Why does it seem to take a lot of American Black men longer to get married?

chocolat79

chocolat79

Well-Known Member
First, I'm not trying to incite a riot and this may have been discussed before, but I really didn't feel like searching for it.

Second, I KNOW I'm generalizing, but there is no way to go through EVERY single American Black man, so some generalization has to take place. Ok, finished with disclaimer.

I was just reading the Hill Harper/Dollicia Bryan thread and it inspired a few quick thoughts about some of the men I know as well as just know of (Hollywood) and their lack of desire to get married. Someone mentioned how HH is 44, Ivy-league educated and has never been married. I have a friend who is over 40 who has never been married or engaged. I have a friend who's GF broke up with him because he didn't put a ring on it after 7 years. He basically said that he was waiting until basically everything was right for him financially. They lived together and shared everything else, so what would change?

My question is, why does it seem to take a lot of American Black men longer to get married compared to other races/cultures? OR what is the aversion to getting married for American Black men?
 
chocolat79 said:
First, I'm not trying to incite a riot and this may have been discussed before, but I really didn't feel like searching for it.

Second, I KNOW I'm generalizing, but there is no way to go through EVERY single American Black man, so some generalization has to take place. Ok, finished with disclaimer.

I was just reading the Hill Harper/Dollicia Bryan thread and it inspired a few quick thoughts about some of the men I know as well as just know of (Hollywood) and their lack of desire to get married. Someone mentioned how HH is 44, Ivy-league educated and has never been married. I have a friend who is over 40 who has never been married or engaged. I have a friend who's GF broke up with him because he didn't put a ring on it after 7 years. He basically said that he was waiting until basically everything was right for him financially. They lived together and shared everything else, so what would change?

My question is, why does it seem to take a lot of American Black men longer to get married compared to other races/cultures? OR what is the aversion to getting married for American Black men?
Click to expand...

Because most of them have no incentive to.

If you can live with a woman, have her cook, clean, bear your children and raise them for years on end without putting a ring on it, why would you feel the need to get married?
 
MzLady78 said:
Because most of them have no incentive to.

If you can live with a woman, have her cook, clean, bear your children and raise them for years on end without putting a ring on it, why would you feel the need to get married?
Click to expand...

I believe this part of it but most American men can get a woman to play the wifey role (not always with kids involved) for a long time.. While the average marrying age has been rising steadily over the past couple decades, it's really the family and cultural incentive to marry that matters the most IMO and many black men lack cultural examples and incentives to marry. A lot of black men who manage to become financially stable end up adopting the marriage norm as a matter of assimilation and status, it is still not necessarily a natural inclination for them... thus delaying it for so long.
 
I think it depends on where they are in their career (if we're talking ivy league, etc like you mentioned) and that includes all races. The ones climbing the latter, or trying to establish themselves (and are seriously aggressive in their pursuits are going to delay marriage until they get where they want to go).

The men are more likely to get married in their 30's or 40's even depending on where they live. My fiance is 34 however he spent the past years in CT (outside of the influence of NY) and around friends who were getting married shortly after becoming doctors, or in medical school. So I think it matters who he's around, and also where he thinks he is in his career.

That being said I'm sure there are many men who will play the field for as long as they can unless and those type of men, it's just worth filtering through and finding the others. Because I don't believe in convincing anyone. I think they make up their minds when they want to.

I do think the fact that wifey roles are coming into play and prolonging things as well. If no woman was willing to play these roles, then men would realize they can't use words or b.s mind games to keep women jumping through hoops to please them (instead of getting what they want out of the relationship as well.) all the while they know they just don't want to get married. I've had friends who say the guy will marry then when they get thistogether or that. ANd I'm like okay, whatever. Find the guy who wants you like you are, and doesn't have excuses for why he's not ready to marry you...but that's justme.

Also to some guys...we're just not the one but we'll prolonge it hoping to be (and thinking why isn't he ready?...uhm cause you're not the one).
 
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ETA: When I hear black men over 30 gloating about not needing to settle down with one woman because they can have their pick I usually dismiss them as immature and possibly not raised right (as far as marriage and relationships are concerned)..just being honest
 
Raspberry said:
I believe this part of it but most American men can get a woman to play the wifey role (not always with kids involved) for a long time.. While the average marrying age has been rising steadily over the past couple decades, it's really the family and cultural incentive to marry that matters the most IMO and many black men lack cultural examples and incentives to marry. A lot of black men who manage to become financially stable end up adopting the marriage norm as a matter of assimilation and status, it is still not necessarily a natural inclination for them... thus delaying it for so long.
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Very true.

I'll admit, my mind naturally goes to the scenario I posted when I think about this subject because that's what I personally see the most of. But I agree with the reasons you gave as well. :yep:
 
Why you ask? Partly, because women allow it! I see 50-11 threads on here about women complaining that live in boyfriend of 7+ years is acting shady and is non-committal it's like well, is this a surprise :look:. If you met him when you were 25 and now you're 34 don't act brand new and complain he won't commit. Furthermore, I always make it a point to find out a man's dating history. If he bounced around before he may have commitment issues and PUH-LEEZE don't think you gonna be the one to change him and then get sore when he moves on to the next. He showed you who he was and you refused to believe him. I get that some women don't want to marry but often they do but the men drag their feet and we let them. I don't think men get a pass. Oh no. I do, however, think women have more power than we often care to admit. If we did, we would have to stop dealing with rubbish and KIM and that might mean the worst thing ever: possibly being alone for a period of time.:rolleyes:

Why men, particularly AA men think they can act this way has alot to do with a lack of examples. I noticed in the past year alot of the African girls in my church (Nigerian/Ghanaian) have gotten engaged to their boyfriends, also from west Africa. In some cultures your father and mother expect that you settle down with the girl you've been dating for 2 or 3 years so they are held accountable. There are some AA families that instill this in their children but many dudes still act a fool. Okay, rant over. Wooosah!
 
I think it's because now there's no longer any shame associated with shacking and having kids OOW. People (especially men) want to get the benefits of marriage without the commitment.
 
lmao! My friend in Atlanta tried to date a 40 something guy who told her, "Why should I get married with all these women out here. I will get married when I am older and need someone to take care of me." :lachen: He has never been married but has four kids. Back to square one for her.

All of what everyone stated. A good amount of black men are not raised to value marriage. I just think that's what he comes to. Like someone said earlier, her can shack, play house and have a hold family without getting married.
 
Raspberry said:
I believe this part of it but most American men can get a woman to play the wifey role (not always with kids involved) for a long time.. While the average marrying age has been rising steadily over the past couple decades, it's really the family and cultural incentive to marry that matters the most IMO and many black men lack cultural examples and incentives to marry. A lot of black men who manage to become financially stable end up adopting the marriage norm as a matter of assimilation and status, it is still not necessarily a natural inclination for them... thus delaying it for so long.
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Wow, I totally agree even though I've never thought of it explicitly like this, especially @bolded.
 
Thanks, ladies! Keep them coming! I actually agree with all of these. I was just wondering if there were any other perspectives or information that perhaps I was missing.
 
I think because the men don't have their minds right and society is forever glorifying man-boy behaviour. Women will trip over themselves to be with/date/sex men who are in relationships and then turn around and say it's on the man to say no. Huh? We women make it too easy (chasing/entertaining men we shouldn't) and couple that with men not having their minds right and it's a disaster.
 
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The answer is simple. Marriage is not valued in the black American community, period. Other race men are raised knowing that marriage and family are a part of the grown up package and they behave accordingly. Once they reach a certain age, they seek out a marriageable woman and marry her. Black men don't do that because they are not shamed or shunned for creating illegitimate families or still acting like a man-child at 44 years old.

Get married for what? They can still have a loyal woman, children, regular sex, etc. All of the things that married men get but with no moral or legal responsibilities. Oh, and this is nothing new. The black American family has been broken for at least 40 years.
 
Oh, and I am tired of women being blamed for the behavior of these men. Black women were raised in the same dysfunctional black community as these men that we are talking about. They don't know what a healthy, functional relationship looks like any more than these men do yet they are always the ones blamed for men acting a fool. How is her fault when she's just as in the dark as the man is?

The ENTIRE community is broken.
 
Ok, I'll offer a differing opinion playing devil's advocate (omg I've never said that before! lol I hope I'm using it in the right context. ok..sorry lol). Maybe it's because black men want to be really stable before they get married...moreso than other men because they want to prove to themselves and the world that they're the best black man they can be. And they overcame stuff and yada yada. And it just takes longer to become as established as the black man wants to be and on their **** and everything...longer than their white (or other) counterparts who are comfy with just being established(as opposed to the BM wanting to be super duper wooper established).

See guys? They love us, they really do! They just want the absolute bestest for their wives...who are us, BW. :look::grin::drunk:
 
qchelle said:
Ok, I'll offer a differing opinion playing devil's advocate (omg I've never said that before! lol I hope I'm using it in the right context. ok..sorry lol). Maybe it's because black men want to be really stable before they get married...moreso than other men because they want to prove to themselves and the world that they're the best black man they can be. And they overcame stuff and yada yada. And it just takes longer to become as established as the black man wants to be and on their **** and everything...longer than their white (or other) counterparts who are comfy with just being established(as opposed to the BM wanting to be super duper wooper established).

See guys? They love us, they really do! They just want the absolute bestest for their wives...who are us, BW. :look::grin::drunk:
Click to expand...


If that were the case less black men would be in prison and there would be less OOWC.
 
what everyone said and

I also think blk ppl…don’t see enough healthy loving blk marriage imagesssss….so it has a heavy effect on our mental…in my personal life i saw that in my family so blk marriage is the norm to me

But outside of my family..i didn’t get the message that “ blk happy family united front” from outside sources..besides the cosbys that’s all I can remember

And even the cosby show was questioned for its authenticity…

The media bombards us with images—and our cultures images are heavily negative---
For example hip hop images are heavily displayed in our culture—sports figures are heavily ingrained in our culture

Happy blk family images in media or etc are not images I see on a daily basis…

if we see a blk mom and dad and happy children its almost like omgggg did you see that new such and such commercial or show or advertisement—it’s a happy blk family..wow cool

thank god for the obamas their happy blk family image will never ever be forgotten!!! U cant deny that families genuine loving nature…

my 2 cents
 
I don't know and frankly I stopped caring. I just decided to stop dating American black men. Problem solved. The change has been refreshing.:yep:
 
luckiestdestiny said:
I think it depends on where they are in their career (if we're talking ivy league, etc like you mentioned) and that includes all races. The ones climbing the latter, or trying to establish themselves (and are seriously aggressive in their pursuits are going to delay marriage until they get where they want to go).

The men are more likely to get married in their 30's or 40's even depending on where they live. My fiance is 34 however he spent the past years in CT (outside of the influence of NY) and around friends who were getting married shortly after becoming doctors, or in medical school. So I think it matters who he's around, and also where he thinks he is in his career.

That being said I'm sure there are many men who will play the field for as long as they can unless and those type of men, it's just worth filtering through and finding the others. Because I don't believe in convincing anyone. I think they make up their minds when they want to.

I do think the fact that wifey roles are coming into play and prolonging things as well. If no woman was willing to play these roles, then men would realize they can't use words or b.s mind games to keep women jumping through hoops to please them (instead of getting what they want out of the relationship as well.) all the while they know they just don't want to get married. I've had friends who say the guy will marry then when they get thistogether or that. ANd I'm like okay, whatever. Find the guy who wants you like you are, and doesn't have excuses for why he's not ready to marry you...but that's justme.

Also to some guys...we're just not the one but we'll prolonge it hoping to be (and thinking why isn't he ready?...uhm cause you're not the one).
Click to expand...


Whoever came up with this "wifey" mess needs to be shot in the head:yep:

I swear if I hear a dude going on and on about "wifey" that makes me not even want to deal with him.
 
I think it's really one-sided to put the blame on women. Yes women need to demand more and should not put themselves in situations that could delay marriage, however I believe that the concept of marriage isn't readily embraced by many black men, generally speaking. In fact, I have observed an oppositional culture to marriage especially among a certain sector of the black male population. Many will live with a woman for a lifetime without showing a willingness to marry her. While marriage is a cultural rite of passage for men of other races, it doesn't appear to be the same rite for black men, especially those who have negative attitudes toward marriage. After all, when you haven't observed married couples due to upbringing etc. and the only ideas you have about marriage are from "word on the street", your general attitude toward marriage/relationships will be biased/skewed, making you less likely to marry. If you see marriage as a trap, you will avoid it like the plague. On the other hand, if you see marriage as committed loving union you will want to marry the woman you love. Our attitudes shape our actions.
 
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This goes to the saying "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" PLENTY of free milk stands out there in these times. I gave my DF little samples so he'd have to stay to buy the cow!
 
Imani said:
Whoever came up with this "wifey" mess needs to be shot in the head:yep:

I swear if I hear a dude going on and on about "wifey" that makes me not even want to deal with him.
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:lachen: I hate it. I cringed to even type it. I did it because of the connotation.
 
Imani said:
Whoever came up with this "wifey" mess needs to be shot in the head:yep:

I swear if I hear a dude going on and on about "wifey" that makes me not even want to deal with him.
Click to expand...
I continuely profess my dislike of the word, "wifey" on this site and IRL and what it represents because a lot of women wear that like a badge of honor. YUCK
 
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