What is his body language saying?

[Blessed626]

So, I have feelings for one of my very close guy friends…we’re basically best friends. He knows this because I told him in Dec. 08 (After developing feelings for him, I waited a few months and then told him because I see no point in living with what ifs). At that time, he basically told me he didn’t feel the same way. Needless to say I was heartbroken, but we both decided that that was no reason to end our friendship.

Over this year, our friendship has grown. At the same time, I have been trying to get over him (which has been somewhat successful., but not as successful as I would like). I don’t think about him nearly as much as I used to, but I won't lie and say that the feelings are gone, cuz they're not.

Over that same time, he has been getting extra comfortable with me [i.e. hanging out for hours, cuddling with each other, and sometimes sleeping with each other (no sex tho, we’re both virgins)]. I know this behavior is not conducive with me getting over him, but it’s always initiated by him and not easy for me to resist.

Lately, his behavior has changed. Whereas before we would spend a couple of hours with each other doing random things like studying or eating together maybe 2-3 times a week, now he shows up at my place everyday! When I have to work at night and I go home, he’s already there when I arrive (he’s also good friends with my roommate). I find nothing wrong with that because we’re friends and I enjoy his company.

What’s interesting to me is that he doesn’t want to cuddle or lay with me anymore. I have no problem with that because I’m trying to get over him and temptation is the last thing I need. However, I’m curious as to why.

For example, last night when we were on the futon together he fell asleep laying on me, and when I woke him up he politely asked me if I could get up so he could lay down. Usually we would just lay together. He ended up laying on the futon, and I in my bed (in another room). And even more interesting, is the fact that when we go out in public he’s less inhibited. For example, last night at a concert he seemed comfortable with putting his arms behind me on the chair despite the fact that he was sitting next to his best guy friend (before he wouldn’t have done that) and in a room full of our college peers.

So, while I have no problems with his behaviors, I wonder what this could suggest. What do you ladies think?

 

[Filmatic]

Dude sounds very wishy washy. He tells you he doesn't want you but he sleeps with you and hugs on you. Then he stops. But then he puts his arms around you like you're his girl, but yet and still doesn't want you to lay around him though he can fall asleep on you.

If this is your friend, just ask him wth is up. There's no need to play with emotions. Tell him if he doesn't like you, you need space. Set your limits of what he can do.

 

[Renewed1]

He wants to keep you close while he "explore" other options. My advice would be to stay in the category he put you in....A FRIEND. I would recommend that you treat him like you would your girlfriends.

The reason why he shows public displays of emotions, is to keep any guy away from you; or AKA blocking. Which means that a guy could like you but won't approach because of your friend.

Talk to him, if he still sees you as a friend....get over him, give yourself some space and find a man who will let you know upfront that he's into you.

 

[Blessed626]

He wants to keep you close while he "explore" other options. My advice would be to stay in the category he put you in....A FRIEND. I would recommend that you treat him like you would your girlfriends.

The reason why he shows public displays of emotions, is to keep any guy away from you; or AKA blocking. Which means that a guy could like you but won't approach because of your friend.

Talk to him, if he still sees you as a friend....get over him, give yourself some space and find a man who will let you know upfront that he's into you.

I've thought about it that way, but then I dismissed it. It's hard to see straight sometimes when feelings are involved. I appreciate your reminder! And I've also been thinking about how I know I deserve someone who is going to give me 100% of their commitment...it's just hard when you're caught up and you see no better options at the moment

If this is your friend, just ask him wth is up. There's no need to play with emotions. Tell him if he doesn't like you, you need space. Set your limits of what he can do.

Yea, it's been on my mind to have a discussion with him about everything. It's just always so hard to address the pink elephant. I think that I've become insecure when it comes to expressing my feelings (esp. to him) since this is the second time I've been rejected by a friend. I guess I've just been waiting for the perfect time, while also enjoying the things we do together. I know I need to woman up! I just don't know when or how erplexed

 

[Renewed1]

I know I need to woman up! I just don't know when or how erplexed

Based on my experience sooner is better than later. The longer you wait, he may find someone and then your feelings will be hurt and your friendship may end. Take a day or two and check your heart and use your head; using your head will help you on what to say to him and how to deal with him.

I understand its hard to keep things in perspective(?) when the heart is involved. But do you really want to hurt YOUR heart?

Please reference the quote in my siggy.

 

[Blessed626]

Based on my experience sooner is better than later. The longer you wait, he may find someone and then your feelings will be hurt and your friendship may end. Take a day or two and check your heart and use your head; using your head will help you on what to say to him and how to deal with him.

I understand its hard to keep things in perspective(?) when the heart is involved. But do you really want to hurt YOUR heart?

Please reference the quote in my siggy.

You're so very right...I don't want to hurt my own heart . And your quote definitely spoke to me. I will be saving that. Thanks!

 

[Theo]

Don't let him do it to you!

I feel strongly about this because I was just in a similar position last year. Guys (younger guys especially), love to put good girls in the friend box until they figure out which direction they want to take with him. They mess with your mind and do just enough to keep you wondering.... That "best friend" thing...

I've seen many people (males and females) get burned.

Live your life, date other people, go on out without him. I would even encourage you to give your friendship a break. Make some new friends or reconnect with some old ones. Don't give him access to your time and body, and emotions the way you would a bf. He hasn't earned it.

I had this situation with a guy I got really close to last year. We had the little ambiguous thing going on, then I finally got fed up and asked him what was up. He told me he wanted to remain friends, and I said okay. I let myself be upset with it for about it a week, then the New Year came and I decided to leave that **** behind me.

I cut things off with him. No more of that "close" friend stuff, no nights hanging out alone watching movies nothing. It was harsh, but I needed to do it for myself. He came around with some slick comments/looks a couple of times, but I ignored and kept it movin'. You snooze you loose, mister. He had his chance and he effed it up.

I'm in a new relationship and happy. I just regret the time I wasted with him, because now I know that there were several other guys checkin and he was just blockin. A waste of 4.5 months of my life. And he wasn't even cute!

 

[Blessed626]

Don't let him do it to you!

I feel strongly about this because I was just in a similar position last year. Guys (younger guys especially), love to put good girls in the friend box until they figure out which direction they want to take with him. They mess with your mind and do just enough to keep you wondering.... That "best friend" thing...

I've seen many people (males and females) get burned.

Live your life, date other people, go on out without him. I would even encourage you to give your friendship a break. Make some new friends or reconnect with some old ones. Don't give him access to your time and body, and emotions the way you would a bf. He hasn't earned it.

I had this situation with a guy I got really close to last year. We had the little ambiguous thing going on, then I finally got fed up and asked him what was up. He told me he wanted to remain friends, and I said okay. I let myself be upset with it for about it a week, then the New Year came and I decided to leave that **** behind me.

I cut things off with him. No more of that "close" friend stuff, no nights hanging out alone watching movies nothing. It was harsh, but I needed to do it for myself. He came around with some slick comments/looks a couple of times, but I ignored and kept it movin'. You snooze you loose, mister. He had his chance and he effed it up.

I'm in a new relationship and happy. I just regret the time I wasted with him, because now I know that there were several other guys checkin and he was just blockin. A waste of 4.5 months of my life. And he wasn't even cute!

I can't say how much I appreciate your post! You have me thinking a little deeper about the situation, and it makes so much sense. You're right that he hasn't earned anything from me (other than friendship) and I definitely shouldn't be giving him more. I'm so glad that you can relate (esp. since most of my friends get tired of me/us...and they haven't been in my shoes). Thanks!

 

[gabulldawg]

Wow. Your "friend" is using you. Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.

 

[Amcd]

Lots of good advice given here. Remember while you are in this fake relationship with him you are not totally open to someone else. Let him go and find the one for you because he is not it.

 

[silverlotus]

Sounds like he is into you but has some sort of fear/insecurity holding him back so he's unsure of himself. If ya'll are best friends, I doubt he's doing this stuff purposely to manipulate you. Best course of action is to just talk to him about it & see what's up, then from there you can decide what you are comfortable with & how to proceed as far as your interactions. I would see what he has to say before making assumptions about his motivations. It's probably just as awkward for him as it is for you.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Based on my experience sooner is better than later. The longer you wait, he may find someone and then your feelings will be hurt and your friendship may end. Take a day or two and check your heart and use your head; using your head will help you on what to say to him and how to deal with him.

I understand its hard to keep things in perspective(?) when the heart is involved. But do you really want to hurt YOUR heart?

Please reference the quote in my siggy.

Good response...but can I suggest that you make the quote in your siggy a little larger I would have missed it if you didnt refer to it and I think its an excellent point.

 

[Blessed626]

So tonight I brought the situation to his attention. It went a little something like this (this was via chat):

Me: yo, i have a question of the serious sort

Him: wats up?

Me: so how do u view the dynamic of our friendship?

Him:good, how do u view it?

Me: kinda ambiguous/confusing

Him: & why is that?

Me: because i feel that some of our interactions are not interactions that i associate with friendship

Him: wat dat mean? or i guess, wat specifically?

Me: i mean i can't think of any specific instances, but sometimes i feel your behavior is flirtatious and i find it confusing

Him: oh, my bad...i guess im jus comfortable

Me: and that's fine...at one point i thought i was too but now i realize i'm not

Him: that's jus how i am when im really comfortable with some1. lol, ok...no prob

Me: o...k...u made that easier than i thought that was gonna be

Him: lol...now u kno im an easy person to deal with

Me: sure lol

Him: i might "play dramatic" but its just a show

Me: ok

And that was the end of the convo! It was the most superficial thing ever and I did not know whether to really let loose, or just leave it at that!

Uh! This is annoying and frustrating! I thought that the convo would go further and I would tell him that I still have feelings and I want to distance myself from him...but it didn't even go there. I don't know whether he's oblivious/naive, or playing dumb...I just don't know

 

[song_of_serenity]

Me: i mean i can't think of any specific instances, but sometimes i feel your behavior is flirtatious and i find it confusing

Him: oh, my bad...i guess im jus comfortable

Well. There you go. You brought it up, and he addressed it by saying "Oops, sorry. I just get like that when I'm comfortable with someone."

I don't think you should read more into what you've been told. Keep the friendship as strictly friends and you'll be fine. If he tries to initiate the cuddling thing, especially in public, nip it.

 

[Bunny77]

So tonight I brought the situation to his attention. It went a little something like this (this was via chat):

Me: yo, i have a question of the serious sort

Him: wats up?

Me: so how do u view the dynamic of our friendship?

Him:good, how do u view it?

Me: kinda ambiguous/confusing

Him: & why is that?

Me: because i feel that some of our interactions are not interactions that i associate with friendship

Him: wat dat mean? or i guess, wat specifically?

Me: i mean i can't think of any specific instances, but sometimes i feel your behavior is flirtatious and i find it confusing

Him: oh, my bad...i guess im jus comfortable

Me: and that's fine...at one point i thought i was too but now i realize i'm not

Him: that's jus how i am when im really comfortable with some1. lol, ok...no prob

Me: o...k...u made that easier than i thought that was gonna be

Him: lol...now u kno im an easy person to deal with

Me: sure lol

Him: i might "play dramatic" but its just a show

Me: ok

And that was the end of the convo! It was the most superficial thing ever and I did not know whether to really let loose, or just leave it at that!

Uh! This is annoying and frustrating! I thought that the convo would go further and I would tell him that I still have feelings and I want to distance myself from him...but it didn't even go there. I don't know whether he's oblivious/naive, or playing dumb...I just don't know

You know, you're doing too much talking.

You told him how you felt a while ago, he said he didn't feel the same way, but then he decides to take advantage of your "comfort level" by acting like a boyfriend in some ways while not offering you a boyfriend-level relationship.

I'm not one to tell a man how I feel anyway, because I figured if he was interested, he would have let me know a long time ago. However, since you did and since you know the deal, you need to stop talking and stop acting by distancing yourself from this guy.

Men respond to actions, not words. As long as y'all keep acting like psuedo-boyfriend/girlfriend, this is just going to continue.

He knows what he's doing and you're letting him do it. Woman up and stop letting him take advantage of your feelings, energy and attention.

 

[Blessed626]

You know, you're doing too much talking.

You told him how you felt a while ago, he said he didn't feel the same way, but then he decides to take advantage of your "comfort level" by acting like a boyfriend in some ways while not offering you a boyfriend-level relationship.

I'm not one to tell a man how I feel anyway, because I figured if he was interested, he would have let me know a long time ago. However, since you did and since you know the deal, you need to stop talking and stop acting by distancing yourself from this guy.

Men respond to actions, not words. As long as y'all keep acting like psuedo-boyfriend/girlfriend, this is just going to continue.

He knows what he's doing and you're letting him do it. Woman up and stop letting him take advantage of your feelings, energy and attention.

Yea, I don't regret that I told him how I feel (because I learned so much from it)...but I don't EVER plan on doing it again . I've learned my lesson...and this entire situation is teaching me a lot...but you're right. I do plan on keeping myself in check...I don't plan on being his pawn anymore.

 

[Bunny77]

Yea, I don't regret that I told him how I feel (because I learned so much from it)...but I don't EVER plan on doing it again . I've learned my lesson...and this entire situation is teaching me a lot...but you're right. I do plan on keeping myself in check...I don't plan on being his pawn anymore.

Oh, and just for full disclosure, I used to tell dudes how I felt ALL THE TIME. All my female friends told me I should do it because "he might not know," or he "might be shy," or "might need a green light."

Puhleeze. I did it, and every. freakin. time. the dude said he only saw me as a friend. Some would still flirt and try to be a little more than just polite and friendly, some wouldn't, but a lot of them very quickly would get with some other girl soon after I said how I felt.

So no, they weren't shy, didn't need a green light, etc. They just weren't that into me.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

He wants to keep you close while he "explore" other options. My advice would be to stay in the category he put you in....A FRIEND. I would recommend that you treat him like you would your girlfriends.

The reason why he shows public displays of emotions, is to keep any guy away from you; or AKA blocking. Which means that a guy could like you but won't approach because of your friend.

Talk to him, if he still sees you as a friend....get over him, give yourself some space and find a man who will let you know upfront that he's into you.

UGhg!!! See, this just burns me up!! I just had to set the deal straight on a guy friend I was feeling for years and call him out on his behavior because he was basically doing the same exact thing!!

All this time I was "too nice" and mistakenly thought that his actions or attention here and there meant that he was starting to like me too. Now I see that he was basically just keeping me "at bay" until any new cute little thing in a skirt came around his way. Since he was a "friend", I didn't want to believe that he could have been playing me. Now I know that some guys do this...they may not do it maliciously, but they try to "block" other guys from getting to you while they basically "hold you hostage" while they "figure out" what they really want to keep you as...friend? Or..girlfriend?

Needless to say, when they find "the one", that's when they drop you like a sack of potatoes.

Don't let him do it to you!

I feel strongly about this because I was just in a similar position last year. Guys (younger guys especially), love to put good girls in the friend box until they figure out which direction they want to take with him. They mess with your mind and do just enough to keep you wondering.... That "best friend" thing...

I've seen many people (males and females) get burned.

Live your life, date other people, go on out without him. I would even encourage you to give your friendship a break. Make some new friends or reconnect with some old ones. Don't give him access to your time and body, and emotions the way you would a bf. He hasn't earned it.

I had this situation with a guy I got really close to last year. We had the little ambiguous thing going on, then I finally got fed up and asked him what was up. He told me he wanted to remain friends, and I said okay. I let myself be upset with it for about it a week, then the New Year came and I decided to leave that **** behind me.

I cut things off with him. No more of that "close" friend stuff, no nights hanging out alone watching movies nothing. It was harsh, but I needed to do it for myself. He came around with some slick comments/looks a couple of times, but I ignored and kept it movin'. You snooze you loose, mister. He had his chance and he effed it up.

I'm in a new relationship and happy. I just regret the time I wasted with him, because now I know that there were several other guys checkin and he was just blockin. A waste of 4.5 months of my life. And he wasn't even cute!

Yep...so true... sooo true. I can so relate to this post. After this whole experience, I have come to realize that if I have to interpret, analyze, or decipher a guy's "signs", then he's probably not interested in me. When a guy is REALLY interested, and is man enough to be upfront about his interest, he will LET you know. You won't have to over analyze his body language/signs. You won't even find yourself asking: "is he into me?" because you will just know. It will be effortless.

But...*sigh* I had to learn my lesson unfortunately. I was too young and naive to know that guys do this sort of thing.

Girl...cut this guy off, keep your distance for a little while, and get some new "friends". A true "friend" would NOT keep you in limbo like this. And if he really liked you as more than a friend, he would have definitely told you...ESPECIALLY if you've been initiating these heart to heart talks with him.

I had to confront my guy friend not too long ago, and he swore he didn't even know that I liked him....nor did he realize that his actions towards me at times were flirtatious and confusing nonetheless! I don't believe that...I don't believe that one iota. Not only would he "block" other guys, but he would have the nerve to get jealous if another guy was trying to flirt or get to know me!

So yeah you want to distance yourself from this so-called "friend" of yours for a little while. At least until YOUR feelings have subsided. IMO...guys who do this are very SELFISH. They know they don't want you at the moment, but yet they want to pretty much ensure that you stay "stuck" sweating them, while at the same time blocking any other guys who could be interested in you. Ugh.... what losers!

Don't make the mistake I made...don't waste anymore time on this guy than you have to.

Trust me...you've pretty much put it out there that you're interested...so, if he's interested then he will eventually make a move. Like others mentioned, men respond to ACTIONS...not words.

 

[MrsAriannaAmbers]

So tonight I brought the situation to his attention. It went a little something like this (this was via chat):

Me: yo, i have a question of the serious sort

Him: wats up?

Me: so how do u view the dynamic of our friendship?

Him:good, how do u view it?

Me: kinda ambiguous/confusing

Him: & why is that?

Me: because i feel that some of our interactions are not interactions that i associate with friendship

Him: wat dat mean? or i guess, wat specifically?

Me: i mean i can't think of any specific instances, but sometimes i feel your behavior is flirtatious and i find it confusing

Him: oh, my bad...i guess im jus comfortable

Me: and that's fine...at one point i thought i was too but now i realize i'm not

Him: that's jus how i am when im really comfortable with some1. lol, ok...no prob

Me: o...k...u made that easier than i thought that was gonna be

Him: lol...now u kno im an easy person to deal with

Me: sure lol

Him: i might "play dramatic" but its just a show

Me: ok

And that was the end of the convo! It was the most superficial thing ever and I did not know whether to really let loose, or just leave it at that!

Uh! This is annoying and frustrating! I thought that the convo would go further and I would tell him that I still have feelings and I want to distance myself from him...but it didn't even go there. I don't know whether he's oblivious/naive, or playing dumb...I just don't know

Uh, you already told him once you have feelings for him and with tonights second convo you let him know again that you have feelings by reading between your lines...If he truly liked you more than a friend via this chat tonite you gave him more than a window of opportunity...you gave him the window, doors, and patio...Look at his response he doesn't want more than just friendship. So you need to take the "more than just friends" hope outta ya'lls friendship and either your going to be a friend with boundaries or not friends at all

 

[LovinLocks]

So, while I have no problems with his behaviors, I wonder what this could suggest. What do you ladies think?

Hi Hon.,

I think YOU NEED to have a problem with his behaviors. And having said that I wouldn't blame him for them, for people only do what we allow.

If you TRULY have getting over him as your goal you are going to have to CEASE the behaviors post haste. This is only a game you play with yourself (do I, or do I not)?

Maybe think of him as someone else's guy (I dunno, just throwing some suggestion out there vs. telling you ya wrong, LOL). I overstand how difficult it could be to sever the overly familiar ties with someone ya wanna be overly familiar with. BUT, If you reallly want to get emotionally over him (and hopefully maintain the friendship); you're going to have to cease boyfriend/girlfriend behaviors and be for real, be grown and acknowledge what those behaviors lead to). Yaw'll keep it up you're going to wind up coloring . . . .

I'm telling you what I know. Listen to an older, used to be waaay less wiser woman, ya hair sistah girl!!!!!!

Now, YOU say what?????

LL

 

[Blessed626]

Hi Hon.,

I think YOU NEED to have a problem with his behaviors. And having said that I wouldn't blame him for them, for people only do what we allow.

If you TRULY have getting over him as your goal you are going to have to CEASE the behaviors post haste. This is only a game you play with yourself (do I, or do I not)?

Maybe think of him as someone else's guy (I dunno, just throwing some suggestion out there vs. telling you ya wrong, LOL). I overstand how difficult it could be to sever the overly familiar ties with someone ya wanna be overly familiar with. BUT, If you reallly want to get emotionally over him (and hopefully maintain the friendship); you're going to have to cease boyfriend/girlfriend behaviors and be for real, be grown and acknowledge what those behaviors lead to). Yaw'll keep it up you're going to wind up coloring . . . .

I'm telling you what I know. Listen to an older, used to be waaay less wiser woman, ya hair sistah girl!!!!!!

Now, YOU say what?????

LL

First off, I say I love you! Your personality comes through when you write...and I love it! lol

Secondly, my sentiments have changed since that original post. You ladies have opened my eyes and I now do have a problem with his behavior...I realize that my vision was fogged by my unrealistic hopes and expectations. I also now see that I was only playing a game with myself...envisioning things that are not there and pretending that he was chasing me when really that's what I wanted but it's not there.

I actually went to bed with a smile on my face last night and I felt liberated because I finally spoke up (granted the convo didn't go how I wanted it to, but it went how it was supposed to) and I already feel less connected to him. I'm already figuring out specific ways that I can distance myself from him (both physically and emotionally) and I plan on doing those things 100%

I feel so empowered right now! lol...and I hope the feeling lasts!

 

[mscocoface]

The feeling of empowerment will last if you want it to. We all have free will to do whatever. You should now established what your boundaries will be with ANYONE, friend, family or foe from now on.

If you are looking for a relationship with a man then be honest with yourself and that person from jump.

Blurry boundaries equal confused individuals.

Take care of yourself.

 

[missjanelleb]

I was in a situation like this for 2.5 years. The difference is: we were intimate. He said he just wanted to be friends, but his actions showed something totally different. I was the one he called to go to dinner and the movies, or just chill with. He ecen got upset when I started dating someone else. I called his bluff a year and a half into it and he admitted the he love me. We went another six months before he officially locked me down. Six months after that, we broke up. Hindsight...I should have never stood for that crap. If he says he doesn't like you, let it be that and do your own thing.

 

[VioletWylde]

...now he shows up at my place everyday! When I have to work at night and I go home, he’s already there when I arrive (he’s also good friends with my roommate).

Now that you've made a decision to distance yourself--nip that mess quick. If you want to be friends, be friends on neutral ground. Men can be real good about invading your space when you're trying to get away from them. That doesn't mean that he and your roomate can't be friends. He just can't use her to get into your space.

Establish a boundary with your roommate that he shouldn't be over there all of the time. Tell her that if SHE invites him in, he is HER guest, therefore she is responsible for entertaining him. He is not allowed to sit and wait for you. If you go in and his uninvited butt is sitting in your place--say a cool "Hi...Bye" go to your room and close the door. Lock it.

 

[Blessed626]

Now that you've made a decision to distance yourself--nip that mess quick. If you want to be friends, be friends on neutral ground. Men can be real good about invading your space when you're trying to get away from them. That doesn't mean that he and your roomate can't be friends. He just can't use her to get into your space.

Establish a boundary with your roommate that he shouldn't be over there all of the time. Tell her that if SHE invites him in, he is HER guest, therefore she is responsible for entertaining him. He is not allowed to sit and wait for you. If you go in and his uninvited butt is sitting in your place--say a cool "Hi...Bye" go to your room and close the door. Lock it.

You've made a very good point. A simple "Hi...Bye" and going into my room is something that I know I can do! Thanks!