What things should you NOT do before marriage?

ElegantPearl17

ElegantPearl17

Well-Known Member
I am so confused right :perplexed now because I have read several threads over the past few weeks that give advice on how not to let a man use you before he makes a committment or proposes marriage. I seen comments about how you should not cook for a man, wash his clothes, clean for a man, pay any of his bills, let him live with you, color on the regular, etc.

So my question is what CAN you do and how OFTEN should you do it so that he knows the qualites you possess without feeling used. I'm not sure what is acceptable considering some men have the mentality that they want the woman to display certain attributes BEFORE they make a committment.

TIA
 
I would just make sure that anything I do in a relationship, whether it be cooking, cleaning, coloring, whatever, is something I do for the pleasure it brings to me and not just for purposes of getting a man. I think the hard feelings come in when women do things that they really don't want to do just to get the man. Then when things fall apart, they end up feeling used.
 
I agree with Caltron's post above. Do what you feel natural doing and not just to snag him. I love to cook so I enjoy cooking for a man so I don't mind doing that. Of course I'm good at cleaning and keep a clean house but that's not one of the things I "enjoy" doing so I'm not going to scrub his tub if I don't have to. But if I was married to him I would do it. Get it? He knows I can clean because he sees my clean house so there's nothing to prove by cleaning his.

Either way, it should be a trade off. If you cook for him in a relationship then he should be taking you out to eat just as much also. That's the way I look at it.

The twist to it all is that men marry women all the time who don't even cook or clean. It's one of those things I'll never understand.:perplexed
 
I wouldn't buy large-ticket items (except trips) or borrow/lend large sums of money with a boyfriend unless we were engaged. All the other things, no problem.
 
TrueToHair said:
I love to cook, so that's something I do for everyone because I love it. An SO would be reaping the benefits of that because it's something I like to do & I'm good at it. My female relatives (all older) taught me to never do those other things listed. They are all in long-term (first) marriages (10+ years or longer).

Their advice is basically, "Be yourself, and be a lady." Don't play hard to get if that is not being yourself, BUT men do need a little challenge and mystery. Don't give him all the benefits of commitment when he hasn't even done his part.
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And why would we even spend time with anyone like that in the first place?
 
Do whatever you feel comfortable doing, but be careful about making it a routine to the point where he expects you to cook, clean, and always be available.
 
I like the saying, "Don't do anything to get him, that you're not willing to do to keep him," or something like that. I also believe that some things are privileges of marriage including ... cleaning, cooking (he is a grown arse man after all), coloring, and living together. I don't believe in giving men money either. Once married, my money becomes ours, just like his does... then it's different.
 
TrueToHair said:
I didn't mean offense. I just meant that sometimes when emotions are involved, it's hard to know if the person is using you. I hate the idea of women being taken advantage of.
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I agree. And I would hope that women know whether or not they are dealing with that type of man before sleeping with him, let alone cooking a meal and whatever else.
 
caltron said:
I would just make sure that anything I do in a relationship, whether it be cooking, cleaning, coloring, whatever, is something I do for the pleasure it brings to me and not just for purposes of getting a man. I think the hard feelings come in when women do things that they really don't want to do just to get the man. Then when things fall apart, they end up feeling used.
Click to expand...

I agree with the bold. If a woman likes to cook and cooks for him and it didn't work out, I doubt this woman would be all, "And I cooked for that SOB!" But on the other hand, if a woman who normally doesn't cook for others decides to go all out with a meal and things fell apart, then yeah. If the latter is more common then I suppose I understand the "anti-cooking for the BF" sentiment around here.
 
TrueToHair said:
Perfectly stated. Thanks for putting it better than I could. Sometimes it comes out in a way that I don't mean (tone is hard to convey on the net).

And you are right - I have cooked 5 course meals for fools. :lol: I won't do that again.
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:lol: But look at it this way, cooking is something you enjoy, yes? No one should be able to take that from you. No one is worth killing your joys. And everybody's got to eat, right? So you cooked an elegant meal for a guy who ended up being a jerk. You probably did other things, like pay extra attention to your hair, face, clothes, perfume, etc. And after the fools were gone, you didn't just decide to become a troll, right? No, you didn't. You probably even stepped your game up in that department. I don't see why we need to hold back things we like and enjoy in fear of whether or not someone is going to end up being one way or another. If it's who you are, it's who you are. If it's not who you are and you are putting on a facade, then that's just the risk some are willing to take.
 
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Conterria said:
Do whatever you feel comfortable doing, but be careful about making it a routine to the point where he expects you to cook, clean, and always be available.
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I kinda feel like this too. Do whatever you are comfortable with doing but do it within reason and give him tastes of it. Therefore he is getting a sample of how you are without you feeling you are selling your soul if it doesn't work out.
 
It kills me when men ask me to cook lol. I ask them to cook for me and they turn up their noses, but I'm supposed to get in the kitchen and bang out a meal? Na playboy you got the game ****ed up!
 
NOEChic said:
It kills me when men ask me to cook lol. I ask them to cook for me and they turn up their noses, but I'm supposed to get in the kitchen and bang out a meal? Na playboy you got the game ****ed up!
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:lol: Now it was the exact opposite of me and him when we first been dating. We tried (and still try) to outdo one another in the kitchen. And yeah, there is definitely something sexy about a man in the kitchen. Even if he can't cook as good as you :lol:
 
I'm so glad this thread is posted because I've ben thinking the same thing lately. Apparently I'm supposed to show how I'll make a good wife without doing "wife-duties"?? If more people can explain further, I'd forever be grateful.
 
have sex
spend the night at his house
cook him a meal
buy him a gift
hint that you like him
ask him about his family/friends
sleep with men OTHER than your potential husband even if you haven't met him yet
help or physically support him in any way
mention you want to be married, some day, in the future
show that you would make a good wife
pressure him to be your boyfriend
be anything less than picture perfect twenty four seven
ask him about his plans for the future
take a dump within a 20 block radius of him
even imply that you are in any way flawed
demonstrate, in any way, your independence to him
discuss subjects on which you have conflicting opinions
have children
have made any sort of mistake in the past, particularly any that left a paper/e-trail

hmmmm... lemme know if i missed any
 
Until I'm wifey these are the things I refuse to do for a man:

--cook for him (I've just gotten into cooking for myself)
--do any type of cleaning for him (includes laundry, I hate housework)
--bear his children
--give him large amounts of my money or in any way make his financial problems my financial problems
--color with him (I go back and forth on this)
--move in with him or otherwise combine our assets

I'll add more if I think of any...
 
Austro-Afrikana said:
IMO the only thing you shouldn't do before marriage is have children.
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This is the biggest thing to me, too. All that other stuff, eh, maybe, maybe not. I won't be cleaning his apt, I tell you that. An occasional meal (though it's usually breakfast :yawn:) doesn't bother me too much. But having kids is something that is just too big, and not undo-able, to do without him making the biggest, most publicly declared, legally binding, family-legitimized commitment to me that he possibly can.
 
Some of you girls sound like you're setting yourself up for bleepin disaster. If any of my male cousins or friends were dating someone for a while and had a blockbuster night at her place and asked her to cook and she said no, she'd get the hardest side eye, and probably get left shortly thereafter.

Cooking for someone, and tending to someone does not equal being used.

If you're only cooking and doing these other things you mentioned in order to "buy" a wedding ring from a dude then of course you're going to feel used when he dumps your manipulative arse.

If you're in a relationship, and you like to cook, how are you not going to want to cook for the man you are liking/loving?

I think what needs to be assesed is if you're in an actual relationship. How long have you been together, what kind of monogomy/commitment have you discussed, is he available to you, is he shady, have you met his friends/family... etc

The ladies who seem to get "used" are the ones putting out all this effort for men they think they're in relationships with... who are not in relationships with them.

Anyway, I'd say the no-nos before marriage are: having children, combining money, joint bank accounts, also large scale loans and co-signing on large scale purchases. Some women fall in love within a month, and in month 2 of a relationship are cosigning on motorcycles and what not. (PS - if he needs a cosigner for a motorcycle...maybe rethink the dude....)

But yeah, cooking, cleaning, living together, sex, being "available", meeting family/friends, i think these are all things that happen in a normal long term relationship.

I'm sure everyone here would be up in arms about a man who only took you on free walking dates to the park during your 2 year courtship because he didn't want to be "used" by buying you dinner, a movie, wasting gas money picking you up, etc...etc.

.02
 
Whimsy said:
Some of you girls sound like you're setting yourself up for bleepin disaster. If any of my male cousins or friends were dating someone for a while and had a blockbuster night at her place and asked her to cook and she said no, she'd get the hardest side eye, and probably get left shortly thereafter.

Cooking for someone, and tending to someone does not equal being used.

If you're only cooking and doing these other things you mentioned in order to "buy" a wedding ring from a dude then of course you're going to feel used when he dumps your manipulative arse.

If you're in a relationship, and you like to cook, how are you not going to want to cook for the man you are liking/loving?

I think what needs to be assesed is if you're in an actual relationship. How long have you been together, what kind of monogomy/commitment have you discussed, is he available to you, is he shady, have you met his friends/family... etc

The ladies who seem to get "used" are the ones putting out all this effort for men they think they're in relationships with... who are not in relationships with them.

Anyway, I'd say the no-nos before marriage are: having children, combining money, joint bank accounts, also large scale loans and co-signing on large scale purchases. Some women fall in love within a month, and in month 2 of a relationship are cosigning on motorcycles and what not. (PS - if he needs a cosigner for a motorcycle...maybe rethink the dude....)

But yeah, cooking, cleaning, living together, sex, being "available", meeting family/friends, i think these are all things that happen in a normal long term relationship.

I'm sure everyone here would be up in arms about a man who only took you on free walking dates to the park during your 2 year courtship because he didn't want to be "used" by buying you dinner, a movie, wasting gas money picking you up, etc...etc.

.02
Click to expand...

Everything:yep: except living together pre-nupitals personally:look:....

Great post. :yep:
 
Hopefully this post was not a serious one :look: I think some of these things are guaranteed to happen if you are in a relationship and like someone.




mischka said:
have sex
spend the night at his house
cook him a meal
buy him a gift
hint that you like him
ask him about his family/friends
sleep with men OTHER than your potential husband even if you haven't met him yet
help or physically support him in any way
mention you want to be married, some day, in the future
show that you would make a good wife
pressure him to be your boyfriend
be anything less than picture perfect twenty four seven
ask him about his plans for the future
take a dump within a 20 block radius of him
even imply that you are in any way flawed
demonstrate, in any way, your independence to him
discuss subjects on which you have conflicting opinions
have children
have made any sort of mistake in the past, particularly any that left a paper/e-trail

hmmmm... lemme know if i missed any
Click to expand...
 
Dating No No's:
1. sex
2. children (see #1)
3. Chores in His home (cleaning, laundry etc).
4. Lending ANY money
5. Spending the night
6. Family functions

BoyFriend No No's:
1. sex
2. Children
3. Chores at his home alone (I may HELP him clean sometimes)
4. Lending large amounts of money (including co-signing)
5. Spending the night

Reserved for Husband:
1.sex
2. children
3. Chores at YOUR Combined home
4. Sharing money
5. Sharing a home

Cooking has come up. Unless it is something that I enjoy doing for any and everybody I would only do it occassionally for my boyfriend, and regularly for my husband.

There has to be a difference between the three statuses. If not, then whats the incentive for a man to move on to the next? (it is human nature to be selfish and most of us would definately accept something without working for it if it is not required of you)

When negotiating anything it is unwise to lay all your assets out up front. Then you have no more negotiating power because you've given them everything they want without getting anything in return.
 
I wonder if men have similar thoughts. Like, do they talk about what types of things they absolutely will not do for a girlfriend? Can you imagine?

Guy1: So she called me the other night wanting me to meet her on 55th street to help her fix a flat.
Guy2: Aww, hell naw! Please tell me you didn't do it, man.
Guy1: What kind of b!itchazz you take me for? My mama didn't raise no fool! I told her to call AAA and see what's up.
Guy2: See, that's what I'm talking 'bout. If you'd have gone, no telling where you'd be today.
Guy1: Probably over at her place sanding her wood floors.
Guy2: Dude, STFU! Ain't no way I'd sand a woman's floors unless I popped the question and she said yes. My lady has plumbing problems and she's been dropping hints at me ever since I told her I fixed my sister's pipes.
Guy1: Don't do it, man. Wait-- has she even cooked for you yet?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: Definitely don't do it.
 
MissMasala5 said:
I wonder if men have similar thoughts. Like, do they talk about what types of things they absolutely will not do for a girlfriend? Can you imagine?

Guy1: So she called me the other night wanting me to meet her on 55th street to help her fix a flat.
Guy2: Aww, hell naw! Please tell me you didn't do it, man.
Guy1: What kind of b!itchazz you take me for? My mama didn't raise no fool! I told her to call AAA and see what's up.
Guy2: See, that's what I'm talking 'bout. If you'd have gone, no telling where you'd be today.
Guy1: Probably over at her place sanding her wood floors.
Guy2: Dude, STFU! Ain't no way I'd sand a woman's floors unless I popped the question and she said yes. My lady has plumbing problems and she's been dropping hints at me ever since I told her I fixed my sister's pipes.
Guy1: Don't do it, man. Wait-- has she even cooked for you yet?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: Definitely don't do it.
Click to expand...


:lachen::lachen: They probably do have conversations like this. Trifflin' ninjas!
 
MissMasala5 said:
I wonder if men have similar thoughts. Like, do they talk about what types of things they absolutely will not do for a girlfriend? Can you imagine?

Guy1: So she called me the other night wanting me to meet her on 55th street to help her fix a flat.
Guy2: Aww, hell naw! Please tell me you didn't do it, man.
Guy1: What kind of b!itchazz you take me for? My mama didn't raise no fool! I told her to call AAA and see what's up.
Guy2: See, that's what I'm talking 'bout. If you'd have gone, no telling where you'd be today.
Guy1: Probably over at her place sanding her wood floors.
Guy2: Dude, STFU! Ain't no way I'd sand a woman's floors unless I popped the question and she said yes. My lady has plumbing problems and she's been dropping hints at me ever since I told her I fixed my sister's pipes.
Guy1: Don't do it, man. Wait-- has she even cooked for you yet?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: Definitely don't do it.
Click to expand...

DEAD @ "call AAA"

omg
 
MissMasala5 said:
I wonder if men have similar thoughts. Like, do they talk about what types of things they absolutely will not do for a girlfriend? Can you imagine?

Guy1: So she called me the other night wanting me to meet her on 55th street to help her fix a flat.
Guy2: Aww, hell naw! Please tell me you didn't do it, man.
Guy1: What kind of b!itchazz you take me for? My mama didn't raise no fool! I told her to call AAA and see what's up.
Guy2: See, that's what I'm talking 'bout. If you'd have gone, no telling where you'd be today.
Guy1: Probably over at her place sanding her wood floors.
Guy2: Dude, STFU! Ain't no way I'd sand a woman's floors unless I popped the question and she said yes. My lady has plumbing problems and she's been dropping hints at me ever since I told her I fixed my sister's pipes.
Guy1: Don't do it, man. Wait-- has she even cooked for you yet?
Guy2: No.
Guy1: Definitely don't do it.
Click to expand...

They might talk like that with their "boys", but they might sing another tune when they're with their girlfriend :lol:
 
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