lesedi
All is well with me
Him or her? Cause that story doesn't sound real. It's the type of post that you KNOW will rile the masses.
"We will not lose our love, our marriage, OVER HAIR"
- Thread starter TootiePie
- Start date
Him or her? Cause that story doesn't sound real. It's the type of post that you KNOW will rile the masses.
Philippians413
Well-Known Member
Oh no mam! This woman is either blind or terribly naive. There is clearly another issue going on here and she will be disappointed when she finds out what it truly is. "We will not lose our love, our marriage, OVER HAIR," obviously dude doesn't feel the same way. He wanted to leave his pregnant wife and told her that he didn't find her attractive anymore, and I'm suppose to believe that her note and agreeing to wear some straight styles changed his mind?
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Evolving78
Well-Known Member
yep! i would leave his behind! i would have pulled his card and told him good luck in life.
whiteoleander91
stay at your best ♥
She's been natural for almost a YEAR and is 5 MONTHS pregnant? He obviously doesn't find her hair that repulsive.
Somethin else is up.
Somethin else is up.
snillohsss
New Member
There is something else going on, and he used the hair as a scapegoat. The fact that he came out and said " We need to split up", instead of asking her to blow her natural hair out is a sign. She is pregnant, and he had no problem saying he was ready to leave her.
She is right though...he is horrible at expressing himself because he STILL didn't tell her that he just wanted to divorce. Instead, he tried to blame it on something else. He isn't attracted to her anymore period, and the hair thing was just a cover up so that he could give her a reason. Unfortunately, this isn't going to be the first time she will hear this from him. I agree with the other poster, he is cheating.
She is right though...he is horrible at expressing himself because he STILL didn't tell her that he just wanted to divorce. Instead, he tried to blame it on something else. He isn't attracted to her anymore period, and the hair thing was just a cover up so that he could give her a reason. Unfortunately, this isn't going to be the first time she will hear this from him. I agree with the other poster, he is cheating.
NJoy
Here I grow again!
I think there are some sensitivities here and we're reading past the issue. What I heard is that he doesn't feel heard as it relates to how he feels about her hair. He has a right to have an opinion on how his wife looks and behaves. I don't think he was ever really willing to split up over hair. I think that he used those words to get her attention and get her to take what he's saying seriously. Sometimes it takes extremes to really get someone to stop and deal with the issue at hand. He didn't demand that she relax her hair. He asked her to wear more straight styles. Nothing wrong with that. The issue is not the hair. The issue is not feeling heard or having his opinion respected or even considered. There is a communication issue in that household and sometimes five years is not long enough to learn how to effectively communicate within the marriage. It's an ongoing thing.
They have to learn how to acknowledge and properly discuss matters that are being brought before the other. Otherwise, if you're not listening and my feelings (and it takes a lot for guys to play the feelings card) don't matter to you (in his opinion), then I need I'm out because I realize this can't work for me.
Whatever a spouse brings forth as a concern has to be given due attention, even if there's no agreement. The feeling that has to be conveyed is "I hear you and your feelings matter. Let's talk about it". I guarantee the relationship will be strengthened when both parties feel important to the other.
I'll be 15 years into my marriage next month and I know that I've thrown major hissy fits over minor things as a last result to get the attention I felt needed. We're still growing in this thing. But we continue to learn and our relationship continues to be strengthened.
He's not going anywhere.
JMO.
They have to learn how to acknowledge and properly discuss matters that are being brought before the other. Otherwise, if you're not listening and my feelings (and it takes a lot for guys to play the feelings card) don't matter to you (in his opinion), then I need I'm out because I realize this can't work for me.
Whatever a spouse brings forth as a concern has to be given due attention, even if there's no agreement. The feeling that has to be conveyed is "I hear you and your feelings matter. Let's talk about it". I guarantee the relationship will be strengthened when both parties feel important to the other.
I'll be 15 years into my marriage next month and I know that I've thrown major hissy fits over minor things as a last result to get the attention I felt needed. We're still growing in this thing. But we continue to learn and our relationship continues to be strengthened.
He's not going anywhere.
JMO.
GoodMernin
New Member
Sure he don't already have some straight hair on the side?
Juss sayin'...
Juss sayin'...
TootiePie
Well-Known Member
I can understand the frustration of feeling like your feelings are being ignored but, I don't agree with the divorce scare tactic at all. To even voice that you would gamble your marriage and raising two kids together over a hair style is insane to me. There had to be a better way to handle that. Why risk stressing your pregnant wife out with such a threat anyway? Why call her all the way home from work for that BS if he wasn't forreal? I do agree that they need to learn to communicate but he was doing the absolute most.
Geminigirl
Well-Known Member
All I know is as much as ya'll down single mothers on here and uphold marriage so highly, ya'll tell a chick to leave her marriage in a heartbeat lol. That's all.
discodumpling
Well-Known Member
This has NOTHING to do with her hair...she should let him go now. Cause all she's seeing is a glimpse of what is TRULY to come.
Almost 5 yrs nappy and DH will verbally say he doesn't like it...but his hands STAY in my nappy hair! He is the main reason I don't leave it out & can't keep an out style for more than 24 hrs.
At the beginning of my HHJ I told him he could leave if he wanted to....but how you gonna explain to the judge that you left me because I choose to wear my hair the way it grows out of my head?? LMFAO! ...I wish a nukka would...
Almost 5 yrs nappy and DH will verbally say he doesn't like it...but his hands STAY in my nappy hair! He is the main reason I don't leave it out & can't keep an out style for more than 24 hrs.
At the beginning of my HHJ I told him he could leave if he wanted to....but how you gonna explain to the judge that you left me because I choose to wear my hair the way it grows out of my head?? LMFAO! ...I wish a nukka would...
lovegymnasts
New Member
I have to disagree and it appears that he does not respect her or her body. Love is not about the outer appearance and if you love someone, the outer package should not change that love. Would you start using bleaching cream on your skin because your man feels that your skin is getting too dark and he prefers light skinned women? Or go all Michael Jackson-ish and do what ever the heck he did? Should I wear blue contacts because that is his preference?
Should I become a stick? I know people do not like to talk about it but if this story is true, he also has some color issues (disgusted, nappy).
Just from what I have read and the interviews I have seen:
I admire Delta Burke's husband, Gerald McRaney. With her weight and other issues, that man has always supported and loved her. That is a husband.
NJoy
Here I grow again!
Let me add, all she's doing is putting her natural hair support group on notice that there are gonna be some changes. This pregnant woman better go on and do what she needs to do IRL to take care of her family. She already said as much. Shiiiid. Anybody against that is twisting up more than hair.
And I'm mad that she felt the need to run to a hair board, knowing some chicks will add to the drama. Grown women handle theirs. Work that out between the two of you and keep it moving. A family is at stake and should be considered above the opinions of those of us whose relationships, or lack thereof, is unknown....IRL.
Smh at any response that condemns without knowing the whooooole story. We build marriages. A foolish woman tears down her home with her own hands.
And I'm mad that she felt the need to run to a hair board, knowing some chicks will add to the drama. Grown women handle theirs. Work that out between the two of you and keep it moving. A family is at stake and should be considered above the opinions of those of us whose relationships, or lack thereof, is unknown....IRL.
Smh at any response that condemns without knowing the whooooole story. We build marriages. A foolish woman tears down her home with her own hands.
ManeStreet
Well-Known Member
I AGREE with Njoy 100%. It was about him feeling like his preferences and feelings weren't recognized. And that feeling inside of him was probably building up for the whole year she was natural and it was nagging in the back of his mind. He genuinely did not like her hair but he saw how much she loved it and at that moment he was thinking irrational, so he thought there was no solution but to break up. And later they hug and make up...that's marriage.
We are imperfect people, who marry imperfect people. When you are married there are days when you or your spouse can be insensitive, selfish, difficult, short tempered, unforgiving, overly emotional... But the key is being able to communicate, compromise and work towards a solution.
In the end, that is exactly what they did.
So instead of prophecying their doom, we should see that they were successful in working through the situation to keep their family together. And that's a beautiful thing.
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lovegymnasts
New Member
A marriage takes 2 people to work. He needs to take her wants and needs into account also, especially about something that has to do with her body.
I am not saying she needs to leave him but I do not support the notion that a man dictates the home or that a woman has to change herself to make sure her marriage works. Where is he? What changes is he going to make?
I would love to see the reaction he would have if she was the one who was pulling this on him.
I am not saying she needs to leave him but I do not support the notion that a man dictates the home or that a woman has to change herself to make sure her marriage works. Where is he? What changes is he going to make?
I would love to see the reaction he would have if she was the one who was pulling this on him.
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
Let's not lump all AA men in one pot, cuz **** arseness is not limited to AA men
I'm sorry, but I cant fully cosign. Yeah I can see him being upset that he felt his opinion wasnt heard. And I do think he should have some input into it, so they can compromise and find hair styles that they both like and/or can live with.
But him coming up to his wife (his pregnant wife at that) with 'We need to split up' is a b!tch arse move. There are other ways he could have gotten his point across without resorting to such extremes and this woman is going to running around feeling so grateful her husband is sticking with her and her hair that its going to be that much easier for him the next time he wants to get his way
ellebelle88
Well-Known Member
I understand exactly what you are saying. I just think that throwing a hissy fit is different than threatening to divorce/breakup someone while they are pregnant, so i don't know...
Renewed1
Well-Known Member
I agree with most. He has no problem taking care of his daughters natural hair and like it. But not on his wife?!
Maybe he wants her to do more "grown up" styles. Some people consider twists/braids childish on women of a certain age.
But he was trying to be controlling. Good men, try to throw their weight around once in a while. This doesn't mean her hubby is a bad person. She handled it well, by compromising and HE realizing it is "just hair."
Maybe he wants her to do more "grown up" styles. Some people consider twists/braids childish on women of a certain age.
But he was trying to be controlling. Good men, try to throw their weight around once in a while. This doesn't mean her hubby is a bad person. She handled it well, by compromising and HE realizing it is "just hair."
bludaydreamer
Well-Known Member
We are forgetting one big fact: MEN ARE NOT LIKE WOMEN. He married the woman he wanted as a wife, and that includes her straight hair.
Here's how it probably went down in her husband's head
1. I love my wife, who has straight hair
2. I don't want you to go natural. I don't like nappy hair
3. Oh, you went natural anyway. . .Am I the man in this relationship, do I matter? I am already Mr. Mom, what next?
4. 1 yr. of telling my wife I don't like her hair (Oh another twist out, why can't she just straighten her hair for me? I just want to run my fingers through it.)
5. His friend says, "Man, I'm telling you just put your foot down. Tell her you are going to leave if she doesn't straighten her hair. It worked for me. F#!@ that nappy $h!)."
6. Baby, we need to talk . . .
And scene
I think we are a great example of how they got to this point: We are all in hear saying, "Hell no. Don't let him tell you what to do. Do you girl" and that's what she did for an entire year. How long would any of us last if we told our man to shave a beard or whatever for a year and he refused? At some point it's the principle. He felt he had to threaten their relationship to force her to value his opinion.
I think on this one, we all need to look in the mirror. Self worth is not determined by a relationship, but it is also not determined by hair.
Here's how it probably went down in her husband's head
1. I love my wife, who has straight hair
2. I don't want you to go natural. I don't like nappy hair
3. Oh, you went natural anyway. . .Am I the man in this relationship, do I matter? I am already Mr. Mom, what next?
4. 1 yr. of telling my wife I don't like her hair (Oh another twist out, why can't she just straighten her hair for me? I just want to run my fingers through it.)
5. His friend says, "Man, I'm telling you just put your foot down. Tell her you are going to leave if she doesn't straighten her hair. It worked for me. F#!@ that nappy $h!)."
6. Baby, we need to talk . . .
And scene
I think we are a great example of how they got to this point: We are all in hear saying, "Hell no. Don't let him tell you what to do. Do you girl" and that's what she did for an entire year. How long would any of us last if we told our man to shave a beard or whatever for a year and he refused? At some point it's the principle. He felt he had to threaten their relationship to force her to value his opinion.
I think on this one, we all need to look in the mirror. Self worth is not determined by a relationship, but it is also not determined by hair.
candy626
New Member
I totally disagree with his approach. You should never make your pregnant wife feel insecure. You also should not tell someone your getting a divorce over their hair style (that's ridiculous). However, it is good that eventually they were able to have an open discussion on the situation. I agree with previous posters that there's probably way more to the story here than just "hair."
However, appearance does matter to a degree and for any one to say otherwise is not being honest. With that being said, he should have just said to her, what he ended up saying at the very end which was basically, "I like your hair in it's natural state, but I why don't you mix in some straight styles more often? I love how sexy you look when you straighten your hair."
For me, that would have gone over a lot better then telling me how much you hate my natural hair. If my bf told me that, I would probably tell him to get lost (to put it lightly).
When your dealing with sensitive issues like this it's all in how you approach things.
However, appearance does matter to a degree and for any one to say otherwise is not being honest. With that being said, he should have just said to her, what he ended up saying at the very end which was basically, "I like your hair in it's natural state, but I why don't you mix in some straight styles more often? I love how sexy you look when you straighten your hair."
For me, that would have gone over a lot better then telling me how much you hate my natural hair. If my bf told me that, I would probably tell him to get lost (to put it lightly).
When your dealing with sensitive issues like this it's all in how you approach things.
NJoy
Here I grow again!
Again, I think he was just at the end of his own communication skills and said what he said to get her attention, quick! And, if you re-read her post she said "Ok, ok, ok. He probably didn’t use those exact words. But I’m pregnant, so that’s what it sounded like."
Again, it's about being heard. And technically, if you're Christian, then you should know that her body belongs to him and his to her.
I wish my husband WOULD come home wearing his hair in plaits with ribbons on the end and poo poo my complaints. I wouldn't want to leave him but, last resort. He already knows. Now that's flesh talking. The correct thing would be to work it out. Um, but he better come out of those sissy plaits.
Hate the method but don't throw the baby out with the bath water. We all work with our limitations. If he knew a better way, I 'm sure he would have done better. But hey, it did get her attention, which was the point. I can see by his responses that it is not his preference to leave her over hair. Am I giving him a pass for upsetting a preggo? Not at all. But to tell this woman that she needs to dump him isn't the answer. And she should be grateful that he brought it to her attention (again, I don't agree in how he did it) because another man would have moved on or entertained something else with no warning. Now THAT would have been a punk move. And I'm not saying that he's not already looking. A married woman does have a responsibility to keep her man from being tempted. And he has the same towards his wife.
Yeah, I hate that he upset his pregnant wife who is already mad hormonal but again, let's not throw out the baby with the bath water. Just like he wants to be heard, now is her time to let him know how she feels/felt. Good can come from bad if you take advantage of the opportunity and move in love instead of hurt or anger.
candy626
New Member
I agree that the way she styles her natural hair may be the problem. When I started wearing my hair in non straight styles I struggled with finding what looked good on me and my face shape. Every style doesn't look good on everybody.
In fact, many moons ago I had a boyfriend in high school who told me he preferred my hair straight (I didn't care as I still wore my hair the way I felt like wearing it
) But then one day the subject came up again, and he told me he liked my hair curly also, but NOT when I was trying to wear the wet look (back then I used to wear gobs of gel and hairspray, to get the wet, wavy, spanish girl look. Unforunately, it ended up looking more like a jherri curl that was hard to the touch 
erplexed. Even my mother told me recently, that she used to hate when I would wear my hair like that and thinks my hair in its regular curly state looks much cuter)So styling technique could be part of the issue here along with poor communication.
yorkpatties
Well-Known Member
What y'all don't realize is that chick was walking around looking like THIS!
JazzyOleBabe
Well-Known Member
Here is a cute but well thought out line from Johnnie Taylor's old record called "It's cheaper to keep her". "By the time you finishing looking that judge in the face, You wanna go out and cuss the whole human race. That's why its cheaper to keep her." Another line in the song goes something like "You'll be puttin all your money in momma's pocketbook". HAIR causes this!!!. Well son, Hair comes da judge.
JinaRicci
New Member
I think deep down she isn't comfortable with what happened and even how they worked it out so she's looking for some confirmation. ITA that we don't know the whole story but from what we do know this doesn't sound right and she shouldn't sweep this under the rug. He may have been looking to be heard but doing it during her lunch break when she doesn't have much time sounds like he wasn't looking for a discussion. JMO.
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