Marriage in trouble

TRINITY05 said:
Thanks Ladies!

I wanted to introduce them, but my husband has made it clear that he disapproves of me having a friendship with a male even though we were friends before the marriage. That's it and that's all right there. Respect his wishes for a happy, peaceful home.

I don't know what to do because like I said before this is not the first time this has happened. It happened with someone else. I just can't stop calling them. I have gotten to the point that maybe I just have a problem. I can't seem to stop calling, and I love my husband dearly.

I will try counseling. :yep:
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It is easier said than done but all you have to do is delete all the phone numbers and email addresses. Every time you get the urge or desire to talk to them, talk to your husband and if you can't or don't want to do that talk to yourself, a pet, a plant, a friend, anyone but some other dude.
 
I know you said the friends were before the marriage ,but did you have a similar relationship with these friends while you and your dh were dating or is this something new? Was your husband not bothered by it before?
 
Op- I mean no disrespect but I think the issue is with you and perhaps communication in your marriage.Perhaps,your not ready for all that marriage entails(again No disrespect).The total self sacrificing for one's mate.Honestly if it's not an issue with your friends then it will be something else.These so called friends shouldn't be sending their pictures to a married woman and as a married woman you shouldn't be accepting them.I wish you all the best and if my post sounds judgemental, it is not.
 
Ok, Listen as I said before and I'm gonna say it again DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE MARRIED OR JUST LIKE THE IDEA AND SECURITY OF IT ALL!
Honestly speaking and forgive me if im wrong but, it seems to me that you just like the idea of the whole marriage thing because you keep saying that you aren't going to stop talking to these " male friends" of yours no matter how your husband feels which says that you don't care about your husbands feelings and its all about what you want and nothing else. Listen up, I went through this about 5 yrs ago myself I was young and didn't understand at the time i always liked hanging out with guys since i was little because i was a tomboy had 3 brothers to always ruff my feathers, then he was my boyfriend and father of my child i was talking to one of the guys on the phone he never admitted to me that he actually had feelings for me and i didn't see it, to make a long story short he finally got upset because he couldn't have me so he made up a lie to my then boyfriend and caused alot of trouble for our relationship from that day on I never talked to another guy if he wasn't my husband or family because no one or anything is worth me losing someone i love so dearly. I'm gonna leave you with this and really think about it, Can you picture yourself growing old without your husband?!! Will your so-called male friends do the same for you? Will they still be there when your old?
 
Honesty, I think once your DH voiced his concerns over this and you continued to do it it was more a respect issue than one of trust. That's just based on the initial post.

Now, if he had your password, or you talked/typed to this guy in front of him it would be one thing. But if there's a reason he doesn't like it, it might be because he's a man and he feels it's wise for you to stop. Men know other men.

I don't mind my DH's old friends. One was even in our wedding, standing on my side (and they used to date and "everything" back in H.S.). I'm not an insecure person, but I am an aware person. Even that woman became suspect because once I married him she got the "well runs dry" syndrome and started calling too much.

Forsaking all others! If you asked him to stop contacting old SO's hopefully he would -- so it's a reciprocal understanding. But I think he deserves that respect from you. Male friends for married women are dangerous relationships a lot of times. Just be careful, and considerate of DH -- especially of you love him. If you don't want to stop, let him know that and give him the option to leave or stay.
 
yes that it one thing. I don't get a lot of attention. When I get home from work, he is playing chess on the computer and I am on my laptop taking my online courses. I'm not saying the attention thing is all him because I am at fault too. I would just love if one of us could be a little more aggressive (oops! did I spell that right) in having more fun as a married couple. We are too much alike, we have the same personality. (laid back, conservative).


quote=SummerRain;5370533]It sounds like these friends are giving you something that you feel is missing from your marriage/hubby?

Is it attention maybe?[/quote]
 
I'm gonna say I've been in this situation both ways. First DH had a "Friend" that he knew for years before we ever met. They started out as friends went to friends with benefits and back to just friends again. When me and him started dating I told him I didn't like it. He said ok, but his dumb a@@ kept talking to this chick. When I found out I confronted him he was like you only said you didn't like it you didn't say I couldn't talk to her. I was like:sad:. So I told him if she was more important to him than I was then I need to leave, only I didn't say it that nice. Then this chick had the nerve to call me talking about being friends and coming to chill at her house and how she was trying to be the bigger person. Anyway they stopped talking because I was serious. I was gonna leave him about it. He respected my feelings. About a year ago me and my husband were at a low point in our relationship. We weren't married yet and this dude started talking to me. I didn't keep it a secret from DH, but I knew from jump that he didn't want to be just friends he made that very clear. This only went on for a few weeks and it was strictly text messaging, lol. I never really intended to mess with this dude. Honestly I can't ever imagine being as close to anyone else as I am with my husband. I found it hard to stop talking to this dude too, but you know why? I was trying to keep my options open in case I wanted to break up with DH and try something else. I think that is what you are doing. I love my husband and I would do anything for him and that includes getting rid of friends that causes a rift in the marriage. He wouldn't have had to say a thing to me about I just would have move them along myself. If you can't part with these friends you don't really want your marriage to work.
 
So if that is the case, how about ceasing all communication with male "friends" and planning "dates" with your husband to get that attention and communication back?



TRINITY05 said:
yes that it one thing. I don't get a lot of attention. When I get home from work, he is playing chess on the computer and I am on my laptop taking my online courses. I'm not saying the attention thing is all him because I am at fault too. I would just love if one of us could be a little more aggressive (oops! did I spell that right) in having more fun as a married couple. We are too much alike, we have the same personality. (laid back, conservative).


SummerRain said:
It sounds like these friends are giving you something that you feel is missing from your marriage/hubby?

Is it attention maybe?
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I don't know how old you are, and I won't ask. (The reason I bring that up is because the things I did at 22 I don't do at 42. I'm at a different place, and things that used to bother me just aren't important at this stage in my life.) I will say that I am 42 and I have been married for 10 years. I I had friends before I met my husband and I will have friends while I'm with my husband. I would never be with a man that dictates who I can be friends with. Now having said that, I would never disrespect my husband, or maintain relationships with anyone that would endanger my marriage. But having relationships with people of the opposite sex is natural. It doesn't mean you're trying to screw them. But if you are keeping the relationship from him, than you probably shouldn't have it. My husband knows of all of my past relationships, friends, and whatevers. I don't feel I need to report back to him every time I speak to an ex, but he trusts me enough to know that nothing is going on. We all have a past. You don't just forget your past when you get a man. It's all about respect. I have single friends as well as married ones. Just because I hang out with my single girlfriend does not mean I'm cheating on my husband. She is my friend, married or not. Does that make sense? I know I may be in the minority here, but trust is a major factor in any relationship. And if your man doesn't trust you, or you don't trust yourself around other men, than you have bigger issues. Relationships take work. They don't just happen. You'll be fine.
 
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thebraudgroup said:
I don't know how old you are, and I won't ask. (The reason I bring that up is because the things I did at 22 I don't do at 42. I'm at a different place, and things that used to bother me just aren't important at this stage in my life.) I will say that I am 42 and I have been married for 10 years. I I had friends before I met my husband and I will have friends while I'm with my husband. I would never be with a man that dictates who I can be friends with. Now having said that, I would never disrespect my husband, or maintain relationships with anyone that would endanger my marriage. But having relationships with people of the opposite sex is natural. It doesn't mean you're trying to screw them. But if you are keeping the relationship from him, than you probably shouldn't have it. My husband knows of all of my past relationships, friends, and whatevers. I don't feel I need to report back to him every time I speak to an ex, but he trusts me enough to know that nothing is going on. We all have a past. You don't just forget your past when you get a man. It's all about respect. I have single friends as well as married ones. Just because I hang out with my single girlfriend does not mean I'm cheating on my husband. She is my friend, married or not. Does that make sense? I know I may be in the minority here, but trust is a major factor in any relationship. And if your man doesn't trust you, or you don't trust yourself around other men, than you have bigger issues. Relationships take work. They don't just happen. You'll be fine.
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ITA with this...
 
I understand wanting to keep your friendships that you had before you were married, but why do they have to send pictures to you?

Also, if your husband has a problem with this you might just have to let go of your friendships. Your first priority is your union with your husband. If your friends are true friends, they will understand and respect that.

You say your life together is boring, but the only one you can change is you. Take the initiative to do something fun together and build that bond with your husband that makes him feel secure, valued, loved and cherished. :)

I wouldn't end a marriage for this.
 
Do you value the friendships with your male friends more than your relationship with your husband?

I agree with all those who said seek counseling; marriage is too precious to dissolve over a male friend issue.

I hope you guys can work it out.
 
nikki1971 said:
ITA. How often are you talking to these men? Are you making new male friends (that is a no no for a married women in my opinion). Honestly, your husband should be your best male friend. If you really want to be married I would re-evaluate the importance of these male friends in your life and why you feel you need them in your life.
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:yep: ITA with the bolded.
 
nikki1971 said:
ITA. How often are you talking to these men? Are you making new male friends (that is a no no for a married women in my opinion). Honestly, your husband should be your best male friend. If you really want to be married I would re-evaluate the importance of these male friends in your life and why you feel you need them in your life.
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I guess what i don;t understand is why she can't have male friends. she never said she was sleeping with this man, so I don't understand why she can;t have platonic malefriends.. If her hubby doesnt trust her then maybe we need to look to that reason. If the friend has a hidden agenda then yes, he must go. But if this is strictly a platonic, we were friends first type deal then what is the problem. He needs to look deeper into her trust issues and deal with that. If she is talking to him in private, then bring the conversation to light where they are in the room together. ease his fears

I don't think all men are trying to get with women. I know i am single, but i have male friends i wouldnt dare take it there with because we are strictly friends. If i were to get married tomorrow, then they would still stick around becasue the are my friends. i dont think the marriage should only be the two of them staring each other in the face all the time. yes you and your hubby will have a lot in common, but it is natural to want to do things with someone else as well.. For all we know her friend is gay and they like to make floral arrangements together.

i dont think the solution is, get rid of a friends... I mean what is the point of having friends if u don't enjoy their company.
 
If the shoe was on the other foot,I would be livid!Its one thing if he didn't say that he doesn't feel comfortable with your male friends but he said it and you continue to be friends with him?:nono:I don't understand at all.Here you found someone that wants to be with you til death,told you he was uncomfortable and here he finds a picture of another n#$@& on you're computer?Aww man just think if the shoe was on the other foot.Best of luck to you op.I don't think its worth losing a marriage over but you have to think long and hard who is the priority.Your husband should be your best friend.
 
TRINITY05 said:
he has always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to.


I do love my husband and I agree with everyone that this is not something to end my marriage over.


I don't know what to do because like I said before this is not the first time this has happened. It happened with someone else. I just can't stop calling them. I have gotten to the point that maybe I just have a problem. I can't seem to stop calling, and I love my husband dearly.

I will try counseling. I will call around and see what's out there. I wanted to make this my last resot, but oh well maybe this is something that I really need.
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Sounds like you know what you need to do. I am not sure if you have a church that you can go to to check their counselling services. But find someone who can help you.

For now, I would back off of all communication with the male friend and figure out what is going on with you and your reasoning behind some of your decisions.

Just a suggestion, but I would remove all pictures of male friends from the computer. His picture or any other male friends picture is not worth eroding your marriage any further.

You don't need to divulge more than what you have, just know we are all pulling for you and your marriage.

Take care of yourself and your family.
 
prettypuff1 said:
I guess what i don;t understand is why she can't have male friends. she never said she was sleeping with this man, so I don't understand why she can;t have platonic malefriends.. If her hubby doesnt trust her then maybe we need to look to that reason. If the friend has a hidden agenda then yes, he must go. But if this is strictly a platonic, we were friends first type deal then what is the problem. He needs to look deeper into her trust issues and deal with that. If she is talking to him in private, then bring the conversation to light where they are in the room together. ease his fears

I don't think all men are trying to get with women. I know i am single, but i have male friends i wouldnt dare take it there with because we are strictly friends. If i were to get married tomorrow, then they would still stick around becasue the are my friends. i dont think the marriage should only be the two of them staring each other in the face all the time. yes you and your hubby will have a lot in common, but it is natural to want to do things with someone else as well.. For all we know her friend is gay and they like to make floral arrangements together.

i dont think the solution is, get rid of a friends... I mean what is the point of having friends if u don't enjoy their company.
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Many affairs start innocently, so some people think their marriage is so worth protecting that they decide not to pursue certain friendships. Other people don't.

People have different views and that is ok, but even if your view is the above, the OP's friendship is by no means innocent if you consider the facts. And hey, some women even fall in love with gay men, in which case the worry isn't that he will indulge her, but that she is taking energy and intimacy outside her marriage and investing it elsewhere. I know I'd still be pissed if DH was in love with a lesbian. Just because he can't hit it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me.
 
TRINITY05 said:
yes that it one thing. I don't get a lot of attention. When I get home from work, he is playing chess on the computer and I am on my laptop taking my online courses. I'm not saying the attention thing is all him because I am at fault too. I would just love if one of us could be a little more aggressive (oops! did I spell that right) in having more fun as a married couple. We are too much alike, we have the same personality. (laid back, conservative).


quote=SummerRain;5370533]It sounds like these friends are giving you something that you feel is missing from your marriage/hubby?

Is it attention maybe?
Click to expand...
[/quote]

Have you told him this? Men love clear instructions, not hints or magical knowledge.
 
I agree with you that you should go to marriage counseling. Also, I think your husband should introduce you to the wives of his friends. Maybe some of these ladies can be your friends!
TRINITY05 said:
Thanks Ladies!

Here are some answers to some of your questions.

Yes I have known this guy before I was married.

I have maintained the friendship because he has always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to.

My husband has his friends who are married and all they do is play sports. I haven't been around any of their wives. ( I'm not complaining because he could be doing other things like talking to other women). It would be nice if we all could hang out sometime (couples thing). The only time we do something together is if I initiate it or sometimes my mom will come up with ideas and the three of us will go out.

I do love my husband and I agree with everyone that this is not something to end my marriage over.

I wanted to introduce them, but my husband has made it clear that he disapproves of me having a friendship with a male even though we were friends before the marriage.

I don't know what to do because like I said before this is not the first time this has happened. It happened with someone else. I just can't stop calling them. I have gotten to the point that maybe I just have a problem. I can't seem to stop calling, and I love my husband dearly.

I will try counseling. I will call around and see what's out there. I wanted to make this my last resot, but oh well maybe this is something that I really need.
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It sounds like there may be more to the issue than just having a male friend. Counseling may help uncover issues of insecurity and mistrust.

I know it isn't politically correct to say it....but I don't think folk have to turn into completely different people just to be together. My husband doesn't tell me who I can be friends with or not. And I return the favor. However, we're very open and respectful of each other. We're a couple of homebodies anyway. So it's not like folk are calling and emailing all the time.
 
My very best friend, happens to be male. We yack on the phone, online, whatever. Unfortunately we don't live in the same state anymore.

SO had to grow used to the fact that I am going to befriend whoever it is I want and I give him that exact same freedom. He's got a lot of female friends. Some are very lovely people (crazy but lovely :lachen:)

But with women, men think that the man must be after them if they happen to be friends, which really isn't true all time. I have never hid my male friendships. OP, maybe this is the reason why your husband is in an uproar. SO had a concern when he saw what my bestfriend looked like. My best friend is very attractive. he's 6'5", works out, is a PhD, and rich.

That intimidates most people....and then SO met him:lachen: No more concerns.

Like some have said, its a trust issue. My friendships are always out and in the open because I just won't hid my friends from someone who's supposed to be important to me. Its up to you to allow your husband to get to know this man, or, if its beyond that, then you need to decide which man you want to keep around; the friend or the husband.

I personally would never dump a friend, especially a longtime friend, for a man. I would compromise if the man in my life couldn't stand the friend but they'd have to give me a good reason for their actions.


Good luck OP.

-A
 
You're contemplating ending your marriage because of your male friends. My assumption is that you're not really committed to your marriage. Ask yourself, What specifically do I want out of marriage? What specifically do I like about having male friends? What would my marraige have to be in order for me to give up my male friends?
 
It sounds like there may be more to the issue than just having a male friend. Counseling may help uncover issues of insecurity and mistrust.

I know it isn't politically correct to say it....but I don't think folk have to turn into completely different people just to be together. My husband doesn't tell me who I can be friends with or not. And I return the favor. However, we're very open and respectful of each other.
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Co-signing

Sounds like turning to the friend is the tip of the iceberg and a symptom
of a larger issues....
I can only speak for me
it would be very hard for me to be or remain connected intimately with a partner who told me who my friends could be and/or issued ultimatums that male friends or otherwise had to go...and/or to be connected with a partner who refused to meet them.... RED FLAG
If I feel forced to act covertly ... and I see it affects the way I feel about myself..my man and my friend ... RED FLAG
Triangles....that I am perpetrating.....however innocent....DOUBLE RED FLAG
Ignoring my own needs from my husband and transporting them elsewhere RED FLAG
Not identifying my own needs..etc.....I would sussed this out waay before marriage
Seems controlling....on both your parts actually ..no one's able to
be honest....and participating continually in activities that don't seem to engender closeness...but further isolation..... sad...

A significant part of relationship is the joy in integrating the two separate lives.. even if... apart from my man meeting the friend ...the friend and I would continue an open platonic
friendship without my guy neccesarily being directly there...but still he'd be involved

boundaries that would prevent the misunusderatnding

my man is my very best friend and confidante and has NO doubt ..but is completely confident he is my all in all...
no secrecy
said friend is... casual...with no emotional intimacies
and frequency .... or rather infrequency of contact is also key

I agree some loving communcation..realistic and respectful boundaries..integration
and ...real shared intimacy are greatly needed....not just inhabiting the same space
total honesty and willingness to recommit....you both have to agree on what comittment means
maybe some fun along the way with each other :) ...
Counseling is a good way to start....
you have a lot of love for your husband..so there's hope
good luck,dear
 
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It sounds like the case where most married females find themselves, without true female friends to talk to and hang out with, plus the fact that as a female, it's easier to make male friends then female friends.
 
KinkyAbhinc said:
Your male friends should be his friends too. I *personally* think that we [women] should be careful befriending men (married or single) without the involvement of our husbands. But again, this is my *personal* opinion and marital ethics I live by.

Pray about it, keep your ears open to His voice and act upon the direction you are commanded to take and He will honor your obedience.
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Ditto... I'm not married but if I did make a male friend... I would be open about it with husband and make sure he became his friend too... same thing for females friends and husbands.
 
It seems that I am looking for something that I am not getting in my marriage.

Xavier said:
I am not even married so I won't give you any advice... but something just doesn't sound right about the above statement you made. I hope it all works out for you and your hubby OP.
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TRINITY05 said:
It seems that I am looking for something that I am not getting in my marriage.
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I think this is the reason why so many people are disturbed at a married person having intimate outside friendships, NOT lack of trust. If you keep going to outside friends to make up for what's lacking in your marriage, then you aren't putting in the work to make your marriage grow and it will slowly die.

It's good that you're looking honestly at the situation. I'm sure you and your hubby can work it out if you're both committed enough to the marriage, and your marriage will strengthen. I think that as you and your hubby rely on each other more and more for your emotional needs, you'll find that you won't be as attached to these male friends.
 
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