trying to decide about divorce

Dee-Licious

Dee-Licious

Well-Known Member
after a heated discussion with two male friends that ended with them telling me I'm so stuck in my ways I won't find a man to ever marry me :wallbash:, I've decided to ask yall.

What are the reasons you find acceptable for divorce??

I said my only acceptable reasons are adultery and abuse. Can someone enlighten me on why all of these are reasons are acceptable.
 
the reasons listed in the OP were my 2 reasons.. they guys were basically saying "Not Being Happy Anymore" and I just don't see how that can be the true/valid cause of a divorce

They weren't able to explain it to me; maybe someone here can
 
The reasons you listed are my reasons also, but I can't imagine staying in a marriage that I'm not happy in, I know pple who want out just because their not happy, the man don't take them out, don't buy them things, don't talk all kinds of stuff. My MIL is a prime example her husband seems nice but he doesn't want to do any thing, I mean nothing, after 11yrs I know she has to be tired of it. She's always threatening to leave but his behind is still there just making her miserable.
 
MsDee4 said:
the reasons listed in the OP were my 2 reasons..they guys were basically saying "Not Being Happy Anymore" and I just don't see how that can be the true/valid cause of a divorce

They weren't able to explain it to me; maybe someone here can
Click to expand...

I think that's a good reason also...I mean, if the wife/husband isn't stepping up to the plate to make small changes to make you more happy (keep having an attitude about little stuff, talking down on you, not spending time, doesn't take pride in their appearance...just to name a few) then I'd say bounce. Life is too short to be caught up with someone that doesn't make you happy. :yep:
 
Not being happy is a valid exuse to me. I do think that all relationships require regular work just like anything else and nothing is going to be peaches and cream all of the time but....You can never under estimate the value of peace of mind. A family friend of ours was married for nearly 30 years. They had 3 children together but after charlie was born (the last baby), things started to go down hill. Her husbands behavior became more erratic and he became more and more controling. Me and my sister babysitted for her and we watched him be verbally abusive. Her oldest son started imitating the behavior and started becoming a little prick. Her husband has always been a little off to me, he has a really bad "little man" complex. Well she finially had enough and left him. During the divorce he hit her with her car, hit his daughter with a hockey stick, pushed her down the steps...all kinds of stuff. Her father bought her a new house, she is now going to start practicing law again and you couldn't believe how much happier she looks. It is like she got a face lift. Her kids came to live with her on their own accord. Jason, the oldest son is going to college this year and his father isn't even giving him a dime for school and he is a millionare many times over. Moral of the story...Happiness is a factor in whether to divorce or not. Some issues just can't be worked out and you should never give up your peace of mind or sense of self for any relationship.
 
BeautifulWideEyes said:
The reasons you listed are my reasons also, but I can't imagine staying in a marriage that I'm not happy in, I know pple who want out just because their not happy, the man don't take them out, don't buy them things, don't talk all kinds of stuff. My MIL is a prime example her husband seems nice but he doesn't want to do any thing, I mean nothing, after 11yrs I know she has to be tired of it. She's always threatening to leave but his behind is still there just making her miserable.
Click to expand...

I agree, what's the point? Just staying in the marriage for the sake of just "being married"?? :nono:
 
gymfreak336 said:
Not being happy is a valid exuse to me. I do think that all relationships require regular work just like anything else and nothing is going to be peaches and cream all of the time but....You can never under estimate the value of peace of mind. A family friend of ours was married for nearly 30 years. They had 3 children together but after charlie was born (the last baby), things started to go down hill. Her husbands behavior became more erratic and he became more and more controling. Me and my sister babysitted for her and we watched him be verbally abusive. Her oldest son started imitating the behavior and started becoming a little prick. Her husband has always been a little off to me, he has a really bad "little man" complex. Well she finially had enough and left him. During the divorce he hit her with her car, hit his daughter with a hockey stick, pushed her down the steps...all kinds of stuff. Her father bought her a new house, she is now going to start practicing law again and you couldn't believe how much happier she looks. It is like she got a face lift. Her kids came to live with her on their own accord. Jason, the oldest son is going to college this year and his father isn't even giving him a dime for school and he is a millionare many times over. Moral of the story...Happiness is a factor in whether to divorce or not. Some issues just can't be worked out and you should never give up your peace of mind or sense of self for any relationship.
Click to expand...

Good for her!

Her husband sounded like a real ***!! :nono: I'm glad she's happy now, I would have been out too, I'm too fly for that sh!t for real. :yep:
 
I understand ya'll are saying JUST like they were saying things build up and you end up not happy anymore.

But why not work on things when they are small and knock them out of the way without letting them build up?? I just don't think people turn unhappy overnight.
 
blasianbeauty said:
I agree, what's the point? Just staying in the marriage for the sake of just "being married"?? :nono:
Click to expand...


I'm definitely not saying stay married for the sake of it. I don't believe in getting married for just the sake of it. But it IS "til death do you part" but adultery is given as a valid reason for divorce and abuse is of course understandable.
 
MsDee4 said:
I understand ya'll are saying JUST like they were saying things build up and you end up not happy anymore.

But why not work on things when they are small and knock them out of the way without letting them build up?? I just don't think people turn unhappy overnight.
Click to expand...

I agree, I'm not saying just leave when you become unhappy. But if you talk to your spouse and over time they still don't want to change, it's just a waste at that point. However, if the spouse does make improvement, then by all means work it out. :yep:
 
Anything that's a deal breaker and voids the marriage contract:

*adultery
*abuse of me or my kids
*being bi or on the DL (happend to a friend of mine and she left him)
*drug/alchol abuse- wouldn't wait for treatment, I'd just leave
* any other addiction that he's not willing to get treatment for- ex: gambling

It's a lot but I'm just being honest. To me, marriage is sacred and those vows meant something. If someone's going to reneg on them, I'm out.
 
MsDee4 said:
I understand ya'll are saying JUST like they were saying things build up and you end up not happy anymore.

But why not work on things when they are small and knock them out of the way without letting them build up?? I just don't think people turn unhappy overnight.
Click to expand...

You are right, you don't wake up unhappy but for many people their unsavory traits get worse with age. For example, many men and women for that matter have control issues. What might have started as something small and "manageable" during the first 15 years of marriage can change and become something that either A- you decide you can not deal with or B- you try to deal with it through counseling or what not and you still don't make progress. Like in my example her husband Harry was always a little controlling but as he got older, it got worse. When she said she wanted out, that is when he started getting physical. Once she saw his true colors there was no turning back.
 
Your right they are not unhappy over night, but the problem is the one that needs to step it up don't, they think it's a joke until your gone. Or they step it up for a minute to get back "in" and then they go back to their old ways, so it end up being a never ending cycle until the unhappy one just leaves.
MsDee4 said:
I understand ya'll are saying JUST like they were saying things build up and you end up not happy anymore.

But why not work on things when they are small and knock them out of the way without letting them build up?? I just don't think people turn unhappy overnight.
Click to expand...
 
calliope said:
Anything that's a deal breaker and voids the marriage contract:

*adultery
*abuse of me or my kids
*being bi or on the DL (happend to a friend of mine and she left him)
*drug/alchol abuse- wouldn't wait for treatment, I'd just leave
* any other addiction that he's not willing to get treatment for- ex: gambling

It's a lot but I'm just being honest. To me, marriage is sacred and those vows meant something. If someone's going to reneg on them, I'm out.
Click to expand...

What if he is bisexual but not sleeping with other men? What if he is just attracted to them but being faithful to her?
 
MsDee4 said:
I'm definitely not saying stay married for the sake of it. I don't believe in getting married for just the sake of it. But it IS "til death do you part" but adultery is given as a valid reason for divorce and abuse is of course understandable.
Click to expand...

I believe it should be "til death do you part" also, but sometimes it just don't work out that way. I say give it all you got but if your spouse isn't trying to improve on issues that have been brought up time after time after time, it's a wrap. I know someone now who's husband can't stay off of the gambling boat, he spends his entire retirement checks gambling. Should she stay in a situation like that? I don't see just adultery and abuse as the only reasons for divorce.
 
BeautifulWideEyes said:
Your right they are not unhappy over night, but the problem is the one that needs to step it up don't, they think it's a joke until your gone. Or they step it up for a minute to get back "in" and then they go back to their old ways, so it end up being a never ending cycle until the unhappy one just leaves.
Click to expand...

:yep: This type of behavior happens a lot.
 
blasianbeauty said:
I believe it should be "til death do you part" also, but sometimes it just don't work out that way. I say give it all you got but if your spouse isn't trying to improve on issues that have been brought up time after time after time, it's a wrap. I know someone now who's husband can't stay off of the gambling boat, he spends his entire retirement checks gambling. Should she stay in a situation like that? I don't see just adultery and abuse as the only reasons for divorce.
Click to expand...

Good point. I would have to bounce. A lady we sold a house too is losing it for this same reason. They put 20 down but haven't paid in months because he has gambled the money away. I would have to head straight to the lawyers office asap!
 
I think if someone doesnt make you happy through their personality or actions why would you not see that before you get married:rolleyes:.

Sometimes there is a mutual agreement between the two that they dont feel "in love" anymore, they feel more like brother and sister so they get a divorce which is amicable:look:.

Honestly even though I think people are fickle in marriage, If I was with someone who didnt have the maturity to give it 100% chance and grew moody and "unhappy" I think I would not be with that person as it can lead to them cheating.

I feel a big part of what those guys said is because they subscribe heavily to the western notion of being "in love". To people who are over concerned with that aspect of a union, when the initial exitement dies they think its right to split.

I remember Jlo saying she didnt get the idea the first times she got married that sometimes married life is repetitive or boring.
 
BeautifulWideEyes said:
The reasons you listed are my reasons also, but I can't imagine staying in a marriage that I'm not happy in, I know pple who want out just because their not happy, the man don't take them out, don't buy them things, don't talk all kinds of stuff. My MIL is a prime example her husband seems nice but he doesn't want to do any thing, I mean nothing, after 11yrs I know she has to be tired of it. She's always threatening to leave but his behind is still there just making her miserable.
Click to expand...

You said it.

My parents divorced after 21 years of marriage, but they spent the last 10 years of that marriage ridiculously unhappy. And they both got to the point where they each individually were suffering. Everyone deserves to be happy and I don't blame them one bit for making the difficult choice of deciding to divorce and go out and be happy separately.
 
MsDee4 said:
I'm definitely not saying stay married for the sake of it. I don't believe in getting married for just the sake of it. But it IS "til death do you part" but adultery is given as a valid reason for divorce and abuse is of course understandable.
Click to expand...

I think that keeping someone unhappy, or continuing behavior that you know is hurting your spouse can be considered abuse as well. Not just hitting or screaming.
 
I agree - based on my religious faith - that the only acceptable reasons for divorce are adultery and abuse. Please believe that there are men out here who believe the same.
 
tickledpinkies said:
I think if someone doesnt make you happy through their personality or actions why would you not see that before you get married:rolleyes:.
Click to expand...

YEP!!! I said the saaaaaaame thing. I got back that people change and it gets worse. Key word is WORSE. If you take the time to truly get to know that person and their traits they can't hid it all. A controlling person is doing little controlling things as warning signs before it gets worse.

I think you see how that person is before you get married, and you have to decide for yourself if you can deal with it or not. People show you who they are; you just how to believe them.
 
Oh how could I forget about all of these.. mmmhhnnn there are alot of reasons that are valid.
calliope said:
Anything that's a deal breaker and voids the marriage contract:

*adultery
*abuse of me or my kids
*being bi or on the DL (happend to a friend of mine and she left him)
*drug/alchol abuse- wouldn't wait for treatment, I'd just leave
* any other addiction that he's not willing to get treatment for- ex: gambling
It's a lot but I'm just being honest. To me, marriage is sacred and those vows meant something. If someone's going to reneg on them, I'm out.
Click to expand...
 
My love ones have nothing to do with my personal life. So if that's what they choose do it's fine with me. What I mean by living on what if's is living everyday wondering if this will be they day they choose to do otherwise and act out on their desires.
Glamourous said:
One of your loved ones could be bisexual or DL now and you have failed to realize. You live on what if's all the time if you think about it.
Click to expand...
 
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