Where is the Romance in My Relationship?!?!

[Cincysweetie]

*DISCLAIMER* It's kinda hard for me to talk about this b/c it's like I'm complaining...when I should be happy that I have a guy that treats me good and cares about me. But anyway...this is just a mini vent....

Where is the romance in my relationship?! My SO and I have been together for a few months now and it's becoming more and more clear to me that there is no romance!!! I want romance! Romance to him is going out to eat dinner. I want flowers, candy, candles, bubble baths, presents, candlelit dinners, surprises, and foreplay. I am at a loss for what to do. I mean, I don't feel as though I should have to point this out to him...but at the same time, I feel like if things don't change soon...I may be tempted to move on or step out.

Let me also mention that he is considerably older and probably set in his ways. I am open to any suggestions!

 

[MizzBrown]

Keep it moving!

 

[NYAmicas]

I'm wondering the same thing in my relationship and it's been years.

 

[Cincysweetie]

Keep it moving!

LOL!!! As I mentioned in my post...that's been on my mind...to keep it moving. But I didn't know if that was a "good enough" reason to pass on a good guy. Idk, maybe he's just not right for me if that's something that is important to me but not to him.

It sounds so simple, but yesterday, I bought flowers (loooooove fresh flowers) for MYSELF and it bummed me out to think that he's so not into that kinda stuff.

 

[Cincysweetie]

I'm wondering the same thing in my relationship and it's been years.

And that's what worries me...I don't wanna be with him years from now and be complaining about the same stuff. I want romance and passion and all that good stuff!

ETA: Have you mentioned this to your SO at all?

 

[MD_Lady]

*DISCLAIMER* It's kinda hard for me to talk about this b/c it's like I'm complaining...when I should be happy that I have a guy that treats me good and cares about me. But anyway...this is just a mini vent....

Where is the romance in my relationship?! My SO and I have been together for a few months now and it's becoming more and more clear to me that there is no romance!!! I want romance! Romance to him is going out to eat dinner. I want flowers, candy, candles, bubble baths, presents, candlelit dinners, surprises, and foreplay. I am at a loss for what to do. I mean, I don't feel as though I should have to point this out to him...but at the same time, I feel like if things don't change soon...I may be tempted to move on or step out.

Let me also mention that he is considerably older and probably set in his ways. I am open to any suggestions!

LOL!!! As I mentioned in my post...that's been on my mind...to keep it moving. But I didn't know if that was a "good enough" reason to pass on a good guy. Idk, maybe he's just not right for me if that's something that is important to me but not to him.

It sounds so simple, but yesterday, I bought flowers (loooooove fresh flowers) for MYSELF and it bummed me out to think that he's so not into that kinda stuff.

I don't think you're complaining at all. As a matter of fact, I have to take my hat off to you for being honest about what you want, how he is, AND the possibility that this may be an "irreconcilable difference" . The big question is have you brought up this issue directly and told him exactly what you wanted? If so, how did he respond?

 

[MizzBrown]

Everyone has dealbreakers. So you have to decide if after talking to him about it and he still won't compromise, is that going to be a dealbreaker or not.

For some folks it's petty, for others its a serious thing that can't be overlooked.

 

[Cincysweetie]

I don't think you're complaining at all. As a matter of fact, I have to take my hat off to you for being honest about what you want, how he is, AND the possibility that this may be an "irreconcilable difference" . The big question is have you brought up this issue directly and told him exactly what you wanted? If so, how did he respond?

Thanks MD! I do feel a little guilty for complaining though. I have mentioned it in a roundabout way. For instance I will say...I want to go on a DATE (movies, the park, downtown, etc.), not just out to dinner all the time. And he says okay, but next thing I know...we're sitting at another restaurant! But I haven't outright said...you need to be more romantic!

 

[Cincysweetie]

Everyone has dealbreakers. So you have to decide if after talking to him about it and he still won't compromise, is that going to be a dealbreaker or not.

For some folks it's petty, for others its a serious thing that can't be overlooked.

True. There is one component of the non-romantic issue that IS a dealbreaker for me...and I may have to bring that up.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I'd try to give hints about what I like and if he cant pick up on them then KIM.




ETA

its a known fact that we like most of these things...and seeing as though its a NEW relationship ur still at a stage where you should at least still be getting spoiled and given gifts. seeing that he isnt, I suspect that it wont get better

 

[Farida]

I dunno, if it's only been a few months that's a bad sign.

My experience with men, they are simple creatures. He may not think anything is wrong. It is a rookie mistake for women to assume that a man should just magically meet your needs. Tell him you need romance and how you need it. In fact, you can get a head start by planning something yourself and telling him how much you enjoy stuff like that.
If he is a good man, he will take heed. These are problems even married folk face, so if you are ready to balk before you give him a chance to fix it (it is fixable if he chooses to) then you will not succeed in long term relationships.

 

[Iluvsmuhgrass]

TELL HIM. In a good non-nagging way. Then SHOW him. What is the deal with women and dropping hints? MEN ARE USUALLY CLUELESS!!!

So many women think it's all about them but you've gotta make that man feel special too. It's not always about sexing a man. You can make love with his body but when you also reach his mind, you've got a glorious thing. Show him what you need, want, and like without being condescending. Talk to him and be direct without being ugly/rude/short (not saying that you would be,,,, but I know when I get irritated I can be a beast depending on the level of pissed-tivity lol) We aren't perfect and we shouldn't expect them to be either.

Sit him down, talk to him. If he's open and willing to try then HOT DAYUM but if he's not.... I'd have to re-evaluate it. You guys have to meet in the middle.

 

[ArrrBeee]

I'm wondering the same thing in my relationship and it's been years.

ITA. I buy myself nice things to compensate but it just isn't the same.

 

[ArrrBeee]

*DISCLAIMER* It's kinda hard for me to talk about this b/c it's like I'm complaining...when I should be happy that I have a guy that treats me good and cares about me. But anyway...this is just a mini vent....

Where is the romance in my relationship?! My SO and I have been together for a few months now and it's becoming more and more clear to me that there is no romance!!! I want romance! Romance to him is going out to eat dinner. I want flowers, candy, candles, bubble baths, presents, candlelit dinners, surprises, and foreplay. I am at a loss for what to do. I mean, I don't feel as though I should have to point this out to him...but at the same time, I feel like if things don't change soon...I may be tempted to move on or step out.

Let me also mention that he is considerably older and probably set in his ways. I am open to any suggestions!

Don't settle if this is what is important to you. Tell him flat out what you want and see what happens over the next few months. If nothing changes keep it moving. Since he is older, he should definitely know how to treat a lady.

 

[tallygirl]

Cincy,

You have to tell him what you want and need and remember to use your verbs and adjectives Some men need specifics...Someone else mentioned that men are simple creatures, and that's putting it nicely, but they really are...(All horse ain't made to run alike..if that were the case, they'd be no horse races)...Some men really need to have everything spelled out for them...A lot of women make the mistake in thinking that if a man is older, he'll know what to do...Men, like women, are not mind-readers...We all need to ask for exactly what we want and need in our relationships, and stop assuming that our SO's will automatically know.

If your SO really wants to make you happy and grow this relationship, then once you tell him exactly what you want and need, he'll work at meeting those wants and needs. The real test is going to be in his efforts once you've spoken with him.

 

[p31woman]

TELL HIM. In a good non-nagging way. Then SHOW him. What is the deal with women and dropping hints? MEN ARE USUALLY CLUELESS!!!

So many women think it's all about them but you've gotta make that man feel special too. It's not always about sexing a man. You can make love with his body but when you also reach his mind, you've got a glorious thing. Show him what you need, want, and like without being condescending. Talk to him and be direct without being ugly/rude/short (not saying that you would be,,,, but I know when I get irritated I can be a beast depending on the level of pissed-tivity lol) We aren't perfect and we shouldn't expect them to be either.

Sit him down, talk to him. If he's open and willing to try then HOT DAYUM but if he's not.... I'd have to re-evaluate it. You guys have to meet in the middle.

I agree 100% with this entire post.

All men are not the same. Just because us women feel it should be common knowledge what we want, they may not see that. I would take the time to let him know what you like and if after that he doesnt put forth any effort then I would be out...but at least express yourself first.

Communication is Key.

He may have come into contact with women who didn't like romantic things. (I didnt realize how many of them exist...lol) He may not have any guy friends who do these kinds of things. He may not have been raised in a household with women who liked these things or men who did these things. He may feel like taking you to a resturant is very romantic. Shoot he may not have EVER done more that and has no clue of what else to do. As lame as that sounds to us...(trust me, after helping numerous guy friends plan romantic evenings for thieir Wives or SO's) they sometimes really can be THAT clueless.

 

[Cincysweetie]

Thanks ladies! I know that men aren't mind readers...I guess I was just hoping he'd be one of those guys that really knew how to romance a lady...w/out being told how to do it! Maybe the hints I've dropped weren't enough...I may try to spell it out and see if he catches on. But if he doesn't, I've got to move on. I want romance!!!

Also, I agree with Billz...it's so early on, he should be doing this stuff just because!! And if he's not doing it now...prolly won't ever!

 

[Arcadian]

I have to agree with what some of the ladies here are saying. If you don't tell him what you want, he'll never know. Men aren't mind readers, they don't do well with guessing games. Hints work maybe 40% of the time (they really just don't catch on that well)

You have to say honey, I'd like being with you but it would make me happier if we did "insert what you want here"

They appreciate that straight talk more than you know.


-A

 

[Cincysweetie]

I agree 100% with this entire post.

All men are not the same. Just because us women feel it should be common knowledge what we want, they may not see that. I would take the time to let him know what you like and if after that he doesnt put forth any effort then I would be out...but at least express yourself first.

Communication is Key.

He may have come into contact with women who didn't like romantic things. (I didnt realize how many of them exist...lol) He may not have any guy friends who do these kinds of things. He may not have been raised in a household with women who liked these things or men who did these things. He may feel like taking you to a resturant is very romantic. Shoot he may not have EVER done more that and has no clue of what else to do. As lame as that sounds to us...(trust me, after helping numerous guy friends plan romantic evenings for thieir Wives or SO's) they sometimes really can be THAT clueless.

Thanks for this response too. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I forget how important communication is b/c I'll just shut down and not say what's on my mind.

 

[MrsWatson]

I have to tell my SO these things...last week I told him I wanted flowers...he bought me flowers...last night I told him I wanted a romantic candlelit dinner, he cooked me dinner and lit candles...It used to frustrate me that I had to instruct him, but not anymore.

I've come to accept the fact that he won't do these things on his own. He is sitting here playing Madden right now and unless I stop him, he will play all day/everyday. That is his idea of romance--sitting next to each other and him playing video games and me on my laptop. Go figure. Some guys just need more direction.

I would suggest you tell him what you want and see if he does it for you or not. Good luck..

 

[p31woman]

Thanks for this response too. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes I forget how important communication is b/c I'll just shut down and not say what's on my mind.

Its not silly, we all do it!

Good luck!!!!

 

[msdeevee]

I haven't read all the responses and I hope it's been said already.

COMMUNICATE...if you have not sat him down and told him outright exactly what you want and then you end the relationship you may live to regret it.

A lot of men have different ideas about what romance is, if in every other way he's a good man but he just misses with the romance thing you may be cheating yourself in the long run.

Tell him outright in a nice, respectful, tactful way that you care for him , love him or whatever but that you really need the flowers, gifts, perfume and all the rest.

So that if you end your relationship you can know in your heart that you did all you can.

A lot of women now don't have anybody. What's the guarantee that your next man will be romantic?

 

[Cincysweetie]

I haven't read all the responses and I hope it's been said already.

COMMUNICATE...if you have not sat him down and told him outright exactly what you want and then you end the relationship you may live to regret it.

A lot of men have different ideas about what romance is, if in every other way he's a good man but he just misses with the romance thing you may be cheating yourself in the long run.

Tell him outright in a nice, respectful, tactful way that you care for him , love him or whatever but that you really need the flowers, gifts, perfume and all the rest.

So that if you end your relationship you can know in your heart that you did all you can.

A lot of women now don't have anybody. What's the guarantee that your next man will be romantic?

Great response, especially the bold. Thank you for that!

 

[p31woman]

Cincy,

Let us know how it goes!

 

[itismehmmkay]

I dunno, if it's only been a few months that's a bad sign.My experience with men, they are simple creatures. He may not think anything is wrong. It is a rookie mistake for women to assume that a man should just magically meet your needs. Tell him you need romance and how you need it. In fact, you can get a head start by planning something yourself and telling him how much you enjoy stuff like that.
If he is a good man, he will take heed. These are problems even married folk face, so if you are ready to balk before you give him a chance to fix it (it is fixable if he chooses to) then you will not succeed in long term relationships.

That's how I'm kinda feeling about it
And the fact that you're even considering stepping out is a frustrating feeling, I know.

Even if you're not set on moving on just yet, definitely fall back for a bit.

 

[happycakes]

Date others.....until you get what you want and there's a ring on your finger. He is should still be competing against others for fear he might loose you to someone else. Tell him what you want then if you don't see a change in about a week - tell him maybe you're not ready for a relationship right now, you just want to be friends. These has always been a staple line with men.

I bet you if you are dating other men (don't sleep with any of them though) - and you tell them that you have a guy, however, you are not getting what you want in your relationship. They will try to compete and do the things that your current guy isn't doing. Try it and see cause it sounds like your current guy might be in retirement mode.

Just my opinion and my experience

 

[Puddles]

TELL HIM. In a good non-nagging way. Then SHOW him. What is the deal with women and dropping hints? MEN ARE USUALLY CLUELESS!!!

So many women think it's all about them but you've gotta make that man feel special too. It's not always about sexing a man. You can make love with his body but when you also reach his mind, you've got a glorious thing. Show him what you need, want, and like without being condescending. Talk to him and be direct without being ugly/rude/short (not saying that you would be,,,, but I know when I get irritated I can be a beast depending on the level of pissed-tivity lol) We aren't perfect and we shouldn't expect them to be either.

Sit him down, talk to him. If he's open and willing to try then HOT DAYUM but if he's not.... I'd have to re-evaluate it. You guys have to meet in the middle.

Oh my gosh.........I so agree with all of this. This is "Exactly" what Fred Price said about communicating your wants and needs. Women need to stop hinting and tell these men what they want. If he doesn't comprehend.....then move on. No Hinting. Be Honest and Communicate. That's what's lacking in relationships.

Hinting, reading minds, and he/she should know is so wrong.

One word.........."Communication"

 

[Puddles]

Oh yeah..........he may need to be taught as well as told.
Some men......no matter how old........don't know how to be romantic.
Don't lose a good man over something that probably can be solved by talking and/or showing.

Good luck sweetie.

 

[envybeauty]

Some men look at the big picture and not the details. My guy shows romance by planning nice short getaways where we stay at 5-star hotels and eat at the best restaurants...throw in a show, museum, etc. and it's all good. Took me a minute to say to myself.........do I really care that he didn't show up with a single strand rose if I'm about to wined and dined by him.

Pick your battles but also try to see if there is a bigger picture. Try to think of what he does for you and ask does what he doesn't do compare to all that......

 

[R4L]

It sounds like you need to define your terms. When you say "date" you think more than dinner at a restaurant. To him, it sounds like "date" means dinner at a restaurant. You need to talk to him like he's blonde. Try this:

"Hey Snookums, I was thinking how ROMANTIC it would be to try that new bistro and then go see the chick flick that opened at the mega-plex. What do you think????"