When Afro Cinema Comes To Life. How Would You Handle This?

[okange76]

An acquaintance of mine asked this question in a FB group I belong to. Her friend is facing this dilemma and has no idea what to do. I don't have any answers either. This is an African family.

"How do you tell your daughter that her soon to be father in law, was once your lover and he's the reason you and her father ended their marriage 10 years ago? You accompanied her to meet your future in laws at a restaurant so as to plan the traditional marriage and payment of dowry at her father's home (your ex-husband) and then you see your former lover. (daughter's future father in law). You had no idea that it was his son that was dating your daughter. You know it will be a definite NO once her father realizes that his daughter wants to marry the son of the man his ex-wife cheated with thus resulting in the divorce."

So, do you tell your daughter the truth upfront and let her decide?
Should your daughter still marry into this family?
Do you remain silent and let all hell break lose at the ceremony?
Do the kids elope and come back later when no one can say anything?
Do you approach her Dad first and give him a heads up?

Thoughts?

 

[IslandMummy]

Damn. I mean that’s not the children’s fault. But on the other hand.

I have nothing.

 

[RUBY]

The mother should tell the daughter the truth and let her decide what to do. I think it would be cruel not to say anything and certainly not to wait until the ceremony. Is she expecting her ex husband not to notice? In fact she should also give her ex a heads up about whats going on. That way everyone involved has time to process and decide what to do.
#nosurprises , #faceuptoyourpast, #letthetruthsetyoufree,

 

[lisatamika]

I think I already know how it would end, but yeah ... tell the daughter. Even if she did go the ex-lover and they both decide to keep it a secret, could she really live with keeping that secret from her daughter? I probably couldn't.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

You know it will be a definite NO once her father realizes that his daughter wants to marry the son of the man his ex-wife cheated with thus resulting in the divorce."

All the old grown people need to talk first and decide if they can all shut up about the situation. If not, then the mother needs to dial her daughter the minute that conversation is over and let her know what's good.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

I need more information. How much do other people know?

If it was truly secret (and I'm guessing it was because this man was at her Ex-Husband's house and no one was the wiser), I'm actually of the mind that she nor he need to say a damn thing.

 

[okange76]

More Info from the FB comments:

Ex-husband was not at the restaurant for the first planning meeting
Ex husband knows future FIL, that's why he couldn't forgive the infidelity
Future FIL's wife has no idea the affair happened.
The girl was never told the truth why her parents divorced
Both culprits are shocked and scared because the truth will come out

 

[GreenEyedJen]

Oh, yeah. Based on the additional information, they need to come clean. It's gonna come out anyway. Oh Lawd. A mess.

(Please update).

 

[intellectualuva]

Lawd.

All these old folks need to talk, then they need to tell the kids. All these secrets bound to come out and blow up ish....may as well do it before yall drop money on venues, etc.

 

[Theresamonet]

I think the parents need to get together first and come clean with each other. If they can act right, I don't think the son and daughter need to know that they were all sleeping together. If that meeting doesn't go well, and someone is about to pop off, then yeah... time to let the kids know.

 

[ladysaraii]

I think the parents need to get together first and come clean with each other. If they can act right, I don't think the son and daughter need to know that they were all sleeping together. If that meeting doesn't go well, and someone is about to pop off, then yeah... time to let the kids know.

But it's not just acting right for the wedding. These people will be linked forever. And once grandchildren are born...

They need to fess up

Also, who else knows....family or friends? Cuz the truth will come out somehow.

 

[awhyley]

Haven't read any responses as yet, but I'm going with #4 - elopement all the way.

(eta: Read through, answer unchanged)

 

[ladysaraii]

Damn. I mean that’s not the children’s fault. But on the other hand.

I have nothing.

The messed up part is that it will change everyone's relationship forever. The daughter will likely view her mom and the FIL differently. And if the MIL ever finds out, she'll likely despise the daughter.

 

[sunnieb]

So interesting that one act of adultery can have this long of a reach.

Come clean. Why should the kids have to suffer? It's not easy to meet, fall in love, and get married.

 

[oneastrocurlie]

The messed up part is that it will change everyone's relationship forever. The daughter will likely view her mom and the FIL differently. And if the MIL ever finds out, she'll likely despise the daughter.

Right. And what will the son think of his dad?

Woo what a mess.

 

[fula97]

this sucks all around. The couples married life is going to be drama filled.

 

[Shiks]

All the old grown people need to talk first and decide if they can all shut up about the situation. If not, then the mother needs to dial her daughter the minute that conversation is over and let her know what's good.

This! The kids should not have to suffer. Be the grownups and let these kids flourish.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

I would suggest the wife, ex husband, and ex lover meet to discuss how they want to approach the situation-leaving the MIL out of it. Since it's been 10 years, maybe they can decide to be decent and let the secret die with them. But if the ex-husband refuses to bite his tongue, then they should inform the daughter and let her decide how to proceed.

 

[WhoIAm]

God forbid bad thing will a wedding happen once mother in law is involved.

I know a damn near similar scenario. Dude is full grown and in a punanny haze. The girl is much younger and thinks her pretty will sway mama nem. It's not about to happen for them.

 

[okange76]

This! The kids should not have to suffer. Be the grownups and let these kids flourish.

Girl, these are our people from Nyanza. Imagine the drama that is brewing to explode. I don't know how this will be solved because you know someone will spill the beans to the kids one way or another. May not be the parents but some loud mouth relative will say something and it will come out in a dispute that has nothing to do with this marriage.

 

[Shiks]

Girl, these are our people from Nyanza. Imagine the drama that is brewing to explode. I don't know how this will be solved because you know someone will spill the beans to the kids one way or another. May not be the parents but some loud mouth relative will say something and it will come out in a dispute that has nothing to do with this marriage.

I think they should tell the kids...before a loud mouth spits it out at a party. I will say though that Africans keep secrets for very long. I only found out like 5 years ago my cousin is adopted. Again,someone was a loudmouth but that is 24 years of keeping a secret.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

I guess I'm just scandalous. I dont have kids and I've never had an affair but honestly this is what I think I would do:
I wouldn't say a word and would deny the affair and minimize any talk of the after-reffects of the friend ship. My affair is my business and has nothing to do with my kid. I'd play dumb and keep it moving. I'd make my daughters father look like a hysterical nut job and I'm sure my ex lover would play along.

 

[ommns]

Are we sure that that future FIL is not the bride to be father??????

 

[Farida]

Her ex knows about the affair. FIL knows. I am sure both of them have told countles others. It is not a secret so it will come out. They need to let it out and let the chips fall where they may so the couple can go into the marriage knowing what the dynamic is going to be or decide they don’t want this mess.

And if her dad is going to be a the wedding can you imagine him trying not to have a stank face the whole time?

@okange76 hakuna siri ya watu wawili. And if these two are kisii...waaaahh...it needs to come out before.

 

[LiftedUp]

The mother should he upfront with her daughter so that her daughter and her future sil could decide how they want to proceed.

I think that it's a quandary because her mother is more embarrassed and disappointed in herself. She needs to put that aside for her daughter's sake.

 

[silverbuttons]

I don’t think this needs to come out. Why can’t the mother/father discuss this like adults? If the father can prioritize his daughter’s happiness over spiting the FIL, things can go as planned. This will stain the reputation of both families if it does become public information.

 

[Gin&Tonic]

More Info from the FB comments:

Ex-husband was not at the restaurant for the first planning meeting
Ex husband knows future FIL, that's why he couldn't forgive the infidelity
Future FIL's wife has no idea the affair happened.
The girl was never told the truth why her parents divorced
Both culprits are shocked and scared because the truth will come out

Child please- what truth? Marriages don’t work out. Both culprits need to agree to put their game face on. My ex husband would looks all kinds of crazy while my ex- lover stands with his wife.

Most women talk too much IMO.

 

[LdyKamz]

I'e learned that most times when people want to tell the truth about something it is to relieve their guilt and make themselves feel better under the guise that "s/he needs to know". But most times it doesn't help the person they are telling and sometimes that person will even say I wish you never told me. I don't know what the answer is here but I do think all offenders need to get together and figure something out. They went this long without anyone spilling the beans so why is it so impossible to continue on this way? Unless the bride is actually the ex-lover's daughter (and her soon to be husband is her half brother) I think it can be dealt with so the kids in love can live happily ever after.