Wavering... Needs Advice!

[LivingDol1]

Hi ladies,

I suppose I imagined that getting engaged was simpler than I imagined. My SO and I have always spoken about moving our relationship in the direction of marriage. Engagement, marriage, moving in together, and living out our lives... on the opposite coast(his family is there and his job will lead him there in time)

We had been having annoying disagreements in the last 2 weeks without a real resolution. We spoke last week for 3 hours about these small arguments and came to some resolutions and learned some facts about each other and how we felt during these spats. It was very productive.

I'm confident that we can overcome these things. I told him that I wanted to focus on just enjoying each other and put engagement conversations on hold for now. He then tells me that he "doesn't want to scare me" and that he loves me very much but that b/c of our small disagreements, he is nervous about proposing or putting me in a position to give up what I'm familiar with... He says he feels pressure.

I hear him but I felt hurt. I told him that my greatest fear was that we'd go on in our relationship and be happy for now but then we would break up because he would choose to move without proposing. It's his choice on when (or if) to propose.

He says I shouldn't worry. An engagement could happen sooner.. or as we discussed... or later than the fact. Moving was always a decision we would make together.

I don't know if I can just hold out and wait until he's comfortable. I know that no relationship is perfect and that we are very good together. We balance each other out.

Should I tell him how I feel? Or just let some time pass and enjoy our time together? I don't want to give an ultimatum. But I don't want to be stuck waiting around either. If this doesn't work out, I will have other life plans. Thoughts??? Any married ladies ever been in this situation?

thanks. and sorry this is long.

 

[hopeful]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Just wanted to give you a (((hug))) and wish you the best. I have a lot of thoughts but not sure how much to write so I will wait a bit and see what others say first.

 

[LiftedUp]

I am not married. However, if my bf pulls a stunt like this I would be so upset! I was upset just reading your post!

Over the years I have realized that men are not the most open in sharing their feelings, therefore, the little that they share, make very good use of it. Imo, your bf is talking the truth about his feelings and what is going on in his head. Take it as face value. Do not internalize it as if it's a woman telling you this. Your man is telling you that:

he is nervous about proposing or putting me in a position to give up what I'm familiar with... He says he feels pressure.

Take it literally.

I'm not saying to break-up with him, but if I were you I'd work on "expanding" my options. I would revamp my "that girl" x 100, start testing the waters, building contacts and putting myself out there. He's dangling an engagement ring over your head and it shouldn't be like that.

Also, if he does pop the question, I think that pre-marital counselling is imperative.

All the best

 

[ladysaraii]

You know, I was reading something recently (and I can't for the love of me remember where) bit they talked about how if a man feels nervous and unsure, you should figure out the relationship level that he was sure about and take it back there. If that was the dating phase, take it there. But completely there. And then let him take it forward as he's ready. But you're doing you in the meantime.

 

[Foxglove]

It sounds like communication is a big part of your problem (the build up of a ton of small arguments and not being able to come to a resolution which is leading to both of you being frustrated)
I would recommend counseling to work on this because if you guys go on to get married it will continue to be a serious problem

 

[luckiestdestiny]

It depends on your age and how long you've been together and why. I'm thinking of this from working for a prominent matchmaker previously. You don't let a man drag you on. I don't let men feel "unsure" about me. .

Unless you're still in school, etc and you are of a marriageable age: I'd call his bluff and mean it. He may want to drag it on and waste time with you (until he finds the one he will marry). OR he's just having a wimp moment. Or you are incompatible. This will determine everything (calling his bluff). When I say call it, I say do it without hoping to stay together, do it for your sense of dignity. If he's not sure, you're not sure anymore. It's that simple. I'd say, "I thought about what you said and it occurred to me that I don't want to be with someone who isn't sure about me. So I think it's best that we are friends for now. If it's meant to be we'll get back together when you know what you want...if I'm still interested of course because I can't guarantee that as time will tell. That way we can move on towards our goals and see other people."


He may leave forever (gasp).. It may seem like the end of the world (but you'll get over it and he isn't meant to be). Or he may realize he's being a complete jerk and needs to get his ish together ad man up before a good thing leaves for good. With that said, he may be on to something. Maybe you aren't meant to be? I'm not sure how your dynamic is. Maybe it's in the back of his head. But whatever the reason he isn't ready to pull the trigger so you need to pull out and move on with your life. If it's meant to be he will work it out with you.

Either way you will be fine. And for goodness sakes start getting ready for dating.

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

Are the disagreements really small if they are causing him to be worried about proposing? Small disagreements wouldn't make me question whether I wanted to marry somebody or not so maybe you guys can dig deeper and see what going on? Seems to me like you guys have more to discuss

 

[PeaceFlow]

Difficult situation.

I noticed that you were the first one to suggest putting engagement plans on hold and enjoying living in the moment. Even though you call them minor disagreements there must be a reason both of you brought up the idea of relieving some pressure off the relationship in regards to marriage?

I think you both need to talk and be open and authentic with each other. He needs to speak for himself properly as I feel what he said is tiptoeing a bit around the real issue. Then you can make your decision from there.

 

[Layluh]

Op whether he knows it or not he's being manipulative and dangling marriage in front of your face.

call his bluff, just like the previous poster said. You can't waste time with an indecisive dude. They'll just keep wasting your time in various ways.

 

[sunnydaze]

I believe your SO saying he is feeling pressure, after all, you are the one who would be completely uprooting your life and move across the country for him. Like you said, he has family there and eventual employment, this move is likely big for him, but huge for you. I am sure he is aware of that and knows this relationship needs to be right to warrant such dramatic changes in your life.

-I definitely would not move w/o an engagement ring on my finger (I personally would not move w/o a wedding ring on my finger, but that's not the point).

-I imagine you two spend a lot of time together, fall back from that a bit. Start spending time with other people (whether that means dating, hanging with girlfriends, family, hobbies) and focus on your own fulfillment for a while. Don't drop off the face of the earth, but find other things to do than to ponder his feelings, his needs, his timelines and think about yours. The distance will give you a bit more perspective and time to reflect on what it is you really want for your life and him as well.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

You don't have to share if you don't want to but reevaluate what you are describing as an "annoying disagreement" because it sounds like what you are downplaying is actually quite serious to him. If it is serious enough to him (or a potential deal breaker) then as hard as it is you need to respect that and deal with it head on. You can't fix what you don't address but be prepared that this may not end the way you want.

So many things factor into what I'd advise - your age, how long you've been dating but in general unless there is an outside reason for you to move to west coast (like you're going to a specific grad school) I'm on team you bet not move cross country without a wedding ring on.

Men do things without hesitation when they want to. He's hemming and hawing for a reason. Don't fight the potential red flags because it goes against what you want.

 

[LivingDol1]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I'm overseas right now on business so we have had some time apart but are still talking. We spoke on skype and he says he felt really good about our conversation and he feels like we are in a great place. He's been very sweet and hey, maybe he misses me not being around. I still feel like I have this concern over my head that we have to discuss. I'll probably wait until I see him in person. But yes, I do plan to fall back on seeing him each weekend and spend more time on myself.

My birthday is coming up and we have plans for that. We also have a trip to the west coast planned.

I think ahead about my life. He does as well but he questions himself more than I do. I just need to sort it out so I can figure out which way I'm going. There are other aspects of my life I'm not content with at the moment. It sucks bc I haven't felt more secure in a relationship before and we both get along with eachother's families... Its so difficult

 

[lux10023]

let him miss you a bit and please focus on you....when your inner is happy and content it settles everything with your mind and spirit..yes you've been with him for a minute and yes the families love you guys and etc but just make sure your happy and put you first!!!!

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I'm overseas right now on business so we have had some time apart but are still talking. We spoke on skype and he says he felt really good about our conversation and he feels like we are in a great place. He's been very sweet and hey, maybe he misses me not being around. I still feel like I have this concern over my head that we have to discuss. I'll probably wait until I see him in person. But yes, I do plan to fall back on seeing him each weekend and spend more time on myself.

My birthday is coming up and we have plans for that. We also have a trip to the west coast planned.

I think ahead about my life. He does as well but he questions himself more than I do. I just need to sort it out so I can figure out which way I'm going. There are other aspects of my life I'm not content with at the moment. It sucks bc I haven't felt more secure in a relationship before and we both get along with eachother's families... Its so difficult

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Getting engaged is simple. It's the after that can be difficult if both parties aren't on the same page.
It reads like you may need some pre-martial counseling, presuming he does propose. Learning how to deal with conflict is an important part of marriage.