How Would You Feel About This?

[ThickHair]

I had no problem with my exhusband and his son's siblings. There was a big age differenct like 10 years between my stepson and his little brother, BUT his cousin who was 18 months younger than him always tagged along and my ex had no problem with the other little boy. He spent the night, went to church and my ex did for him like he did for his son. The cousin's father was involved and did for my stepson, so no problems in out household. ie their mother's were sisters.

We were married, that is different than dating in my book.

 

[Browndilocks]

Hi MzLady

I dont think there's anything too wrong with the situation but I'd honestly feel uncomfortable with it. Uncomfortable to the point where I wouldn't date the guy.

Where is the daughter's father/family? Do they take or pick up the son in the same manner that the brother's dad does?

What kind of rubs me the wrong way about the situation is my thought about many dead-beat dads; and how they don't have anything to do with their children if they're at odds or off limits with the mother. On the contrary, it seems that a man who would take care of some other man's child - when he's not even married to the mother - still has feelings for the woman. Enough feelings and love for her to take care of her child(ren) that isn't even his. That's just a thought and doesn't at all have to apply to this situation. But it is definitely something that comes to mind when I hear this.

The situation is what it is for him, but you have to remember that you indeed have all of YOUR options readily available to you. Good luck.

 

[Transformer]

I think this makes him wonderful. This will also help eliminate jealousy and other mean situations in the household. I think he's looking out for the welfare of his child.

Also, why be mean. Would you buy just your child an ice cream cone and not the other. Also she was there when he dated the mom so no need to pretend she doesn't exist now.

 

[MzLady78]

Hi MzLady

I dont think there's anything too wrong with the situation but I'd honestly feel uncomfortable with it. Uncomfortable to the point where I wouldn't date the guy.

Where is the daughter's father/family? Do they take or pick up the son in the same manner that the brother's dad does?

What kind of rubs me the wrong way about the situation is my thought about many dead-beat dads; and how they don't have anything to do with their children if they're at odds or off limits with the mother. On the contrary, it seems that a man who would take care of some other man's child - when he's not even married to the mother - still has feelings for the woman. Enough feelings and love for her to take care of her child(ren) that isn't even his. That's just a thought and doesn't at all have to apply to this situation. But it is definitely something that comes to mind when I hear this.

The situation is what it is for him, but you have to remember that you indeed have all of YOUR options readily available to you. Good luck.

Hey Browndilocks!

Not sure about the daughter's father/family. Didn't bother to ask.

I definitely understand where you're coming from with the bolded, I won't even front and act like it didn't cross my mind when he first had this discussion.

Having said that, I'm sure he still cares about her as the mother of his child but *I* am not under the impression that it's anything more than that. He gave me his explanation for why he does what he does and unless I see reason to think otherwise, I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

[glam-]

it just sounds like he is being a father/father figure to both of them. It wouldnt make me uncomfortable, but I have a child so i understand a a lot better.

What about it makes you uncomfortable? That it is one instead of 2 children? or that the other child he is doing it for isnt his? Is it that it takes time away from you?

This is the thing, if you were to get serious and marry this person, you have to take on everything that comes with his life. This is one of those things that comes with it and you have to be ok with it. If you are already uncomfy with it, then this may not work out the way you want it too.

I don't see the problem. If the children are going to the same house after school, why not bring both?
I think he is being a great dad and a good man. You should worry if he made a big deal out of not wanting to deal with his son's sister, children don't see what we do and he is making their lives a little more "normal" by treating them like siblings.[/QUOTE]

I agreee- particularly with the bolded. My cousin does this exact same thing with his son's younger sister. He has always been a very involved dad, and when the ex-gf had a child by someone else he took her on as his son's little sister. He brings her on vacation with him & his son and she even calls him Daddy (he is unfortunately the only father she's ever really known due to the mother's poor choices.) He just tries to make their lives more normal, and since he sees both children as his own he has tried to reconcile and create a family with her for the sake of the kids (his mom was a single parent).

Though it always warms my heart to see this, I can see how it could be a complication for you in dating him. And I can also see how down the line it could really become more expensive because he will likely continue contributing to the child. You almost have to look at it like he has two kids even though only one is his biological. I am curious whether the other child's father is at all involved. Also, I do think it would be ideal if the mother marries and thus has a parenting partner in the home, too. It will help take some of the financial slack involved in caring for the other child off of him- and help to head off any potential drama.

 

[dlewis]

I don't think it would make me uncomfortable. I think it's sweet.

my new way of thinking.

My brother's first two childrens mother got married and had another child. Now at christmas and other holidays I would get things for my niece and nephew. My husband asked me why wasn't I doing for the new baby and I said because she not mine. He said "well, my brother ex grilfriends husband is not just doing for his child he does for all of them. A child shouldn't have to suffer for the mistakes of their parents." After thinking about it I saw that he was right.

 

[mrselle]

The only thing I wonder is whether or not the daughter’s father plays an active role in her life? Aside from that, I think what your SO is doing is admirable and the right thing to do. Only he can/should make the decision on where to draw the line. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, so I understand how challenging it can be for another person to step into a family dynamic that has already been established. Just like your SO is the only one who can decide on where to draw the line, only you can decide on where to draw the line on how much you are willing to deal with. With that said, my friend’s husband has a teenage son from a previous marriage. That son has a younger brother and sister. My friend has a son with her husband who is around the same age as the two small children. Those children are invited to all the birthday parties and any other activity they want to be part of and my friend is more than ok with it. I know it’s not for everyone, but I do think it’s beautiful when adults can put their differences aside for the sake of the children.

 

[BKVincy]

Be honest with yourself and dont deal with anything you cant handle.....whats seemingly shifty to you know WILL become resentful bitterness in the future ..own up to what your comfortable with ..if you have a problem with the situation THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT...regardless if hes the perfect father or not

 

[Bunny77]

The only thing I wonder is whether or not the daughter’s father plays an active role in her life? Aside from that, I think what your SO is doing is admirable and the right thing to do. Only he can/should make the decision on where to draw the line. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, so I understand how challenging it can be for another person to step into a family dynamic that has already been established. Just like your SO is the only one who can decide on where to draw the line, only you can decide on where to draw the line on how much you are willing to deal with. With that said, my friend’s husband has a teenage son from a previous marriage. That son has a younger brother and sister. My friend has a son with her husband who is around the same age as the two small children. Those children are invited to all the birthday parties and any other activity they want to be part of and my friend is more than ok with it. I know it’s not for everyone, but I do think it’s beautiful when adults can put their differences aside for the sake of the children.

This is very nice.

It also seems to work because both partners have remarried or married and they function as a blended family. I know a family like this... there are five boys between the two couples, they all recognize that they're all great parents, but the initial two parents realize that they're much better off with their second husbands/wives in a marital relationship, but they respect their exes as parents.

That seems to be the key to success here. I think it can go nuts when everything stays OOW though.

 

[MzLady78]

Thank you ladies. I appreciate all the feedback you've given and definitely think some great points were made.

I'm just gonna take it in stride and see what happens. He's a great guy and I would have to really, REALLY feel that this is a gonna be a problem to stop seeing him. I'm nowhere close to that right now. Like I said, I just found it odd because I don't know any other guys who would do these things.

But I will keep you posted.