Why does it seem to take a lot of American Black men longer to get married?

[BEAUTYU2U]

Damn, if I would have known that you all would tear down my friend for his opinion I wouldnt have asked him to respond. You ladies are hard on men. calm down. I know my friend and he is a really good guy, he's not just saying that and if you read deeper you can tell from the tone of his post that he isnt a hard shell type of guy, meaning that he is good at expressing himself. I can understand the pressures of men wanting to be in a certain place before they marry, there is alot of pressure on them to be a provider and alot of them take that very seriously.....some dont.
Maybe I feel this way because I'm not pressed to marry.

He can only speak for HIMSELF not the whole male species, and how the hell can you get mad when somebody speaks on THEIR personal experience and thoughts. SMH. selfish? Now he chasing flashy chicks? Chile boo. When a man shares a part of himself, he gets dissected and what he says gets thrown away and then he is TOLD what he really meant and WHY it happened that way. smh, thats a nasty trait alot of women possess and need to put in check.

I know lots of professional women who chase paper, please, it may not be in the form of a drug dealer (although I've known some of those as well) but its a paper chase none the less and I cant tell you how many times my friends have passed up good guys for the guys who have the edge and then got crapped on by said guys. So I guess it works both ways. Stop thinking that your limited experience is the only experience there is out there, so what if you and your friends never met a drug dealer, good for you, but dont discredit someone elses story or experiences. I'm a little lightweight offended and was hoping that this wouldnt turn into a male bash session but thats just to much to ask on a forum full of women. I'm sure I wont do that again.

Maybe I didn't read between the lines of the other posts but they didn't sound like they were directed towards your friend. More like his line of reasoning, theory, etc. Not attacking him personally.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

whatever

#lesson learned

 

[chocolat79]

BEAUTYU2U..ITA

ND, he's not the only one who's said this. He's just the most recent one and there are a lot of women who have never known of this experience. We're not negating his experiences, but at times, men have to look at themselves and a lot of men lack introspection when it comes to relationships and choosing the right vs. wrong women. (Of course, women do too, but I'm not speaking on that right now). IMO, he's been trying to get himself together to a level where he wants to be, and that's why he's not married or been in serious relationships. Also, people (men and women) have to be careful about integrating their experiences with those of their friends or things in the media. I'm guilty of that as well. I don't live in Detroit, so IDK what it's like up there, so maybe it's a demographic thing. kanyeshrug....

You know women are going to have something to say, so that's to be expected. But don't be offended. We don't even KNOW the guy or his choices in women, lifestyle, approach, etc. It's just that I've heard the same before and was wondering the same thing about these professional or "good" women and drug dealers. And women chasing paper LEGALLY and dating someone chasing paper ILLEGALLY is like comparing apples to potatoes. I say potatoes because they're not even in the same food group.

The bigger issue is...with all these nice guys and nice women running around, why can they NEVER seem to cross paths? That's the question.

Anyway, I still say thank you for letting him post and he does seem to be a really nice guy.

ETA: I re-read his post. Ok, he said he's known grown women chasing men with money---mostly dope boys. I guess my question would be, are these women he'd be interested in? Or are these just observations?

 

[qchelle]

1. I was raised to believe that men have to lead, provide and protect the family. Therefore, based on my situation I was convinced I was not ready because financially, spiritually and vocationally I was not where I needed to be as a single man. Unlike my friends, my journey had a few challenges along the way. I might be better off than many, but I have not met the standards set within the circles I was raised. I don't/didn't feel I measure(d) up.

Ahhh so he did say what I speculated as one of the reasons upthread (+1 for me lol)

Thank you for your answer, sir! It's nice to have a mans opinion in the relationship forum every once in a while

However, that is a bit disheartening to hear. I wonder if many other BM feel this way? That they have to be in tip top shape in all aspects of their lives before considering getting married? Hmmm...

ETA: oh oh, and here's a little excerpt of my response that coincided with his:

Maybe it's because black men want to be really stable before they get married...moreso than other men because they want to prove to themselves and the world that they're the best black man they can be. And they overcame stuff and yada yada. And it just takes longer to become as established as the black man wants to be and on their **** and everything...longer than their white (or other) counterparts who are comfy with just being established(as opposed to the BM wanting to be super duper wooper established)

17th post up in dis thread *brushes shouldas off* *doues dougie* *toots horn*

 

[Katherina]

qchelle you are too hilarious!

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

This is Mike,

I was curious to read the feedback from my post, so with ND’s permission I peeked back in. I want to thank all who received my post. I appreciate you for your openness, acceptance and consideration. I also appreciate ND’s reply to comments on my behalf. I share her sentiments; but I am not offended or surprised. Everyone has a right their opinion, and I understand those opinions. I attempted to summarize as much as I could. There are some aspects of my experiences that could shed light on some of the issues in question. And as much as I’d like to, I won’t go into further detail, respond to skepticism or refute any conclusions to my post. It took a lot for my friend to convince me to do this; I slightly regret that I did. I wasn't searching for sympathy, nor was I looking to debate. I hope you all find the answers you are content with.

God bless.

 

[snillohsss]

Where was dude torn down?? I didn't see one post challenging him on his opinion. I could say a lot more, but Imma fall back for a bit.

 

[Imani]

Where was dude torn down?? I didn't see one post challenging him on his opinion. I could say a lot more, but Imma fall back for a bit.

Yeah I had to fall back for a bit as well before I came back in here. Nobody ever discredited his experiences or tried to TELL him anything.

We (women) post things all the time, and people chime in w/different viewpoints, opinions, questions behind the other's reasoning, etc. Its a discussion board, thats what happens, not to mention its really not that deep

However, when a man posts, the rules are supposed to change? And all of a sudden we are all nasty male bashers? Really?

 

[Yoshi3329]

Maybe I didn't read between the lines of the other posts but they didn't sound like they were directed towards your friend. More like his line of reasoning, theory, etc. Not attacking him personally.

Yeah I had to fall back for a bit as well before I came back in here. Nobody ever discredited his experiences or tried to TELL him anything.

We (women) post things all the time, and people chime in w/different viewpoints, opinions, questions behind the other's reasoning, etc. Its a discussion board, thats what happens, not to mention its really not that deep

However, when a man posts, the rules are supposed to change? And all of a sudden we are all nasty male bashers? Really?

​

 

[MzLady78]

whatever

#lesson learned

I don't think anyone is tearing dude down, but did you really expect EVERYONE to feel EVERYTHING he said? erplexed

 

[Thiends]

I don't think anyone is tearing dude down, but did you really expect EVERYONE to feel EVERYTHING he said? erplexed

Of course. We're supposed to applaud wildly because a man has spoken and clearly, his should be the last word on this topic. Emasculating loudmouths in here just won't learn!

 

[Kurlee]

^^^^

 

[Imani]

The funny thing is that I had a feeling from jump even BEFORE he posted his response from the tone of her initial post that it was going to go down like this.

 

[Country gal]

Because they suck

 

[Raspberry]

Because they suck

.....

 

[Ms Red]

Raspberry you are very pretty

 

[Raspberry]

@Raspberry you are very pretty

Thanks for the compliment Ms Red !

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Wow. Just wow.erplexed

 

[Bun Mistress]

I read the response and it is what I thought it would be. The same reasons that I have heard plenty of men say that don't want to marry right now. I'm not going to tear the man's story down. I'm just not.

I didn't appreciated the comment (to paraphrase) nice men are under appreciated. GTFOOHWTDS. Sorry. I just had to get that off my chest.

I'm not saying I'm hot sh*t. I'm not. But I work with men like this all day long that sing the Im not apprecieted song. If that's the case neither am I.

I get that a man wants to be in the right path or in a certain place in their life before they get serious about dating. I was that w]way as well. In my mid twneties I wasn't in the mindset for marriage. But I have never written a guy off becasue he was too cute. First off I don't even beleive in male friends (I'm sorry your best male friend shoud be your SO/DH). So if you keep getting placed in the friend category, your need to do some inner reflection. Women WANT the nice guy.

Wait, wait. I'm stopping myself here. I said I wasn't going to go off. I'm just tired of BM going on and on (whining?) about their situation in life and that life just took me some where. I need a glass of wine now. But I do appreciate him saying what I already knew.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Wait, wait. I'm stopping myself here. I said I wasn't going to go off.

It's okay, girl. We all feel the frustration.

 

[Syrah]

I read the response and it is what I thought it would be. The same reasons that I have heard plenty of men say that don't want to marry right now. I'm not going to tear the man's story down. I'm just not.

I didn't appreciated the comment (to paraphrase) nice men are under appreciated. GTFOOHWTDS. Sorry. I just had to get that off my chest.

I'm not saying I'm hot sh*t. I'm not. But I work with men like this all day long that sing the Im not apprecieted song. If that's the case neither am I.

I get that a man wants to be in the right path or in a certain place in their life before they get serious about dating. I was that w]way as well. In my mid twneties I wasn't in the mindset for marriage. But I have never written a guy off becasue he was too cute. First off I don't even beleive in male friends (I'm sorry your best male friend shoud be your SO/DH). So if you keep getting placed in the friend category, your need to do some inner reflection. Women WANT the nice guy.

Wait, wait. I'm stopping myself here. I said I wasn't going to go off. I'm just tired of BM going on and on (whining?) about their situation in life and that life just took me some where. I need a glass of wine now. But I do appreciate him saying what I already knew.

Then why did we ask the question?? We're acting like this is rocket science - that there is some mystical reason why Black Men are getting married later in life - like it's in the water or something. What I can't take anymore is us acting like we don't understand what's going on. Like its some sort of mystery. When in reality we all know why.

They either A) Don't feel ready or B) Aren't meeting the right person.

Begin Rant:

So I don't understand why people are slightly annoyed/irritated/disappointed that NaturalDetroit's friend didn't say something other than what we already know.

Folks talk about the pitfalls of "changing for a man" in one breath and then complain that they're struggling to meet the type of men they want to meet in another. You can't have it both ways. You're either going to put yourself in the position to meet the type of men you seek - which MAY require, god forbid, a change in your behavior or you're going to continue to wonder why chicks less _____ than you are meeting and marrying the men that you seek. You're either going to stop wasting time with men who you really, deep down wouldn't consider marrying instead of seeing them as "just for the time being" and commit yourself to finding what you truly want and deserve or you're going to let it go.

Why do we continue to do the same things and expect different results?

 

[Bun Mistress]

Syrah

I totally agree with you. I didn't expect him to say otehr than what he said. And in a way, just as there are people saying that can't find a decent man, I have had many men say that they can't fins a decent women.

If you keep dating losers you need to check yourself. You need to change were and how you are meeting people, presenting yourself. ECT.. We have pretty much all ran into this problem and each one of use have to find our own way to get over the hurdle.