Who is SO really???

[lesedi]

Hi everyone

I recently went on a gorgeous weekend away with BF to maputo, Mozambique. i reccomend everyone visit at least once! The food was sublime, the beaches were great and the people very warm an d welcoming. i had a great time all in all.......BUT I have started to doubt if BF is the one for me. It sounds pretty insignificant but the way he treated people who served him (waiters, concierges etc..) really rubbed me the wrong way. He was aggressive and verbose. These are qualities that i have never seen in him prior. To give you a lil background, we have been dating for a little under a year now and he has been very vocal about his plans with me with regards to wanting to marry me, have kids with me, start a business with etc and up til now, i have been 100% on board. My instinct is telling me otherwise lately. BF is spanish (yt) and i felt like his black trophy 'wifey' on this trip. He was less loving and affectinate and more sexual (don't get me wrong, i love that usually) and i felt like a commodity almost. I don't know how to explain it....

Since we got back on monday, i have lied to him and said that i was very busy because i really want to know what decision i want to make before i see him. I also think that ultimately, I want black kids and a black husband. I have always been more (sexually and otherwise) attracted to black men and i think the haze of euphoria is starting to die down and my natural preferences are starting to take precedence.

i know alot of this post doesn't make sense cos i'm still making sense of my feelings in my head. It just doesn't feel good to think you found the one (AGAIN) and realise it isn't so. i do love him but unlike in earler years, i'm not going to get cheated on or abused before i trust my instincts. i think my previous break-ups make this feel like apetty reason to spliterplexed But i DID NOT like the streak i saw in him. It's only a matter of time before i'm at the receiving end of it.

 

[MzLady78]

I don't think it's insignificant at all. In fact, I think it says a lot about him. Working in law firm, I know how it is to be the low man on the totem pole, dealing with attorneys who think they're better than you. Hell, just being a Black woman, I know how that feels! So I treat EVERYONE the same- from the women cleaning the bathroom to the chairman of the firm. I don't look down on anyone, I don't kiss anyone's a**, and I don't particularly care for people who do either.

Having said that, I think you have every right to be concerned that you may someday be on the receiving end and I don't think you should dismiss what your instincts are telling you. Too many times, we ignore the red flags and by the time we're ready to heed them, we're so deep in the situation that we're scared to get out. Take some time and really think about how you want to proceed.

 

[Giselle685]

Don't do anything untiil you are ready for the consequences, and can accept them indefinitely.

As for you desiring a black man with black kids. . . . You should reevaluate if you can truly give this man the love that he would deserve in relation to you being his lifelong parter.

As for him being rude to staff each place you went.. if you actually decide to continue with him.. this is a situation worth addressing.

 

[caltron]

How much time have you spent with this man before this trip?? A year seems like enough time to really get to know someone if you have spent a great deal of time around them.

If you had just met this guy, I'd say his behavior would be a deal breaker, but since you've been with him for a while, I'm not sure what to tell you. This behavior could be a sign that this is who he really is, but it could just be an isolated incident. Looking back, have you seen other red flags that you might have overlooked? Could it be the fact that he was "something new" clouded your vision on his negative traits, but now that you're used to being in a IR you're just noticing them now?

 

[MixedBerry]

Im thinking you already have the answer, the solution, to what you want...its just now dealing with the hard part of following through with that solution to your happiness.....

The fact that you mentioned this issue for you is "'petty" compared to your other breakups in the past says, to me at least, that you are justifying why you should stay and not follow through with the solution you have already been thinking about for a while now.


I know it is hard and it feels really good to get support for why you feel the way you do. Thats why we post here, because we feel a certain and we just want to check to see if that way is right.


Go with your gut.

 

[lesedi]

caltron; we spend a lot of time together- pretty much 5-6 times a week etc so i'm not sure why this came up now. i think my 'high' is coming down and i'm starting to see things i was ignorant to before?? We are also usually around my friends(black) but on holiday we spent a lot of time with a couple from portugal and a couple from California who were at our hotel and did a safari drive with us (both white) and i feel his behaviour towards me changed dramatically.....It's like he was proving his 'whiteness' (forgive me) to the other people. It was so different to how he acts around my black friends and fam...it makes me think now that he has been putting on an act. At home, i'm his girlfriend but when we were away, i was his BLACK girlfriend. He seemed much more conscious of it almost.

About the red flags, I'm questioning a lot of things. It felt wonderful for a man to want to commit to me and to be vocal about his intentions with me. Those are qualities i would have loved my exes to have had. But, if i'm being truthful, it was pretty early into the relationship. Was he locking me down? was it borne out of insecurity or possession?
I'm questioning everything now

 

[ThickHair]

Rude people never suddenly get, "Unrude", the rudeness usually escalades. I can't deal with rude folks and people who litter (yeah, random I know).

 

[MzLady78]

Rude people never suddenly get, "Unrude", the rudeness usually escalades. I can't deal with rude folks and people who litter (yeah, random I know).

Litterers drive me crazy too.

 

[MixedBerry]

@caltron; we spend a lot of time together- pretty much 5-6 times a week etc so i'm not sure why this came up now. i think my 'high' is coming down and i'm starting to see things i was ignorant to before?? We are also usually around my friends(black) but on holiday we spent a lot of time with a couple from portugal and a couple from California who were at our hotel and did a safari drive with us (both white) and i feel his behaviour towards me changed dramatically.....It's like he was proving his 'whiteness' (forgive me) to the other people. It was so different to how he acts around my black friends and fam...it makes me think now that he has been putting on an act. At home, i'm his girlfriend but when we were away, i was his BLACK girlfriend. He seemed much more conscious of it almost.

About the red flags, I'm questioning a lot of things. It felt wonderful for a man to want to commit to me and to be vocal about his intentions with me. Those are qualities i would have loved my exes to have had. But, if i'm being truthful, it was pretty early into the relationship. Was he locking me down? was it borne out of insecurity or possession?
I'm questioning everything now

Ok this may sound weird, but sometimes wanting to commit and being so strongly about it can sometimes be a sign of control. I know, I know, it sounds crazy but you have to look at all the other things about this man as well. It will put it into context. Some men want to "commit" because its a way of owning you and they know that by saying they want to commit, because some women love the idea of commitment, they know its easier to get the woman. Its like theyre thinking, Im taking her off the market for me only, no one else can have her. I see it kinda like a selfish commitment.

I am prepared for the stones.

 

[lesedi]

MixedBerry no, i actually agree! if it comes from a genuine place thats different but sometimes it can be about 'owning' the woman.

 

[Poohbear]

i know alot of this post doesn't make sense cos i'm still making sense of my feelings in my head. It just doesn't feel good to think you found the one (AGAIN) and realise it isn't so. i do love him but unlike in earler years, i'm not going to get cheated on or abused before i trust my instincts. i think my previous break-ups make this feel like apetty reason to spliterplexed But i DID NOT like the streak i saw in him. It's only a matter of time before i'm at the receiving end of it.

lesedi - I did read your entire post, but the bolded part stuck out to me... Do you feel like your BF has the potential to be a cheater or an abuser? If so, what actions of his is making you think this besides the agression towards the waiters?

 

[MzLady78]

Ok this may sound weird, but sometimes wanting to commit and being so strongly about it can sometimes be a sign of control. I know, I know, it sounds crazy but you have to look at all the other things about this man as well. It will put it into context. Some men want to "commit" because its a way of owning you and they know that by saying they want to commit, because some women love the idea of commitment, they know its easier to get the woman. Its like theyre thinking, Im taking her off the market for me only, no one else can have her. I see it kinda like a selfish commitment.

I am prepared for the stones.

Honestly, coupled with the behavior OP is describing, I think this is a valid concern.

 

[Dposh167]

Im curious op. What do u mean he treated u like his black gfriend? Could u give examples of how he changed in treating u.

sent from Droid incredible II

 

[lesedi]

lesedi - I did read your entire post, but the bolded part stuck out to me... Do you feel like your BF has the potential to be a cheater or an abuser? If so, what actions of his is making you think this besides the agression towards the waiters?

Maybe. but in all honesty, i was referring to the way past relationships have ended. Verbally, i think he can be to a certain extent. He's not calling me beech or anything but he can be condescending (or at least of late).
There are a lot of voids in my posts but i guess that is representative of the way i'm thinking right now.
The major issue for me though was him acting like an old colonial master amongst white people....It just pi$$ed me all the way off. He knows full well he doesn't act that way around my people. But does he want to??? i won't deal with pseudo-racism with the man i am involved with. can't be done.

 

[lesedi]

Im curious op. What do u mean he treated u like his black gfriend? Could u give examples of how he changed in treating u.

sent from Droid incredible II

Like he made me the spokesperson for all black peopleerplexed and when we at a museum he said 'the blacks'

 

[Klearli]

GO WITH YOUR GUT. That's all I can say.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2 using T-Mobile G2

 

[Esthi777]

Like he made me the spokesperson for all black peopleerplexed and when we at a museum he said 'the blacks'

"The Blacks" <<<<<<< THIS I would have a problem with. If my DH ever said that, it would be WWE. There is something about the way that sounds when it rolls off the tongue. "Black people" would have sounded much better.

 

[*SkolarStar*]

"The Blacks"??? Who does he think he is? He knows good and well that he wouldn't use such language in front of your family but he uses it to you? Make a mental list of things he's been doing that make you uncomfortable. I say confront him about it. If he gives the "well, you know what I was saying" mess, go with your gut.

 

[lux10023]

seems like when he is around his clr amigas his true self comes out..and thats a main thing about clr men..i feel they act one way around their ppl and one way around our ppl...

clr.. and rude...and condescending....no i will not be marrying that im good!

dude is showing str8 sneak peaks into what life would be like with him..and

whether its friends or family..I BELIEVE YOU SEE PPLS TRUE COLORS WHEN TRAVELING WITH THEM!!!

 

[Etherealsmile]

Your intuition will rarely, if ever lie to you. If you're feeling unsettled, chances are those feelings will continue to get worse until you two eventually break up.

I can't stand a man who is rude and unpleasant to waitstaff or anyone else who works in the service industry. IMO that's a huge red flag that he has some serious character flaws

 

[lexi08]

seems like when he is around his clr amigas his true self comes out..and thats a main thing about clr men..i feel they act one way around their ppl and one way around our ppl...

clr.. and rude...and condescending....no i will not be marrying that im good!

dude is showing str8 sneak peaks into what life would be like with him..and

whether its friends or family..I BELIEVE YOU SEE PPLS TRUE COLORS WHEN TRAVELING WITH THEM!!!

I truly believe you can get to know someone better when go on vacation/taking trips with them. I discovered some issues with an ex some years ago, when I went on a weekend trip with him. Opened my eyes to some things we did not last long after that.

 

[Lucie]

I am happy you saw this NOW as opposed to later with a ring on your finger, with a baby in your belly and a business in BOTH your names. I cannot stand men that look down on others based on whether the man feels their position allows them to be respected or not.

 

[Theo]

"The blacks"? Like Donald Trump?

Anyway you can get him around a bunch of white people again to see if this behavior pops up again?

I'm not sure that's even necessary though....I think you should go with your gut.

 

[MzLady78]

seems like when he is around his clr amigas his true self comes out..and thats a main thing about clr men..i feel they act one way around their ppl and one way around our ppl...

clr.. and rude...and condescending....no i will not be marrying that im good!

dude is showing str8 sneak peaks into what life would be like with him..and

whether its friends or family..I BELIEVE YOU SEE PPLS TRUE COLORS WHEN TRAVELING WITH THEM!!!

Hell. Friggin. Yeah.

When I went to the Bahamas with my ex, it was a miracle his a** made it off that ship. I wanted to throw him overboard a number of times.

 

[Windsy]

seems like when he is around his clr amigas his true self comes out..and thats a main thing about clr men..i feel they act one way around their ppl and one way around our ppl...

clr.. and rude...and condescending....no i will not be marrying that im good!

dude is showing str8 sneak peaks into what life would be like with him..and

whether its friends or family..I BELIEVE YOU SEE PPLS TRUE COLORS WHEN TRAVELING WITH THEM!!!

yep.....I saw a side of my SO when we spent a week in Kissimmee...it wasn't anything major but it's a side I was glad I saw early on.

 

[lesedi]

I think I know what i have to do
Thanks ladies.

 

[LBoogie85]

seems like when he is around his clr amigas his true self comes out..and thats a main thing about clr men..i feel they act one way around their ppl and one way around our ppl...

clr.. and rude...and condescending....no i will not be marrying that im good!

dude is showing str8 sneak peaks into what life would be like with him..and

whether its friends or family..I BELIEVE YOU SEE PPLS TRUE COLORS WHEN TRAVELING WITH THEM!!!

I truly believe you can get to know someone better when go on vacation/taking trips with them. I discovered some issues with an ex some years ago, when I went on a weekend trip with him. Opened my eyes to some things we did not last long after that.

Hell. Friggin. Yeah.

When I went to the Bahamas with my ex, it was a miracle his a** made it off that ship. I wanted to throw him overboard a number of times.

Ditto! I went to the Dominican Republic with my ex in May, and he was a MESS! It was pretty much over after that.

 

[ellegantelle]

OP, I really think this is a discussion you should have with your SO. I think you should jot down (personally, writing down things really helps me to remember what I want to ask, because during discussions I tend to have a bad memory and I hate feeling like "dang...I forgot to ask him this" after the fact) a list of questions or concerns that you have about him. I mean if your gut instinct is telling you that this is not the man you want to be with, then go with that. But if you are on the fence and seeking a sense of clarity, asking questions might help. Because I'm curious myself of why he would say "The Blacks"...

 

[mischka]

I think you should break up with him. The bigger issue is that you want a black husband and "black" kids (your kids will be black no matter what btw) and he can't give you that so there is no need to keep stringing him along. To me the service industry issue is entirely irrelevant to this one. If you want to be with a black man you probably shouldn't even waste your time dating non black men.

 

[lexi08]

Hell. Friggin. Yeah.

When I went to the Bahamas with my ex, it was a miracle his a** made it off that ship. I wanted to throw him overboard a number of times.

OMG....I know exactly how you felt... I wanted to leave my ex's a*** on that trip so bad I was already picking up on some potential issues and the trip just confirmed things for me.