When a Spouse Gains a Lot of Weight

Lady Esquire

Lady Esquire

New Member
Is it unfair to the other spouse?
Or is that part of the vows?
What's your take on this?

My friend who is 5 feet tall has gained 80 pounds on and off over an 8-year period. Her husband has made comments about how it affects his attraction toward her. Is it unfair of him to say that? Is it fair for her to gain so much? I have a family member who feels the same way about her husband gaining a ton of weight.

I am conflicted and can see both spouses points of view.
 
That's alot of weight..I think it's unfair. Of course your look will change and your weight can/will fluctuate but I think (barring medical reasons) gaining a lot of weight is just being lax.

Would I love them less..NO. Would they turn me on just as much..doubt it.
 
I think it depends. I don't think it's fair if the person gaining weight isn't exercising or trying to eat healthy and is just gaining weight continuously. But there could also be other issues (health, emotional, ect) that are the real reason why someone is gaining weight.
If your friend's husband's comments are rude or are in no way, shape, or form helping, then he really needs to stop because it could be causing her to become a stress eater or something. If he's just stating how he feels about her weight gain or is trying to encourage her to get in shape, I see nothing wrong with that. It's better to be honest and get it out than to keep it bottled up
 
Honestly if i married a man who was initially fit and sexy and ballooned up 80 pounds i would be pissed.

If the ballooning was a result of an illness, i wouldn't say too much about it, but i would no longer be sexually attracted to him **kanyeshrug**

If the ballooning was a result of laziness/complacency/not giving a damn, i would be very vocal about it, and of course, not be sexually attracted to him.

I don't think it's unreasonable for a spouse to be upset about the drastic weight gain of a partner.

I'd want to stay sexy and attractive to my mate. That alone would motivate me to stay in shape and keep fit.
 
I don't think that attraction should be the biggest factor in a marriage, HOWEVER, I do think that you have a right to be concerned if your spouse is gaining ridiculous amounts of weight after you guys get married. Yes, you are supposed to be together 'for better or for worse' but I also think that people get married with certain ideas in mind, and certain expectations. If you were fit and conscious of your weight prior to getting married, and then you gain 80 lbs (at 5 ft tall....smh), then that is not what your spouse signed up for.

We're human beings, and it's natural for us to weigh attraction heavily (no pun intended lol). Has he suggested anything constructive to help her lose weight? Maybe he could suggest that they work out together, cook together, or he should try to find out how her eating habits have changed, etc.
 
It is unfair. Outside of health issues, I expect you to look similar to the way you did when I met and married you. Vanity pounds are a given over the years but excessive weight gain is unacceptable to me.

I would offer to help in any way I could. Cooking healthy meals for both of us, offering to work out with him, etc. All of this would be done when I first start noticing the weight though, not 80 pounds later. I'm your wife and your partner and I am more than happy to help you.

If you refuse, then I think a re-evaluation is in order.
 
I think its unfair. I think its normal that as we age we will put on a couple of lbs, but 80lbs in 8years is a lot.
 
To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part

I don't see anything in them about "while you're still cute".
 
It's silly to enter into a marriage expect your spouse's character and physical figure not to change. I wonder if his wife is the same person he married 8 years ago?..

I'm going to knock on wood ....but my husband would never say that to me. If there is an issue about weight (and I do have them), we work out together, eat salads, and basically adjust our lifestyle to help me out. That's what a partner does. Even at my worst, he hugged me the same, kissed me the same and looked at me the same during our time in bed together.

I hope that man tries to help his wife out because I'm sure she's not happy being 80lbs heavier that she was before.

Paz y Amor
 
The way that I see it is like this. If you don't like the weight your spouse is gaining then its part of your job to say something to them about it. But I also think that its that spouses job to keep their self presentable they way they were when they married. I understand a little weight gain is part of life and comes with age but 80lbs is excessive. I also think that if the spouse has gained weight then its the other's job to help that person lose weight. Walk with them, cook healthier meals give them positive encouragement etc
 
Interesting thread! I think your friends spouse is just being honest. He's saying that he's not as attracted to her BUT he does still love her. Attraction is a physical thing.

I have been married 11 years and I am 1 size larger than I was when we first got married. My DH has gained weight too, but not enough. I work out. He doesn't. He has no muscles whatsoever. No chest. No abs. No arms. No back. No shoulders. Just a thin man. It was cute when we were barely out of our teens and both weighing under a buck twenty, but now I would really like him to "buff up". He hasn't. Been asking for years. And as the years have gone by I'm less attracted to him. he's still handsome, but if he had the body to match he would be FINE! Tell your girlfriend to shed some of those pounds - not just for her man, but for herself. They'll both be happier in the end.
 
LadyEsquire said:
Is it unfair to the other spouse?
Or is that part of the vows?
What's your take on this?

My friend who is 5 feet tall has gained 80 pounds on and off over an 8-year period. Her husband has made comments about how it affects his attraction toward her. Is it unfair of him to say that? Is it fair for her to gain so much? I have a family member who feels the same way about her husband gaining a ton of weight.

I am conflicted and can see both spouses points of view.
Click to expand...

Yes, but they both vowed for better or for worse till death do them part.

Obviously something is going on for a weight gain that big. Perhaps she needs to seek help to see why she gained so much weight (both medical and maybe counseling).

The husband needs to be supportive as they try to get to the root cause of things together. He has a right to voice his displeasure, but him being negative towards her isn't going to help your friend get back to a healthy weight. It will most likely make things worse. He should approach it from a stance of concern for her health and well-being.
 
I think he has a right to be upset and vocal about it. He should try to be supportive but I would be mad. It's like false advertising. I expect changes,wrinkles gray hair a little love weight but to just allow yourself to become morbidly obese and not expect it to affect your partner is insane.
 
Very unfair very very unfair and especially 80 pounds no sir thats waaaaaaaayy too much.

We know people get relax but thats just too relaed tell your friend hit the gym quick
 
OP, how does your friend feel about the weight gain? I think I would be less than honest if I said 80 lbs (non medical reason) of weight gain wouldn't bother me but I want to know how does your friend feel about herself.
 
I think this is an interesting thread. I could almost be the friend the OP is talking about. I've been married for 8 years/with my husband for 10. I am five feet tall. I was 130 or so when we met and am now usually between 170 and 175.
My kids are seven, six, and four. I had three c-sections. I lost just about all of my baby weight after the first child. I lost most of what I gain after child number two. After child number three and the third c-section, the weight just laughed at me. :nono: BTW, pre-kids I ate what I wanted, was not really active, and had the body of my dreams. I did do ab work every now and then but that was about it.

Here are my thoughts:
Hubby needs to come at his wife from a HEALTH and ENDURANCE angle. Baby I want to know that you will be around forever and baby you're a wonderful mother and I want to make sure you are here to help take care of these babies.
There should NEVER be any negative comments, I can't wait till you lose the weight, etc. etc.
He should make a list of things that he thinks would help her and start there. Whether she needs to destress (more alone time, help with organization, time management, a weekly date night), needs to exercise more (go with her on walks after dinner, exercise together, take the kids with them to do physical activities), help with meal planning (he can find some easy healthy recipes, he can cook, he can do the groceries, etc.)

If he has a problem with it, he needs to not complain and put the work in to change the situation or he needs to LEAVE NOW. If he feels like he cannot deal with her the way she is, he needs to leave NOW. He should have left 80 pounds ago.

A lot of people who have never been really overweight have the idea that losing weight is easy. I think that it is a very complex issue that is NOT just about eating. It just ain't that simple.

I also believe that people are just too darn superficial. I don't get it. If he wanted a supermodel, he should have married one and made her sign a prenup stating that she agreed NOT to gain more than a certain amount of weight.

If her weight is the only thing he has to complain about, he needs to get over it. There are a whole lot of women out there giving their men some real issues to complain about.

God forbid she gets into an accident and her face gets scarred up or she gets breast cancer and has to have a breast removed. Is he going to be there for her then. Is he going to support her then or is he going to be gone in a flash.
 
A lot of people who have never been really overweight have the idea that losing weight is easy. I think that it is a very complex issue that is NOT just about eating. It just ain't that simple.
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This is sooooo true. I was one of those people who were effortlessly thin and curvy my whole life and when I got married. But after our first child (I gained 40 lbs with her) Im pretty sure I went through post partum depression and ate my way through it. So I ended up keeping all 40+ lbs from pregnancy.
It was so hard to even change my mindset because I had never had to put any effort into thinking about what I ate or exercising. And yes I do think that we should keep ourselves attractive by our mates standards (within reason) but just thinking about how far Id fallen made me even more depressed. It didnt really matter what my husband said.

The only thing the husband can do to help is to ask her if she is happy with her weight, perhaps why has she gained so much (medical, emotional, social reasons?), whats her weight goal, and how can he help her achieve it.

This is apart of better/worse. Loving and helping your partner through those times.

BTW It took me almost 1.5 years to completely loose the weight
 
shenitab said:
I think this is an interesting thread. I could almost be the friend the OP is talking about. I've been married for 8 years/with my husband for 10. I am five feet tall. I was 130 or so when we met and am now usually between 170 and 175.
My kids are seven, six, and four. I had three c-sections. I lost just about all of my baby weight after the first child. I lost most of what I gain after child number two. After child number three and the third c-section, the weight just laughed at me. :nono: BTW, pre-kids I ate what I wanted, was not really active, and had the body of my dreams. I did do ab work every now and then but that was about it.

Here are my thoughts:
Hubby needs to come at his wife from a HEALTH and ENDURANCE angle. Baby I want to know that you will be around forever and baby you're a wonderful mother and I want to make sure you are here to help take care of these babies.
There should NEVER be any negative comments, I can't wait till you lose the weight, etc. etc.
He should make a list of things that he thinks would help her and start there. Whether she needs to destress (more alone time, help with organization, time management, a weekly date night), needs to exercise more (go with her on walks after dinner, exercise together, take the kids with them to do physical activities), help with meal planning (he can find some easy healthy recipes, he can cook, he can do the groceries, etc.)

If he has a problem with it, he needs to not complain and put the work in to change the situation or he needs to LEAVE NOW. If he feels like he cannot deal with her the way she is, he needs to leave NOW. He should have left 80 pounds ago.

A lot of people who have never been really overweight have the idea that losing weight is easy. I think that it is a very complex issue that is NOT just about eating. It just ain't that simple.

I also believe that people are just too darn superficial. I don't get it. If he wanted a supermodel, he should have married one and made her sign a prenup stating that she agreed NOT to gain more than a certain amount of weight.

If her weight is the only thing he has to complain about, he needs to get over it. There are a whole lot of women out there giving their men some real issues to complain about.

God forbid she gets into an accident and her face gets scarred up or she gets breast cancer and has to have a breast removed. Is he going to be there for her then. Is he going to support her then or is he going to be gone in a flash.
Click to expand...

You mentioned circustances that out of her control, Cancer an accident but she can control what she puts in her mouth and if she gets up 40 min earlier to work out. It is not easy but it can be done.
 
Honestly, I would not be happy if my husband gained a lot of weight and sorry but I would be vocal about it especially if it was excessive. I'd still love him, but sexual attraction is important part of a healthy marriage in my opinion and I think both parties need to maintain a certain standard. When I have a baby, I will move my treadmill right next in the baby room if I have too. And I don't mind helping hubby either, we recently went on a diet together and he lost 15lbs.
 
shenitab said:
I think this is an interesting thread. I could almost be the friend the OP is talking about. I've been married for 8 years/with my husband for 10. I am five feet tall. I was 130 or so when we met and am now usually between 170 and 175.
My kids are seven, six, and four. I had three c-sections. I lost just about all of my baby weight after the first child. I lost most of what I gain after child number two. After child number three and the third c-section, the weight just laughed at me. :nono: BTW, pre-kids I ate what I wanted, was not really active, and had the body of my dreams. I did do ab work every now and then but that was about it.

Here are my thoughts:
Hubby needs to come at his wife from a HEALTH and ENDURANCE angle. Baby I want to know that you will be around forever and baby you're a wonderful mother and I want to make sure you are here to help take care of these babies.
There should NEVER be any negative comments, I can't wait till you lose the weight, etc. etc.
He should make a list of things that he thinks would help her and start there. Whether she needs to destress (more alone time, help with organization, time management, a weekly date night), needs to exercise more (go with her on walks after dinner, exercise together, take the kids with them to do physical activities), help with meal planning (he can find some easy healthy recipes, he can cook, he can do the groceries, etc.)

If he has a problem with it, he needs to not complain and put the work in to change the situation or he needs to LEAVE NOW. If he feels like he cannot deal with her the way she is, he needs to leave NOW. He should have left 80 pounds ago.

A lot of people who have never been really overweight have the idea that losing weight is easy. I think that it is a very complex issue that is NOT just about eating. It just ain't that simple.

I also believe that people are just too darn superficial. I don't get it. If he wanted a supermodel, he should have married one and made her sign a prenup stating that she agreed NOT to gain more than a certain amount of weight.

If her weight is the only thing he has to complain about, he needs to get over it. There are a whole lot of women out there giving their men some real issues to complain about.

God forbid she gets into an accident and her face gets scarred up or she gets breast cancer and has to have a breast removed. Is he going to be there for her then. Is he going to support her then or is he going to be gone in a flash.
Click to expand...


I agree with this. So many of my friends who are moms are running themselves into the ground and don't have time to exercise or even consider eating better. Meanwhile, their husbands go to the gym and play ball because they don't invest the kind of time in the home that that the wives do. I think when there is more of a balance in the house in terms of work and effort it helps the wife to be a better her.... weight wise and all.
 
I understand "for better or for worse", but some people (male and female alike) use that as a reason to act or look however they want at their spouses' expense. I don't care what vows a man or woman says on their wedding day, having a "bump it, I'm married" attitude is wrong AND unfair to their spouse.

That having been said OP, and it's possible I missed this in a later post, there's nothing to indicate that your friend falls into that category. While I understand why her husband isn't as attracted to her, it's not fair to her for him to only contribute negative comments. If a woman (and this works both ways, but I'm going in this direction because of the scenario in the original post) is gaining weight, the FIRST thing her husband should do is offer to help her. She says she doesn't have time to exercise? Redistribute the chores or incorporate exercise into family activities that everyone can enjoy. Is it hard for her to eat healthy with unhealthy foods in the home or when preparing less than healthy meals for others? Have EVERYONE adopt a healthier diet so she won't have as difficult of a time fighting temptation. Of course this approach only works if the wife is receptive, but husbands aren't the only ones who need to be supported during the course of a marriage and wives aren't the only one who need to give support.
 
It is unfair..sure, people gain weight as they age and that's fine, BUT 80 lbs is a whole lot of weight and drastically changes a person's appearance, causing their spouse to feel like that's not the person they married. Sexual attraction is very important in a marriage, both people need to do their part to keep their looks intact. However, the negative comments just are not nice and not necessary. The spouse should be supportive and encourage their spouse to lose weight by doing teamwork to lose the weight, for example, eat healthy meals, cut out the fast food, and work out together. If the person that gained 80 lbs is not willing to do all of that, then that can cause a whole lot of problems in the marriage.
 
Im sure this woman did not intentially want to gain 80lbs. Yes, 80lbs is a large amount of wt. 10lbs here there can easily add to 80lbs. There are lots of things that would factor why she gained this weight.

Its all in the delivery of the husband, if he his making negative comments and being and @$$ in his delivery of communicating "his" unhappiness. This is not going to help his wife, only going to make things worse.

If he truly was commited to his wife and health of his marrage he would find out deep down why his wife has seem to let herself go. Its obvious there are underlying issues that need to be addressed. Instead of making a big deal about it to "others" he needs to be talking to his wife!
 
that's a hard one. I was chunky when I married, lost weight and gained some back. My husband has gained some as well. However, at no point has he ever treated me differently or voiced any opinions on my weight. ITA with the ladies that say maybe there is some underlying medical problem causing the gain.
 
MD_Lady said:
I understand "for better or for worse", but some people (male and female alike) use that as a reason to act or look however they want at their spouses' expense. I don't care what vows a man or woman says on their wedding day, having a "bump it, I'm married" attitude is wrong AND unfair to their spouse.

.
Click to expand...

agreed

Though he should be supporting her in eating healthier.
 
newbiemom said:
You mentioned circustances that out of her control, Cancer an accident but she can control what she puts in her mouth and if she gets up 40 min earlier to work out. It is not easy but it can be done.
Click to expand...

Thanks for saying this~

People *not the poster* take that through sickness and health till death ..... clause to far.

Yes 80 pound weight gain out of lax and laziness is unacceptable. You're being lazy affects me because of all the health problems you could incure as a result. I'm gonna be the one to take care of you, buy meds, hospital visits, taking off work etc. when it could have been avoided. The spouse should want to be healthy to ensure a long healthy marriage with spouse.

Unexpected health problems cancer, things out of your control falls under the sickness and health till death. IMO.
 
MD_Lady said:
I understand "for better or for worse", but some people (male and female alike) use that as a reason to act or look however they want at their spouses' expense. I don't care what vows a man or woman says on their wedding day, having a "bump it, I'm married" attitude is wrong AND unfair to their spouse.
Click to expand...

It is unfair. That's the risk you take when you make those vows.
 
jennboo said:
Honestly if i married a man who was initially fit and sexy and ballooned up 80 pounds i would be pissed.

If the ballooning was a result of an illness, i wouldn't say too much about it, but i would no longer be sexually attracted to him **kanyeshrug**

If the ballooning was a result of laziness/complacency/not giving a damn, i would be very vocal about it, and of course, not be sexually attracted to him.

I don't think it's unreasonable for a spouse to be upset about the drastic weight gain of a partner.

I'd want to stay sexy and attractive to my mate. That alone would motivate me to stay in shape and keep fit.
Click to expand...

ITA. He's not telling her that he will leave her unless she loses weight, he's just saying that his attraction to her is wavering b/c of her weight. I know if my fit as a fiddle, chiseled 6 pack, muscled out, perfect bodied SO started looking like this,
57153909-94ef-efd1-8cfe-1f32c96383ce-ontv_bpsi_fb_faizonLove_miguelNunez_kennyBurns_Nov18-029.JPG
, then hell yea my attraction wouldn't be there! That doesnt mean I'll stop loving him, but I can't get turned on by all that fat, it just can't happen.
 
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