this would mean 26 if I was on tract and married the day I graduated, which now, I'm still single).
All this to say, maybe some of it is the mentality of the society. Dad marries my Mom at barely 18 but his little girls need an established career. I see idea more in the established black communities (or ones that are trying to be using others as their example), as well as my Asian friends, in which they also have to finish school. And I'm glad I did b/c getting side tracked is easy. The majority (if only) peeps I know that got married in grad school where YT peeps.

The distrubing thing is the guys that finish and feel like they want to "play or sow there oats" GTFOOHWTS. They weren'y Pointdexter in college, they were the same Frat guys going to games and parties that we were. I think you have to face it that those men are immature. I dated such a guy 10 years older than men, well establish MD and a big kid! Still took me forever to realized it. I think he is still single and playing around at 40 or close to it.

Off topic. How did the Cosby's destroy AA culture?? A functional family. And house of Payne with the cracked out mother and sone with a baby moma and a GF on the side is supposed to be reality? I remember sitting down as a family every Thursday to watch that together. SYes it was a little campy but it also showed BP doing something for themselves (probably why I'm a doctor today!)

 

[Kurlee]

I just read through some of the new comments and what to ad some insite.
My parents married at 21 (dad) and 18. My Dad was the first man to grad for college in either fam and they moved to "the city" and started a life together. He worked his way up, had a fam, (my and big sis) and made sure we went to college grad school adn had a career.
All this to say that he made SURE we didn't marry til after grad school. He had been tell me since I was is college that I was not going to get married til then (when he knew this would mean 26 if I was on tract and married the day I graduated, which now, I'm still single).
All this to say, maybe some of it is the mentality of the society. Dad marries my Mom at barely 18 but his little girls need an established career. I see idea more in the established black communities (or ones that are trying to be using others as their example), as well as my Asian friends, in which they also have to finish school. And I'm glad I did b/c getting side tracked is easy. The majority (if only) peeps I know that got married in grad school where YT peeps.

The distrubing thing is the guys that finish and feel like they want to "play or sow there oats" GTFOOHWTS. They weren'y Pointdexter in college, they were the same Frat guys going to games and parties that we were. I think you have to face it that those men are immature. I dated such a guy 10 years older than men, well establish MD and a big kid! Still took me forever to realized it. I think he is still single and playing around at 40 or close to it.

Off topic. How did the Cosby's destroy AA culture?? A functional family. And house of Payne with the cracked out mother and sone with a baby moma and a GF on the side is supposed to be reality? I remember sitting down as a family every Thursday to watch that together. SYes it was a little campy but it also showed BP doing something for themselves (probably why I'm a doctor today!)

I think Cosby did a job of showing a functional upper class. Not all black people are doom and gloom and looking for the next meal.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

Bump Bump Bump

 

[Love Always]

What did Mike say?

Because I'm tired of reading responses from all women about a subject that is questioning the motive of men, I've decided that I'm going to have a couple of men friends view this thread and ask them to type a respond so that I can post it. Matter of fact, I already asked my friend Mike (from that LHCF hook up thread, memba that?) and he said he would do it.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

What did Mike say?

He had me bump this so that he can read it on his lunch break. He's been so busy so I cant be mad at him but he's going to post under my name in his own words.


wish he would hurry up (yes you )

 

[Love Always]

Awesome, looking forward to his response.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

Hello ladies,

My name is Mike. My friend, whose account I am using, asked me to weigh in on the issue since there were no men in the forum to speak from our point of view. Some of you may be familiar with me as my friend shared my information some months ago I believe. I really hate to do this -most men don't open up or share their struggles- but I am a man of my word, so here goes.

Brief Biography: I am 31 y/o single, never-married black man with no children. I was born, raised, and currently residing in Detroit, Michigan. I was brought up in a middle-class, Christian home with both working parents. I attended both private and public schools and finished my undergrad with a degree in Journalism. I am currently finishing coursework toward my MBA in marketing. I consider myself a in middle-class income bracket with good, but not perfect credit. I consider myself a regular, easy-going guy. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the pleasure of a long-term relationship but I am looking forward to the experience.

I share this first to give you an idea of who I am to frame my response. Before I begin, I have to share that not read all the comments in this thread due to my own time constraints, so forgive me. I cannot speak for all black men, only for myself. This post is my personal admissions and observations of my experience (I’ll attempt to be brief).

Background: While teenagers a few friends and I pledged to get married at 25 and be in each others’ weddings. They are married, I am still single. Our paths were very different. One was already established as he worked his father’s business that he would soon inherit, he married a young lady we knew in church. The other friend was raised in a well to do family, and was a scholar that fell in love with an Asian woman he met in medical school who he soon married. I was not established with old money or a scholar, just a regular guy. Although I was blessed to live with both parents still married growing up and lived in a decent neighborhood without much of crime. I did and still do date; I have had two relationships in my adult life. Short lived disappointing experiences- one for eight-months, the other for four. Both ended with the woman cheating on me. The last woman actually married the man she cheated on me with.

Here are things that factored into my trepidation:

1. I was raised to believe that men have to lead, provide and protect the family. Therefore, based on my situation I was convinced I was not ready because financially, spiritually and vocationally I was not where I needed to be as a single man. Unlike my friends, my journey had a few challenges along the way. I might be better off than many, but I have not met the standards set within the circles I was raised. I don't/didn't feel I measure(d) up.

2. I have been diagnosed with “nice guy” syndrome, as I call it and have constantly have been banished to the “friend box”. I have always been the accommodating gentleman that I was raised to be, however that has been taken for granted all too often. Oftentimes I was looked over for those same thugs, losers, low-lifes that many of you mentioned in your comments. I’ve been called “lame” and “boring” all the while those same women who called me these names are getting beat on, cheated on and stolen from the men they adore, AND KEEP GOING BACK TO THEM! I attribute this to black women being just as shallow as they claim men to be, chasing money and status. Whatever the case, this led me to some heartbreak, confusion and frustration.

3. After 27 years of marriage, my parents eventually divorced, leaving no one in my extended family married. Financial hardship, lack of communication, and the infamous blame game all weighed on their hearts until they finally lost love for each other. This change was a hurtful experience for me and my siblings. Although this occurred well into adulthood, it negatively affected my outlook and perspective on my ability to be a good husband.

4. I am convinced that in your 20's you are still learning the adult you and have not fully developed yourself. I have friends who have married in their 20's and have since then divorced over petty things that reminded me of high school. The strange thing is many of the women in those failed marriages were the cheaters!

You can’t change who you are, but you can learn from your mistakes and grow from them. Of these situations I’ve learned a bit. But it’s not just me. I have encountered many grown women still chasing men with money -mostly dope boys- rather than encouraging and supporting (not financially) good honest men with good dreams.

FYI- There are a lot of good black men left, but they are under appreciated, taken for granted and mistreated early on. I have many friends who have been dealing with the same thing I have, for years.

I admit, I should have more confidence in myself, but these experiences have made it difficult and distorted my view. Instead of brushing it off and keeping it moving, I was dealing in despair.

However, I haven't given up, I'm just a bit slower to "jump in". I see "red flags" in women just as women see in men and I step away from those situations. Men protect their hearts by beings guarded, cryptic and closed up. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, so it was tired, torn.

These are MY REASONS and my challenges. Most men won’t admit their hurt so they hide it, run from it or transfer that pain to others who don't love themselves enough to refuse and reject their mistreatment (hurt people hurt people). There are evil, selfish people who use and abuse people by lying, cheating and stealing; but for the rest of us, we are simple misunderstood. It isn’t that we are afraid of commitment; sometimes we are afraid of failure and rejection as I have been for most of my adult life.

 

[ThickHair]

A 30-year-old woman and a 50-something man? Wow. That's like dating your dad, seriously. If you are young, attractive and full of life, why would you settle for someone who's about to retire and has physical limitations? Who wants a broke down man?

Not all old men are broke down. Wow, what a sterotype.

 

[Kurlee]

Hello ladies,

My name is Mike. My friend, whose account I am using, asked me to weigh in on the issue since there were no men in the forum to speak from our point of view. Some of you may be familiar with me as my friend shared my information some months ago I believe. I really hate to do this -most men don't open up or share their struggles- but I am a man of my word, so here goes.

Brief Biography: I am 31 y/o single, never-married black man with no children. I was born, raised, and currently residing in Detroit, Michigan. I was brought up in a middle-class, Christian home with both working parents. I attended both private and public schools and finished my undergrad with a degree in Journalism. I am currently finishing coursework toward my MBA in marketing. I consider myself a in middle-class income bracket with good, but not perfect credit. I consider myself a regular, easy-going guy. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the pleasure of a long-term relationship but I am looking forward to the experience.

I share this first to give you an idea of who I am to frame my response. Before I begin, I have to share that not read all the comments in this thread due to my own time constraints, so forgive me. I cannot speak for all black men, only for myself. This post is my personal admissions and observations of my experience (I’ll attempt to be brief).

Background: While teenagers a few friends and I pledged to get married at 25 and be in each others’ weddings. They are married, I am still single. Our paths were very different. One was already established as he worked his father’s business that he would soon inherit, he married a young lady we knew in church. The other friend was raised in a well to do family, and was a scholar that fell in love with an Asian woman he met in medical school who he soon married. I was not established with old money or a scholar, just a regular guy. Although I was blessed to live with both parents still married growing up and lived in a decent neighborhood without much of crime. I did and still do date; I have had two relationships in my adult life. Short lived disappointing experiences- one for eight-months, the other for four. Both ended with the woman cheating on me. The last woman actually married the man she cheated on me with.

Here are things that factored into my trepidation:

1. I was raised to believe that men have to lead, provide and protect the family. Therefore, based on my situation I was convinced I was not ready because financially, spiritually and vocationally I was not where I needed to be as a single man. Unlike my friends, my journey had a few challenges along the way. I might be better off than many, but I have not met the standards set within the circles I was raised. I don't/didn't feel I measure(d) up.

2. I have been diagnosed with “nice guy” syndrome, as I call it and have constantly have been banished to the “friend box”. I have always been the accommodating gentleman that I was raised to be, however that has been taken for granted all too often. Oftentimes I was looked over for those same thugs, losers, low-lifes that many of you mentioned in your comments. I’ve been called “lame” and “boring” all the while those same women who called me these names are getting beat on, cheated on and stolen from the men they adore, AND KEEP GOING BACK TO THEM! I attribute this to black women being just as shallow as they claim men to be, chasing money and status. Whatever the case, this led me to some heartbreak, confusion and frustration.

3. After 27 years of marriage, my parents eventually divorced, leaving no one in my extended family married. Financial hardship, lack of communication, and the infamous blame game all weighed on their hearts until they finally lost love for each other. This change was a hurtful experience for me and my siblings. Although this occurred well into adulthood, it negatively affected my outlook and perspective on my ability to be a good husband.

4. I am convinced that in your 20's you are still learning the adult you and have not fully developed yourself. I have friends who have married in their 20's and have since then divorced over petty things that reminded me of high school. The strange thing is many of the women in those failed marriages were the cheaters!

You can’t change who you are, but you can learn from your mistakes and grow from them. Of these situations I’ve learned a bit. But it’s not just me. I have encountered many grown women still chasing men with money -mostly dope boys- rather than encouraging and supporting (not financially) good honest men with good dreams.

FYI- There are a lot of good black men left, but they are under appreciated, taken for granted and mistreated early on. I have many friends who have been dealing with the same thing I have, for years.

I admit, I should have more confidence in myself, but these experiences have made it difficult and distorted my view. Instead of brushing it off and keeping it moving, I was dealing in despair.

However, I haven't given up, I'm just a bit slower to "jump in". I see "red flags" in women just as women see in men and I step away from those situations. Men protect their hearts by beings guarded, cryptic and closed up. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, so it was tired, torn.

These are MY REASONS and my challenges. Most men won’t admit their hurt so they hide it, run from it or transfer that pain to others who don't love themselves enough to refuse and reject their mistreatment (hurt people hurt people). There are evil, selfish people who use and abuse people by lying, cheating and stealing; but for the rest of us, we are simple misunderstood. It isn’t that we are afraid of commitment; sometimes we are afraid of failure and rejection as I have been for most of my adult life.

I loved this response. VERY HONEST! where do the nice guys hide?!

 

[Love Always]

Thanks for the candid response. It's nice to have a male's perspective on this topic. I hope you find that special someone and congrats on your accomplishments .

Hello ladies,

My name is Mike. My friend, whose account I am using, asked me to weigh in on the issue since there were no men in the forum to speak from our point of view. Some of you may be familiar with me as my friend shared my information some months ago I believe. I really hate to do this -most men don't open up or share their struggles- but I am a man of my word, so here goes.

Brief Biography: I am 31 y/o single, never-married black man with no children. I was born, raised, and currently residing in Detroit, Michigan. I was brought up in a middle-class, Christian home with both working parents. I attended both private and public schools and finished my undergrad with a degree in Journalism. I am currently finishing coursework toward my MBA in marketing. I consider myself a in middle-class income bracket with good, but not perfect credit. I consider myself a regular, easy-going guy. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the pleasure of a long-term relationship but I am looking forward to the experience.

I share this first to give you an idea of who I am to frame my response. Before I begin, I have to share that not read all the comments in this thread due to my own time constraints, so forgive me. I cannot speak for all black men, only for myself. This post is my personal admissions and observations of my experience (I’ll attempt to be brief).

Background: While teenagers a few friends and I pledged to get married at 25 and be in each others’ weddings. They are married, I am still single. Our paths were very different. One was already established as he worked his father’s business that he would soon inherit, he married a young lady we knew in church. The other friend was raised in a well to do family, and was a scholar that fell in love with an Asian woman he met in medical school who he soon married. I was not established with old money or a scholar, just a regular guy. Although I was blessed to live with both parents still married growing up and lived in a decent neighborhood without much of crime. I did and still do date; I have had two relationships in my adult life. Short lived disappointing experiences- one for eight-months, the other for four. Both ended with the woman cheating on me. The last woman actually married the man she cheated on me with.

Here are things that factored into my trepidation:

1. I was raised to believe that men have to lead, provide and protect the family. Therefore, based on my situation I was convinced I was not ready because financially, spiritually and vocationally I was not where I needed to be as a single man. Unlike my friends, my journey had a few challenges along the way. I might be better off than many, but I have not met the standards set within the circles I was raised. I don't/didn't feel I measure(d) up.

2. I have been diagnosed with “nice guy” syndrome, as I call it and have constantly have been banished to the “friend box”. I have always been the accommodating gentleman that I was raised to be, however that has been taken for granted all too often. Oftentimes I was looked over for those same thugs, losers, low-lifes that many of you mentioned in your comments. I’ve been called “lame” and “boring” all the while those same women who called me these names are getting beat on, cheated on and stolen from the men they adore, AND KEEP GOING BACK TO THEM! I attribute this to black women being just as shallow as they claim men to be, chasing money and status. Whatever the case, this led me to some heartbreak, confusion and frustration.

3. After 27 years of marriage, my parents eventually divorced, leaving no one in my extended family married. Financial hardship, lack of communication, and the infamous blame game all weighed on their hearts until they finally lost love for each other. This change was a hurtful experience for me and my siblings. Although this occurred well into adulthood, it negatively affected my outlook and perspective on my ability to be a good husband.

4. I am convinced that in your 20's you are still learning the adult you and have not fully developed yourself. I have friends who have married in their 20's and have since then divorced over petty things that reminded me of high school. The strange thing is many of the women in those failed marriages were the cheaters!

You can’t change who you are, but you can learn from your mistakes and grow from them. Of these situations I’ve learned a bit. But it’s not just me. I have encountered many grown women still chasing men with money -mostly dope boys- rather than encouraging and supporting (not financially) good honest men with good dreams.

FYI- There are a lot of good black men left, but they are under appreciated, taken for granted and mistreated early on. I have many friends who have been dealing with the same thing I have, for years.

I admit, I should have more confidence in myself, but these experiences have made it difficult and distorted my view. Instead of brushing it off and keeping it moving, I was dealing in despair.

However, I haven't given up, I'm just a bit slower to "jump in". I see "red flags" in women just as women see in men and I step away from those situations. Men protect their hearts by beings guarded, cryptic and closed up. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, so it was tired, torn.

These are MY REASONS and my challenges. Most men won’t admit their hurt so they hide it, run from it or transfer that pain to others who don't love themselves enough to refuse and reject their mistreatment (hurt people hurt people). There are evil, selfish people who use and abuse people by lying, cheating and stealing; but for the rest of us, we are simple misunderstood. It isn’t that we are afraid of commitment; sometimes we are afraid of failure and rejection as I have been for most of my adult life.

 

[chocolat79]

OK, as the OP, I'd personally like to thank NaturalDetroit for doing what you said you were going to do and obtain a male's perspective on this subject, so thank you very much.

Also, thank you Mike for your candid response and being brave enough to come into this forum and share your experiences despite your busy schedule. I can understand where you're coming from and I hope that you meet someone soon that appreciates you. Unfortunately, I have family in Detroit, but they're all guys and I don't know anyone else in Detroit.

For the record, I'd like to reiterate Kurlee's question and ask where do the nice guys hide??

Just askin...

Thanks again!

 

[lushcoils]

Thanks for sharing experience. I wish you luck. I just don't understand how nice women and nice men keep missing each other.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

Wow I just read his response, thats my boy. If you come back and read this before I get a chance to talk to you thanks for FINALLY (SMH!!!!!) responding and but more importantly thanks for being honest, thats why I love you friend

ttyl

OFFTOPIC, ladies wouldnt it be nice to get more male responses on topics in the relationship forum??? I'm kind of digging having a male perspective.

 

[C(squared)]

Hello ladies,

My name is Mike. My friend, whose account I am using, asked me to weigh in on the issue since there were no men in the forum to speak from our point of view. Some of you may be familiar with me as my friend shared my information some months ago I believe. I really hate to do this -most men don't open up or share their struggles- but I am a man of my word, so here goes.

Brief Biography: I am 31 y/o single, never-married black man with no children. I was born, raised, and currently residing in Detroit, Michigan. I was brought up in a middle-class, Christian home with both working parents. I attended both private and public schools and finished my undergrad with a degree in Journalism. I am currently finishing coursework toward my MBA in marketing. I consider myself a in middle-class income bracket with good, but not perfect credit. I consider myself a regular, easy-going guy. Unfortunately, I haven’t had the pleasure of a long-term relationship but I am looking forward to the experience.

I share this first to give you an idea of who I am to frame my response. Before I begin, I have to share that not read all the comments in this thread due to my own time constraints, so forgive me. I cannot speak for all black men, only for myself. This post is my personal admissions and observations of my experience (I’ll attempt to be brief).

Background: While teenagers a few friends and I pledged to get married at 25 and be in each others’ weddings. They are married, I am still single. Our paths were very different. One was already established as he worked his father’s business that he would soon inherit, he married a young lady we knew in church. The other friend was raised in a well to do family, and was a scholar that fell in love with an Asian woman he met in medical school who he soon married. I was not established with old money or a scholar, just a regular guy. Although I was blessed to live with both parents still married growing up and lived in a decent neighborhood without much of crime. I did and still do date; I have had two relationships in my adult life. Short lived disappointing experiences- one for eight-months, the other for four. Both ended with the woman cheating on me. The last woman actually married the man she cheated on me with.

Here are things that factored into my trepidation:

1. I was raised to believe that men have to lead, provide and protect the family. Therefore, based on my situation I was convinced I was not ready because financially, spiritually and vocationally I was not where I needed to be as a single man. Unlike my friends, my journey had a few challenges along the way. I might be better off than many, but I have not met the standards set within the circles I was raised. I don't/didn't feel I measure(d) up.

2. I have been diagnosed with “nice guy” syndrome, as I call it and have constantly have been banished to the “friend box”. I have always been the accommodating gentleman that I was raised to be, however that has been taken for granted all too often. Oftentimes I was looked over for those same thugs, losers, low-lifes that many of you mentioned in your comments. I’ve been called “lame” and “boring” all the while those same women who called me these names are getting beat on, cheated on and stolen from the men they adore, AND KEEP GOING BACK TO THEM! I attribute this to black women being just as shallow as they claim men to be, chasing money and status. Whatever the case, this led me to some heartbreak, confusion and frustration.

3. After 27 years of marriage, my parents eventually divorced, leaving no one in my extended family married. Financial hardship, lack of communication, and the infamous blame game all weighed on their hearts until they finally lost love for each other. This change was a hurtful experience for me and my siblings. Although this occurred well into adulthood, it negatively affected my outlook and perspective on my ability to be a good husband.

4. I am convinced that in your 20's you are still learning the adult you and have not fully developed yourself. I have friends who have married in their 20's and have since then divorced over petty things that reminded me of high school. The strange thing is many of the women in those failed marriages were the cheaters!

You can’t change who you are, but you can learn from your mistakes and grow from them. Of these situations I’ve learned a bit. But it’s not just me. I have encountered many grown women still chasing men with money -mostly dope boys- rather than encouraging and supporting (not financially) good honest men with good dreams.

FYI- There are a lot of good black men left, but they are under appreciated, taken for granted and mistreated early on. I have many friends who have been dealing with the same thing I have, for years.

I admit, I should have more confidence in myself, but these experiences have made it difficult and distorted my view. Instead of brushing it off and keeping it moving, I was dealing in despair.

However, I haven't given up, I'm just a bit slower to "jump in". I see "red flags" in women just as women see in men and I step away from those situations. Men protect their hearts by beings guarded, cryptic and closed up. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, so it was tired, torn.

These are MY REASONS and my challenges. Most men won’t admit their hurt so they hide it, run from it or transfer that pain to others who don't love themselves enough to refuse and reject their mistreatment (hurt people hurt people). There are evil, selfish people who use and abuse people by lying, cheating and stealing; but for the rest of us, we are simple misunderstood. It isn’t that we are afraid of commitment; sometimes we are afraid of failure and rejection as I have been for most of my adult life.

That was an interesting and heartfelt opinion from Mike. Thanks, NaturalDetroit for soliciting that response.

I also live in Detroit (well, outside of Detroit now)...everybody has a different dating experience here. From my vantage point and others, the bolded can be very true for women also.

 

[Thiends]

I always wonder where these professional women who are supposedly chasing drug dealers reside. I can't think of a single drug dealer I know, talk less of one I know well enough to chase, if my taste was so poor. Sometimes, I feel that I must be living a very different life from that of most black people in this country. Either that or the rumors of black women chasing drug dealers are greatly exaggerated. Is it that men who claim that black women are chasing thugs and drug dealers are themselves chasing hoodrats and other low SES women? I have a very hard time believing that educated men who date educated women are running into an abundance of women who eschew the company of their peers to chase local ruffians. If indeed, these men are pursuing women who are not on their level, then that actually fits in with what some women here have observed about black men chasing sex and booty wherever it may be found. In that case, the men are getting what they deserve, both literally and figuratively.

 

[lushcoils]

I always wonder where these professional women who are supposedly chasing drug dealers reside. I can't think of a single drug dealer I know, talk less of one I know well enough to chase, if my taste was so poor. Sometimes, I feel that I must be living a very different life from that of most black people in this country. Either that or the rumors of black women chasing drug dealers are greatly exaggerated. Is it that men who claim that black women are chasing thugs and drug dealers are themselves chasing hoodrats and other low SES women? I have a very hard time believing that educated men who date educated women are running into an abundance of women who eschew the company of their peers to chase local ruffians. If indeed, these men are pursuing women who are not on their level, then that actually fits in with what some women here have observed about black men chasing sex and booty wherever it may be found. In that case, the men are getting what they deserve, both literally and figuratively.

I was wondering this also, ...maybe it should be a new thread. (But I think a thread like this was created a while ago.) All these "good" men and "good" women around and they can never find each other. Something isn't adding up.

I'm going to go against the LHCF grain and blame the men on this one. All of these professional black women around, and you can't find SOME decent ones to date? And eventually marry? And the majority of these professional black women want to date thugs? Um, yea okay.

*currently in grad school and wondering how long will it take for one of these black male grad students to ask me out* tick tick tick.....

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I liked his response but I wonder where these "nice guys" are cause I've never met one (lol) I see a lot of nice, intelligent men on my campus and they are not hurting for female attention. But as for these "nice guys" that are under appreciated ... I don't see that. I see women who want one (lol) Shoot, they'd put that brotha on layaway until graduate school if they could

 

[Kurlee]

Thanks for sharing experience. I wish you luck. I just don't understand how nice women and nice men keep missing each other.

i think the nice women get overlooked the same way the nice men do so each ends up with the bad ones who look good.

 

[Kurlee]

I was wondering this also, ...maybe it should be a new thread. (But I think a thread like this was created a while ago.) All these "good" men and "good" women around and they can never find each other. Something isn't adding up.

I'm going to go against the LHCF grain and blame the men on this one. All of these professional black women around, and you can't find SOME decent ones to date? And eventually marry? And the majority of these professional black women want to date thugs? Um, yea okay.

*currently in grad school and wondering how long will it take for one of these black male grad students to ask me out* tick tick tick.....

a lot of the really "nice guys" that I have met usually love the flashy more "outgoing" girls like hill harper vs. dolicia bryan. I see stuff like that all the time and then they cry that they were done wrong. What did u expect

 

[C(squared)]

ITA, Kurlee. I think a lot of men tend to fall for the packages that are dressed in fancy paper and bows with nothing inside. I think that is what I was alluding to in my post. Detroit is a pretty flashy place driven by what you wear and what you park in your driveway. I see a lot of my peers going for extra plastic chicks that they met at the club and then getting played.

Also, I don't know any professional women chasing d-boys, rappers and such. Please. That is exaggerated by a lot of men in my opinion.

 

[MissJ]

Let me explain - I'm saying "young" as >30 years. Of course, education is part of this change but I don't believe that black men have to choose between education and marriage. You can't have both? And let's remember that prior to the 70's, the majority of black households was headed by men, two-parent households, it wasn't until the recent generations that marriage wasn't visible. Why made the difference? Why did these men choose not to behave like older generations? They had plenty of people to emulate. I guess my point is - we have to have the society before we can emulate it. This was already going on. It didn't start with how the media portrayed black families.

Welfare, legalized abortion and the women's rights movement. Men began to increasingly be able to have sex with women without the thought of "If she gets pregnant, I have to marry her." Women fooled themselves into believing that they were equal to men in every way and that they could sleep with a bunch of random men. Now that men get all the benefits of marriage without being married or without even having to be in a relationship, they don't have any kind of incentive to get married. As they get older and accumulate more money, they continue to take advantage of all the women out there who are willing to give them the benefits of marriage so easily. If the woman does happen to get pregnant, she does not have to bear the burden of financially taking care of the child on her own. She can get child support and/or welfare. If she lives in government housing, it's against the law for a man to live with her. She can either living "comfortably" or step out on shakey ground with the man who may or may not have the ability to support a family. Some people chose between having a man and getting welfare benefits. Some women have no qualms about getting pregnant, because they know the government's there to help even if the father isn't. The government kind of gives an incentive for the woman to be a single mother. Of course, these people are on a lower socioeconomic level, but it happens.

 

[MissJ]

Not all old men are broke down. Wow, what a sterotype.

I'm speaking of a specific problem men of that age have, and that's the most discreet way I can put it.

 

[chocolat79]

I always wonder where these professional women who are supposedly chasing drug dealers reside. I can't think of a single drug dealer I know, talk less of one I know well enough to chase, if my taste was so poor. Sometimes, I feel that I must be living a very different life from that of most black people in this country. Either that or the rumors of black women chasing drug dealers are greatly exaggerated. Is it that men who claim that black women are chasing thugs and drug dealers are themselves chasing hoodrats and other low SES women? I have a very hard time believing that educated men who date educated women are running into an abundance of women who eschew the company of their peers to chase local ruffians. If indeed, these men are pursuing women who are not on their level, then that actually fits in with what some women here have observed about black men chasing sex and booty wherever it may be found. In that case, the men are getting what they deserve, both literally and figuratively.

It's funny, because I was thinking THE SAME thing when reading his response. As sheltered as I am, if I ever MET a drug dealer, I didn't know it, I'll say that. I always feel like I'm living in an alternate universe. I keep asking the same thing. Someone should start a thread about this for sure.

 

[Imani]

I always wonder where these professional women who are supposedly chasing drug dealers reside. I can't think of a single drug dealer I know, talk less of one I know well enough to chase, if my taste was so poor. Sometimes, I feel that I must be living a very different life from that of most black people in this country. Either that or the rumors of black women chasing drug dealers are greatly exaggerated. Is it that men who claim that black women are chasing thugs and drug dealers are themselves chasing hoodrats and other low SES women? I have a very hard time believing that educated men who date educated women are running into an abundance of women who eschew the company of their peers to chase local ruffians. If indeed, these men are pursuing women who are not on their level, then that actually fits in with what some women here have observed about black men chasing sex and booty wherever it may be found. In that case, the men are getting what they deserve, both literally and figuratively.

Man, you said pretty much EXACTLY what I was thinking. I give a SERIOUS side eye to the men I hear talking about how they are so nice and all the women are chasing swagged out fake-baller dope boy losers. I don't have NOT ONE single professional black female friend who is like that.

 

[Imani]

a lot of the really "nice guys" that I have met usually love the flashy more "outgoing" girls like hill harper vs. dolicia bryan. I see stuff like that all the time and then they cry that they were done wrong. What did u expect

I see this well. And agree 100%

Case in point-So called nice guy lives in Atlanta (flash city central), meets wanna be model chic with flashy outfit, $400 dollar weave, and a bottle of moet in her hand at Usher's/Hawks/Falcon's celebrity bash. Then is confused/hurt as to why he got played to the left for a baller.

The above is an extreme case but I swear I see similar stuff all the time with some of my male friends/acquaintances. I mean, really, did you expect to find your wife in the VIP popping bottles All Star Weekend? Really?

 

[Aveena]

I was lost here:

Here are things that factored into my trepidation:

1. I was raised to believe that men have to lead, provide and protect the family. Therefore, based on my situation I was convinced I was not ready because financially, spiritually and vocationally I was not where I needed to be as a single man. Unlike my friends, my journey had a few challenges along the way. I might be better off than many, but I have not met the standards set within the circles I was raised. I don't/didn't feel I measure(d) up.

I don't know? I get tired of hearing this. There are plenty of "good women" who feel the same way and they still will marry in a heartbeat to the right person and built with that person.

also:

Will his family really make him feel like he doesn't measure up by not being married and having a family of his own to provide for and protect one day? I'm going to assume that this is and internal pressure he puts on himself.

But think about this ~ a nice guy should really examine delaying marriage for these reasons because doing so IMO actually stalls financial, spiritual growth AND even Vocational growth!!!

I always read these statements as:

"I am not ready to sacrifice financially, open up spiritually. I'm not willing to share my life. " etc....

because even if you had a dream job, made all the money in the world and walked on water (which you probably couldn't do without the help of a woman <- real talk - you'd still need to put in WORK to make a relationship, marriage, family work.

Last point somewhat related:
last night I was at a banquet and the head speaker thanked his wife at the end of the program and recognized to all of us in attendance that although she couldn't be here (she was home with the kids) without her HE couldn't do the things that he does and RECOGNIZED his "support system". He actually said the words "I couldn't be here without my support system" then joked.. "so if anyone sees her let her know that I appreciate her and recognized her tonight"! OK everyone got a little laugh but I thought.... wow...

This man recognizes that he is not good enough but instead of falling short he found a mate vs... trying to do it all and trolling for booty when ever he gets a chance (not OP's friend but you know)

What happened to the desire to share your life? I'm just saying...

 

[Kalani]

I always read these statements as:

"I am not ready to sacrifice financially, open up spiritually. I'm not willing to share my life. " etc....

because even if you had a dream job, made all the money in the world and walked on water (which you probably couldn't do without the help of a woman <- real talk - you'd still need to put in WORK to make a relationship, marriage, family work.

Last point somewhat related:
last night I was at a banquet and the head speaker thanked his wife at the end of the program and recognized to all of us in attendance that although she couldn't be here (she was home with the kids) without her HE couldn't do the things that he does and RECOGNIZED his "support system". He actually said the words "I couldn't be here without my support system" then joked.. "so if anyone sees her let her know that I appreciate her and recognized her tonight"! OK everyone got a little laugh but I thought.... wow...

This man recognizes that he is not good enough but instead of falling short he found a mate vs... trying to do it all and trolling for booty when ever he gets a chance (not OP's friend but you know)

What happened to the desire to share your life? I'm just saying...

All of this pretty much echoes my thoughts on the matter, and the bolded highlights some key points that appear be lacking in the modern man's thought processes concerning relationships and marriage.

 

[chocolat79]

I was lost here:

I don't know? I get tired of hearing this. There are plenty of "good women" who feel the same way and they still will marry in a heartbeat to the right person and built with that person.

also:

Will his family really make him feel like he doesn't measure up by not being married and having a family of his own to provide for and protect one day? I'm going to assume that this is and internal pressure he puts on himself.

But think about this ~ a nice guy should really examine delaying marriage for these reasons because doing so IMO actually stalls financial, spiritual growth AND even Vocational growth!!!

I always read these statements as:

"I am not ready to sacrifice financially, open up spiritually. I'm not willing to share my life. " etc....

because even if you had a dream job, made all the money in the world and walked on water (which you probably couldn't do without the help of a woman <- real talk - you'd still need to put in WORK to make a relationship, marriage, family work.

Last point somewhat related:
last night I was at a banquet and the head speaker thanked his wife at the end of the program and recognized to all of us in attendance that although she couldn't be here (she was home with the kids) without her HE couldn't do the things that he does and RECOGNIZED his "support system". He actually said the words "I couldn't be here without my support system" then joked.. "so if anyone sees her let her know that I appreciate her and recognized her tonight"! OK everyone got a little laugh but I thought.... wow...

This man recognizes that he is not good enough but instead of falling short he found a mate vs... trying to do it all and trolling for booty when ever he gets a chance (not OP's friend but you know)

What happened to the desire to share your life? I'm just saying...

It's called SELFISHNESS.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Nothing new here. As Roslyn said, "Reasons Don't Matter". Free Lesson #20: Reasons Don’t Matter

All that matters is whether you are willing to wait around, trying to figure the whys and wherefores when you could be doing something else.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

Damn, if I would have known that you all would tear down my friend for his opinion I wouldnt have asked him to respond. You ladies are hard on men. calm down. I know my friend and he is a really good guy, he's not just saying that and if you read deeper you can tell from the tone of his post that he isnt a hard shell type of guy, meaning that he is good at expressing himself. I can understand the pressures of men wanting to be in a certain place before they marry, there is alot of pressure on them to be a provider and alot of them take that very seriously.....some dont.
Maybe I feel this way because I'm not pressed to marry.

He can only speak for HIMSELF not the whole male species, and how the hell can you get mad when somebody speaks on THEIR personal experience and thoughts. SMH. selfish? Now he chasing flashy chicks? Chile boo. When a man shares a part of himself, he gets dissected and what he says gets thrown away and then he is TOLD what he really meant and WHY it happened that way. smh, thats a nasty trait alot of women possess and need to put in check.

I know lots of professional women who chase paper, please, it may not be in the form of a drug dealer (although I've known some of those as well) but its a paper chase none the less and I cant tell you how many times my friends have passed up good guys for the guys who have the edge and then got crapped on by said guys. So I guess it works both ways. Stop thinking that your limited experience is the only experience there is out there, so what if you and your friends never met a drug dealer, good for you, but dont discredit someone elses story or experiences. I'm a little lightweight offended and was hoping that this wouldnt turn into a male bash session but thats just to much to ask on a forum full of women. I'm sure I wont do that again.