When a Spouse Gains a Lot of Weight

[MD_Lady]

agreed

Though he should be supporting her in eating healthier.

That was the second part of my post. IMO, providing support is the area where a lot of people (especially men) fall short. People especially don't realize how much supporting someone by getting them back on track when they've fallen off the fitness bandwagon (either by cheating on their diet or slacking with exercising) helps. Some times resuming a workout plan can be harder than starting one.

 

[Lady Esquire]

OP, how does your friend feel about the weight gain? I think I would be less than honest if I said 80 lbs (non medical reason) of weight gain wouldn't bother me but I want to know how does your friend feel about herself.

She is unhappy about the weight and not delusional.

There are a few things going on in with this one specific couple. For instance, the hubby has disappointed her in other major ways, so I think she's like, "you turned out to be WAY less than my expectations, so deal with this extra weight."

Another thing, she holds on to pics of her thinner days and constantly talks about her "fine" days. But she is only 34 and so beautiful, she can lose it and enjoy today but she's so stuck in her 20s.

Lastly, she is a great cook and stuck in her ways about making minor changes to her diet and substituting certain ingredients, managing portion control, and regular exercise.

As for the marriage vows, is it realistic to expect the spouse to not have human reactions to our negative behaviors? A spouse's attraction will change if the other abuses drugs or alcohol? So if you let food blow you up, why is it a surprise that the spouse will have issues with it? The other spouse is put in a position that they are being insensitive if s/he says something but also gets blamed for dishonesty if s/he doesn't say anything. Resentment grows, causes wandering eyes, etc....

Marriage is a love affair and attraction is an important element. Isn't it a responsibility on both person's part to nurture that aspect? Maybe not in a shallow way, but in a way to preserve the spark.

 

[MD_Lady]

It is unfair. That's the risk you take when you make those vows.

I respect your opinion, but IMO, a "risk" of taking the vows shouldn't be that they may later be used as justification for your spouse disregarding your feelings.

 

[chrstndiva]

She is unhappy about the weight and not delusional.

There are a few things going on in with this one specific couple. For instance, the hubby has disappointed her in other major ways, so I think she's like, "you turned out to be WAY less than my expectations, so deal with this extra weight."

Another thing, she holds on to pics of her thinner days and constantly talks about her "fine" days. But she is only 34 and so beautiful, she can lose it and enjoy today but she's so stuck in her 20s.

Lastly, she is a great cook and stuck in her ways about making minor changes to her diet and substituting certain ingredients, managing portion control, and regular exercise.

As for the marriage vows, is it realistic to expect the spouse to not have human reactions to our negative behaviors? A spouse's attraction will change if the other abuses drugs or alcohol? So if you let food blow you up, why is it a surprise that the spouse will have issues with it? The other spouse is put in a position that they are being insensitive if s/he says something but also gets blamed for dishonesty if s/he doesn't say anything. Resentment grows, causes wandering eyes, etc....

Marriage is a love affair and attraction is an important element. Isn't it a responsibility on both person's part to nurture that aspect? Maybe not in a shallow way, but in a way to preserve the spark.

Of course the spouse who is keeping him/herself up is going to react. It's normal and there is nothing wrong with that.

Yes, it is the responsibility of both to nurture that part of their marriage. In a perfect world, with perfect people, this would happen 100% of the time. Life happens, people and circumstances change. What really defines a marriage is how you respond to the challenges along the way. Are you supportive of each other and do you encourage the best in each other during the challenging times? It is what is at this time. If they work it out together in a way that does not demean either person, they can come out of this both healthier and in a stronger relationship.

 

[MD_Lady]

Im sure this woman did not intentially want to gain 80lbs. Yes, 80lbs is a large amount of wt. 10lbs here there can easily add to 80lbs. There are lots of things that would factor why she gained this weight.

Its all in the delivery of the husband, if he his making negative comments and being and @$$ in his delivery of communicating "his" unhappiness. This is not going to help his wife, only going to make things worse.

If he truly was commited to his wife and health of his marrage he would find out deep down why his wife has seem to let herself go. Its obvious there are underlying issues that need to be addressed. Instead of making a big deal about it to "others" he needs to be talking to his wife!

I agree with this post 100%, especially the bolded, but the communication needs to come from both parties. Not only does the husband need to ask if/how he can help, she has to tell him what she needs him to do. A lot of women would (understandably) clam up or get defensive (even if their husband's approach was tactful and respectful) if their DH raised this issue, but being willing to talk about the problem is the FIRST step in solving it.

 

[chrstndiva]

I respect your opinion, but IMO, a "risk" of taking the vows shouldn't be that they may later be used as justification for your spouse disregarding your feelings.

Then you need to choose your mate carefully.

 

[Zaynab]

I'm sorry but 80lbs? That's way more than being understanding and supportive. I think it's unfair to her husband. It's a violation of the marriage if you ask me to change that much and that drastically. Weight and appearance is such a touchy issue but if you are married to the person that is susposed to be closer to you than anyone one else, who else would you feel comfortable telling you? I don't get it. People say they want love, intimacy and friendship when they get it but that encompasses everything in a marriage, even the things that we don't want to hear.

I'm 5'2 and at one time after my 2nd son I got up to 145, I felt ugly and fat. I'd never been big and to some I looked "OK, oh you don't need to lose weight" but I didn't like the extra 20lbs. I would complain and ask dh what he thought, well one day he told me I was too pretty to be that size and I REALLY appreciated it. I was used to being my cute 125lb self so I got on it and got serious and back down to size. People think that was mean of him but I don't think so. I asked my best friend and he told me.

 

[MD_Lady]

I'm sorry but 80lbs? That's way more than being understanding and supportive. I think it's unfair to her husband. It's a violation of the marriage if you ask me to change that much and that drastically. Weight and appearance is such a touchy issue but if you are married to the person that is susposed to be closer to you than anyone one else, who else would you feel comfortable telling you? I don't get it. People say they want love, intimacy and friendship when they get it but that encompasses everything in a marriage, even the things that we don't want to hear.

I'm 5'2 and at one time after my 2nd son I got up to 145, I felt ugly and fat. I'd never been big and to some I looked "OK, oh you don't need to lose weight" but I didn't like the extra 20lbs. I would complain and ask dh what he thought, well one day he told me I was too pretty to be that size and I REALLY appreciated it. I was used to being my cute 125lb self so I got on it and got serious and back down to size. People think that was mean of him but I don't think so. I asked my best friend and he told me.

I remember you saying that in another thread. I also think you're dead on in the blue. Sometimes, stepping outside of yourself and seeing things from another persepctive is just what the other person needs (I know this because DH is trying to lose weight). IMO, one of my primary responsibilities is communicating with DH in a way that no one else can to get across a point that no one else could. Again, IMO, I'm not doing him any favors by steering him left if I know he needs (and wants) to go right.

 

[Lady Esquire]

I'm sorry but 80lbs? That's way more than being understanding and supportive. I think it's unfair to her husband. It's a violation of the marriage if you ask me to change that much and that drastically. Weight and appearance is such a touchy issue but if you are married to the person that is susposed to be closer to you than anyone one else, who else would you feel comfortable telling you? I don't get it. People say they want love, intimacy and friendship when they get it but that encompasses everything in a marriage, even the things that we don't want to hear.

I'm 5'2 and at one time after my 2nd son I got up to 145, I felt ugly and fat. I'd never been big and to some I looked "OK, oh you don't need to lose weight" but I didn't like the extra 20lbs. I would complain and ask dh what he thought, well one day he told me I was too pretty to be that size and I REALLY appreciated it. I was used to being my cute 125lb self so I got on it and got serious and back down to size. People think that was mean of him but I don't think so. I asked my best friend and he told me.

The best post yet. Thank you!

The vows doesn't mean that your spouse has to walk on eggshells to be honest, or that s/he loves you any less. Being that honest is an act of love.

 

[Zaynab]

I remember you saying that in another thread. I also think you're dead on in the blue. Sometimes, stepping outside of yourself and seeing things from another persepctive is just what the other person needs (I know this because DH is trying to lose weight). IMO, one of my primary responsibilities is communicating with DH in a way that no one else can to get across a point that no one else could. Again, IMO, I'm not doing him any favors by steering him left if I know he needs (and wants) to go right.

Right and if you're married, NO ONE else should. that's what folks don't get. Yeah get offended if the chick at work you dont know well tells you to lose weight but your spouse? Oh heck yeah,they should be able to say anything to you.I find that communication is the primary thing lackingin relationships,whether it's sex, weight, appearance,etc.

 

[ebaby]

A large amount of weight gain can definitely change the dynamics of a marriage. I have gained 65lbs in the 8 years with my dh and the weight gain created a negative change within me which strains us. I have a lot of health problems and he is really concerned about my health. He tries to help me but I snap his head off and go crazy on him but lately I have been getting sicker and he keeps telling me I need to listen and follow my drs orders. he would even workout with me sometimes but I started making up reasons why I could not continue. This whole situation is very stressful and I know for a fact I am NOT the same woman he fell in love with.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

ebaby, first I pray that you recover from whatever ailments you are suffering. Also, why do you think you are not following your drs advice? If you are getting sicker, please sick other opinions. It seems as if DH really does have your best interest at heart....are you saying you are not the woman he fell in love with due to the weight or is it your illness?

 

[ebaby]

both because my weight worsens my diabetes and pcos. It's like I know what will happen but I can't stop and this is what he tries to tell me that I do not care about my health.

 

[MyAngelEyez~C~U]

I think your friend should be glad he's at least letting her know how he feels (some men don't say anything...they just leave or cheat). I think your friend needs to pay attention to what he's saying and take the necessary steps to correct the issue. Men are visual creatures. If what they are visualizing is unappealing, they tend to begin looking at someone who IS visually appealing.

 

[YankeeCandle]

The way I see it, what I am marrying is the unique spark that makes my loved one "him." I am essentially marrying his mind. The earthly shell he comes wrapped in can change, but the source of my love and affection remains unchanged (Alzheimer's, strokes, and mental illness are concerns for another thread, but I don't consider those to have changed someone's essence).

Maybe this is because, based solely on his personality and behavior, I grew to love and be attracted to a person who was initially not physically attractive to me. So, I might have a different perspective than those who were initially madly physically attracted to their partner.

All human beings are "visual creatures"--not just the ones with the outie genitalia.

But, all human beings are also mental, emotional, and to some extent spiritual beings. Some people prioritize the visual and that's their perogative; I and my SO have prioritized the latter and that's ours.

I think this is a good discussion to have BEFORE you make vows to each other: how important are physical appearances to you in the long-term? Better to find out sooner rather than later and avoid the problem to begin with.

I wish all the best for the OP's friend and her husband.