Wearing a Man Down-what are your thoughts?

[Lynnerie]

I was chatting with a girlfriend of mine about her relationship issue with her child's father. He does not want to be with her but her Aunt suggested that she "wear him down" to get him.erplexed Her Aunt said thats how she got her husband. My friend was surprised that I had not heard of this concept. She told me you basically just never give up. You continue to be the good woman, always there, always supportive and eventually he will come around. This is not something she wants to do but the women in her family are all for it. :endworld:

To me it sounds rediculous but when I told my mother about it she said it was nothing new and had pointed out several women her age that I knew and how they wore their men down. I'm talking about scenarios where the couple didn't marry until their children were teenagers!

So ladies- I want your thoughts on this...What do you think about women who do this? Have you seen scenarios where it actually worked and the marriage is successful? Have you ever worn a man down?

 

[Supergirl]

I think if a man doesn't want you, you can't make him. And just because he says "I do" doesn't necessarily mean he wants you. He could do it out of being "worn down" and the woman just got on his blankety blank nerves and he was tired. But I can't see how this would make for a happy or successful marriage. Staying together should not always be mistaken for marital success. I think following the "wearing down" strategy is desperate.

 

[urbanchic]

Hmmm,mmmm.....I've seen it happen and afterwards the women are like 'I went through all of that to get this???' I would think it would bring on a lot of resentment.

 

[Renovating]

I've never done this and I just don't have the energy to wear anyone down. It sounds very draining.


The first thing that came to mind was Steve Urkel. "I'm wearing you doooooooown, baby." I felt so bad for him every time he would get rejected.

 

[phynestone]

While I've seen it happen, I personally don't recommend it. Lots of women stay in bad marraiges and relationships hoping their SO will come around and they never do. Why persuade a man to be with you? You're starting off with insecurity. Your friend needs to know there are PLENTY of men that would want her, without persuasion. She needs to drop that zero and get a hero.

 

[Bunny77]

Absolutely not.

I wish I would waste my time doing that... in the decade or more that it took to "wear him down," I could have found about five men eager to put a ring on it. If a man said he didn't want me, I ALWAYS left.

I think that women who do this either have low self-esteem or are caught up in some fantasy idea that the man they want is the only one they could ever love or will ever love them... which gets back to low self-esteem. Why would a woman in her right mind want to degrade herself like that?

Oh, I do know one woman for whom it "worked." She was a side-chick/jump-off for about 20 years (although she did marry another guy during this time) and then she and the original man divorced their spouses. They started dating, then he picked up ANOTHER side chick. About two years after that, he dropped that side chick and proposed to the woman who waited. Then they got married and have been married for almost 10 years.

Happy ending, right? Well, he just asked for a divorce a few months ago. He's seeing another woman.

 

[kmn1980]

There's no way I'd let a man lay up with me for years and years in hopes that he would view me as wife material.

I have a better plan. Be a good woman and instead of wasting your time with men who can't/won't see the value in you beyond what you sit on, explore more fruitful options in a mate. That's much simpler than trying make a man who doesn't love you change his mind.


What happened to dignity and self-respect?

 

[TayMac]

Is this he doesn't want to MARRY her or he doesn't want her period?

Either way..I'm not sticking around to wear anybody down. It really sounds ridiculous to be bending over backwards for someone HOPING that they will one day realize what a prize you are.

 

[ambergirl]

I've seen it "work" as in the woman gets the ring. I think it's a personality thing. Some women can go through that process and still have some self-esteem and think he's worth having at the end of it. I just don't have the patience for it and in the back of my mind I would always think this man really didn't want me and that would ruin the relationship for me.

 

[Transformer]

I've never done this and I just don't have the energy to wear anyone down. It sounds very draining.


The first thing that came to mind was Steve Urkel. "I'm wearing you doooooooown, baby." I felt so bad for him every time he would get rejected.

Agree! Agree!

 

[ElegantPearl17]

Chile please! I ain't got the time or the energy to be wearing a man down. If he don't want me..I got to KIM!!!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Isn't this what Urkel used to say to Laura? "I'm wearing you down baby, wearing you doooown" Well he finally got her!

It doesn't work like that in real life. That sounds like some advice my mother would give someone. She used to say that you have to 'train a man' to do right. All that training and well... No sir, not for me!

 

[Lynnerie]

Is this he doesn't want to MARRY her or he doesn't want her period?

Either way..I'm not sticking around to wear anybody down. It really sounds ridiculous to be bending over backwards for someone HOPING that they will one day realize what a prize you are.

He doesn't want to be in a relationship but he is trying to keep her hanging on a string. They are not even together but everytime she tries to move on he pops up and tries to get with her. He doesn't want any other men around their son. When they do try to work things out he's good for awhile then he starts acting up again and says he's still in love with the 1st baby mom (who is married to someone else) My friend tries her hardest to show him how great things could be if they would just be together. She's very successful, educated, has a beautiful home. The guy is older than her and still strugglin. His mother told my friend that she is too good for him cause she drives a benz and that her son is intimidated by that.

 

[Lynnerie]

Isn't this what Urkel used to say to Laura? "I'm wearing you down baby, wearing you doooown" Well he finally got her!

It doesn't work like that in real life. That sounds like some advice my mother would give someone. She used to say that you have to 'train a man' to do right. All that training and well... No sir, not for me!

LOL yes Urkel did get Laura but only when he changed his clothes took the glasses off and became the cool Stephan Ur'kel. lol

-I don't believe in training a man to do right. I dont have time to train a man and then he leaves and becomes a great guy to someone else.

 

[ladysaraii]

Yeah I think I did that when I was in college (not intentionally, but I think that's how I would characterize it). Big fat waste of your time. And even if you get the guy, think of who else you could have gotten.

So no, I wouldn't advise anyone to do this.

 

[ladysaraii]

LOL yes Urkel did get Laura but only when he changed his clothes took the glasses off and became the cool Stephan Ur'kel. lol

-I don't believe in training a man to do right. I dont have time to train a man and then he leaves and becomes a great guy to someone else.

He eventually got her as Steve. Actually Laura rejected Stephen for him. But even Steve dated Myra for a while, so it's not like he wasn't exploring his own options.

 

[dlewis]

I remember my aunt saying this and laughing. Yep, she wore him down and he cheated and dogged her out their entire marriage.

 

[LoveisYou]

Errr..but hafta me nuh have a bag ova mi face, i.e., um I have too much pride for that foolishness, a man has to want me for me to be interested *shrugs*

 

[MizAvalon]

Her first mistake was having his child without requiring marriage.

I am not wearing any man down. I tell you what I want, you either agree or you don't. The end.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

No, I don't believe in it.

I would always want a guy to want me more than I want him.

I'd think this kind of guy would have an extremely big ego and think he could get away with more because the woman was the chaser.

 

[Xerxes]

He doesn't want to be in a relationship but he is trying to keep her hanging on a string. They are not even together but everytime she tries to move on he pops up and tries to get with her. He doesn't want any other men around their son. When they do try to work things out he's good for awhile then he starts acting up again and says he's still in love with the 1st baby mom (who is married to someone else) My friend tries her hardest to show him how great things could be if they would just be together. She's very successful, educated, has a beautiful home. The guy is older than her and still strugglin. His mother told my friend that she is too good for him cause she drives a benz and that her son is intimidated by that.

Hmm, she's "successful, educated," has a nice home and low self esteem.

Seriously, money and education don't buy you common sense, you either have it or you don't.

She's letting an old dude who is so broke he can't even afford the "g" in "struggling" run game on her!? You said he was "strugglin'"! LMAO


She needs a swift kick to the cerebellum.

I wouldn't even offer her advice, she'll always be hung up on her old "baby daddy". I think it's a stroke of genius that she lets him control her by saying "he doesn't want other men around his son". Meanwhile, his son is learning from them how to treat a BW and ensure that she'll always be in your back pocket.

I swear if I were a guy, I'd be worse than Satan. So many BW who think they are successful and educated are just waiting to be exploited (sexually and financially) just for the sake of saying they have a man. And we wonder as BW why as a group so few of us are getting married and so many of us are HIV+.

Too many of us lack self esteem and are willing to forego all self respect just for a man.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Naw, she needs to do the opposite. How old is the baby anyway?

 

[LadyPaniolo]

SMDH. No ma'am. In my world, it's the MAN who should be doing all of the chasing, pleading and wearing down. Then he treats you better, since he had to earn your company and love. Plus he will always have in the back of his mind that you could break out and get with another man should he drop the ball.

 

[awhyley]

At first glance, this screams SECOND-BEST.
Why would she want to be the last option for someone before marriage? erplexed

Oh, I do know one woman for whom it "worked." She was a side-chick/jump-off for about 20 years (although she did marry another guy during this time) and then she and the original man divorced their spouses. They started dating, then he picked up ANOTHER side chick. About two years after that, he dropped that side chick and proposed to the woman who waited. Then they got married and have been married for almost 10 years.

Happy ending, right? Well, he just asked for a divorce a few months ago. He's seeing another woman.

Dang Bunny You had me right there until the last sentence. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

They are not even together but everytime she tries to move on he pops up and tries to get with her. He doesn't want any other men around their son. When they do try to work things out he's good for awhile then he starts acting up again and says he's still in love with the 1st baby mom.

Uh-uh, thats what he told HER. He wants access to the puddy, but still doesn't want to be committed. That's the reason.

 

[awhyley]

I wouldn't even offer her advice, she'll always be hung up on her old "baby daddy". I think it's a stroke of genius that she lets him control her by saying "he doesn't want other men around his son". Meanwhile, his son is learning from them how to treat a BW and ensure that she'll always be in your back pocket.

You beat me to it. Perfect observation. Sad isn't it?

I swear if I were a guy, I'd be worse than Satan. So many BW who think they are successful and educated are just waiting to be exploited (sexually and financially) just for the sake of saying they have a man. And we wonder as BW why as a group so few of us are getting married and so many of us are HIV+

An intervention is in order, but these ladies are so delusional, they're not trying to hear anything anyone has to say. *shakes head*

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Uh-uh, thats what he told HER. He wants access to the puddy, but still doesn't want to be committed. That's the reason.

DING DING DING! We have a winner. It was so obvious to me that I thought everyone would instantly have the same thought upon hearing his BS line but upon reflection I can see that some ladies might not peep game on that.


When a man doesn't want to live with you, but wants YOU to be single for xyz reason, while he only comes around to see his kids at 11pm (when he wants to knock boots)... it should be obvious. He wants free puxxy on tap, and he feels entitled to the cookie for life, without having to do anything for the woman. SMDH. If there's another man on the scene, the free puxxy tends to dry up. Hence his nonsensical rambling about not wanting another man around his son. Please.

MY question is: why would a woman give a tinker's dammm about what that wants to happen/not happen in HER HOUSE that he isn't living in or paying to maintain??? I wish a ***** would.

 

[Bunny77]

Dang Bunny You had me right there until the last sentence. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

You know, I feel bad for the lady because I know her and you would think she'd have it together... but this is a case where she decided that she just loved this man and would not be without him.

Remember some of those jumpoff threads we had a while ago? I was thinking to myself that I knew one lady who ended up with the man and I was going to mention her story (although it took like, more than 20 years to get him).

Then I heard about the divorce proceedings last month! Lawd! After all that!

 

[belldandy]

I was chatting with a girlfriend of mine about her relationship issue with her child's father. He does not want to be with her but her Aunt suggested that she "wear him down" to get him.erplexed Her Aunt said thats how she got her husband. My friend was surprised that I had not heard of this concept. She told me you basically just never give up. You continue to be the good woman, always there, always supportive and eventually he will come around. This is not something she wants to do but the women in her family are all for it. :endworld:

To me it sounds rediculous but when I told my mother about it she said it was nothing new and had pointed out several women her age that I knew and how they wore their men down. I'm talking about scenarios where the couple didn't marry until their children were teenagers!

So ladies- I want your thoughts on this...What do you think about women who do this? Have you seen scenarios where it actually worked and the marriage is successful? Have you ever worn a man down?

Why waste your whole life, youth and put wrinkles in your face chasing someone who does not want you? When you can have suitors knocking your door down and treating you good? Not to sound like a floosy but that just sounds like a sad life. On to the next is my new motto...

 

[ThickHair]

Former BFF wore her alleged husband down after 13 years to marry her. She had a son by him before marriage and went on to have a daughter after they got married. Homey has never been faithful. He cheated on her before marriage and never stopped. Somehow she has a sense of being the queen because he married her. She harrasses the gf's to let them know that he is coming home to her, THE WIFE. I told her to stop doing that because the issue is with MISTER, but she insist that those chickenheads need to know that she is THE WIFE. Yet she never confronts him.

 

[LilMissRed]

Ive heard of this, but my time is wayyyy too precious to be trying to chase/lock down some dude whos not even into me.. no ma'am.. I'll pass