Why are men so damn PASSIVE???

[Belle Du Jour]

What is up with men today? They are so passive! Even if they give you signs, it's like they want to go 20% and let you go 80%! In general, I'm really oblivious when it comes to guys showing an interest so when I suspect something is up, it really IS up. But these men never go all the way. Maybe they're just not that into me. I just tell myself that the guy for me will not be ambiguous and will let it be known.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

See I totally feel you. I can't tell if they are being passive, or giving me the option to give an opinion or something.

Like SPIT IT OUT!

 

[longhairlover]

if a man has you wondering move on.......my friend was liking a guy he seemed interested she guesses, but he played games very passive, she eventually left it alone.

men nowadays don't understand it's their job to pursue us not the other way around, why play games like a chick? if you like a woman let her know. men are not men anymore

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

What is up with men today? They are so passive! Even if they give you signs, it's like they want to go 20% and let you go 80%! In general, I'm really oblivious when it comes to guys showing an interest so when I suspect something is up, it really IS up. But these men never go all the way. Maybe they're just not that into me. I just tell myself that the guy for me will not be ambiguous and will let it be known.

I never gave you permission to write about my life.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Interested to hear more. I haven't had this problem. Do you find that you are not "smiling" very much and/or very stern? I found a friend of mine who always seemed like she had a scowl complained that no one would approach her. OR are you really shy and just seem stand offish? That could also be a possibility. Just trying to find out more...

 

[Jazala]

What is up with men today? They are so passive! Even if they give you signs, it's like they want to go 20% and let you go 80%! In general, I'm really oblivious when it comes to guys showing an interest so when I suspect something is up, it really IS up. But these men never go all the way. Maybe they're just not that into me. I just tell myself that the guy for me will not be ambiguous and will let it be known.

You hit the nail on the head! If a guy is really interested he will chase you period. There will be no ambiguity. Go with your gut instinct but also be sure to pay attention to his ACTIONS over his WORDS.

 

[MissK7]

the man for me will let it be known and i'll let him know. i don't play games and i don't chase and neither will he.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

if a man has you wondering move on.......my friend was liking a guy he seemed interested she guesses, but he played games very passive, she eventually left it alone.

men nowadays don't understand it's their job to pursue us not the other way around, why play games like a chick? if you like a woman let her know. men are not men anymore

You said a mouthful here!!

 

[luckiestdestiny]

You hit the nail on the head! If a guy is really interested he will chase you period. There will be no ambiguity. Go with your gut instinct but also be sure to pay attention to his ACTIONS over his WORDS.

I think this is true too. There is definitely no reason to chase a man around. However I think it is valid to understand how you appear to men.

My FH and I had a passing convo about the same friend. We all went out to eat (some friends) and salsa dancing. Don't you know that no one asked her to dance (my sweetie and I were the only couple there the others were single). My friend asked a guys perspective what was going on. My FH said that she seemed highly aloof and though she was cute, intelligent, and nice how would anyone know that? He said that was probably why she got less attention, and that maybe guys assumed she wasn't interested in dating. He was referring to the "scowl" thing, but he just said it in a nice way.

So that's why I brought that up. I didn't think about it until the moment he said it. Then I remembered every where we went, she always looked so annoyed to be there.

So yes I think a guy should approach but we should also look approachable too. That's why I asked that question.

I do believe that a man who is truly interested will approach us, and they are the only ones worth considering. If you have to chase a man down, he's really not interested imo.

 

[makeupgirl]

I think this is true too. There is definitely no reason to chase a man around. However I think it is valid to understand how you appear to men.

My FH and I had a passing convo about the same friend. We all went out to eat (some friends) and salsa dancing. Don't you know that no one asked her to dance (my sweetie and I were the only couple there the others were single). My friend asked a guys perspective what was going on. My FH said that she seemed highly aloof and though she was cute, intelligent, and nice how would anyone know that? He said that was probably why she got less attention, and that maybe guys assumed she wasn't interested in dating. He was referring to the "scowl" thing, but he just said it in a nice way.

So that's why I brought that up. I didn't think about it until the moment he said it. Then I remembered every where we went, she always looked so annoyed to be there.

So yes I think a guy should approach but we should also look approachable too. That's why I asked that question.

I do believe that a man who is truly interested will approach us, and they are the only ones worth considering. If you have to chase a man down, he's really not interested imo.

You're FH was right on. I wonder sometimes if I appear aloof to some men but usually i'm not interested in dating anyway, except now that I'm talking to this guy i'm not really interested anyway in other men but I wonder is it possible that some women or men in general just come off looking naturally aloof? If I do appear aloof to others it's only because I have something on my mind like school and deadlines at work, but I get the what are you thinking about question a lot.

 

[MissJ]

I just tell myself that the guy for me will not be ambiguous and will let it be known.

Follow your own advice.

 

[MsLizziA]

I think this is true too. There is definitely no reason to chase a man around. However I think it is valid to understand how you appear to men.

My FH and I had a passing convo about the same friend. We all went out to eat (some friends) and salsa dancing. Don't you know that no one asked her to dance (my sweetie and I were the only couple there the others were single). My friend asked a guys perspective what was going on. My FH said that she seemed highly aloof and though she was cute, intelligent, and nice how would anyone know that? He said that was probably why she got less attention, and that maybe guys assumed she wasn't interested in dating. He was referring to the "scowl" thing, but he just said it in a nice way.

So that's why I brought that up. I didn't think about it until the moment he said it. Then I remembered every where we went, she always looked so annoyed to be there.

So yes I think a guy should approach but we should also look approachable too. That's why I asked that question.

I do believe that a man who is truly interested will approach us, and they are the only ones worth considering. If you have to chase a man down, he's really not interested imo.

So true! If you never remember anything else, remember this men pay to get into a club to be around women while women get in free. Have you ever known a business to charge women and the men get in free?No never but that's because where women are, men will do whateva the have to go where the ladies are.
And even if they did, how long do you honestly believe this place would be in business?

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

My FH said that she seemed highly aloof and though she was cute, intelligent, and nice how would anyone know that? He said that was probably why she got less attention, and that maybe guys assumed she wasn't interested in dating. He was referring to the "scowl" thing, but he just said it in a nice way.

Ok, dumb question coming but what on earth does "aloof" mean?

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Ok, dumb question coming but what on earth does "aloof" mean?

Aloof means to appear distant or uninterested. I fear that I hve this appearance at times.

 

[jeanghrey]

What's wrong w/ men these days? I think it's a couple different reasons. I hate to say it but I think women are partly to blame, at least the fallout from he women's movement anyway, putting too much emphasis on being aggressive, acting like a man; too many single parent homes headed by women w/ no male for men to model themselves after. Gender roles are blurred nowadays, and it's not uncommon for men to expect to be chased these days, especially if they're half way decent looking w/ their act together. Too many women willing to play the role of hunter, I can't even say I blame the men anymore, if I could get everything I wanted without having to work for it, I'd do the same too.

 

[NaturalPath]

Maybe we females should stop being so traditional and become the aggressors its 2010!....if you like a man but are unsure if he likes you whats wrong with just asking him?

 

[cheetarah1980]

Maybe we females should stop being so traditional and become the aggressors its 2010!....if you like a man but are unsure if he likes you whats wrong with just asking him?

Because if a man isn't approaching or pursuing you 99.9% of the time it's because he's just not interested. So why would a woman bother chasing down a man who doesn't want her in the first place. Men love to chase anyways, so it's best to let them do what they're born to do anyways. I've found that women (myself included) who have had to chase down the man are never happy in their relationships (if they actually do get the guy) because they're the ones who are still doing all the work to maintain it. No thanks, not worth it when there are plenty of other men who would be interested and wouldn't even give you the chance to pursue them cause they've already taken care of it.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Maybe we females should stop being so traditional and become the aggressors its 2010!....if you like a man but are unsure if he likes you whats wrong with just asking him?

Umm no. I love being a traditional feminine woman, even in 2010. A guy who is really interested will not have me wondering.

 

[jwhitley6]

I will say this...men seem more insecure these days and sensitive. I agree with the post that said "men aren't me anymore". I don't think it's completely their fault. Society/media plays a role in making us feel like we aren't enough (men and women). Men these days take even the tiniest bit or rejection to heart. It shatters their more-fragile-than-usual ego. I think that's why so many are cautions and ambiguous when it comes to pursuing a woman. They don't want to be hurt so they need to KNOW that you want them. They lack a true confidence in who they are; no self-worth beyond what they own materially. It's sad...it really is.

Now on the other side of the coin...women should stop expecting every man to chase her. Your value as a woman does not lie in how many men are trying to holla. I hear women say "I'm the prize" and it makes me shake my head. Chasing and being chased can get tiring after a while. Instead of all the running around, why not just slow down and get to know each other?? I will NEVER agree that a woman should chase a man. However, the landscape has changed, we may need to learn to navigate it a bit differently. JMHO

 

[chocolat79]

I will say this...men seem more insecure these days and sensitive. I agree with the post that said "men aren't me anymore". I don't think it's completely their fault. Society/media plays a role in making us feel like we aren't enough (men and women). Men these days take even the tiniest bit or rejection to heart. It shatters their more-fragile-than-usual ego. I think that's why so many are cautions and ambiguous when it comes to pursuing a woman. They don't want to be hurt so they need to KNOW that you want them. They lack a true confidence in who they are; no self-worth beyond what they own materially. It's sad...it really is.

Now on the other side of the coin...women should stop expecting every man to chase her. Your value as a woman does not lie in how many men are trying to holla. I hear women say "I'm the prize" and it makes me shake my head. Chasing and being chased can get tiring after a while. Instead of all the running around, why not just slow down and get to know each other?? I will NEVER agree that a woman should chase a man. However, the landscape has changed, we may need to learn to navigate it a bit differently. JMHO

100% cosign!!!

 

[Harina]

I will say this...men seem more insecure these days and sensitive. I agree with the post that said "men aren't me anymore". I don't think it's completely their fault. Society/media plays a role in making us feel like we aren't enough (men and women). Men these days take even the tiniest bit or rejection to heart. It shatters their more-fragile-than-usual ego. I think that's why so many are cautions and ambiguous when it comes to pursuing a woman. They don't want to be hurt so they need to KNOW that you want them. They lack a true confidence in who they are; no self-worth beyond what they own materially. It's sad...it really is.

Now on the other side of the coin...women should stop expecting every man to chase her. Your value as a woman does not lie in how many men are trying to holla. I hear women say "I'm the prize" and it makes me shake my head. Chasing and being chased can get tiring after a while. Instead of all the running around, why not just slow down and get to know each other?? I will NEVER agree that a woman should chase a man. However, the landscape has changed, we may need to learn to navigate it a bit differently. JMHO

This was a beautiful post.

 

[gabulldawg]

What is up with men today? They are so passive! Even if they give you signs, it's like they want to go 20% and let you go 80%! In general, I'm really oblivious when it comes to guys showing an interest so when I suspect something is up, it really IS up. But these men never go all the way. Maybe they're just not that into me. I just tell myself that the guy for me will not be ambiguous and will let it be known.

You hit the nail on the head! If a guy is really interested he will chase you period. There will be no ambiguity. Go with your gut instinct but also be sure to pay attention to his ACTIONS over his WORDS.

ITA. I was just coming in here to say that my DH was not passive when it came to dating and starting our relationship. In fact, he was actually quite the opposite. He knew what he wanted and he went for it without wasting any time. He made the first move and made it known since day 1 that he was interested. No passivity, no games, no mess. I have never had to guess whether or not this man wanted to be with me because he made it known through his actions. I REALLY wish women would understand that if a man is passive towards pursuing you, then he is really not interested. Or, at best, you are just an option to him.

The funny part is that my DH is actually a very quiet, shy, and passive man in terms of his demeanor. But he STILL did what he had to do to pursue me. Later on in our relationship he did express how hard it was for him to pursue me and make the first move with everything. BUT he did it anyway, because he knew that's what he had to do in order to ensure that I would be his.

 

[CurlyMoo]

ITA. I was just coming in here to say that my DH was not passive when it came to dating and starting our relationship. In fact, he was actually quite the opposite. He knew what he wanted and he went for it without wasting any time. He made the first move and made it known since day 1 that he was interested. No passivity, no games, no mess. I have never had to guess whether or not this man wanted to be with me because he made it known through his actions. I REALLY wish women would understand that if a man is passive towards pursuing you, then he is really not interested. Or, at best, you are just an option to him.

The funny part is that my DH is actually a very quiet, shy, and passive man in terms of his demeanor. But he STILL did what he had to do to pursue me. Later on in our relationship he did express how hard it was for him to pursue me and make the first move with everything. BUT he did it anyway, because he knew that's what he had to do in order to ensure that I would be his.

So what was your demanor while he was pursuing you? Were you equally aggressive or were you aloof yet approachable?

 

[CurlyMoo]

I've found that when a woman shows 10% interest in a guy and puts out 25% effort into the forming of a relatinoship, the guy usually bends over backwords with his display of affection and interests. Men love the chase, women aren't suppose to be the workhorse of the relationship. That's why men are so lazy. Woman are very aggressive toward men these days.

Even the shy or lazy menfolk will put a lot of effort at the beginning of the relationship. Then it's up to the woman to see if she can maintain his interests.

 

[gabulldawg]

So what was your demanor while he was pursuing you? Were you equally aggressive or were you aloof yet approachable?

At first I wasn't very interested, and I acted that way. So I guess I was aloof at first. Even on the night we met I didn't really pay him much attention. But it was because I was really stuck on my ex at that time. I eventually told him that I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship, and that my ex was still trying to get back with me. I actually initially thought that my dating my now DH would make my ex "act right" and I would end up back with him. I was pretty dumb at that time. But, when my DH wanted to hang out or take me to dinner I accepted his invitations. I never turned him down. Eventually I was able to let go of my ex and became more interested in him. But I never really had to be aggressive or do any work with him.

 

[gabulldawg]

I've found that when a woman shows 10% interest in a guy and puts out 25% effort into the forming of a relatinoship, the guy usually bends over backwords with his display of affection and interests. Men love the chase, women aren't suppose to be the workhorse of the relationship. That's why men are so lazy. Woman are very aggressive toward men these days.

Even the shy or lazy menfolk will put a lot of effort at the beginning of the relationship. Then it's up to the woman to see if she can maintain his interests.

ITA! I think that's part of what made my DH never give up. I didn't make it easy for him. I didn't pursue him. He knew that there was at least one other guy that wanted to be with me (even though he was a crappy guy ). So he was smart enough to understand that being passive wouldn't get him anywhere with me.

 

[CurlyMoo]

ITA! I think that's part of what made my DH never give up. I didn't make it easy for him. I didn't pursue him. He knew that there was at least one other guy that wanted to be with me (even though he was a crappy guy ). So he was smart enough to understand that being passive wouldn't get him anywhere with me.

Yes, I also forgot to add competition to one of the reason why men pursue women. Men like to see that the women they want, other men want too. I've told guys that I was unavailable and involved with someone and the response is always, "I didn't ask you that," "What's that got to do with me?," "If you get tired of him......" "I don't want to cause no problems, I just want to talk."

 

[Theo]

I think its because they're afraid of rejection.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

I think its because they're afraid of rejection.

This I don't understand. If some men were so afraid of rejection then how do they manage to color with someone? I would think if you were so afraid to approach a woman then coloring with them would be non-existent. ohwell:

 

[itismehmmkay]

IDK in my experience, regardless of how shy or socially weird I may think a guy is I always see the hunter in him. It's there, let him use it.