Why Do I Feel Bad?

N

ndidirod

New Member
So I'm trying to take LHCF's advice and date multiple men at once. (So far, I'm just at two men. Lol.) Anyway, here's my story about a guy I've been talking to for about 5 months.

So yea, we've been talking for 5 months long distance. We met last summer and went on a few dates. Before I left for the summer, he made it clear that he wasn't ready for a relationship nor was he ready for a LONG distance relationship. I was like ... okay ... then don't call me after I leave. I don't need anymore male friends; I'm looking for something serious. I was very serious when I said don't call. Why'd this fool call me later that day?

Anyway, as the months progressed, he would call about 2-3x a week saying that he "wants to get to know me" and that "he likes me" and that "he plans to visit me". Then he mails me a $30 gift for Christmas and again talks of seeing me again. That was the last time I heard from him.

Fastforward to yesterday, a month of not hearing from him, I call him. He sounds excited, happy, and surprised. I ask why he hasn't called; he says he's been really busy. I ask why he hasn't visited; he says he's been really busy. I cut to the point and ask him if he's dating anyone; he says he recently met someone: BINGO! Anyway, I chew him out for not having enough respect for me to tell me he's moved on; he says he hasn't moved on and that he still likes me. I chew him out about the gift and the so-called plans to visit; no cursing, but I was upset. Anyway, he eventually says "hey, let's talk about this later in the week." I say "no". Then he hangs up on me. I call back telling him how rude it was to hang up on me; he again says let's talk about this later; I say no. He says "I love you but I don't feel like talking about this now." He hangs up on me.

After that, I immediately blocked his number on my phone and deleted him from facebook. I emailed him a respectful message stating that he should've respected me enough to tell me he had no intention of visiting me and to tell me he is dating someone else. There was no point in sending me a gift. (He said on the phone that he sent it because I'm a special friend.) There was no point in saying he wanted to get to know me.

Now I'm feeling bad and I don't know why. What just happened?
 
Don't feel bad because he is doing him. He wants to not only have you as a option but obviously others. He is showing you his *** and you deserve better. I wish I can explain why guys contridict themselves but it really is because they want to have their cake and eat it too.
 
I have NO clue why you feel bad :perplexed:

Dude is playing games and needs to be out of your life.point.blank.period.

And if he calls again stand your ground and don't answer!
 
He's not your man, you aren't officially dating, you don't have a relationship with him, let alone an exclusive one, he told you what his intentions were (no relationship, esp. no long-distance relationship), yet you, YOU, chose to accept his calls 2-3x/week and accept a Christmas gift.

Men only "play" us if we are willing participants in their playground shennanigans.

If a guy stops calling you, you have your answer to where you stand in his mind. KIM!
 
starfish said:
He's not your man, you aren't officially dating, you don't have a relationship with him, let alone an exclusive one, he told you what his intentions were (no relationship, esp. no long-distance relationship), yet you, YOU, chose to accept his calls 2-3x/week and accept a Christmas gift.

Men only "play" us if we are willing participants in their playground shennanigans.

If a guy stops calling you, you have your answer to where you stand in his mind. KIM!
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I only accepted his calls and gift because he liked me and wanted to get to know me. I guess I was confused about his intentions - on one end, he's not ready for a relationship -- on the other end, he wants to get know me.
 
He didn't take you seriously because you allowed him to continue calling even after you told him not to.

Perhps what you feel is regret for not following your own advice. This could have bern easily avoided.
 
ndidirod said:
So I'm trying to take LHCF's advice and date multiple men at once. (So far, I'm just at two men. Lol.) Anyway, here's my story about a guy I've been talking to for about 5 months.

So yea, we've been talking for 5 months long distance. We met last summer and went on a few dates. Before I left for the summer, he made it clear that he wasn't ready for a relationship nor was he ready for a LONG distance relationship. I was like ... okay ... then don't call me after I leave. I don't need anymore male friends; I'm looking for something serious. I was very serious when I said don't call. Why'd this fool call me later that day?

Anyway, as the months progressed, he would call about 2-3x a week saying that he "wants to get to know me" and that "he likes me" and that "he plans to visit me". Then he mails me a $30 gift for Christmas and again talks of seeing me again. That was the last time I heard from him.

Fastforward to yesterday, a month of not hearing from him, I call him. He sounds excited, happy, and surprised. I ask why he hasn't called; he says he's been really busy. I ask why he hasn't visited; he says he's been really busy. I cut to the point and ask him if he's dating anyone; he says he recently met someone: BINGO! Anyway, I chew him out for not having enough respect for me to tell me he's moved on; he says he hasn't moved on and that he still likes me. I chew him out about the gift and the so-called plans to visit; no cursing, but I was upset. Anyway, he eventually says "hey, let's talk about this later in the week." I say "no". Then he hangs up on me. I call back telling him how rude it was to hang up on me; he again says let's talk about this later; I say no. He says "I love you but I don't feel like talking about this now." He hangs up on me.

After that, I immediately blocked his number on my phone and deleted him from facebook. I emailed him a respectful message stating that he should've respected me enough to tell me he had no intention of visiting me and to tell me he is dating someone else. There was no point in sending me a gift. (He said on the phone that he sent it because I'm a special friend.) There was no point in saying he wanted to get to know me.

Now I'm feeling bad and I don't know why. What just happened?
Click to expand...

Not sure why you feel bad. You started off saying you're dating multiple men.

Then you said for him to not call you...yet you call him after not hearing from him and get upset because you find out he's dating other people.
He doesn't owe you and explaination as to why he didn't tell you he wasn't coming to visit you, and that he's dating other people.

If you feel bad, you brought it upon yourself. You came hardcore, don't get sensitive now.
 
Thanks, ladies. I thought about it some more. I guess I feel bad for calling him last night. I wanted him to wake up one day and say "Hmm, I haven't heard from her in a minute. I like her and hope she's not taken yet". But I kind of shot that down by calling and making it look like I had been waiting for him. Anyway, given your comments, I do feel better about purging him from my life. Thanks.
 
^^^ Sorry this happened. No one likes rejection, no matter what the circumstances are. Also, thanks for not getting defensive about the tough love you were given. Being honest with yourself as you were in your last post is so important to self growth! Good luck in dating!
 
Err..he made it clear that he didnt want anything serious. AThe first time he said it, you should have believed him. now its like you're fighting and desperate for his attention

He hunbg up on you, yet you called back. For what? what is the apoilogy supposed to do?

he sent a giftcard that cant even fill up most tanks..like is that what this is about? Im confused.

This is EXACTLY why dating multiples is a good idea..after he made his intention clear you focus on the other.

Maybe I missed something :ohwell:
 
Saw your follow-up

Im glad you finally blocked him. Please DONT unblock him again. Move on to the next :yep:
 
You're right to be annoyed with his mixed signals, but your reaction suggests you had a lot invested into his promises of wanting to take things further. Dating multiple people requires maintaining a certain level of detachment and it doesn't sound like you're cut out for that.
 
I'm confused about why you're mad. You're dating other people and so is he. What is the problem? :perplexed
 
I'm so confused. What are you mad about...that you think he should have called after you told him not to call or that you feel like he's playing with your emotions.

Me personally, I think dating multiple men is playing with your emotions. I don't suscribe to that mentality. I can always drop kick a dude and start over but if I'm going to get to know him and he's trying to get to know me...then it's gotta be just the two of us.

That's not a committed relationship because we're not being sexually active, once that ensues then it's after we've agreed to commit to a monogamous relationship.

A lot of people may not agree with me but I'm not trying to be all caked up with you at the movies tonight then tomorrow night I'm with someone else in line at the movies, I see you and some other chick getting tickets and we all just bid each other hello. No that would be very uncool...

That's like eating dinner off the same plate with a stranger. Somethings are just not meant to be shared and dating someone I really like is one of them.
 
ElizaBlue said:
I'm so confused. What are you mad about...that you think he should have called after you told him not to call or that you feel like he's playing with your emotions.

Me personally, I think dating multiple men is playing with your emotions. I don't suscribe to that mentality. I can always drop kick a dude and start over but if I'm going to get to know him and he's trying to get to know me...then it's gotta be just the two of us.

That's not a committed relationship because we're not being sexually active, once that ensues then it's after we've agreed to commit to a monogamous relationship.

A lot of people may not agree with me but I'm not trying to be all caked up with you at the movies tonight then tomorrow night I'm with someone else in line at the movies, I see you and some other chick getting tickets and we all just bid each other hello. No that would be very uncool...

That's like eating dinner off the same plate with a stranger. Somethings are just not meant to be shared and dating someone I really like is one of them.
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ITA!!!!!:bounceline:
 
ndidirod said:
So I'm trying to take LHCF's advice and date multiple men at once.

Anyway, as the months progressed, he would call about 2-3x a week saying that he "wants to get to know me" and that "he likes me" and that "he plans to visit me". Then he mails me a $30 gift for Christmas and again talks of seeing me again. That was the last time I heard from him.
Click to expand...

This is not dating.
 
ndidirod said:
I only accepted his calls and gift because he liked me and wanted to get to know me. I guess I was confused about his intentions - on one end, he's not ready for a relationship -- on the other end, he wants to get know me.
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Um these are not mutually exclusive. How can he say he's not ready for a relationship but still wants to get to know you? Does't make any sense at at all. Let the situation and him go because he has already let you go and has moved on.

Where does it say in the LHCF manual to date multiple men at one time? I wouldn't play with this theory if you do meet someone you really like in the future. Again this doesn't make sense.
 
Last edited:
VelvetRain: There were a couple of threads that suggested dating multiple men at once. The hope is to lessen one's focus on one guy. I'm obviously not cut out for it because I really liked the guy. I've already let him go. I blocked his number and deleted him from facebook.
 
VelvetRain said:
Where does it say in the LHCF manual to date multiple men at one time? I wouldn't play with this theory if you do meet someone you really like in the future. Again this doesn't make sense.
Click to expand...

It has been recommended many a time here ( and other places) to actively date more than one person until commitment.

Does not work for everyone. It does not work for me emotionally. I know many people who do just fine dating one person at a time, even before a commitment.

I think its important not to close yourself off to a nice guy if you havent gotten a commitment, but actively going out and dating multiple men for the sake of saying you are actively dating....not for everyone.

I personally only feel confortable with my first through third dates overlapping. Once we make it past the third date, either someone is leading someone else on, or you really like each other. That's when its time to focus your energy on what you want. Doesnt mean you'll get a relationship or waste years daring a non commital freak but, it feels more appropriate and comfortable to me.

But thats me.




Sent from my iPhone
 
Err the reasoning behind it is that you date couple of guys (word is date not sleep around), figurte out which one is worth your time and drop the other and focus more on the other person. Simple as that. Only time it's leading someone on is when yall immedlately get emotional attached which shouldnt even happen early on anyway and STILL dating another

This has been a tried and true method for many women leading to marriage. some obviously can deal with it so they shouldnt bother but it shouldnt be condemned if it doesnt work for you.

The problem with the OP story is that he stated from the beginning that he wasnt looking for anyone serious and she continued hanging around anyway, if ANYTHING if she was truly dating others, after hearing that she would have gone on to the next instead of hoping this twit would change his mind.
 
I agree with Charz. But it doesn't matter if you're dating multiple people or not. If a guy tells you from the jump that you two are looking for two different things, you should exit immediately, before your feelings get to deeply involved. It will save you a lot of drama and hurt feelings.

A lot of guys will do this. Even though they don't want to commit, they still wanna bun, still want sex, companionship, and all the good things that come with a relationship. So they still go out and talk up girls and whatnot but have no intentions whatsoever of making things official. And they know this. And they will no personal conflict about the issue whatsoever, especially if they've told you that they're not ready for a relationship yet.

Either way, it doesn't sound like he's the man for you. It doesn't even sound like he likes you that much if he's hanging up on you and stuff. That is really inappropriate behavior..... you definitely deserve better than that blatant disrespect. I'm glad you cut him off.
 
Ladies, I'm not excusing my responsibility in the matter, but its not like this guy was an angel. I exited the situation once he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, but he knew what he was doing by calling me despite my saying no. I remember on one of the calls, he stated that we should give it time and get to know each other ... that the last lady he was with, he knew for years ... that he's uncomfortable jumping into relationship with someone he just met so soon. I tried not to invest too much into what he was saying; I thought I'd give him a chance to prove himself. After all, I will let you put in the work of getting to know me, if you really want to get to know me. He stated on many occasions that he really wanted to get to know me and had genuine feelings for me.

I'm not so much upset that I gave him that chance. I'm more so upset that I called a month after his calls stopped. If I could do it over again, I would've just deleted his number once his calls stopped and went on my merry way quietly. I was also upset that he didn't respect me enough to tell me that he had moved on. However, whom am I in his world, that he would feel obligated to tell me. I can't be mad at him for that part.

I've learned a lot from this situation. For one, I'm not cut out for multiple dating at all. It didn't less the sting of rejection for me. For two, the next guy that says he's not ready for a relationship will have his number immediately blocked and whatever gifts he sends immediately returned to him. Once you say you're not ready for a relationship, you won't have an opportunity to retract that statement in my book.

I'm taking responsibility for my part, but guys need to be more real and quit playing around just because they can. I tell you I'm looking for something serious. I tell you don't call me unless you want something serious. So why call me? Because you want to play.

Anyway, thanks for all your comments. I'm feeling really down right now, but I'll be alright.
 
I understand ndidirod

The most important thig is to listen to what people (men) tell you when they say it. Its one of those hard lessons to learn. Don't beat yourself up too much, we all make mistakes that we feel like we should have seen coming from a mile away. Your job is just to learn from it and Not make the same mistake.

Like you, to me it doesnt lessen the sting of rejection for me either, and i also just don't really like dating multiple people for a long time.

To the posters above, no need to get defensive, and the concept of sleeping with these people did not come up. Its just a counter to the advise that is often given here, that for some people it realky doesnt auit them well. For me I try to discern someone's seriousness and discuss "what are you looking for" within the first 3 dates, in fact I could not fathom waiting longer than that to ask. I just can't keep going out with someone I'm lukewarm on that many times, it doesnt work for me, doesnt remove the sting of rejection, and sometimes even drives me more to the one I do like. Some of us do not feel comfortable with it and dating multiple people is the dominating advice on the board. I think myself and the other posters who jumped in to say it doesnt really work for us either as a way of telling the OP its okay if it doesnt work for her. Many of my friends also don't do well with dating multiple men, and i'm old enough to know its just a different strategy. No shade meant to be thrown from my end.

Either way whether or not you feel confortable dating multiple people at once, there is no WRONG or RIGHT way, just find the strategy thats right for yourself.


Sent from my iPhone
 
ndidirod said:
belleama, ElizaBlue,

I made an update later in the thread. Thanks.
Click to expand...

I saw that before I posted. It really doesn't change my view. You were both dating other people. You didn't ask him and he didn't ask you to be exclusive. However, you expected him to do that. When he didn't immediately do that you got mad. I really don't understand. I mean I get that you caught feelings before he did but that is not really his fault if you didn't tell him that earlier and stop seeing the other guys. :ohwell:

Good luck with the next guy.
 
ndidirod said:
Ladies, I'm not excusing my responsibility in the matter, but its not like this guy was an angel. I exited the situation once he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, but he knew what he was doing by calling me despite my saying no. I remember on one of the calls, he stated that we should give it time and get to know each other ... that the last lady he was with, he knew for years ... that he's uncomfortable jumping into relationship with someone he just met so soon. I tried not to invest too much into what he was saying; I thought I'd give him a chance to prove himself. After all, I will let you put in the work of getting to know me, if you really want to get to know me. He stated on many occasions that he really wanted to get to know me and had genuine feelings for me.

I'm not so much upset that I gave him that chance. I'm more so upset that I called a month after his calls stopped. If I could do it over again, I would've just deleted his number once his calls stopped and went on my merry way quietly. I was also upset that he didn't respect me enough to tell me that he had moved on. However, whom am I in his world, that he would feel obligated to tell me. I can't be mad at him for that part.

I've learned a lot from this situation. For one, I'm not cut out for multiple dating at all. It didn't less the sting of rejection for me. For two, the next guy that says he's not ready for a relationship will have his number immediately blocked and whatever gifts he sends immediately returned to him. Once you say you're not ready for a relationship, you won't have an opportunity to retract that statement in my book.

I'm taking responsibility for my part, but guys need to be more real and quit playing around just because they can. I tell you I'm looking for something serious. I tell you don't call me unless you want something serious. So why call me? Because you want to play.

Anyway, thanks for all your comments. I'm feeling really down right now, but I'll be alright.
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Aww (((HUGS))) for you.

**rolling my eyes at the bolded. I swear men everywhere are all the same. Just know that I have totally been there. And so have several of my friends. I totally understand how you feel.

Dating is a learning process and you learn a lot about what you can and cannot deal with. Unfortunately its situations like these that teach us the most about setting and maintaining boundaries, and how to protect your heart and emotions.

You'll be okay. Personally, I'm a fan of retail therapy. When a guy hurts my feelings, I get a lot of solace out of buying things that I don't need. :yep:
 
ndidirod said:
Ladies, I'm not excusing my responsibility in the matter, but its not like this guy was an angel. I exited the situation once he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, but he knew what he was doing by calling me despite my saying no. I remember on one of the calls, he stated that we should give it time and get to know each other ... that the last lady he was with, he knew for years ... that he's uncomfortable jumping into relationship with someone he just met so soon. I tried not to invest too much into what he was saying; I thought I'd give him a chance to prove himself. After all, I will let you put in the work of getting to know me, if you really want to get to know me. He stated on many occasions that he really wanted to get to know me and had genuine feelings for me.

I'm not so much upset that I gave him that chance. I'm more so upset that I called a month after his calls stopped. If I could do it over again, I would've just deleted his number once his calls stopped and went on my merry way quietly. I was also upset that he didn't respect me enough to tell me that he had moved on. However, whom am I in his world, that he would feel obligated to tell me. I can't be mad at him for that part.

I've learned a lot from this situation. For one, I'm not cut out for multiple dating at all. It didn't less the sting of rejection for me. For two, the next guy that says he's not ready for a relationship will have his number immediately blocked and whatever gifts he sends immediately returned to him. Once you say you're not ready for a relationship, you won't have an opportunity to retract that statement in my book.

I'm taking responsibility for my part, but guys need to be more real and quit playing around just because they can. I tell you I'm looking for something serious. I tell you don't call me unless you want something serious. So why call me? Because you want to play.

Anyway, thanks for all your comments. I'm feeling really down right now, but I'll be alright.
Click to expand...
I feel you can casually date (no sex) and not be in a relationship and even accept gifts, but if you are looking for a relationship, no need to casually date..

Also OP, he didn't have to tell you he moved on, because he told you from jump he wasn't looking for a relationship.

I like how you have looked at what happened in retrospect and learned. WAY TO GO.
 
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