When to Bust Out a Man to His fiancee???

Guitarhero

Guitarhero

New Member
J-man is a person dated in the past. Sex was involved but it's over now. J-man was a potential marriage partner but it didn't work out due to some other personality issues. Now, J-man is engaged to another woman and is getting married within a few days. So, J-man asks for sex where there is no present relationship - like a last-minute fling.

A spiritual advisor who is a woman was consulted about this issue as the question was about the appropriateness of sending an email to the one marrying them. When to bust out an idiot to his spiritual advisor and/or person who is going to be marrying him to this new woman? When to bust him out to the bride-to-be? If at all?
 
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It all sounds very cryptic to me, but it might be the language barrier. (English is not my native tongue.)
 
I personally don't see the need to "bust him out". You denied his request. I'm sure you told him why. He knows he's wrong. Just move on.
 
A spiritual advisor should not be busting anything. However if she is doing premarital counseling for this couple she should tell them they are not ready to get married.
 
Maybe I should add that J-man is white and it's suddenly so very clear that J-man only saw this as an opportunity to sow oats in a Black woman!!! I'm being cryptic and not telling who the players are on purpose. I feel that J-man should be busted out to the religious community and let them handle the rest! Still thinking about it because it's not right. If fiancee is alerted, she has the choice to go through with it, get mad or get proactive. She must might appreciate the news. Don't know.
 
I'd simply email his fiancee, and let her handle it as she sees fit, as she is the aggrieved party here.
 
Keen said:
A spiritual advisor should not be busting anything. However if she is doing premarital counseling for this couple she should tell them they are not ready to get married.
Click to expand...

Not the spiritual advisor. J-man asked for sex and I feel he needs to be busted out TO his spiritual advisor. This is a very religious community and J-man overstepped the bounds and is planning on marrying this girl in like 4 days. :nono: I feel sorry for her. I would personally want to know but that's me.
 
^^Sounds like you have made your mind up. Follow through but be prepared for the consequences. You may have been the victim in this but some may not see you that way once this gets out.

Just be ready and be sure your reasoning is sound and valid.
 
I agree, it seems you've made up your mind.

If you insist on telling, I agree with JustKiya. I would just inform his fiancee and let them deal with it from there. Perhaps, she'll suggest they take it to the spiritual advisor. I don't think its your place to tell the advisor.
 
I think you can tell anyone you want whenever you want including the fiance and the spiritual advisor. He was inappropriate and you don't have any reason to keep his secret.

What they all do with the information is up to them, including, call you a liar. Since you have no interest in maintaining a relationship with them, you shouldn't lose much if you can deal with being called a liar. Not sure what else could happen to you that might be worse.
 
Do you know the woman he is going to marry? My fear is she might not believe you. With the impending wedding, she might think you are just jealous.

On the other hand, if she has seen some red flags of her own your piece of information maybe the last straw to help her run while she can.
 
She will probably marry him and life will go on. He will cheat on her probably in the future but to keep face she will probably not know or just be in complete denial as long as the homefront is good and the bills are paid and everyone in the community thinks that they are the perfect couple.

Now AFTER they are married and he is STILL coming at that girl like that then yeah I would tell the spirtual advisor about it. Or file an harrassment charge
 
This one is tough. I would want to know if I was the Fiance but then again, I would stay out of it if I was the one propositioned.
 
Sosoothing said:
Do you know the woman he is going to marry? My fear is she might not believe you. With the impending wedding, she might think you are just jealous.

On the other hand, if she has seen some red flags of her own your piece of information maybe the last straw to help her run while she can.
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I agree. If you don't know the woman he can easily flip the script and make you out to be jealous of them. Let them be.
 
Big question: What is in it for you?

Let sleeping dogs lay, chances are she isn't going to believe you anyway and he will mos def flip the script on you. Again, what is in it for you? Why do you feel the need to disclose this bit of information? Are you trying to save her or burn him? You will not be seen as a savior but rather a desperate woman, even though you will let it be known to all that you do not want him. Mmmmkay
 
Bunny77 said:
English is my native tongue, and I'm confused!!!!
Click to expand...

:lol: She said she's being cryptic on purpose.

They probably won't believe you, OP, especially since you are black. He can easily say he was joking and didn't follow through on anything. They will probably call you crazy also, unless you have concrete evidence.
 
I would probably not say anything or care for that matter as our relationship was over, but it seems like you really want to out him. Therefore, I would probably call the girl and/or spiritual advisor and be direct. However, be prepared for him to deny it and it will be his word against yours.:ohwell:
 
Sosoothing said:
Do you know the woman he is going to marry? My fear is she might not believe you. With the impending wedding, she might think you are just jealous.

On the other hand, if she has seen some red flags of her own your piece of information maybe the last straw to help her run while she can.
Click to expand...

Not personally, but yes on the spiritual advisor.
 
ThickHair said:
Big question: What is in it for you?

Let sleeping dogs lay, chances are she isn't going to believe you anyway and he will mos def flip the script on you. Again, what is in it for you? Why do you feel the need to disclose this bit of information? Are you trying to save her or burn him? You will not be seen as a savior but rather a desperate woman, even though you will let it be known to all that you do not want him. Mmmmkay
Click to expand...

Save her. Thing is, there's a lot of under-the-table infidelity and HIV is the big surprise for such a tight "religious" community to have to deal with as the reality. When I say tight, I mean that all everybody's business and behavior is on the table for all to see, in the cloak of piety and righteousness but hmmm, underneath??? It's shocking, this whole thing. Glad he's out of the pic, but she is in for a real ride.
 
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MissJ said:
So, if you already slept with him, how would he be sowing his oats?
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Again...4 nights before J's wedding, as we find out. Mind you, the relationship with J-man has been over only 4 months. :yep: So why the call? A last minute fling so his interests were evidently to say he's had a Black woman.

Well, thanks for the advice y'all. I'll take it into consideration.
 
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CreoleNat said:
When to bust out an idiot to his spiritual advisor and/or person who is going to be marrying him to this new woman?
  1. immediately or
  2. never


When to bust him out to the bride-to-be?

  1. never or
  2. when the minister says: "if anyone knows of any reason..."

If at all?
Click to expand...


bottom line: what do you accomplish by sharing this information?
  • the destruction of a relationship
  • placing doubt where there may not have been previously
  • looking like a bitter, scorned lover (even if that is not the case)
  • looking like a jealous former lover (ibid)
i'll add more reasons as i think of them...
 
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1star said:



bottom line: what do you accomplish by sharing this information?
  • the destruction of a relationship
  • placing doubt where there may not have been previously
  • looking like a bitter, scorned lover (even if that is not the case)
  • a jealous former lover (ibid)
i'll add more reasons as i think of them...
Click to expand...

It's truly not due to jealously. I'm being cryptic but it ain't me at all. I'm trying to pass on advice b'cuz I was asked what exactly to do. There were 2 streams of advice.

This is the clencher. I think some HIV tests are in order!!! :yep: Because some people are so holy, they don't think they'll have need of sex education. So it just happens and the community has seen more than it's fair share of the disease, wondering how they got it :nono:. Some people are too stupid to use protection because they figure out that the gates of holiness are going to protect them. Ahem. But I'll pass on the advice.
 
I had the opportunity to bust someone ironically his name was J as well. I saw him a his wife to be at Walmart of all places. What makes it even crazier is that they were in the same aisle that I needed to pick up items from. The look on his face was priceless..he thought I would say something. I didn't say a word(although I wanted to). I felt as though revenge was not mine, he will get his just due. I'm sure she knew what she was getting into. The next day he called and thanked me for not exposing his trifling self. Fast forward 4 years later they are still married and he his still creeping.
 
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