We Can't Agree On Anything

Perhaps you should think of it as an introduction to comprise. Like you say what you want he says what he wants then you meet in the middle.
Hopefully that sounds positive :-)
Hang in there weddings can be a beast!
 
sj10460 said:
The date
The location
The food
The budget
The color scheme
it's all so frustrating :mwahahafire:

I'm hurt, angry, and annoyed.

This should be in the wedding forum.
Click to expand...
Since when did all that stuff(well except the budget if you guys are paying) matter to him? It will seriously give you a headache.

The date - You should ask your family(parents and take into consideration holidays etc and make sure he has time off and also the wedding party can make it). not really something you guys have to agree on.
The location - ask him for his preference. again not something you guys have to agree on. it would be nice for both of you to check out the venues together. after we went to see 2 together, he wasnt interested in seeing anymore. i went to see the rest either alone or with female friends and showed him pictures which he wasnt necessarily interested in seeing.
The food - would be nice if both if you can go to the tasting. honestly you wont be able to eat much on that day it's really for your guests.
The budget - like i said if you guys are paying, that's where you should begin then take it from there. now that's an absolute must to agree on
The color scheme - i honestly don't know any men that are interested in color schemes

Taleah2009 said:
Just do what you want.

Just kidding (but not really lol)
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exactly!
 
LovingLady said:
Thank you. @sj10460 This is your day, the only thing he should care about is the fact that he is invited, the food, the budget, and that the people he wants there are also invited.
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im mad you said he's invited :eek::lachen:honestly i felt bad typing that out but seriously all he has to do is show up. i tried to involve him but it just pissed me off more. at one point he said he wasn't interested. that's men for you..they tell you straight up. he did help assemble the invitation boxes. :)
 
Compromise in your case might mean half of the issues he gets to win on and the other half you win. Either you could choose which ones are yours vs his randomly. Or you could rank order each issue according to their importance to each of you and then decide "who wins" based on what falls to the top.
 
I want to wear a blush pink dress and I want him to wear white. His mother is very traditional and has voiced her unsolicited opinion in opposition of my color of dress.

I want a small wedding party, only 3 bridesmaids. He wants his two brothers, best friend, his close friend (former coworker) & two cousins.

I wanna get married in the spring specifically in April but he wants a fall/winter wedding so it won't mess with his allergies :rolleyes:. His reasons for opposition- he wore white at his first wedding and it was in April. I totally get it but I've always wanted to get married in April. It's been my month of choice since I can remember. I really don't have a valid reason except it's what I want. I've always wanted to get married outdoors in the botanical gardens it's over budget.

My really good friend manages a famous Caribbean band that's going to perform for the homey discount but I want a separate wedding singer for when I walk down the aisle. I hate that "here comes the bride" :look:


What we agree on, not much except to marry each other and in New York. We're both from the city, so that works wonderfully. Budget is the biggest issue. I truly think he has no idea how much a wedding cost. I think he wants to get married at the DOJ and call it a day. I don't feel like what I want is unreasonable and he can afford it. He's just being a cheap arse.:pyro:
 
GeorginaSparks said:
Since when did all that stuff(well except the budget if you guys are paying) matter to him? It will seriously give you a headache.

The date - You should ask your family(parents and take into consideration holidays etc and make sure he has time off and also the wedding party can make it). not really something you guys have to agree on.
The location - ask him for his preference. again not something you guys have to agree on. it would be nice for both of you to check out the venues together. after we went to see 2 together, he wasnt interested in seeing anymore. i went to see the rest either alone or with female friends and showed him pictures which he wasnt necessarily interested in seeing.
The food - would be nice if both if you can go to the tasting. honestly you wont be able to eat much on that day it's really for your guests.
The budget - like i said if you guys are paying, that's where you should begin then take it from there. now that's an absolute must to agree on
The color scheme - i honestly don't know any men that are interested in color schemes


exactly!
Click to expand...
LovingLady said:
Thank you. @sj10460 This is your day, the only thing he should care about is the fact that he is invited, the food, the budget, and that the people he wants there are also invited.
Click to expand...


Yup. I agree with these two lol
 
GeorginaSparks said:
im mad you said he's invited :eek::lachen:honestly i felt bad typing that out but seriously all he has to do is show up. i tried to involve him but it just pissed me off more. at one point he said he wasn't interested. that's men for you..they tell you straight up. he did help assemble the invitation boxes. :)
Click to expand...

Girl preach!! Once I axed my husband out of the planning, wedding planning was a lot less stressful. We agreed on the key things, other than that, dude your only job is to show up on time.
 
Congratulations !!
I know you are frustrated but you both have to let some things go and compromise.....the day will be beautiful anyway and it is much more important to start your marriage peacefully.

If you let him 'win' one or two things I reckon he will end up letting you have your way in the end lol
 
sj10460 said:
I want to wear a blush pink dress and I want him to wear white. His mother is very traditional and has voiced her unsolicited opinion in opposition of my color of dress.

Is his momma paying for the dress??? If not, she get's no say. My rule was no pay, no say. It's your day. Needless to say, we paid for our wedding on our own. Very little details were discussed with others because again, I didn't want others' opinions. Ok, I totally feel you on hubby's outfit. That was a point of contention for us. I lost the battle. This is maybe an area where you can compromise. Hubby was admandant about picking out his own stuff. I was not! (My hubby dresses super corny, I will be the first to admit that lol). I wanted him in a ivory dinner jacket with black lapel and black tuxedo pants. He ended up in a grey tux and looked amazing. Not what I envisioned, but he still looked yummy as I walked down the aisle.


I want a small wedding party, only 3 bridesmaids. He wants his two brothers, best friend, his close friend (former coworker) & two cousins.

Again compromise here. Your wedding party doesn't have to be the same amount, but 3 vs 6 may look a little odd. Can you add like 1 or 2 more to your list?

I wanna get married in the spring specifically in April but he wants a fall/winter wedding so it won't mess with his allergies :rolleyes:. His reasons for opposition- he wore white at his first wedding and it was in April. I totally get it but I've always wanted to get married in April. It's been my month of choice since I can remember. I really don't have a valid reason except it's what I want. I've always wanted to get married outdoors in the botanical gardens it's over budget.

hhhmmm... this is a tough one. I always wanted to get married in October. We went with an October and I was able to justify it because we met on 10/10/2010, got married 10/11/2015. This one maybe a tougher battle.

My really good friend manages a famous Caribbean band that's going to perform for the homey discount but I want a separate wedding singer for when I walk down the aisle. I hate that "here comes the bride" :look:
Once you settle on a budget you can go from there if the separate wedding singer is in the budget. Once you get that number down, some things that seemed important at first no longer are once you see how it effects the bottom line.

What we agree on, not much except to marry each other and in New York. We're both from the city, so that works wonderfully. Budget is the biggest issue. I truly think he has no idea how much a wedding cost. I think he wants to get married at the DOJ and call it a day. I don't feel like what I want is unreasonable and he can afford it. He's just being a cheap arse.:pyro:
Click to expand...

My husband was like that as well. I won the budget battle but in the end I did everything I could to make us stay in line with the budget. Sometimes you really have to put your foot down things and budget maybe one of them. Once you guys start getting quotes on how much stuff costs, he may come around but you may also have to scale back. And there goes that compromise word lol
 
Since you don't have an exact reason for wanting an April wedding, I think you should compromise on the timing. Do you not feel his allergies are serious enough not to get married in the spring? I wouldn't want him coughing and sneezing throughout the whole ceremony. And JMO, but I wouldn't want to do an outdoor wedding in April because the weather is still kinda dicey (I don't know about NY, but we did just get snow here in Boston on Monday). So if you have your heart set on having it outdoors, I would do mid to late summer when the weather is more stable. Again, JMO.

I agree that if his mother isn't paying for the dress, then her input is invalid. As far as the wedding party, you can have an uneven number if he really wants those people to be involved. Ours was slightly uneven because I had a junior bridesmaid (my SIL), but since the bridesmaids and groomsmen didn't walk out in pairs, it didn't matter anyway. Are you not having a MOH? That would bring it to 4 for you and 6 for him. Not as bad as 3/6 IMO.
 
You may both have to compromise to have your wedding. And if people aren't paying for stuff (yes, you future mother in law),their approval is not required.

I thought that you set the budget first then go out and look at the venues, food, etc.
 
Ms. Tarabotti said:
You may both have to compromise to have your wedding. And if people aren't paying for stuff (yes, you future mother in law),their approval is not required.

I thought that you set the budget first then go out and look at the venues, food, etc.
Click to expand...

we have a budget but nowhere I like fits in the budget. :lol: He told me that my father needs to come out of his pockets but my father isn't even invited.
 
FriscoGirl said:
In regards the number of groomsmen (6) vs bridesmaids (3)... Here's the compromise:

Maid of Honor - Bestman
Bridesmaid 2 - Groomsman 2
Bridesmaid 3 - Groomsman 3

Groomsman 4 - walks Mother of the Bride
Groomsman 5 & 6 - Ushers

Problem solved! You both get what you want!
Click to expand...

my stepfather will be walking with my mother. I don't want any Ushers.

Like, he seriously doesn't need all those people in our wedding. He has a sister and she hasn't expressed interest in being in the wedding but I know it's usually customary for one's sibling to be a part of their wedding. I don't want her as a bridesmaid either. I would be okay with his sister but she would have to walk opposite my brother.
I do want a flower girl, his daughter and my neice, they're the same age and about the same height. However depending on when we actually get married they might have to be axed. :look: I really don't want any kids allowed. He has a lot of cousins with children but he's on board with this. His reasons are purely financial.

With regards to his allergies, he gets them in the fall too. We go camping and hiking and he doesn't complain about his freaking allergies then so idc why he's using that as an excuse.

so jan is my birth month so no
feb is valentine so no
march I don't like
may is his birth month & mothers day so no
june is fathers day so no
november is turkey day so no
december is the kids bday & christmas so no

the only months where not much is going on is march, april, august, september & october. It snows in October so that's a no. And according to bridebox, March, April & November are the cheapest months to get married.
 
Serious question - Have you two done or will you do Premarital Counseling?

To hear of these issues on "compromise" and you're not married yet, it causes me to pause on how you guys will deal with bigger issues that will arise.

The wedding plans and day should be joyous. Not frustrating.
 
FriscoGirl said:
Serious question - Have you two done or will you do Premarital Counseling?

To hear of these issues on "compromise" and you're not married yet, it causes me to pause on how you guys will deal with bigger issues that will arise.

The wedding plans and day should be joyous. Not frustrating.
Click to expand...

It's frustrating because I want what I can't personally afford and he feels it's just one day. But I feel like he's lax because 1) he's a man and 2) because he's already been married before. I've been planning my wedding since I was 8 years old.
 
sj10460 said:

so jan is my birth month so no
feb is valentine so no
march I don't like
may is his birth month & mothers day so no
june is fathers day so no
november is turkey day so no
december is the kids bday & christmas so no.
Click to expand...

I confess that these restrictions seem capricious. I was married last year during my birth month (July) and the sky did not fall. Of course I barely celebrate birthdays so it's much like any other month to me. But I don't understand why you can't relax your expectations for these other self-imposed "events" to optimize flexibility for the single most important day of your life. Good lord, you'll have plenty of birthdays and turkey days whatever. But only one wedding day (hopefully).

Real talk, but your priorities seem off. If he's talking the same kind of talk, it's no wonder you can't reach agreement. Yall are focusing too much on yourselves and your own dogmatic preferences. Decide to relent on one or two things you know are important to him and maybe he'll follow suit for you. If he doesn't, then maybe take that as a sign that foregoing counseling is a bad move.

And if you can't relent, then maybe the problem isn't just with him.
 
I wouldn't do April - too many chances for rain in the Spring. I don't think one day (Father's Day) should exempt an entire month.

Everything else you should get. It's your first wedding his second. He should be the one compromising.

There are some beautiful places with gardens in New Rochelle and Pelham - or does it have to be in NYC proper?
 
((BIG HUG))

This sounds frustrating.
Is there an atrium or something similar in which you guys can get married? That way, you can keep it in April and still get the feel of being outdoors without the added stress of weather issues.

Also, is there a neutral third party you guys trust who can help you iron out these details?

Could you guys do both - marry at the JP and then have a ceremony at another time? That may help take some of the pressure off of "the big day" having to be perfect.

I wish you guys the best.
 
Big Hugs! Alot of good suggestions were made thus far and I do agree I think you two should have a unbias person come in and mediate...were you planning on using a day of coordinator or a wedding planner? Sometimes they can help the couple reach a compromise
 
@chronicity My language of love is receiving gifts and affirmation. I don't want any holiday or other event to overshadow my wedding and future anniversary. I get jipped outta xmas gifts cuz my bday is so close :look:
 
Okay, I get that, but I still think blocking out an entire month because of something like Fathers Day is excessive. Perhaps if this was the only thing yall couldn't agree on, my opinion on this would be different. But I can't blame your guy for balking at an April wedding, for the reasons you have. At least he has a medical condition as an excuse.

Also keep in mind your guests might not be too thrilled being outside in potentially chilly weather. April in NY is not exactly let's relax in the garden weather. Do you really want to worry about people shivering as you say your vows? There are practicalities to think about.

You mentioned love languages...what's your fiance's? It sounds like his are different from yours. If he's into acts of service, this could be a factor in y'all's inability to get on the same page. People with this orientation often find it hard to relate to people who need gifts to feel love, because they themselves don't need gifts. Rather, they respond to gestures of goodwill, care-taking, and helpfulness.

If he feels like you aren't taking his concerns seriously (like dismissing him when he brings up his allergies or acting like he's crazy to have the groomsmen he wants), then you're making it harder for him to feel generous towards you when it comes the budget and other things. So him feeling unloved comes with the cost of you feeling unloved. This is sad!

Unlike others in this thread, I don't think brides have carte blanch to dictate their weddings. I was thrilled that my husband was just as invested, if not more so, in how our big day turned out. It means he's not viewing this event as something to just appease you, rather it's something so special and important to him that he's formed strong opinions about how it goes. Respect this! Yes, that might mean you don't get the wedding you've always dreamed of. Yes, that means you can't control everything. If having those things means your husband looks back on that day with resentment, it's not worth it.
 
Last edited:
I've read over my post and I realize I'm coming across bratty. I can acknowledge that I need to be a little bit more flexible if I want him to give more. I'm seriously going to pray about it tonight.

For sure I'm getting married outdoors. I'm willing to consider August as it's further away and gives more time to save money.
 
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