Unrequited Love: Who's Been There?

[cocoberry10]

I just left the relationship, told him we need a break...that he needs to figure out if he wants to treat me with love and fairness, or if he want to live for himself alone. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's hard because I never imagined our relationship would come to this, but it was for the best. He has some great qualities, that coupled with a loving and giving spirit would make him such a wonderful person to be with. So I pray for not just myself, but for him...that he learns how to truly love someone else. Life is love, loving is life.

Oooooooh this is soooooooooooooooo true!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[cocoberry10]

Reading all of your stories really has me heated! I couldnt help but notice a pattern in many of the stories. Female has her life on this path and encounters a man who she isnt initially interested in. Man pursues and the woman lets down her guard and catches genuine feelings exposing her body, mind, soul, etc. For some inexplicable reason Man becomes different and distant and now the woman becomes the pursuer. Man leaves......And in some cases when the Woman got herself together and continued on, here comes the Man again wanting to rekindle some flames.
Thank you for sharing your personal stories. I didnt vote that I've been a victim of unrequited love but I've had a couple of terrible relationships that have left me devestated.
*Hugs to all*

Pretty sad, huh???

 

[NYAmicas]

Pretty sad, huh???

Yeah!
What gives? Makes you feel,lol.

 

[gone_fishing]

In the 8th grade. I once loved this boy named Todd Randall. He never gave me the time of day but he was always very friendly.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Reading all of your stories really has me heated! I couldnt help but notice a pattern in many of the stories. Female has her life on this path and encounters a man who she isnt initially interested in. Man pursues and the woman lets down her guard and catches genuine feelings exposing her body, mind, soul, etc. For some inexplicable reason Man becomes different and distant and now the woman becomes the pursuer. Man leaves......And in some cases when the Woman got herself together and continued on, here comes the Man again wanting to rekindle some flames.
Thank you for sharing your personal stories. I didnt vote that I've been a victim of unrequited love but I've had a couple of terrible relationships that have left me devestated.
*Hugs to all*

Yep! That's usually how it is...

That's why these days I'm just going to play it cool from now on until I see some REAL outward signs that a guy is interested in me. I'll be nice and cordial, and may even joke with the guy, but I won't be fawning all over him or acting pressed like I once did. No way. Never again!

Seems like most guys/men like the "chase", even if they don't like to admit it. They don't like what comes "easy" to them. I mean...who does really?? Who really values something that comes TOO easy??

But sometimes it's good that some of these guys have rejected us. They probably weren't good for us anyway. It just leaves room for the men who really ARE good for us. When one door closes, another one always opens.

Read "WMLB" by Sherry Argov, and it will give some really good advice with dealing with men and not acting pressed for them. lol* It's a riot of a book!

 

[ladytq]

I so happy that I stumbled onto this thread. I'm totally going through this right now.

I really feel you ladies about the pain. Long story short, he was all into me and then with no explanation just dropped me like a hot potato. The hardest part is that he won't talk to me or tell what in world I did or what happened. BTW we never were physically intimate but very emotionally involved. I felt like someone stab me in the heart and left the knife there. I'm still tripping, because I can't believe he doesn't have the deceny to give me any closure. I never thought he could be so cold. The worst part I gained 15 pound on top of the 15 pound I needed to lose.

 

[NYAmicas]

Yep! That's usually how it is...

That's why these days I'm just going to play it cool from now on until I see some REAL outward signs that a guy is interested in me. I'll be nice and cordial, and may even joke with the guy, but I won't be fawning all over him or acting pressed like I once did. No way. Never again!

Seems like most guys/men like the "chase", even if they don't like to admit it. They don't like what comes "easy" to them. I mean...who does really?? Who really values something that comes TOO easy??

But sometimes it's good that some of these guys have rejected us. They probably weren't good for us anyway. It just leaves room for the men who really ARE good for us. When one door closes, another one always opens.

Read "WMLB" by Sherry Argov, and it will give some really good advice with dealing with men and not acting pressed for them. lol* It's a riot of a book!

Thank you for the book recommendation!

 

[NYAmicas]

I so happy that I stumbled onto this thread. I'm totally going through this right now.

I really feel you ladies about the pain. Long story short, he was all into me and then with no explanation just dropped me like a hot potato. The hardest part is that he won't talk to me or tell what in world I did or what happened. BTW we never were physically intimate but very emotionally involved. I felt like someone stab me in the heart and left the knife there. I'm still tripping, because I can't believe he doesn't have the deceny to give me any closure. I never thought he could be so cold. The worst part I gained 15 pound on top of the 15 pound I needed to lose.

Sorry you're going through this. I think this thread is a good way for us to share our experiences. It's mind boggling how a man can affect your heart and walk away like it was nothing.

 

[ryanshope]

Wow..I have been the victim and the prepertrator....it isn't easy on either side of the fence. As I have gotten older, and dealt with geniune loss in my life, I am definitely more reflective on love/intimate relationships.

 

[Studio_gal]

I so happy that I stumbled onto this thread. I'm totally going through this right now.

I really feel you ladies about the pain. Long story short, he was all into me and then with no explanation just dropped me like a hot potato. The hardest part is that he won't talk to me or tell what in world I did or what happened. BTW we never were physically intimate but very emotionally involved. I felt like someone stab me in the heart and left the knife there. I'm still tripping, because I can't believe he doesn't have the deceny to give me any closure. I never thought he could be so cold. The worst part I gained 15 pound on top of the 15 pound I needed to lose.

I could have written this.
I initially wasn't attracted to him, but he won me over, pursued me sent me flowers and gifts (long distance relationship), called everynight etc. I was just a game to him. I fell in love with him.
The way I was dropped and then ignored once we got intimatewas the worst thing ever. No explanations. It sent me temporarily crazy (I kept a diary at the time and when I read it now I know my mind wasn't right). I was too depressed to get out of bed, or eat. My home was a mess. I couldn't rationalise how someone could tell you they love you, then just walk away. Took me a while to work out he never did.

 

[ladytq]

I could have written this.
I initially wasn't attracted to him, but he won me over, pursued me sent me flowers and gifts (long distance relationship), called everynight etc. I was just a game to him. I fell in love with him.
The way I was dropped and then ignored once we got intimatewas the worst thing ever. No explanations. It sent me temporarily crazy (I kept a diary at the time and when I read it now I know my mind wasn't right). I was too depressed to get out of bed, or eat. My home was a mess. I couldn't rationalise how someone could tell you they love you, then just walk away. Took me a while to work out he never did.

I'm doing better. I still got that WTH happen goin on, but I keep on doing me. Its so funny because dude lived out the country, so it was a long distant friendship too or whatever the heck you want to call it.

Thank for sharing

 

[ElizaBlue]

I need help. I broke up with him and then I realized I was in love. Now he won't talk to me, email me or anything. I feel like I just won the lottery and lost the damn ticket. This hurts like nobody's business.

 

[miss Congeniality]

I feel this has always been the case for me. I am a very passionate person and when I fall in love, I fall deep. I've learned a few life leason and now I am more protective of who I let in. For the longest I would reply Robin Thicke's I need love over and over again.

 

[BK Bombshell]

I need help. I broke up with him and then I realized I was in love. Now he won't talk to me, email me or anything. I feel like I just won the lottery and lost the damn ticket. This hurts like nobody's business.

I don't know why you broke up with him, but if you've changed your mind and you let him know that, there's not much more you can do unfortunately. Give him some time; maybe he's really hurting too and just can't speak to you right now. Maybe his pride is wounded and he's ignoring you out of spite. I don't know what he's thinking, but if I was in his shoes, I'd let you twist in the wind for a while just to make sure that you really wanted to be with me. Look at it from his perspective: You just broke up with me and now you want me to come running back? Why? So you can do it again?

No one likes to be on an emotional rollercoaster so please think long and hard about whether you really want him back and how far you're willing to go to make it happen. Also, is the reason why you broke up with him been resolved because if it hasn't, it will pop up again in the future and you'll be back to square one.

Good luck!

 

[exarreca]

I felt the same way.

I'm listening to Amy Winehouse right now and the song that discribes exactly how I felt when this man would come over night after night out enjoying himself and gleefully telling me about it is "I Wake Up Alone". Check it on youtube and listen to the lyrics.

After our night of passion, he never stayed. He always left. Never wanted to spend any time with me other than in the sheets and in the dark. I always felt alone when he was around and when he left, there was always a void there in my heart. The funny thing is I KNEW he wasn't right for me and would only hurt me three months in. I knew he didn't want anything serious. But foolishly I kept hoping and thinking that after my last bad breakup, this couldn't possibly happen again.

I could feel the pain physically like a stomach ache in my chest. It was powerful and overwhelming. That man had 4 years of ruling over my heart. I did some crazy arse sh!t over him. I'm over him now but the void remains and trusting someone else with my heart may never come to past. When I think back on it and when I hear that song, I always cry, always.

I fear that if someone were to come into my life and really truly love me, I'd mess it up. To me, someone actually loving ME and wanting to be with ME is unbelivable. It's like winning the 500 million dollar jackpot. Something like that would just never happen.

Wow, this is all too familiar to me as I am experiencing it right now! This man found out that I was no longer with my DH and he expressed an interest in me through a co-worker. He bugged her about me until she introduced us. I said I had no interest in him and was cold every time he'd call or stop by. This went on for a few months. Slowly I started to let my guard down because he was always so sincere and forthright. It took 8 months for us to become intimate and I cut every dude out of my life to make room for him. It is going on a year and a half and I only spend time with him on lunch breaks (He likes day loving) and no other time. Twice I have seen him at night and that was b/c I happened to run into him at a club. He has never been to my place or even expressed an interest in coming over. He doesn't call, rarely stops by my office and I am in constant heartache; berating myself for letting him in. What took the cake is when I asked how he felt about me. I just knew he was going to say something great b/c he showers me with compliments ever time he sees me. He said, I am a nice lady and a great co-worker but as far as anything else goes....he isn't ready for a serious relationship with me. I was floored. A nice lady!!! He has 2 kids, from 2 one night stands (both said they were on some BC, he was stupid for falling for that old trick) and several other failed relationships (said they all cheated and one was like the Usher/R. Kelly "same girl" song) and this makes him hesitant about women. He says I treat him better than any woman he has ever been with, yet I am being punished because of things that other women did.

All I can do is pray that he is healed from his emotional hell and hopefully I can get a blessing by finding someone who wants the love I have and can give it back.
I want to sit and talk to him and tell him where I am at and that I have to leave him alone for my own sanity, but even thinking about what i want to say has me ready to cry. So I am going to give it a week and try to get it together.

 

[AmilLion]

I had a situation years ago which is almost reminiscent of a recent one I had. The guy pursued me and I finally gave in. He would always come to see me, call me everyday and we shared a lot together. I started developing feelings for him and I know he had feelings for me. But then I started feeling like my love was unrequited. He knew he didn't deserve me and I was great to him. Finally, one day he told me he was in love with someone else. I told him, if you love someone else, why do you call and want to see me everyday? Why is it that you want me to be there by your side and support you unconditionally? Til this day, I don't know if he was telling the truth or said that to hurt me.

He's tried contacting me since then, but I never checked for him again. I had no desire.

 

[JewelleNY]

Add me to the list. I had unrequited love a while back and was out of it for several years. When I love I love hard. I remember that all I wanted to do was be unconscious so I wouldn't feel the pain

Now I really was feeling this guy for a few years and found out today that he asked me co-worker out which really hurt. I don't like many guys and I just don't know where to go from here

 

[ElizaBlue]

I don't know why you broke up with him, but if you've changed your mind and you let him know that, there's not much more you can do unfortunately. Give him some time; maybe he's really hurting too and just can't speak to you right now. Maybe his pride is wounded and he's ignoring you out of spite. I don't know what he's thinking, but if I was in his shoes, I'd let you twist in the wind for a while just to make sure that you really wanted to be with me. Look at it from his perspective: You just broke up with me and now you want me to come running back? Why? So you can do it again?

No one likes to be on an emotional rollercoaster so please think long and hard about whether you really want him back and how far you're willing to go to make it happen. Also, is the reason why you broke up with him been resolved because if it hasn't, it will pop up again in the future and you'll be back to square one.

Good luck!

I broke up with him because he was addicted to internet dating sites and sex sites. I have since found out that he doesn't actually do anything just initiate and then nothing. I actually hacked into well let me say found a way to view him on his web cam. And there he was sitting back on his bed with the computer up and running while he was looking at tv. He would glance over at the screen every now and then but other than that nothing.

So while I was thinking that he was hungrily looking and busily typing he basically does nothing. I think he was probably in a chat room listening to everyone else talk. Once before a long time ago a guy tried to get me to listen to one of these chats and it sounded like just babel. But this is what this guy did for fun.

My ex in definitely an introvert. Never does or goes anywhere. Everyone talked about how when he met me they couldn't believe he actually went on a vacation. Anyway. I go over to his house and confront him about what I thought was then a different type of activity and told him that if he didn't agree to go to counseling I was leaving. He was like...did you need some help getting your stuff to your car. So so cold.

Since then he acts like I don't exist. I still think his interest is a bit more than normal but he doesn't actually act on it and when I was there with him he never did it. I don't know I just want to move on.

 

[LittleGirlBlue]

My heart goes out to each and everyone who has experienced this.

Unfortunately, I'm an expert at this. Starting with my father. Not romantically, but it hurts just the same or more. I know there are those out there who can relate.

Romantically, it's the only scenario I've experienced. I've never had a boyfriend, and I've only managed to attract men who think I'm nice, or a great person, or whatever, but never want to be serious with me. I've even dated a guy for 2 years. 2 Years?! How the heck does that happen? (I don't know how it happened- he had me dazed and confused, but I know for sure It'll never happen again!!)
It doesn't sound that hard to me: 2 people meeting, getting to know each other, liking each other, and progressing in a relationship. But for some reason, it continues to elude me. I'm dying to experience a romantic relationship with a man. If God would just let me know what I'm doing wrong, I'd never do it again.

I know that each experience adds to my learning experiences and allows for me to grow, but the pain is sometimes too much to bear.

I'm at a place now where I'm really trying (really, really trying erplexed) to be happy With myself (not by myself) and keep in mind that I always have everything I'll ever need in myself and God.

 

[ALWAYZL8]

What is the cure? How do you get over it? I've liked a guy for over two years. My co-workers told him I was interested without my knowledge. I was told that he said he liked me. He said he would contact me, but I saw him today and he said nothing. How am I supposed to let it go? I was fine until they told me he would be contacting me. Now I am losing my mind. What went wrong? How do I move on?

 

[ElizaBlue]

What is the cure? How do you get over it? I've liked a guy for over two years. My co-workers told him I was interested without my knowledge. I was told that he said he liked me. He said he would contact me, but I saw him today and he said nothing. How am I supposed to let it go? I was fine until they told me he would be contacting me. Now I am losing my mind. What went wrong? How do I move on?

Well...in my observation....couple of things. One you are sitting behind a desk not in a cubicle so he may feel you have some level of power maybe higher than him and that is intimidating to some guys. You are very pretty, so again while guys value this they also are afraid of rejection and I have learned first hand they will resort to an ugly chick because they think that somehow increases their chances of success with getting with her. And last but not least I noticed you are a Leo, the sun sign and one who knows what she wants. That is probably vibrating off you and again...intimidation could have just bound his tongue.

You don't want to make the first move and actually say anything because if he is feeling that way that may just reinforce his feeling like he cannot step to you directly. Just smile at him and look away when you see him. But keep smiling (read this as bashful).

I know it sounds corny but I've read quite a bit on this and when someone stares a male straight in the eye it means either they are getting ready to attack/challenge or easy sex (which is in itself a form of higher power)...you don't want him interpreting either that way.

The theory goes on to say that when a woman meets a man she should turn her head slightly to the side such that the neck is available, again not looking him directly in the eyes. The bearing of the neck area/throat is in the very primitive sense telling him that you have conceded to be the submissive one and will not pose a threat or challenge to him. You will see animals do this during mating season. It is a sign of you letting him know you are vunerable to him.

Believe me ladies, don't beat me up on this, it's true. Men don't want women whom they feel will present a challenge in terms of her vs. his manhood. I am a Leo and a LEO so trust when I say, I have to go to great lengths to make a guy understand that at home when the lights go off, I want a man and have no desire to be one.

I get so tired of guys telling me oh I know you'll just kick my *** or shoot me if I piss you off. And sadly every man I've ever lost was to some homely chick that spoke in a whisper and made biscuits from scratch. Dang....I'da made him some biscuits.

 

[ALWAYZL8]

Thanks, Eliza! Your post was very insightful. I've decided to just chill for If I see him this weekend at homecoming, I'm going to speak to him and ask him what's up. My boss told me that he is worried about the whole work ethic issues. She told me to e-mail him from my personal address and see what happens from there.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

Been there and I'm back here again

 

[ChasingBliss]

Well...in my observation....couple of things. One you are sitting behind a desk not in a cubicle so he may feel you have some level of power maybe higher than him and that is intimidating to some guys. You are very pretty, so again while guys value this they also are afraid of rejection and I have learned first hand they will resort to an ugly chick because they think that somehow increases their chances of success with getting with her. And last but not least I noticed you are a Leo, the sun sign and one who knows what she wants. That is probably vibrating off you and again...intimidation could have just bound his tongue.

You don't want to make the first move and actually say anything because if he is feeling that way that may just reinforce his feeling like he cannot step to you directly. Just smile at him and look away when you see him. But keep smiling (read this as bashful).

I know it sounds corny but I've read quite a bit on this and when someone stares a male straight in the eye it means either they are getting ready to attack/challenge or easy sex (which is in itself a form of higher power)...you don't want him interpreting either that way.

The theory goes on to say that when a woman meets a man she should turn her head slightly to the side such that the neck is available, again not looking him directly in the eyes. The bearing of the neck area/throat is in the very primitive sense telling him that you have conceded to be the submissive one and will not pose a threat or challenge to him. You will see animals do this during mating season. It is a sign of you letting him know you are vunerable to him.

Believe me ladies, don't beat me up on this, it's true. Men don't women whom they feel will present a challenge in terms of her vs. his manhood. I am a Leo and a LEO so trust when I say, I have to go to great lengths to make a guy understand that at home when the lights go off, I want a man and have no desire to be one.

I get so tired of guys telling me oh I know you'll just kick my *** or shoot me if I piss you off. And sadly every man I've ever lost was to some homely chick that spoke in a whisper and made biscuits from scratch. Dang....I'da made him some biscuits.

I enjoyed your entire post...and that last part had me ...just picturing you actually saying it.

 

[Namilani]

WOW for so many reasons!

1) I didn't know that this crap had a name.
2) I didn't think that that many of us had or are experiencing it.
3) I am trying to recover from it. I believe it is more of him being my first, "childhood" love (high school sweetheart), father of my child-- basically all I know as far as having a serious (or even close to serious) relationship. It's a comfort thing... And I'm realizing that you can't be but so comfortable if you are MISERABLE !

 

[MJ]

You're right. That's how my story went.

I should be more clear. We were childhood friends that saw each other after almost eight years without contact. We were immediately both attracted to each other. I got scared, really scared. At that point I was very depressed about my life and just wasn't in a position to love anyone. I pushed him away. I was mean about it too -- imagine someone throwing your love in your face.

We lost contact for about a year and then he contacted me to say "Hi." By then I was healthier, things were still rocky in my life, but much better than they were before. We resumed our friendship and, as I get to know him better and see how great he is, I fell hard. Hard! But even then I was still afraid. I played mind games with myself and him. It's like I wanted to love, but was scared to. He was smart and withheld himself; he was less open than he was before.

Looking back, I realized we both broke each others hearts. It's terrible. I've matured so much since then. I realized that I wasnt' ready to be open and to trust someone completely with my heart. Now I realize what it means to be in a relationship with someone, it require alot more understanding, cooperation, and trust than could have ever imagined at that point of my life -- and I'm just beginning understand the magnitude of this!

In additions to the lessons I learned from my experiences with him, he shared some of his friends with me. Some of my closest friends were (and still are) close friends of his. But I don't talk about him with his friends. That's the only relationship I've ever regretted the way it turned out. Can you tell it still hurts? But after reading your posts, I realized this is a more common experience than I thought.

He and I talk every now and then, but briefly, as I haven't been able to sever the cord that binds us and every contact with him seems to strengthen it. Believe me, I've tried every way possible to cut it. Every way, except doing something evil. After I realized nothing was working, I decided that it was okay to talk with him every now and then. I'm moving on though.

Even now, when I think about it, I realize that I love that feeling of loving someone and wanting to share happiness and life with them. I want that feeling again and on an everyday basis. So that only means one thing, I have to forgive myself and him, and have the courage to love again.

 

[SleepyJean]

Man that sucks!

In my case it had been a relationship in which we were both in love, he fell out of love and I didnt. That was the beginning of the worst emotional days of my LIFE. I went half crazy trying to get him back. Then I started looking inward, caring about me, dealing with my mess, etc...started loving myself more....slowly things began to reverse and HE started going crazy trying to get me back. He lost it, I thought he was gonna kill himself, he got sick, stopped eating and everything, had family members calling me on his behalf...It was a big ole mess. I had never seen that side of him. EVER! What got me was that he was always known for the stolid, emotionLESS one, so seeing him cry and act like that messed with me. Long story short (lol, a little late for that), We got back together for 5 more years before going our separate ways...we both equally wanted out by then...

But that feeling of loving someone that doesnt love you back....Gawd that hurts like hell.

Been there...Done that....And not going back!!!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Yes...unrequited love. Been there....done that. I'm STILL trying to get over the hurt and pain, and just move on. The sad thing is...I still have feelings for him! Yikes! I feel like I should long since be over him by now, but I'm not completely over him! How sad is that??

But, slowly but surely I'm started to heal. I went through mad depression for about 7 months. I even lost 13 pounds. I still haven't gained all of my weight back. I still have my up and down days, but the "bad days" are getting fewer and further in between, so I'm glad.

I'm sure one day I will look back on this and laugh. Hopefully really hard. lol*

Just keep the faith ladies! I believe that time heals all wounds. It may take a long time, but eventually the hurt and pain will eventually subside.

 

[Theo]

Wow... this thread brings back some really bad memories.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Yes, this thread does bring back some bad memories.

I'm sorry you ladies were going through this, any updates?

My breakup in early 2007 was like this. I had my life on track, working on ME. I was also into this guy, but he wasn't giving me the time of day. Well this other dude comes along and starts pursuing me. He wasn't my type, but he was nice and he talked a lot about how he's been hurt, and he's just looking for the opportunity to love, etc etc, blah blah blah. Same old game. I fell for it. I fell hard. And one day he told me that he didn't think he really had feelings for me. Apparently, his feelings faded. Two weeks later he was with another chick. He became a monster. Started to tell people that he should have gotten rid of me a long time ago, that he could have had much better. That really really hurt. I spent months out of my mind, even considering ending it all. Those were rough times.

When I think back, I am saddened about how I felt. I spent months of my life hidden from the world, because of a man. I know you can't control your emotions, and love will get the best of you, but thinking about my life then is so hard.

I'm fully over him now. I get angry when I see him, cause of the type of person he has become, but as far as attraction, there is NONE. Never will be.

I am so thankful that I learned some important lessons from this. SO THANKFUL. If we were still together to this day, I wouldn't be too happy. I'd be passing great guys along for him. He wasn't worth my trouble and my time. I could have had better.

Now I'm single again and though the lonely bug bites, I'm trying to keep a straight head when it comes to which guys to choose. I'm staying away from the men who pursue me like animals, it never works out, they just like the chase. I want a guy who will pursue me, but in a different way. Someone I know is sincere, and isn't just looking to be validated. I'm starting a friendship first, and taking it from there if necessary. When I hear about the drama in his life, it will be a red flag. No longer am I going to try to play the good and understanding woman who accepts her man and all his faults/drama. I will proceed with caution in EVERY relationship.

One thing I noticed about myself is that whenever I was in one of these unrequited relationships, I had low self confidence and low self esteem. It's something I'm working on, and I don't think I'll have a successful relationship until I realize what all I have to offer. It's like Beyonce's "Irreplaceable"...you really gotta think you a bad ***** to take this song to heart. Cause for now on I know that I could have another him if I so choose. If a man isn't into me, his loss. Oh well...