"We will not lose our love, our marriage, OVER HAIR"

[Guitarhero]

likewtr4chklit, I do understand what you saying and yes there is a line. I don't know the whole story between the couple in the story. However, my point is, before we get ready to go off, kick someone to the curb, etc. we need to examine our own behavior to see how we may be contributing to the situation by our actions.

My post was not about allowing a man to dictate. It is about letting your spouse know you hear and acknowledge their objection whether you agree or disagree. The man wanted to be heard. Obviously, he felt that his opinion didn't matter. His negative reaction wasn't warranted but it got him heard. The wife has now reinforced a negative behavior. I am sure that if they sat down and talked her decision out as oppposed to "this is my hair and I can do what I want with it", it may not have resulted in what happened.

My grandmother always told me, enough is enough only after you have done ALL in your power to make it right. Once you've done that, you can walk away with no regrets.

That essentially places the blame on a woman who is strong enough to recognize her inherent human dignity and freedom of her individual. A married couple is not one in the sense that she ceases to exist. You don't trample over a PREGNANT woman, taking her to the car, driving down the road and telling her he wants out. She was hyperventilating...what if she went into premature labor due to the sudden stress? It hit her from out of the blue. He could have written a letter explaining they needed to discuss an issue. And even then, it's a non-issue. How does he wear his own hair? Does he fart under the sheets...leave the seat up? But see, these are things one does, not being the essence of a person such as physical form. What I think you're advocating is that she defer to his likes but pretend that she had an equal say...but ultimately listen to him and cave to his side in order to submit to his will. I could be wrong but he placed her emotions and even physical in danger. What's that say about him?

 

[reeko43]

^^^ I don't know where you got your interpretation of my post from but we obviously won't have a meeting of the minds on this. I would like for you to show me specifically where I put all of the blame on the wife and that the wife should defer to the husband. I would also like for you to show me using my specific wording where I condoned the husband's actions in any way. Besides, if the guy is really that much of a buttwipe, I am sure he showed his behind well before this incident and well before they got married. So, she definitely shares blame if she turned a blind eye, married and had children anyway.

I don't know if I can put it in any plainer english but it takes two to work on a problem and come up with a solution. It also takes two to keep small issues from becoming big problems. If you are married have been married and had all problems were always because of your spouse, I venture to say that you are in the minority. Please enlighten me further if you so choose; however, don't waste your time if you are going to just rewrite my post to what you thought I said and meant. If your problem is some deep seated issues with men, I am not qualified to discuss that with you.

 

[tiffers]

Mind you, you must have missed all the other posts saying the same basic thing, right? Alluding to the fact he is black...and that black men can have stupid a$$ issues when their hair is also the same? But you chose mine for some reason. Hmmmmm....

I most certainly did read all of the comments, but think my reasons for pinpointing your post were obvious because not only did you assume the husband was black, you also lumped all black men into the a**hole category. Your reason for only dating outside of your race came off as ignorant and ridiculous.

I'll leave it at that, because I'm not one to go back and forth over the interwebs. Have a nice day!

 

[Guitarhero]

^^^ I don't know where you got your interpretation of my post from but we obviously won't have a meeting of the minds on this. I would like for you to show me specifically where I put all of the blame on the wife and that the wife should defer to the husband. I would also like for you to show me using my specific wording where I condoned the husband's actions in any way. Besides, if the guy is really that much of a buttwipe, I am sure he showed his behind well before this incident and well before they got married. So, she definitely shares blame if she turned a blind eye, married and had children anyway.

I don't know if I can put it in any plainer english but it takes two to work on a problem and come up with a solution. It also takes two to keep small issues from becoming big problems. If you are married have been married and had all problems were always because of your spouse, I venture to say that you are in the minority. Please enlighten me further if you so choose; however, don't waste your time if you are going to just rewrite my post to what you thought I said and meant. If your problem is some deep seated issues with men, I am not qualified to discuss that with you.

Reiterating:


"What I think you're advocating is that she defer to his likes but pretend that she had an equal say...but ultimately listen to him and cave to his side in order to submit to his will. I could be wrong...."

Meaning that, from your post, this is what I THOUGHT you might be advocating...and that I COULD BE WRONG.


No, I don't have any deep-seated issues with men at all. I don't have a problem, either. This is an open discussion and nobody has the definitive answer...only opinions. It SEEMED that you were advocating that the women should defer to him and discuss an issue that is natural to her physical...her hair...but for the sake of saving the relationship.


This is what made me THINK (not be certain) you meant that:

"I am sure that if they sat down and talked her decision out as oppposed to "this is my hair and I can do what I want with it", it may not have resulted in what happened."


I ask you, why should she have talked it out with him to arrive at a decision? I can see talking out something about buying a car, stocking the fridge with certain items etc...but this is so very personal to her being only. Do you think she should defer to his wishes?

 

[greight]

Ahhh... this thread reminds me why I never straighten my hair as a natural...

The situation sounds pitiful. Really hoping this is a fake story, but to be honest... There have been MANY times people asked me why don't I straighten my hair and how I'd look good with it straight or with chemicals. I can truly believe a man saying that mess.

 

[Guitarhero]

I most certainly did read all of the comments, but think my reasons for pinpointing your post were obvious because not only did you assume the husband was black, you also lumped all black men into the a**hole category. Your reason for only dating outside of your race came off as ignorant and ridiculous.

I'll leave it at that, because I'm not one to go back and forth over the interwebs. Have a nice day!

I believe most assumed he was Black. We don't usually hear these issues outside the black community, usually. I don't date outside of my CULTURE...some of them are Black. You simply don't comprehend me, tis all. I still stand by what everyone is seeing, a very decidedly and general AA male assault upon the character and worth of AA women. I am not the author of all that discussion.

 

[reeko43]

I COULD BE WRONG.

You are wrong.

 

[Guitarhero]

You are wrong.

But you see how others might have interpreted you? At least, I made myself clear in the first that it was how I thought you saw the issue. I stand corrected on YOUR thoughts.

 

[ericajoy]

I LOVE THIS MAN. I CANNOT IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT THIS MAN. I WILL NOT LOSE MY HUSBAND OVER HAIR.

But...it sounds like he's willing to lose HER over hair. I don't know them or their business, obviously, but if he's THAT BAD at expressing his feelings that he has to threaten to SPLIT UP with his pregnant wife just to find a way to tell her to straighten her hair...I fear for that marriage. But I do wish them well.

 

[greenandchic]

HUH?? I'm Black, is that good enough? Calm down about what? I cuzzed that dood out in my post...and well, for the sake of the CF...erased it. Now, what are you all mad about? Cuz I called him a trifling a$$ *****? He is...if he's Black



Mind you, you must have missed all the other posts saying the same basic thing, right? Alluding to the fact he is black...and that black men can have stupid a$$ issues when their hair is also the same? But you chose mine for some reason. Hmmmmm....

It could be because you use the ni**er word in a post that you wrote earlier. You did you did edit it, but not before God knows how many people saw it. It wasn't the "*****" or "ni**a" word either.

 

[SmilingElephant]

If I was married to this dude I'd knock all his teeth out his mouth.

Nah!

That came from the UTERUS!

 

[Guitarhero]

It could be because you use the ni**er word in a post that you wrote earlier. You did you did edit it, but not before God knows how many people saw it. It wasn't the "*****" or "ni**a" word either.

Yep, I'm Black, I say it from time to time...I sure did...and the CF is the Christian Forum...for those wondering...I didn't hold back what I thought. Don't make this about a non-Black using the word...I'm definitely Black, I'm just diff....and that word is all over this forum... And I sure did edit it but not cuz I'm scared of anybody here...

 

[greenandchic]

Yep, I'm Black, I say it from time to time...I sure did...and the CF is the Christian Forum...for those wondering...I didn't hold back what I thought. Don't make this about a non-Black using the word...I'm definitely Black, I'm just diff....and that word is all over this forum... And I sure did edit it but not cuz I'm scared of anybody here...

Did I say you're not Black?

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Wow. Just Wow.

 

[Ms. Tiki]

I immediately thought that the real issue is that he resents her. He is home all day with the daughter while she is at work having fun and socializing. The reverse of the resentment that build from a stay at home mom. Now, I do agree that he is controlling, manipulative, and childish. My SO hates wigs but I wish he would end our relationship and break up our family over some hair. You might be leaving but you won't be leaving with your clothes or your car I'm going straight "waiting to exhale" on him

 

[PersuasiveBeauty]

 

[cabellera]

She basically answered her own problem, she's not loosing the guy over hair, so she'll get out a pressing comb or a chemical.

Hmmm, did she state that she was natural for a year and her husband couldn't stand the site of her, yet she's preggers. Ooookaaaaay.


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[lesedi]

Just SMH to this whole amazingly written novella.
So.......your marriage is in tatters but it got miraculously fixed because you discovered a notepad and a pen??? And I really didn't know that 'i think we should split up' meant 'can you press your hair once in a while?'. You learn something every day.

 

[Mis007]

So he couldn't just say to his wife to change up her hair styles sometimes erplexed rather than we need to split . Hell he likes straight I will throw in some remy on my head no problem .

 

[LeatherandLace]

Wow. I need to hang out in the hair section more often.

 

[lesedi]

So he couldn't just say to his wife to change up her hair styles sometimes erplexed rather than we need to split . Hell he likes straight I will throw in some remy on my head no problem .

you feel me!!??? what kind of man just has to say 'we need a divorce' instead of 'baby, I love it when you wear your hair straight, can you do it more often?'

 

[lesedi]

Wow. I need to hang out in the hair section more often.

SoInnocent
I know you said not to ask but......
da hayle you got in your siggy????????????????????????!!!!

 

[fletgee]

...........................Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............

I wonder what what dh would have done if she looked him in the eye and replied...........

OK!

 

[lesedi]

...........................Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............

I wonder what what dh would have done if she looked him in the eye and replied...........

OK!

 

[rainbowknots]

For the women who said their husbands didn't like their hair when they went natural, did their opinions change once your hair got longer. I'm wondering if the issue with them not liking it is length and not so much the texture.

KCcurly and southernbella

 

[Southernbella.]

For the women who said their husbands didn't like their hair when they went natural, did their opinions change once your hair got longer. I'm wondering if the issue with them not liking it is length and not so much the texture.

@KCcurly and @southernbella

Yes, this was definitely the case. I transitioned for as long as I could stand it (that was part of my compromise), but after I bc'd, I still had a short fro. Dh didn't like that, and he didn't like most of the styles I experimented with.

He loves it now. It's been 4 years, and it was gradual. He would start out only complimenting certain styles, but last year he told me he understands why I did it, and that I seem happier and more confident. He also said my hair is very versatile. So yeah, I think length combined with texture is the issue many men have. Long and kinky trumps short and kinky every time.

 

[African Beauty]

This story is sad, but it is evidence that men too, have to deal with the mental transition of learning to love natural kinky hair. Us as black women need to understand that our men have the same deep rooted post-colonial ingrained mentalities of beauty as well. It sounds like this man unfortunately couldn't help to react in this way, (which was way out of hand and childish) however what he's going through is absolutely normal; it's a symptom (like many have posted already) of a deeper issue. She should not leave her husband! In my opinion she needs to address the issues of self love, embracing one's hair and what it means to her, their children, and our people in general.

 

[LeatherandLace]

@SoInnocent
I know you said not to ask but......
da hayle you got in your siggy????????????????????????!!!!

lesedi[USER][/USER]
I Really don't know!!! I found it on another site but I can't remember where

I guess you're asking yourself what kind of websites this girl be going to

 

[Mis007]

With some of these attitudes and that not doing AA men comment, it is not hard to understand why there are so many single women. Doesn't matter about color. All men want respect as all women want love. We can't demand this and that without willing to give as well. Sisters, be mature, stop rolling your eyes and necks talking about what all you won't do and take time to educate the brothers on your hair choices. That will lead to far more success stories.

Don't watch that some if not most are married to bm

 

[NicWhite]

I relayed this story to my husband.

He said: there is not enough information to understand what exactly is going on. He says that there are obviously deeper issues. He believes they are having other big martial problems but the husband was willing to tolerate the other issues as long as he felt the wife was "looking good" and now that she does not "look good" (to him), what's the point. He thinks the guy is already looking at other women. He says the woman is foolish to do what the husband is asking her to do just because he threatened divorce. He says (taking the story at face value, based only on the info provided) the guy is selfish, self-absorbed, proud, dirt bag, etc. He says that for a man to say this to his pregnant wife means that he is not playing with a full deck.

These are none of my thoughts. This is a man's perspective.