Who is SO really???
- Thread starter lesedi
- Start date
Sosoothing
Well-Known Member
I completely agree. Even though you have been spending a lot of time together, it is different if it was mostly around friends or family. Also, you can tell a lot about a person by looking at how they treat and talk to strangers or people they don't have to be nice to.
NaturalRed
Well-Known Member
@caltron; we spend a lot of time together- pretty much 5-6 times a week etc so i'm not sure why this came up now. i think my 'high' is coming down and i'm starting to see things i was ignorant to before?? We are also usually around my friends(black) but on holiday we spent a lot of time with a couple from portugal and a couple from California who were at our hotel and did a safari drive with us (both white) and i feel his behaviour towards me changed dramatically.....It's like he was proving his 'whiteness' (forgive me) to the other people. It was so different to how he acts around my black friends and fam...it makes me think now that he has been putting on an act. At home, i'm his girlfriend but when we were away, i was his BLACK girlfriend. He seemed much more conscious of it almost.
About the red flags, I'm questioning a lot of things. It felt wonderful for a man to want to commit to me and to be vocal about his intentions with me. Those are qualities i would have loved my exes to have had. But, if i'm being truthful, it was pretty early into the relationship. Was he locking me down? was it borne out of insecurity or possession?
I'm questioning everything now
How did he treat you around his own family and friends? Or have you never met them?
hopeful
Well-Known Member
^^^Because that was the trigger and his behavior really bothered her. Who wants their white bf talkin' 'bout "the blacks"? And treating waitstaff poorly? I think that is what opened her eyes and it is not a small or petty thing. But I do agree that if she wants a black husband that is a really big issue, like huge.
NaijaTroll
New Member
agreed. Instead of avoiding, talk to him about it. even if you two end up breaking up, he should know about how you felt during the trip and his behavior, how much it bothered you.
aftr you get that off your chest, go from there
NaijaTroll
New Member
see the thing is lesedi is in SA. Keep in mind that apartheid ended fairly recently. They went to Mozambique, an African country which probably doesnt have as many white people as SA does(correct me if Im wrong lesedi) so I can understand her getting very uncomfortable with his behavior towards other black Africans esp when he's NOT normally that way.
Plus everyone knows a person rude to service people are/become arseholes in other areas.
she needs to tell him about his behavior and lke you said break up since she's really focused on having a black family
lesedi
All is well with me
NaturalRed his family live in spain but have been to visit him once in the time we have been together. He was great, they are too. His friends are fine too, he mostly has ex-pat friends and black south african friends. White South Africans don't mix much
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lesedi
All is well with me
Who wants a white bf at all when you want a black husband? I just think the waitstaff issue is like focusing on the mosquito bite next to a gaping open wound
mischka I have always been attracted to black men primarily. I met a great white guy and didnt cross him off my list because he was white....it's only now i'm realising that having a black partner is quite important to me. And as for the black kids thing, you know what i meant, i know they would still be black either way with me as their mother.
Optimus_Prime
Well-Known Member
Hi everyone
I recently went on a gorgeous weekend away with BF to maputo, Mozambique. i reccomend everyone visit at least once! The food was sublime, the beaches were great and the people very warm an d welcoming. i had a great time all in all.......BUT I have started to doubt if BF is the one for me. It sounds pretty insignificant but the way he treated people who served him (waiters, concierges etc..) really rubbed me the wrong way. He was aggressive and verbose. These are qualities that i have never seen in him prior. To give you a lil background, we have been dating for a little under a year now and he has been very vocal about his plans with me with regards to wanting to marry me, have kids with me, start a business with etc and up til now, i have been 100% on board. My instinct is telling me otherwise lately. BF is spanish (yt) and i felt like his black trophy 'wifey' on this trip. He was less loving and affectinate and more sexual (don't get me wrong, i love that usually) and i felt like a commodity almost. I don't know how to explain it....
Since we got back on monday, i have lied to him and said that i was very busy because i really want to know what decision i want to make before i see him. I also think that ultimately, I want black kids and a black husband. I have always been more (sexually and otherwise) attracted to black men and i think the haze of euphoria is starting to die down and my natural preferences are starting to take precedence.
i know alot of this post doesn't make sense cos i'm still making sense of my feelings in my head. It just doesn't feel good to think you found the one (AGAIN) and realise it isn't so. i do love him but unlike in earler years, i'm not going to get cheated on or abused before i trust my instincts. i think my previous break-ups make this feel like apetty reason to spliterplexed But i DID NOT like the streak i saw in him. It's only a matter of time before i'm at the receiving end of it.
Maputo, Lucky you! I've never been, but have been to Beira. That was in the 90s, post civil war, and it was a catastrophe. The most devastated place I've been to, complete with children begging for food out of my mouth. I'd like to see how the country has recovered, especially to see the capital. There are many wonderful people, there!
Anyway, I don't know. I would cut him a little slack with "the blacks" only because his first language is not English, right? Had he been saying it before? Does he also say "the whites"?
Anyway, you don't really want a white guy. You're in SA, there are black people everywhere! And not just SA black men, but black men from all over the continent. And from outside of the continent. Probably at least as many as there are Spaniards, right?
Because this is kind of a window into your true nature. As someone once explained to me, it shows you how the person acts when they feel they don't have to be respectful. That that is how they would treat a lot of people if they felt they could get away with it. How you treat people you don't have to be nice to says a lot about your character. Though I don't know why people think they don't have to be nice to people who handle their food.
lesedi
All is well with me
Hi mwedzi
It was beautiful honestly. i must say that it was still very poor in areas and the street vendors etc will hassle you until you buy anything....for any price. Poverty'll do that to ya
But in terms of tourism they seem like they are developing. I tend to avoid very touristy spots though...you're right, English is not his first language....but his English is usually flawless and in the past he has said 'black people' instead of 'the blacks'. He also said 'white people' when referring to the portuguese colonizers ...so why the difference when other white people are around. I'm actually still mad about it (like you cant tell lmao)
Optimus_Prime he is from Madrid but still has a contract at the spanish embassy here in Johnanesburg (he works in diplomacy) until early november i think..., i was supposed to be in the UK for a sabbatical and work research (and to see my mates, my mum and raid BSS's lol) right now (but things haven't been going according to plan) and he had planned to transfer to London so we could be together. It's still up in the air whether he'll do that or not, cos he could easily renew his contract with the spanish embassy here...
GeorginaSparks
Well-Known Member
lesedi
All is well with me
We met for breakfast, just got back now.
I had to follow my gut. Single again
I will say that he took the news quite badly, i guess it was quite a shock. I understand his confusion cos it was quite an impulsive decision on my part.
i think i'm going to focus on my work and other areas of my life. I'm starting to doubt if i can find the right one for me (excuse my pity party)
Once again, thanks to all the ladies who gave me advice. very very much appreciated.
I had to follow my gut. Single again
I will say that he took the news quite badly, i guess it was quite a shock. I understand his confusion cos it was quite an impulsive decision on my part.
i think i'm going to focus on my work and other areas of my life. I'm starting to doubt if i can find the right one for me
(excuse my pity party)Once again, thanks to all the ladies who gave me advice. very very much appreciated.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
We met for breakfast, just got back now.
I had to follow my gut. Single again
I will say that he took the news quite badly, i guess it was quite a shock. I understand his confusion cos it was quite an impulsive decision on my part.
i think i'm going to focus on my work and other areas of my life. I'm starting to doubt if i can find the right one for me
Once again, thanks to all the ladies who gave me advice. very very much appreciated.
I'm sure it hurts but kudos to you for making the decision you thought was best anyway. That can be a VERY difficult thing to do.
Windsy
New Member
We met for breakfast, just got back now.
I had to follow my gut. Single again
I will say that he took the news quite badly, i guess it was quite a shock. I understand his confusion cos it was quite an impulsive decision on my part.
i think i'm going to focus on my work and other areas of my life. I'm starting to doubt if i can find the right one for me
Once again, thanks to all the ladies who gave me advice. very very much appreciated.
you're allowed to have a pitty party....
addaboutmyhair
Active Member
Good luck! And I find learning about and working on myself makes it much easier to develop healthy strong relationships with others.
lavaflow99
In search of the next vacation
GeorginaSparks
Well-Known Member
Good job. Now let's try and find you a man that's not a douchebag!
carcajada
Well-Known Member
We met for breakfast, just got back now.
I had to follow my gut. Single again
I will say that he took the news quite badly, i guess it was quite a shock. I understand his confusion cos it was quite an impulsive decision on my part.
i think i'm going to focus on my work and other areas of my life. I'm starting to doubt if i can find the right one for me
Once again, thanks to all the ladies who gave me advice. very very much appreciated.
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wannabelong
Well-Known Member
You did what was best for you and that's a good thing.
WhoIAm
Well-Known Member
We met for breakfast, just got back now.
I had to follow my gut. Single again
I will say that he took the news quite badly, i guess it was quite a shock. I understand his confusion cos it was quite an impulsive decision on my part.
i think i'm going to focus on my work and other areas of my life. I'm starting to doubt if i can find the right one for me
Once again, thanks to all the ladies who gave me advice. very very much appreciated.
I think in you heart of hearts you knew he wasn't right for you. I'm surprised and I bow to your ability to make a decision so quickly.
Did you give him all the reasons you were calling it off?
NaijaTroll
New Member
We met for breakfast, just got back now.
I had to follow my gut. Single again
I will say that he took the news quite badly, i guess it was quite a shock. I understand his confusion cos it was quite an impulsive decision on my part.
i think i'm going to focus on my work and other areas of my life. I'm starting to doubt if i can find the right one for me
Once again, thanks to all the ladies who gave me advice. very very much appreciated.
well you did mention that he intended on transferrkng to the UK to be around you, so I'd say he did take it all seriously
Did you ask him about his behavior during the vacation and what bothered you?
lesedi
All is well with me
kestia NaijaTroll
yep, i told him what bothered me about our weekend away. i specifically highlighted the 'race' stuff , because if i'm honest, i think the rudeness to waitstaff could have been attributed to that too(subconsciously maybe???). I don't think he is a bad guy, he genuinally wants to make things better and has been blowing up my phone this entire day saying he'll prove himself to me. which i think is nice, but unneccesary.
I'm proud of myself actually. It may not seem like it, but it was a hard decision to make. I just think that at 26, i should try listening and acting on my gut more often- it would have saved me many a time before this.
but today it's ice-cream and both Adele albums on repeat
yep, i told him what bothered me about our weekend away. i specifically highlighted the 'race' stuff , because if i'm honest, i think the rudeness to waitstaff could have been attributed to that too(subconsciously maybe???). I don't think he is a bad guy, he genuinally wants to make things better and has been blowing up my phone this entire day saying he'll prove himself to me. which i think is nice, but unneccesary.
I'm proud of myself actually. It may not seem like it, but it was a hard decision to make. I just think that at 26, i should try listening and acting on my gut more often- it would have saved me many a time before this.
but today it's ice-cream and both Adele albums on repeat
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Do_Si_Dos
Well-Known Member
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