When Do You Know Your Marriage is in Trouble?

[CreoleInDC]

When Do You Know Your Marriage is in Trouble?

Robby and I just celebrated our first wedding anniversary. (Insert fireworks here.) Now it’s not like we’ve been together just a year. We dated long distance for a year, lived together for a year, were engaged for a year and are married for a year now. So…we pretty much know each other in and out.



My mother, and my surrogate mothers always told me that you never know someone until you’ve been on a trip with them and both of you have been sick while together. Ms. Carolyn (my New Orleans mother) told me you need to be with a person for all four seasons before you know. My Grandmother has given me her own version of relationship advice and we have taken all of it into consideration. Well…we’ve done everything the "experts" in our life have told us and we feel we truly know the good and the bad about each other and life is pretty dang great. (I know you wanted to hear some dirt huh? LOL! Nope...it's pretty good!)



I have friends who are married, good lifelong friends as well as good online friends and I have heard lots of different stories as it relates to their marriage. All I can say is that I’m pretty much shocked at how bad a marriage can be if it’s a bad marriage.



Most of the people I know in the marriages are the women…the men I know who are married don’t really talk much about their marriages.



Yeah…I’m leading up to something.

I got an email today from a good online friend who shared with me just how miserable she was in her verbally abusive marriage and I, who ALWAYS has something to say, was pretty much silent. I had nothing to contribute to her. I offered my support but I felt just AWFUL for her. I hope she knows I am here for her...but I'm just not equipped to deal with that level of dysfunction. It just hits a little too close to home for me as it reminded me of my parents all over again.



People very close to me separated last year after being married longer than I’ve been alive. Everyone thought they had the perfect marriage and one day he just decided he wanted someone else. He’d check out of the marriage a long time ago so he was emotionally prepared. She was hit with a bomb that threatened to shatter her. She’s smart…he’s smart.



My parents union was definitely not a happy one. Sure it seemed happy to the outside looking in…and no…it wasn’t bad all the time…but that just made it even worse. Because we knew how it COULD be and wished it was that way all the time. *sigh* (Demons knocking on my door..let me whip out my Ninja sword and deal with this.)



I often wonder how it is that people allow themselves to get into situations wherein they are miserable. My home is my sanctity. When I am here…all is well in my world. How would it be for someone to go home day after day to a life the antithesis of mine? I lived with someone briefly once who I ended up hating. He could probably tell you some pretty awful things I did to him because of the hurt he caused me and yes…I did it…every single thing. I behaved like a mad woman. Truly. (Everyone has that one person in their life who made them act a donkey's butt...some...more than one. Hell...if every relationship had you acting crazy...it's probably you though....lol!)

I used to get off the interstate and start praying to God that he wasn’t home…that I would be able to walk in, power down and go to sleep without seeing him. I was miserable. I would never, EVER have been able to do that for the rest of my life. NEVER!



But…my question is this…WHEN DO YOU KNOW?



When is it that you are okay with your husband not coming home? When do you get to the point that you actually welcome it if he doesn’t? How do you get to the point where your man can tell you not to question his whereabouts before it’s evident you made a mistake? Why continue taking **** that just makes you ill on the inside? WHERE IS THE BREAKDOWN HERE?



I think a lot of people have a misconception of marriage. Lot’s of people confuse lust for love as well as people who think love is all hot and bothered like in the movies (a preview for “Basic Instinct 2” just came on….we think it looks stoopit…lol). ANYWAY. Marriage to me isn’t like that.



I think the most important thing in a relationship is to have mutual respect for one another. Respect that person and that persons contributions to your life and to society and you have the firmest of foundations for a successful marriage. With respect comes admiration. With admiration, love is sustained indefinitely. Give and take.



I watch people have the kinds of problems that I hope I won’t have. I truly think I’ve found the magic combination but hey…we really just started. Where will we be 10 years down the road, 20 years or 30? What can I do now and continually to make sure that the respect, admiration and love I feel for my husband never dwindles into something much less desirable?



I tell Robby I love him whenever we leave each other or end a phone call. He does as well. I would just die if something happened and my last words to him weren’t assurances that I loved him. I touch basis with him when I’m away from home regularly and he does as well. There is never a time when either of us are wondering where the other is. It’s not keeping a tight reign on each other…it’s more like….hell…what’s the big deal with him knowing where I’m going and when to expect me back? I can pick up the phone and find my husband anytime unless something is wrong with his phone. I would never think he’s anywhere other than where he’s told me he is. My motto...IF I HAVE TO ASK...YOU'RE ALREADY WRONG! ****! (That's for emphasis.)



So…that leads me back to where I started (I know I’m rambling.) What has to http://creoleindc.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/self_esteem.jpghappen to you that you think you deserve and accept being treated like ****? Really? We’ve all been in bad relationships….but a bad marriage…man…that’s my worst nightmare. Worse than being attacked by five Ninjas. *sigh* I have no solution to this…I was just wondering out loud on "paper."

*sigh*

Good Article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationsh...ArticleIV2.aspx?cp-documentid=371971&GT1=7996

 

[ekomba]

When Do You Know Your Marriage is in Trouble?

Robby and I just celebrated our first wedding anniversary. (Insert fireworks here.) Now it’s not like we’ve been together just a year. We dated long distance for a year, lived together for a year, were engaged for a year and are married for a year now. So…we pretty much know each other in and out.



My mother, and my surrogate mothers always told me that you never know someone until you’ve been on a trip with them and both of you have been sick while together. Ms. Carolyn (my New Orleans mother) told me you need to be with a person for all four seasons before you know. My Grandmother has given me her own version of relationship advice and we have taken all of it into consideration. Well…we’ve done everything the "experts" in our life have told us and we feel we truly know the good and the bad about each other and life is pretty dang great. (I know you wanted to hear some dirt huh? LOL! Nope...it's pretty good!)



I have friends who are married, good lifelong friends as well as good online friends and I have heard lots of different stories as it relates to their marriage. All I can say is that I’m pretty much shocked at how bad a marriage can be if it’s a bad marriage.



Most of the people I know in the marriages are the women…the men I know who are married don’t really talk much about their marriages.



Yeah…I’m leading up to something.

I got an email today from a good online friend who shared with me just how miserable she was in her verbally abusive marriage and I, who ALWAYS has something to say, was pretty much silent. I had nothing to contribute to her. I offered my support but I felt just AWFUL for her. I hope she knows I am here for her...but I'm just not equipped to deal with that level of dysfunction. It just hits a little too close to home for me as it reminded me of my parents all over again.



People very close to me separated last year after being married longer than I’ve been alive. Everyone thought they had the perfect marriage and one day he just decided he wanted someone else. He’d check out of the marriage a long time ago so he was emotionally prepared. She was hit with a bomb that threatened to shatter her. She’s smart…he’s smart.



My parents union was definitely not a happy one. Sure it seemed happy to the outside looking in…and no…it wasn’t bad all the time…but that just made it even worse. Because we knew how it COULD be and wished it was that way all the time. *sigh* (Demons knocking on my door..let me whip out my Ninja sword and deal with this.)



I often wonder how it is that people allow themselves to get into situations wherein they are miserable. My home is my sanctity. When I am here…all is well in my world. How would it be for someone to go home day after day to a life the antithesis of mine? I lived with someone briefly once who I ended up hating. He could probably tell you some pretty awful things I did to him because of the hurt he caused me and yes…I did it…every single thing. I behaved like a mad woman. Truly. (Everyone has that one person in their life who made them act a donkey's butt...some...more than one. Hell...if every relationship had you acting crazy...it's probably you though....lol!)

I used to get off the interstate and start praying to God that he wasn’t home…that I would be able to walk in, power down and go to sleep without seeing him. I was miserable. I would never, EVER have been able to do that for the rest of my life. NEVER!



But…my question is this…WHEN DO YOU KNOW?



When is it that you are okay with your husband not coming home? When do you get to the point that you actually welcome it if he doesn’t? How do you get to the point where your man can tell you not to question his whereabouts before it’s evident you made a mistake? Why continue taking **** that just makes you ill on the inside? WHERE IS THE BREAKDOWN HERE?



I think a lot of people have a misconception of marriage. Lot’s of people confuse lust for love as well as people who think love is all hot and bothered like in the movies (a preview for “Basic Instinct 2” just came on….we think it looks stoopit…lol). ANYWAY. Marriage to me isn’t like that.



I think the most important thing in a relationship is to have mutual respect for one another. Respect that person and that persons contributions to your life and to society and you have the firmest of foundations for a successful marriage. With respect comes admiration. With admiration, love is sustained indefinitely. Give and take.



I watch people have the kinds of problems that I hope I won’t have. I truly think I’ve found the magic combination but hey…we really just started. Where will we be 10 years down the road, 20 years or 30? What can I do now and continually to make sure that the respect, admiration and love I feel for my husband never dwindles into something much less desirable?



I tell Robby I love him whenever we leave each other or end a phone call. He does as well. I would just die if something happened and my last words to him weren’t assurances that I loved him. I touch basis with him when I’m away from home regularly and he does as well. There is never a time when either of us are wondering where the other is. It’s not keeping a tight reign on each other…it’s more like….hell…what’s the big deal with him knowing where I’m going and when to expect me back? I can pick up the phone and find my husband anytime unless something is wrong with his phone. I would never think he’s anywhere other than where he’s told me he is. My motto...IF I HAVE TO ASK...YOU'RE ALREADY WRONG! ****! (That's for emphasis.)



So…that leads me back to where I started (I know I’m rambling.) What has to http://creoleindc.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/self_esteem.jpghappen to you that you think you deserve and accept being treated like ****? Really? We’ve all been in bad relationships….but a bad marriage…man…that’s my worst nightmare. Worse than being attacked by five Ninjas. *sigh* I have no solution to this…I was just wondering out loud on "paper."

*sigh*

Good Article: http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationsh...ArticleIV2.aspx?cp-documentid=371971&GT1=7996

wow good for u i would say u just know you dont want him/her in your life when you have outgrown the relationship. Any relationship or marriage is a piece of work. However i m glad u have such a wonderful experience haha for me marriage is a piece of work. its not all lovey dovey. there are times he gets on my nerve, argue and they are good times, there are times i need my space and i feel like i want to be by myself. i think not everyone goes in a relationship thinking its gonna be bad, but sometimes it can happen a guy you been for 20 years just leave you. And no its not your fault he or her has just outgrown the relationship. It s not the same person you started with. And i dont think all a sudden the person bounces. I think we ignore all the red flags because we dont want to see the signals, the person grooms himself more, stays late is emotionally absent, becomes abusive or shower you with gifts for no reason. If you have to ask why, then we know deep in our hearts our 6th sense.

Of course i would love my marriage to last forever but at the same time i m honest with myself that the only person i can control is me and if one day hubby wants to leave me then be it. I would never want to be with someone that dont want to be with me no matter how much i love the person, that s just insulting. And the people we meet are always who we need at the time, like attracts like, and the more you will focuss on being the best rendition of yourself, gain self esteem etc the more there s a chance your marriage may not survive if the person stays the same and dont recognize you or dont grow with you. It all boils down to personal evolution and growth cause any relationship reflects what stage you are at this point in your life. If you study any abusive relationship, the minute the woman changes her beliefs and grow into a more wholesome person, she will surround herself and attract mates that are more or less at her level if she makes room for the good in her life.

So to answer your question CreoleinDC, long before your marriage is in trouble, you can feel it, you know it it does not happen overnight, people just get unemotionally attached cause they are dissatisfied with their current life,and have outgrown their current life and dont feel the same way but its progressive. A routine has been already established in the couple. us, women if we see anything breaking that routine like a change in behaviour,wardrobe or even anything that seems suspicious and just doesnt sit right, chances are its not right. If you have to ask oh well...

 

[poetist]

I think we ignore all the red flags because we dont want to see the signals, the person grooms himself more, stays late is emotionally absent, becomes abusive or shower you with gifts for no reason.

Is that really a red flag? I am not married, but I would love for my husband to shower me with gifts "for no reason" (ie - just because)

 

[ekomba]

Is that really a red flag? I am not married, but I would love for my husband to shower me with gifts "for no reason" (ie - just because)

Hey Poetist, I did not mean he just shower you with gifts for no reason is a red flag in a general context but if like for instance his behaviour starts changing and all a sudden he starts doing something out of character like showering you with gifts for no reason as if he s guilty when cheating some men do. My husband do shower me with gifts for no reason, i was just trying to stress how do you know your marriage is in trouble, when do you see the signs, when do you see a change in character, the gifts could be good but at the same time in the case when you look at someone acting different all a sudden grooming himself or changing perfume.... things of that nature. Because we always believe that poof overnight the marriage or the relationship is in trouble but when we really analyze it and go back and remember some stuff and think about it we could say ok first he started to be unavailable, some cheating men react by showering gifts to their wives not to feel guilty ( i m not saying all) but sometimes when husbands do things that s out of character, that could make you wonder. That s why i do believe that to know when your marriage is in trouble is all the subtle small changes that amount to the breakup but showering with gift is not per se a bad thing. i m sorry if i worded it wrong

 

[DragonPearl]

Of course i would love my marriage to last forever but at the same time i m honest with myself that the only person i can control is me and if one day hubby wants to leave me then be it. I would never want to be with someone that dont want to be with me no matter how much i love the person, that s just insulting. And the people we meet are always who we need at the time, like attracts like, and the more you will focuss on being the best rendition of yourself, gain self esteem etc the more there s a chance your marriage may not survive if the person stays the same and dont recognize you or dont grow with you. It all boils down to personal evolution and growth cause any relationship reflects what stage you are at this point in your life. If you study any abusive relationship, the minute the woman changes her beliefs and grow into a more wholesome person, she will surround herself and attract mates that are more or less at her level if she makes room for the good in her life.

So to answer your question CreoleinDC, long before your marriage is in trouble, you can feel it, you know it it does not happen overnight, people just get unemotionally attached cause they are dissatisfied with their current life,and have outgrown their current life and dont feel the same way but its progressive. A routine has been already established in the couple. us, women if we see anything breaking that routine like a change in behaviour,wardrobe or even anything that seems suspicious and just doesnt sit right, chances are its not right. If you have to ask oh well...

That was so deep. I am totally in agreement.

 

[poetist]

Hey Poetist, I did not mean he just shower you with gifts for no reason is a red flag in a general context but if like for instance his behaviour starts changing and all a sudden he starts doing something out of character like showering you with gifts for no reason as if he s guilty when cheating some men do. My husband do shower me with gifts for no reason, i was just trying to stress how do you know your marriage is in trouble, when do you see the signs, when do you see a change in character, the gifts could be good but at the same time in the case when you look at someone acting different all a sudden grooming himself or changing perfume.... things of that nature. Because we always believe that poof overnight the marriage or the relationship is in trouble but when we really analyze it and go back and remember some stuff and think about it we could say ok first he started to be unavailable, some cheating men react by showering gifts to their wives not to feel guilty ( i m not saying all) but sometimes when husbands do things that s out of character, that could make you wonder. That s why i do believe that to know when your marriage is in trouble is all the subtle small changes that amount to the breakup but showering with gift is not per se a bad thing. i m sorry if i worded it wrong

Don't be sorry...I was just wondering. Now, I understand what you're saying. It makes sense.

 

[ekomba]

Don't be sorry...I was just wondering. Now, I understand what you're saying. It makes sense.

Thank you Poetist for understanding and thank you Jessy55!! i been married for 2 years and been with him for 3. But even before in past relationships that fell (not marriage), it felt like i had just found out the man was up to no good but when i sit down and think about it all the red flags were there but i was too in love to see them or maybe i did not want to see and if you just start asking yourself questions and start searching your man s pockets and things of that nature then you know what s up. You can feel it in your gut. That was then. But now i m trusting and i know that sometimes people separate and work things out if they work on themselves to get to the same level. As we always evolving i just work on myself but nobody is immune to a breakup not even the strongest couple cause the only person we can control is ourselves. And the beauty of a couple is learning to accept someone just the way they are and not changing them cause they will change on their own accord. And if it s meant to be then no matter if your together or not it will happen in its own due time. I guess the hardest part is to let go. Loving is putting your guard down and accepting that you can get hurt and lose the person and be happy for him or her even if it means with somebody else. I know that s the hardest part but you cant stop someone who has outgrown a relationship cause they not the same anymore.

 

[facets]

wow good for u i would say u just know you dont want him/her in your life when you have outgrown the relationship. Any relationship or marriage is a piece of work. However i m glad u have such a wonderful experience haha for me marriage is a piece of work. its not all lovey dovey. there are times he gets on my nerve, argue and they are good times, there are times i need my space and i feel like i want to be by myself. i think not everyone goes in a relationship thinking its gonna be bad, but sometimes it can happen a guy you been for 20 years just leave you. And no its not your fault he or her has just outgrown the relationship. It s not the same person you started with. And i dont think all a sudden the person bounces. I think we ignore all the red flags because we dont want to see the signals, the person grooms himself more, stays late is emotionally absent, becomes abusive or shower you with gifts for no reason. If you have to ask why, then we know deep in our hearts our 6th sense.

Of course i would love my marriage to last forever but at the same time i m honest with myself that the only person i can control is me and if one day hubby wants to leave me then be it. I would never want to be with someone that dont want to be with me no matter how much i love the person, that s just insulting. And the people we meet are always who we need at the time, like attracts like, and the more you will focuss on being the best rendition of yourself, gain self esteem etc the more there s a chance your marriage may not survive if the person stays the same and dont recognize you or dont grow with you. It all boils down to personal evolution and growth cause any relationship reflects what stage you are at this point in your life. If you study any abusive relationship, the minute the woman changes her beliefs and grow into a more wholesome person, she will surround herself and attract mates that are more or less at her level if she makes room for the good in her life.

So to answer your question CreoleinDC, long before your marriage is in trouble, you can feel it, you know it it does not happen overnight, people just get unemotionally attached cause they are dissatisfied with their current life,and have outgrown their current life and dont feel the same way but its progressive. A routine has been already established in the couple. us, women if we see anything breaking that routine like a change in behaviour,wardrobe or even anything that seems suspicious and just doesnt sit right, chances are its not right. If you have to ask oh well...

*excellent*, Ekomba!

 

[CreoleInDC]

*excellent*, Ekomba!

But what do you do to make sure those things don't happen? I don't want to "grow" more or less then my husband. I want us to always "grow" together. (Maybe I need to talk to some people who've been married 25+ years..*sigh*)

 

[ekomba]

But what do you do to make sure those things don't happen? I don't want to "grow" more or less then my husband. I want us to always "grow" together. (Maybe I need to talk to some people who've been married 25+ years..*sigh*)

I hear you CreoleinDC ,Its constant work. The two needs to always communicate and keep the flame alive. I see my parents or grandparents who have been together forever and for instance they always celebrate their birthdays,anniversaries... and always date at least once a week. It s when you start letting yourself kinda go and one makes less efforts or keep everything bottled up when he or she is dissatisfied then tensions start to arise. and never go to bed angry. Just like you i always say i love u every time i have him on the phone or see him cause i dont know if it will be the last time i see him. But like i said before it takes two to make it work and if you keep communication and undestanding and keep the marriage alive you should be good.

I m give you an example one of my mom's best friend, a jewish couple, they have been married for like 35+ years and have 2 kids one my age, we kinda grew up together out of nowhere her husband left her for a young 20s something youngin. My mom's friend got depressive and crazy, the kids too cant forgive the father, the son drinks a lot and takes drugs its a whole family destroyed, but she was like the perfect woman but some men i dont know if its crisis and they feel young again like a second birth, i look at guys like RusselL Simmons or even other who if the wife age are attracted to young women i dont know what it is.

I just know there s no guarantee that down the road when i m 60 my man may leave me . we do have 8years of difference. but i m not worried about it meaning you have to work on your marriage on the daily, listen to his needs, compromise, have your needs met as well. I consider my husband, my best friend , my buddy my everything but now i learn to leave him his space too to see his friends, go out because the first two years we were exclusive we had shut down everyone, family friends and were living in our cocoon but then you get tired and need to breathe a little so we talked and have a life of our own, i dont get involved in his basketball but give advice he doesnt get involve in my music but give advice. The make up line belongs to both of us but i have 60% and him 40% but am the CEO and make all the decisions he s VP

so sometimes its just sitting down planning your life but taking the pulse of the relationship. You kinda feel where its going and can tell like oho its going too monotonous lets put some spice we need a vacation even a day out. Of course marriage got his ups and downs and i used to always listen to my granny when she told me the secrets of staying together. You can t just be complacent you have to compromise and not want to be right all the time else you end up alone(like you know he s wrong but why argue just to win the argument let it slide if it s not that serious) and let a man feel like a man like he kinda controls the relationship but i really say when you stop working at it or when one stops working at it, this is when you have to start questioning it and first thing is to try to rekindle the old flames, take some time out. cause we re so focussed with our careers, work , children and usual routine that we forget to work on the relationship to keep it alive. It s like a fire that you have to nourrish constantly else it burns out.And it takes two persons willing to work it out. You can only control your end of the bargain.

 

[facets]

But what do you do to make sure those things don't happen? I don't want to "grow" more or less then my husband. I want us to always "grow" together. (Maybe I need to talk to some people who've been married 25+ years..*sigh*)

well, yes def... i always ask advice(for whatever i'm after) from ppl who are already whre i want to be. that said, my family is crazy because whenever i ask the oldtime married for any guru-like wisdom etc. they almost always come back with something flip & joky. or what many would call 'stuck-up' 'selfish' esp. the women.

"Keep yourself up, in case you need to take your show on the road"
"Pretend to listen, & smile, then do what you want to do"
"When we married, he loved me more than i cared for him."

In general, lots about not making do , not accepting abuse or disrespect.

Another major thing i've gathered from the oldsters:

What i think we miss is analyzing (and weeding) more *before* we marry nowadays...careful mate selection was huge back in the day. My maternal greatgrandparents were arranged... some of my great aunts-uncles too.

Awful but kinda funny: one of my relatives was seeing a guy that my great grandfather disapproved of and got pregnant by the guy. My ggfather was best friends with the sheriff who actually offered to have the guy arrested on phony charges because of it.

ggf declined reluctantly but wanted to help her out, have her live there instead of marrying this man he thought was not good enough. of course they eventually married anyway and even tho they're still married it's been hellish all the way.

*****
not to over-glorify the past, but having that input must have been invaluable: i'm sure it was easier since the families often knew or at least knew about each other. now it can be a real roulette wheel who ur marrying..what type of fam you're marrying into.

i imagine that the old-school courting process kept women from locking themselves into exclusive sexual relationships so soon..making it easier to maintain a rotation of possible husbands... while sorting the wheat from the chaff as it were.

it might sound snobby or cool but i can def. see where poor mate choices changed the uhhh trajectory of different branches of my own family re:happy marriages, divorces, education, prosperity etc.

 

[facets]

***bump***

anyone else?