Divorce! It's Good for the Children!

[yardyspice]

Happiness is subjective and one can be happier instantly simply by not comparing oneself to others. As a parent, your child should be more important than your subjective happiness. So divorcing your spouse because you are (temporarily) unhappy is not only selfish but it is also abdicating your responsibility as a parent. Children fare better in two parent households with parents who are polite and considerate which should be no problem for us to do since we already do so with our neighbors or even with people we don't like. After the children are gone then do yours. There is no guarantee your are going to be happier after a divorce but one thing we know for sure is that your children definitely won't be.

I don't understand the viewpoint of some that unhappiness is not means for divorce. I mean, understandably things should be fixed within the marriage, counseling etc. But if a woman or a man is unhappy in a marriage, I don't understand the mindset that they should stay in it as long as the SO isn't cheating. You only have one life? Why would you choose to remain in an unhappy relationship? I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I am not married, so I will not presume to tell others how to work with their marriage, but I truly don't understand this.

 

[StopMakingSense]

Yeah, I am not on this be a martyr for marriage train. My parents divorced and it was the best possible thing that they could have done. It was a horrible marriage and both of them were unhappy, but the most paramount issue is that they were unhealthy for each other and reached a point where they were not able to remain civil anymore. I don't get the comparison of being amicable to neighbors and strangers. Strangers and neighbors do not have the capacity to hurt you emotionally and spiritually and you don't have to entertain and see them every day after such damage has been done.

Abdicate is a somewhat harsh portrayal of someone that divorces his/her spouse and still takes care of their children. I feel that is a word reserved for deadbeats, those who actually fail to fulfill their role as a parent and caretaker to their offspring. Being divorced does not make you any of those things. erplexed

Also, people are individuals and not robots. One person's threshold may be greater than another person's threshold. People can tolerate different things. I don't feel one can say how much a person should have taken on before deciding to divorce without intimate knowledge of the relationship and situation.

 

[Rei]

Happiness is subjective and one can be happier instantly simply by not comparing oneself to others. As a parent, your child should be more important than your subjective happiness. So divorcing your spouse because you are (temporarily) unhappy is not only selfish but it is also abdicating your responsibility as a parent. Children fare better in two parent households with parents who are polite and considerate which should be no problem for us to do since we already do so with our neighbors or even with people we don't like. After the children are gone then do yours. There is no guarantee your are going to be happier after a divorce but one thing we know for sure is that your children definitely won't be.

the temporary is kind of an assumption though, isn't it? I mean, I just don't get why in everything else in one's life, if they are unhappy, everyone else tells them to find the root of that unhappiness and get rid of it, but when it comes to marriage, one must be a martyr for the rest of their life. My parents are religious and do not believe in divorce. To this day I believe we would have been better off if they have. They have never shown each other a scrap of affection that I can remember, and argue ALL the time. They try not to do it in front of us but we always know when they are having a disagreement. I don't think my mother is very happy in this marriage, and I don't think she has been for years. I would never put myself through that for anyone. I guess that makes me selfish, I don't know.

 

[kmn1980]

I don't understand the viewpoint of some that unhappiness is not means for divorce.

Because "happiness" is ephemeral. It comes and it goes. This morning I was not happy when I saw that my DH left his heavy shoes in the middle of the floor. 5 minutes later, I was happy when I saw that DH had made breakfast. You won't always be happy. You won't always be unhappy. That's how life is.

I've found that people who are perpetually unhappy are really depressed and it's usually because of issues that they have internalized and let fester instead of dealing with as they arose.

Don't get me wrong, if your husband is knocking you upside the head or a child molester or sticking his twig n' berries in every hole available by all means dissolve the marriage. But, it seems to me that these days, people are expecting peaches n' cream everyday and that's not what marriage is. After you get married, life goes on. The same BS that intermittently interrupts your happy existence will continue to do so. Sometimes, your spouse is the one that brings it. Sometimes it's you.

So when someone says they want a divorce because they're "not happy", I have to wonder what exactly that means and how soon they gave up on the marriage when they really didn't have to.

 

[StopMakingSense]

Because "happiness" is ephemeral. It comes and it goes. This morning I was not happy when I saw that my DH left his heavy shoes in the middle of the floor. 5 minutes later, I was happy when I saw that DH had made breakfast. You won't always be happy. You won't always be unhappy. That's how life is.

I've found that people who are perpetually unhappy are really depressed and it's usually because of issues that they have internalized and let fester instead of dealing with as they arose.

Don't get me wrong, if your husband is knocking you upside the head or a child molester or sticking his twig n' berries in every hole available by all means dissolve the marriage. But, it seems to me that these days, people are expecting peaches n' cream everyday and that's not what marriage is. After you get married, life goes on. The same BS that intermittently interrupts your happy existence will continue to do so. Sometimes, your spouse is the one that brings it. Sometimes it's you.

So when someone says they want a divorce because they're "not happy", I have to wonder what exactly that means and how soon they gave up on the marriage when they really didn't have to.

What if their happiness, or lack thereof is centered round personal growth of the relationship? I understand the simplistic nature of the fleeting happiness you are describing--but what if someone were expressing a certain sadness that they could only attribute to the relationship as a whole? What if their partner had become cold, stubborn, and incapable of growth? What if their unhappiness was stemming from the way they were being treated by their spouse as a whole? Not so much not washing up dishes or forgetting to take the trash out--but emotional and physical withholding, becoming emotionally unavailable and resentful. Is the woman supposed to stick it out then?

Of course, one may not be able to call this a form of abuse--but is this something that some of you all are advocating should possibly be endured for the sake of the children? I am just trying to get a clarification because perhaps my perception of happiness as it correlates to a marriage arrangement is the capacity to have balance and health in your respective partnership and not necessarily how happy or unhappy you may be at the fact that your hubby didn't rake the leaves and you asked him 3x all ready.

 

[carcajada]

What if their happiness, or lack thereof is centered round personal growth of the relationship? I understand the simplistic nature of the fleeting happiness you are describing--but what if someone were expressing a certain sadness that they could only attribute to the relationship as a whole? What if their partner had become cold, stubborn, and incapable of growth? What if their unhappiness was stemming from the way they were being treated by their spouse as a whole? Not so much not washing up dishes or forgetting to take the trash out--but emotional and physical withholding, becoming emotionally unavailable and resentful. Is the woman supposed to stick it out then?

Of course, one may not be able to call this a form of abuse--but is this something that some of you all are advocating should possibly be endured for the sake of the children? I am just trying to get a clarification because perhaps my perception of happiness as it correlates to a marriage arrangement is the capacity to have balance and health in your respective partnership and not necessarily how happy or unhappy you may be at the fact that your hubby didn't rake the leaves and you asked him 3x all ready.

What is that woman doing to correct the issue in this type of situation? Is she just sitting there feeling she can't do anything? Is anyone ever truly uncapable of growth or does it just seem that way?

I don't think anyone should stay for the sake of the children unless they both make decisions to create a happy household the children can function within.

 

[yardyspice]

carcajada I second your scepticism. Most of the time when you hear this kind of story you don't hear about the woman's silent treatment, dirty looks, etc. If you are not married to a scumbag, then why not try to make the marriage work for the sake of the children. Go away for the week-end, buy a $ex toy, etc. Anything to not have to shuttle your kids to new home with a step-mother and new siblings.

 

[Ladybelle]

I pretty much said all I had to say, but I will add

-divorce is a personal choice just like everything else in life. And, although some may not agree with a person's decision: it is just that, their decision.

 

[Ladybelle]

Can we open this discussion to others outside the nucleus, like in-laws, cousins, siblings and others who were opposed to a divorce? Has anyone experienced lots of pressure from them to maintain appearances of the "good" family?

My family supported my decision 100% and would rather I be "real" than keep up appearances. The stigma has come from outsiders who think that I as a woman failed because I chose not to keep enduring the crap I went through.

The divorce isn't even final yet & people look at me funny because I no longer wear my ring. My facebook page was flooded with pm's when I chose to return to my maiden name on there.

It's quite unbelievable. In my circumstance, HE should be the one getting scrutinized. HE is the one who failed me, and HE is the one who violated the terms of our marriage agreement.

through sickness & health:NOPE
love & cherish: NOPE
protect & provide:NOPE

I wasn't a perfect wife, but I prayed and prayed. I did EVERYTHING I knew how to do to save my marriage & to save him - it finally got to a point where I decided to save myself & my children. I won't apologize for that, to anyone.

Only if there was necessity and you regained your human dignity to move on and make your life. That would be an accomplishment because too many stay in harm's way. Failure is still failure but the stigma of divorce is strong, esp. against women. I don't believe in divorce and had no intention of such. Well, compare it to a caree that plummeted or failure in a certain class or test...you pick yourself up and move on. I'm concerned that too many think that it's never a necessity.

A thousands amens to this. But, some will NEVER understand this sentiment because they have not ever been in the situation where they had to make that choice.

I'm not into the divorce = failure mentality. I think a lot of people who stay together but still have failed marriages. So the togetherness is just window dressing. So people considering staying together need to ask themselves....why is the window dressing important.


I have a co-worker whose finally married her boyfriend after ten year of living together. He is totally high end even though he makes $12.00 an hour. He has had affairs and even had a child by a white woman while married. He does not contribute to the household but spends his money on a tricked out truck and a large Lexus 450 that stays parked. He also had children by another woman when they got together. He isn't much of a father...spending no time with their children.

HER MOTHER tells her she needs to get past it because MEN GO THROUGH CHANGES! I was totally outdone.

@ the bolded, I second that notion. I know couples who literally cannot stand each other, they sleep in seperate bedrooms, have seperate accounts, they don't talk to each other, no intimacy whatsoever but refused to get divorced. When people come over to visit, they put on aires so that no one will know just how miserable they are. WHy live a life like that? Just to say, I didn't get divorced? I'll pass. And, do the children really benefit from seeing a marriage such as that? I don't think so.

Really.

and I agree @nysister. Some posters took comments personal that were not even about them...as always. How many times does a person have to post "my parents" for people to get the point it was in reference to her parents?

But, in addition to "my parents" the poster went on to make a generalized statement about everybody. I don't find it surprising that people chose to respond to that generalized statement. Everything isn't always black & white, sometimes there are shades of gray.

I don't think most women go into a marriage expecting a divorce. I know I didn't. Sh*t happens that is out of your control, so unless you are in a certain woman's shoes you should keep your judgment to yourself. Like someone mentioned, life is not a crystal ball, and even the best people get dealt a bad hand.

Okay?!! ITA. To me, it seems no matter what a woman does - she gets the blame.
he cheated- you should have kept yourself up more & kept the house spotless & slobbed his knob every chance you got.

he hit you- well, what did you do to provoke him? Women are supposed to be meek, mild & passive. Just pray for him (I know I was told this by a couple of women. I'm like wtf? Did you not hear me just say he bit a three inch gash in my face when I was 8 months pregnant with his child???)

He doesn't spend anytime with the children: that's not a man's job anyway

he gave you a STD: well,you should have wore protection - even married women have to do that these days

he is emotionally distant & cold - find others ways to deal with him.

and do not have children- you must stay & endure every evil, lowdown, nasty, mean thing he ever does to you for the sake of the children.

I say gtfoohwtbs. This is not the 1930's anymore & women have a right to be treated with respect.

WHEN I ask, do men get the side-eye & contempt when their marriages fail? It seems men can do nothing wrong.

That's how I took it too. When I look around me I see several people that due to their own issues attracted a man that was bad for them various ways. You know, I actually don't know a single woman IRL that actually divorced a physically abusive man. They are all still married to him. The divorced woman I know divorced due to cheating, finances, or they married a good for nothin and waited 10+ yrs a couple of kids to figure it out.

***************RAISES HAND********* My husband was physically abusive & I'm getting divorced. I already have temporary custody of my kids & a temporary child support order. The divorce should be finalized within 6 months. I ain't going back.

Yeah, I am not on this be a martyr for marriage train. My parents divorced and it was the best possible thing that they could have done. It was a horrible marriage and both of them were unhappy, but the most paramount issue is that they were unhealthy for each other and reached a point where they were not able to remain civil anymore. I don't get the comparison of being amicable to neighbors and strangers. Strangers and neighbors do not have the capacity to hurt you emotionally and spiritually and you don't have to entertain and see them every day after such damage has been done.

Abdicate is a somewhat harsh portrayal of someone that divorces his/her spouse and still takes care of their children. I feel that is a word reserved for deadbeats, those who actually fail to fulfill their role as a parent and caretaker to their offspring. Being divorced does not make you any of those things. erplexed

Also, people are individuals and not robots. One person's threshold may be greater than another person's threshold. People can tolerate different things. I don't feel one can say how much a person should have taken on before deciding to divorce without intimate knowledge of the relationship and situation.

I agree with everything you said, especially the bolded. And, I have an innate feeling that my children will feel the same way.

What if their happiness, or lack thereof is centered round personal growth of the relationship? I understand the simplistic nature of the fleeting happiness you are describing--but what if someone were expressing a certain sadness that they could only attribute to the relationship as a whole? What if their partner had become cold, stubborn, and incapable of growth? What if their unhappiness was stemming from the way they were being treated by their spouse as a whole? Not so much not washing up dishes or forgetting to take the trash out--but emotional and physical withholding, becoming emotionally unavailable and resentful. Is the woman supposed to stick it out then?

Of course, one may not be able to call this a form of abuse--but is this something that some of you all are advocating should possibly be endured for the sake of the children? I am just trying to get a clarification because perhaps my perception of happiness as it correlates to a marriage arrangement is the capacity to have balance and health in your respective partnership and not necessarily how happy or unhappy you may be at the fact that your hubby didn't rake the leaves and you asked him 3x all ready.

I understand what you're saying, and I agree for the most part.

 

[carcajada]

But, in addition to "my parents" the poster went on to make a generalized statement about everybody. I don't find it surprising that people chose to respond to that generalized statement. Everything isn't always black & white, sometimes there are shades of gray.

You chose to take offense to a statement that was about her parents. Notice you highlighted the part you decided to take offense to instead of also highlighting the next sentence reinterating that her opinion was based on her parents.

You've just posted that your husband was abusive, so maybe it irritated you to read that f'ed up people would attract f'ed up people because then that would make you f'ed up since you attracted your husband. Don't force a shoe to fit if it's not yours. You can't be a spokesman for everyone you think might be offended or you'll spend the rest of your time on here offended.

For some people, life is black white and very simple. If yours isn't, no need to take offense to someone who believes it is based on their own homes. To each his own - as the other poster already said.

 

[Ladybelle]

^^ I think I said that already - to each his own. And, the reader wasn't just talking about her parents, hence the reason I & others took offense.

I think the only f"ked up person is one who can generalize the marriages of the entire population based on such a cliche'ish sentiment such as "you attract what you are" . As good as that sounds, it is not always true. If anythign she's bitter & resents the fact that her parents divorced, haboring those types of feelings are IMHO, f'ked up and I think it would do her good to take her own advice & apply the whole personal accountability role. Even moreso, she would be f'cked up because she has in her opinion f'cked up parents - she must have attracted them, right? Since we attract what we are. If we attract what we are, certainly we birth what we are right? I can't be a f'cked up mother and have a child that's not f'cked up - at least based on that posters theory? So, that would make most of us f'cked up right?? Especially the poster who feels that broad statement applies to everybody.

Lol! And, I have been on here long enough to know when to pick my battles. I don't engage in them very often as they are endless, but this was one I chose to speak on. If you took offense to that, I'm sorry.

And, my stance remains the same - those women who have the misfortune of marrying lunatics, alcoholics, drug abuser, abusive men are not f'cked up. The men they married are. It's that simple - since everything is as some believe to be black & white.

I think volver stated how I feel much more eloquently, so I won't restate the obvious as some obviously won't get it.

 

[carcajada]

yardyspice mm hmm. And not that the wife is to blame alone, but I side eye people who are quick to pile up all of these bad characteristics about the husband all while not giving details about other things. I've seen men do this too so that they won't seem like the bad guy.

 

[carcajada]

^^ I think I said that already - to each his own. And, the reader wasn't just talking about her parents, hence the reason I & others took offense.

I think the only f"ked up person is one who can generalize the marriages of the entire population based on such a cliche'ish sentiment such as "you attract what you are" . As good as that sounds, it is not always true. If anythign she's bitter & resents the fact that her parents divorced, haboring those types of feelings are IMHO, f'ked up and I think it would do her good to take her own advice & apply the whole personal accountability role. Even moreso, she would be f'cked up because she has in her opinion f'cked up parents - she must have attracted them, right? Since we attract what we are. If we attract what we are, certainly we birth what we are right? I can't be a f'cked up mother and have a child that's not f'cked up - at least based on that posters theory? So, that would make most of us f'cked up right?? Especially the poster who feels that broad statement applies to everybody.

Lol! And, I have been on here long enough to know when to pick my battles. I don't engage in them very often as they are endless, but this was one I chose to speak on. If you took offense to that, I'm sorry.

And, my stance remains the same - those women who have the misfortune of marrying lunatics, alcoholics, drug abuser, abusive men are not f'cked up. The men they married are. It's that simple - since everything is as some believe to be black & white.

I think volver stated how I feel much more eloquently, so I won't restate the obvious as some obviously won't get it.

Take a breath. It's okay. You can take everything personal in this thread that you shouldn't. It's your choice. It's nasty outside here, but have a good day.

 

[Ladybelle]

yardyspice mm hmm. And not that the wife is to blame alone, but I side eye people who are quick to pile up all of these bad characteristics about the husband all while not giving details about other things. I've seen men do this too so that they won't seem like the bad guy.

Details like what??

I slammed the door & he blacked my eye. Oh, I guess since I slammed the door, I deserved a blackeye?

Or maybe because I didn't have dinner done by the time he got home, I deserved the silent treatment for two weeks??

Or there is that time I got money out of the bank account without him knowing it to buy diapers & groceries, I was a stupid b* for doing that without his consent.


Seriously, I could relay all of my negative traits - like the fact that I cannot stand to be awakened when I'm sleeping, or it ticks me off when people take out the trash without putting another bag in. But, none of that would compare to what he was doing.

I just really don't get where you are coming from and you really sound like one of those old school women who tell you "men cheat" deal with it. That mentality gets women killed everyday. Women who think if they just do this or that a little bit better, he won't abuse me anymore. Until he finally kills her.

Shame on anyone who thinks that way.

 

[carcajada]

Ladybelle You are too sensitive to this topic. If I clarify, you'll just keep personalizing and taking offense. Just step away or only read posts that support your opinion in this thread. You'll only get e-upset when there is no need to be.

 

[deltagyrl]

Lord this thread.

Opinions are not gospel.

Your experience is just that, yours.

To stay or not to stay is a highly personal decision.

At the end of the day, you don't have to answer to anyone in LHCF land...EVER.