Was I wrong?!?!

[itismehmmkay]

...Wisdom comes in being strong enough and discerning enough to detach from people and relationships that are no longer serving us. Not every relationship is meant to last forever.

...Perhaps time alone is what you need to re-center and gather your thoughts...and to realize that PEACE is better than a PERSON.

...Yes, it will hurt like hell for a season, but you WILL come out bigger, better, and stronger if you commit to not allowing anything that does not serve the process of personal growth to get in the way.

...On a practical note, I'd highly recommend journaling...get those thoughts OUT. Your mind can play tricks on you and send you in circles when you bottle things up.

Loved the entire post, especially the above key notes

 

[ChocalateDiva]

All I can say is..........DANG!!!

 

[sky_blu]

Mayn if you have to sneak in his phone and look through his stuff because you have trust issues with him then theres your answer right there. Thats just too much damn work to be in a relationship. He should be freely giving information and be honest. Let him go and save 2.5 more years. I aint bout that (yeah you read that part right)

 

[drasgrl]

Next! Find you a man that doesn't watch porn that will respect you and be honest with you. They are out there.

 

[poookie]

he looks at porn, and you have a problem with that
he has too many female friends that he hasn't introduced you to, and you have a problem with that
he boinked one of the chicks in question... TOLD you flat out...

and you're even considering going back to him???

and even worse, you feel that you have something to feel GUILTY about?

nooooooooooooooooo!!!!

i hopehopeHOPE that you come to your senses, and leave his jerkin jerk self behind ALONE. he is WORTHLESS, and clearly does not have your best interests... or any of your interests for that matter, at heart.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

why should it bother you if he calls? its over and he shouldnt even be texting you. you can stay with him if you want but remember, your education is #1 and dont let this drama get in the way.

 

[Encore]

**deleted**

thank you come again!

 

[Encore]

When a man shows you who he is, believe him...the first time.

I understand that moving on feels next to impossible...you have memories, history, and the familiarity of a man who you've spent time with.

HOWEVER, you have to understand that when you are moving in the wrong direction - when you are ignoring red flags, rationalizing warning signs, and turning a blind eye to plain old bad behavior - life has a funny way of forcing you to make the change you know you've needed to make all along. Wisdom comes in being strong enough and discerning enough to detach from people and relationships that are no longer serving us. Not every relationship is meant to last forever.

Consider what your life will look like a year from now with this man it. Now consider it without him in it. Which situation, honestly, do you believe gives you the best chance to succeed at being the most accomplished, happy, and peaceful nOt Pocahontas??? It is far better to be alone than in the wrong company. Negative people will tear you down amidst their own destruction, and as you have witnessed, this is a man who will self-destruct if you give him enough time and enough to rope to hang himself.

Do you honestly think that a healthy & sturdy relationship is possible with this man? As a previous poster mentioned, when we have radically different value systems from a significant other, it borders on being impossible to bridge the gap. Relationships and marriages can present their own challenges, even when the 2 people are compatible and are both emotionally healthy. You're losing battles AND the war when you agree to engage yourself in an unhealthy bond with a person who lacks integrity.

I always say that one (fill in positive trait here) person deserves another. So, if you are honest, caring, attentive, and mature, why would you dare cast your pearls before swine by investing time and energy with this man? You have been deluded into thinking that ANY of this is your fault when the issue is clearly his. You can not internalize his issues and then make attempts at solving. Like he said, you can not change him. Understand that your inability to change him is NOT a reflection of you. You have not failed by not being able to force a grown man to choose to love and respect you.

No thought lives in your mind rent free...so decide now how you will proceed. Set the pace. If you are determined to get past it, you will. Plain and simple. If, however, you listen to the unwise friend who advised that you re-enter this poor situation, you will likely find yourself in this same situation 6 months from now...or heck maybe even 6 days from now. Perhaps time alone is what you need to re-center and gather your thoughts...and to realize that PEACE is better than a PERSON.

Forgive my extra long post; I'll say this last thing and be done. Know that no winter lasts forever and no spring skips its turn. By that I mean this too shall pass. Yes, it will hurt like hell for a season, but you WILL come out bigger, better, and stronger if you commit to not allowing anything that does not serve the process of personal growth to get in the way.

On a practical note, I'd highly recommend journaling...get those thoughts OUT. Your mind can play tricks on you and send you in circles when you bottle things up.

Good luck!

well put and i cant agree more. i finally opened up to my friends because they been saying i look sad and im not acting myself. i kept alot in and i realized it was eating away at me. I know ill be okay in time because i honestly can not bare another minute of it i felt like my sanity and my school work were beginning to get compromised. I started to bury myself in my school work and my hair..lol... i stopped crying just out of pure fustration an hurt. im taking it one day at a time and just keeping busy and this too shall pass.

 

[Dark&Lovley]

No u were not wrong & this is what I would do

 

[TwoKaylas]

Sounds like you've invested a lot in this relationship. I don't think you were wrong at all. Relationships are founded on trust. Brotha's throwing up too many red flags. Don't override your intuition. ITA w/ NClady... if it were one of your girls, what would you tell her? Men are just like children, they'll only go as far as you let them. What going on is causing you too much stress and if he's not willing to listen w/ an understanding ear and change/compromise, then you have to ask yourself if he really cares and values you. All that "I'm grown and I don't question you" crap is just a diversion to keep the focus off of what he's doing ('cause he knows he's wrong).

 

[Divine Inspiration]

well put and i cant agree more. i finally opened up to my friends because they been saying i look sad and im not acting myself. i kept alot in and i realized it was eating away at me. I know ill be okay in time because i honestly can not bare another minute of it i felt like my sanity and my school work were beginning to get compromised. I started to bury myself in my school work and my hair..lol... i stopped crying just out of pure fustration an hurt. im taking it one day at a time and just keeping busy and this too shall pass.

YES!!! That's the attitude to have. You can choose to be bigger than this situation. But PLEASE be aware and be vigilant...do not "sleep"...because when you start to make progress, he will likely pop up out of nowhere...and when you "think" you've got it under control, something will happen to try to unravel all that you've sewn together.

So, stay focused on your goals, repeat positive affirmations if necessary, and take care of YOU.

And remember that it's ok to cry...it hurts. You're HUMAN...and you feel. As long as you are able to keep your mourning and grief in perspective with the hope of your future, you will be fine.

All the best to you!

 

[Evolving78]

don't compromise yourself or your feelings. his mind, body, and spirit is somewhere else and you clearly don't fit into that picture. run while you can.

 

[letitgrow0702]

I think the below says it all. He is telling you that he is not going to change.

he is a man and it is in his blood and he will not stop watching porn and im too insecure.....he says that i need to trust him and that he is grown and i am not his momma to be checking up on him like that. (I mean...i neverrrr did that before only because my intuition is tellin me something and so i went looking for answers.)

 

[Encore]

thank you all and i believe i am making progress in building myself back up again!!
you ladies are all wonderful !!

 

[Taliah]

Yes, I think you were wrong. You should have never said anything about it. You made it a big deal when it was really nothing. Notice how his behavior got worst after you mentioned your disappointment. Men are childlike. They do things to make you crazy once they know it irritates you. It's a form of contol. Men don't like woman they can control by behaving a certain way. It makes you look insecure and out of contol.

 

[Irresistible]

Yes, I think you were wrong. You should have never said anything about it. You made it a big deal when it was really nothing. Notice how his behavior got worst after you mentioned your disappointment. Men are childlike. They do things to make you crazy once they know it irritates you. It's a form of contol. Men don't like woman they can control by behaving a certain way. It makes you look insecure and out of contol.

This comment is so left field

just because men act like kids , doesnt mean we should join them. We have to respect our own boundaries and feelings even when they wont

 

[LadyKaypnyc]

All the signs are there...aside from the porn, the GIRLFRIEND issue is suspect. I say go with your intuition. If they are just friends, you would have met her by now, and he wouldn't be hiding them and making excuses about calling her.

Go with your gut.

 

[Encore]

Yes, I think you were wrong. You should have never said anything about it. You made it a big deal when it was really nothing. Notice how his behavior got worst after you mentioned your disappointment. Men are childlike. They do things to make you crazy once they know it irritates you. It's a form of contol. Men don't like woman they can control by behaving a certain way. It makes you look insecure and out of contol.

you sound like the kind of girl hat gets walked on and played because you DONT open your mouth. his behavior got worse which indicated i was on something no one makes you crazy, YOU control how YOU react. Seriously what rock did you crawl out of.. like that comment was so out there i was jus surprised when i read it. SMDH
have a nice dayeace_sm:



UPDATE: we are talking now as friends and he is trying to prove to me he would do anything to change...he got rid of the girls...gave me all the PW's ( i didnt even ask) and poor thing is distressed. i keep him at arms length though i told him im not ready and he said thats fine and he will wait ...i dunno tho

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

y


UPDATE: we are talking now as friends and he is trying to prove to me he would do anything to change...he got rid of the girls...gave me all the PW's ( i didnt even ask) and poor thing is distressed. i keep him at arms length though i told him im not ready and he said thats fine and he will wait ...i dunno tho

Keep him at arm's length and keep it even further from your heart. He is gaming until he thinks he's safe again.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

UPDATE: we are talking now as friends and he is trying to prove to me he would do anything to change...he got rid of the girls...gave me all the PW's ( i didnt even ask) and poor thing is distressed. i keep him at arms length though i told him im not ready and he said thats fine and he will wait ...i dunno tho

NOOOOOOO!!!! He will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear to get you back where he wants you. Manipulators will withhold love and affection until you get fed up and then tell you eeeeverything you've ever wanted to here and give you the world just enough to reel you in. If he were truly that into you, he would have never said and done all of that to begin with. Yes, people make mistakes, but these are issues of his CHARACTER.

I would not have any contact with him for AT LEAST 60 days...you need time to put things into perspective and let the dust settle...and even after that, the "friendship" would be super breezy. I wouldn't even want a friend who messed over me like that. But if he is sincere, he will still be there after you've sorted this out on your own terms.

 

[Taliah]

you sound like the kind of girl hat gets walked on and played because you DONT open your mouth. his behavior got worse which indicated i was on something no one makes you crazy, YOU control how YOU react. Seriously what rock did you crawl out of.. like that comment was so out there i was jus surprised when i read it. SMDH
have a nice dayeace_sm:

LMAO. Many ladies may not take my advice as being helpful but I promise it's real talk. It doesn't resonant because I am speaking from a male perspective. Ask your man and I bet he'll agree. I don't get walked over but I do pick my battles and this seemed like a petty one to me.
BTW, he's clearly still in control of you and your emotions (he gave you passwords c'mon what man does that, that is game) you already showed him your achilles heel and when you get back with him as soon as he's tired or bored he'll let you know by making sure you see petty text messages and him watching porn. Then you'll get all crazy and play yourself again. If you wanted to teach him a lesson then you should have kept the issue first which is trust, you don't him. It's not really about the porn or texting. I was actually giving you honest talk and being helpful.

 

[Encore]

mhmkay. point seen. Taliah truce

D.I. i have had other friends tell me the same he does seem sincere but im not making a decision till Dec. i am finally enjoying myself and focusing on school more. It's nice to finally sleep through the not and worry anymore..i dont miss it AT ALLL

 

[Kerryann]

What is the outcome of this situation

 

[song_of_serenity]

^^ OP changed her original post so I'm thinking maybe she realized...things...