trying to decide about divorce

[pink_flower]

YEP!!! I said the saaaaaaame thing. I got back that people change and it gets worse. Key word is WORSE. If you take the time to truly get to know that person and their traits they can't hid it all. A controlling person is doing little controlling things as warning signs before it gets worse.

I think you see how that person is before you get married, and you have to decide for yourself if you can deal with it or not. People show you who they are; you just how to believe them.

ITA. I'm also one of those people who think people don't change overnight. Every now and then I hear a story online or irl about how when a couple got married everything changed. I don't buy that.

I also never really understood what "im unhappy means". Besides the obvious like cheating, abuse(physical and emotional), addictions. I always think to myself that the person claiming unhappiness is unhappy with themselves. I love my SO and can't wait to get married but my happiness does not depend on him. Yes he makes me mad and gets on my last nerve but he not going to ruin my life. Hes not running MY show.

We both have bad traits and habits but you learn them and accept them. The same dumb stuff that pissed him and me off years ago still applies today. I just think people want folks to change and it's not gonna happen. We both have matured over the years and our relationship is more solid but essentially we are the same. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

[Mortons]

My love ones have nothing to do with my personal life. So if that's what they choose do it's fine with me. What I mean by living on what if's is living everyday wondering if this will be they day they choose to do otherwise and act out on their desires.

Nevermind

 

[Mortons]

ITA. I'm also one of those people who think people don't change overnight. Every now and then I hear a story online or irl about how when a couple got married everything changed. I don't buy that.

I also never really understood what "im unhappy means". Besides the obvious like cheating, abuse(physical and emotional), addictions. I always think to myself that the person claiming unhappiness is unhappy with themselves. I love my SO and can't wait to get married but my happiness does not depend on him. Yes he makes me mad and gets on my last nerve but he not going to ruin my life. Hes not running MY show.

We both have bad traits and habits but you learn them and accept them. The same dumb stuff that pissed him and me off years ago still applies today. I just think people want folks to change and it's not gonna happen. We both have matured over the years and our relationship is more solid but essentially we are the same. I don't know if that makes sense.

The "in love" phase often causes people to overlook GRAVE flaws in a could be husband or wife. After the lovey dovey phase has passed years after they decided (too early) to get married, they begin to see the person for who they truly are, and were from the beginning. People just need to slow down. I rather get married to Mr/s. Right in my 50's than be married to Mr/s. Right NOW while I'm young. Its just not worth the emotional stress.

 

[Dee-Licious]

I also never really understood what "im unhappy means". Besides the obvious like cheating, abuse(physical and emotional), addictions. I always think to myself that the person claiming unhappiness is unhappy with themselves. I love my SO and can't wait to get married but my happiness does not depend on him. Yes he makes me mad and gets on my last nerve but he not going to ruin my life. Hes not running MY show.

Whoo when you quoted me I saw my Trillion typos

But I'm sooooooooooo calling both of the guys and reading the part above to them!! That's what I was kinda thinking of but couldn't really put into words to make them understand me.

 

[~*~ShopAholic~*~]

I didn't take it offensive, I believe you were just asking a question.
As a person who is really into my regilious beliefs I couldn't.

I apologize if I was offensive, but I just dont understand how sexual desires are any different, whether they crave a man or a woman other than their wife. Bisexuals just get a bad rap and I was trying to understand why.

 

[gymfreak336]

People also change and sometimes, you don't change on the same pace or path as you SO, that can cause issues too.

 

[PaperClip]

Anything that's a deal breaker and voids the marriage contract:

*adultery
*abuse of me or my kids
*being bi or on the DL (happend to a friend of mine and she left him)
*drug/alchol abuse- wouldn't wait for treatment, I'd just leave
* any other addiction that he's not willing to get treatment for- ex: gambling

It's a lot but I'm just being honest. To me, marriage is sacred and those vows meant something. If someone's going to reneg on them, I'm out.

Piggyback off this list: adultery and abuse are the deal-breakers....

Other things listed here get back to adultery and abuse:

being Bi or DL is essentially ADULTERY. Sexual relations with ANYBODY ELSE OTHER THAN YOUR SPOUSE (including same-sex or "other" sex beings...and possibly ARTIFICIAL TOOLS?) is still adultery.

Drug/alcohol abuse (and yes, even gambling could be included here) could be classified as an ILLNESS, and the traditional marriage vows say "in sickness and in health".... A person might be UNABLE to help themselves... and it is only wise for the spouse to protect him/herself and children/family, physically, financially, etc.

...but if a person in the throws of the addiction is causing harm (abuse) to the family via lack of finances, physical abuse, abandonment, etc., I think the case could be made for permanent separation.

In terms of leaving a marriage due to unhappiness.... Two things come to mind:

1) Were both people happy to begin with or did the two think that getting married would MAKE THEM HAPPY?

--I ask my first point because I thought that if I got married, I would be happy (or happier).... However, I have since been enlightened that marriage cannot INVOKE happiness. Both parties have to bring their whole, full, happy, contented selves into the marriage. Not perfect, but at least on solid ground. I have to find happiness, inner joy in MYSELF...so regardless of what's going on around me or my marital status, I have to find and be content, happy where I am.... I am responsible for my state of happiness....

2) Does the unhappiness come from one of the above situations or that something changed dramatically in one person that causes conditions for unhappiness? I don't know....(Shrug)

 

[Mortons]

Piggyback off this list: adultery and abuse are the deal-breakers....

Other things listed here get back to adultery and abuse:

being Bi or DL is essentially ADULTERY. Sexual relations with ANYBODY ELSE OTHER THAN YOUR SPOUSE (including same-sex or "other" sex beings...and possibly ARTIFICIAL TOOLS?) is still adultery.

Drug/alcohol abuse (and yes, even gambling could be included here) could be classified as an ILLNESS, and the traditional marriage vows say "in sickness and in health".... A person might be UNABLE to help themselves... and it is only wise for the spouse to protect him/herself and children/family, physically, financially, etc.

...but if a person in the throws of the addiction is causing harm (abuse) to the family via lack of finances, physical abuse, abandonment, etc., I think the case could be made for permanent separation.

In terms of leaving a marriage due to unhappiness.... Two things come to mind:

1) Were both people happy to begin with or did the two think that getting married would MAKE THEM HAPPY?

--I ask my first point because I thought that if I got married, I would be happy (or happier).... However, I have since been enlightened that marriage cannot INVOKE happiness. Both parties have to bring their whole, full, happy, contented selves into the marriage. Not perfect, but at least on solid ground. I have to find happiness, inner joy in MYSELF...so regardless of what's going on around me or my marital status, I have to find and be content, happy where I am.... I am responsible for my state of happiness....

2) Does the unhappiness come from one of the above situations or that something changed dramatically in one person that causes conditions for unhappiness? I don't know....(Shrug)

The state of being a bisexual is not adultry and its silly to say so. I am bisexual right now, and I will be if I marry. So even if I am not sleeping with anyone else I am still and adultress? I can see why men are on the DL now. Some women just arent reasonable at all. If I were born a boy and still bisexual I dont know if I would tell women.

 

[Dee-Licious]

The state of being a bisexual is not adultry and its silly to say so. I am bisexual right now, and I will be if I marry. So even if I am not sleeping with anyone else I am still and adultress? I can see why men are on the DL now. Some women just arent reasonable at all. If I were born a boy and still bisexual I dont know if I would tell women.

I'm not RR, but I think she was saying if one was to act on that it would make them an adulter/ress. Because bascially, catching them cheating is the way one finds out their mate is DL.

 

[Mortons]

I'm not RR, but I think she was saying if one was to act on that it would make them an adulter/ress. Because bascially, catching them cheating is the way one finds out their mate is DL.

Your statement is true. I will wait for her to clear it up, because her first sentence did not sound like that to me. It sounded like she was saying bisexuals by default are cheaters.

 

[MzTami]

DL...I 'think' I can deal with adultery with a woman, but homosexual activities.

Sexual Assualt/abuse against children, women, etc..or if he commits a violent crime.

Don't want to work or be a provider(sorry, I'm bouncing). If this was the case, I probably would know beforehand, so I wouldn't have married him.

 

[Mortons]

DL...I 'think' I can deal with adultery with a woman, but homosexual activities.

Sexual Assualt/abuse against children, women, etc..or if he commits a violent crime.

Don't want to work or be a provider(sorry, I'm bouncing). If this was the case, I probably would know beforehand, so I wouldn't have married him.

Nerrr mind again...fug it...

 

[MzTami]

May I ask why?

Just MY opinion and preference....

 

[Mortons]

Just MY opinion and preference....

Didnt mean to offend...I was just wondering why the place he sticks it in was more important than the fact that it simply wasnt yours anyway...sorry to be crude....I'm done now

 

[Dee-Licious]

Didnt mean to offend...I was just wondering why the place he sticks it in was more important than the fact that it simply wasnt yours anyway...sorry to be crude....I'm done now

I'm not laughing at anybody but this wording just cracked me up!

 

[MzTami]

Didnt mean to offend...I was just wondering why the place he sticks it in was more important than the fact that it simply wasnt yours anyway...sorry to be crude....I'm done now

well he can continue sticking it where the sun don't shine. I don't want no part of it.... .

BTW...You seem to be taking this DL thing kind of personal... Everybody don't swing both ways. So we can just agree to disagree. Have a nice day.

 

[Mortons]

well he can continue sticking it where the sun don't shine. I don't want no part of it.... .

BTW...You seem to be taking this DL thing kind of personal... Everybody don't swing both ways. So we can just agree to disagree. Have a nice day.

I'm always being accused of taking things too personally on LHCF...Oh well. I have a heart and a big one. I can live with that fault.


And trust me, all of yall aint wanted on the other side. Most people need to stay they arse on the straight and narrow

 

[MzTami]

I'm always being accused of taking things too personally on LHCF...Oh well. I have a heart and a big one. I can live with that fault.


And trust me, all of yall aint wanted on the other side. Most people need to stay they arse on the straight and narrow

I agree. I will never coss that line straight

 

[PaperClip]

The state of being a bisexual is not adultry and its silly to say so. I am bisexual right now, and I will be if I marry. So even if I am not sleeping with anyone else I am still and adultress? I can see why men are on the DL now. Some women just arent reasonable at all. If I were born a boy and still bisexual I dont know if I would tell women.

Now this is an interesting spin.... and it's actually the SAME QUESTION I asked in a recent class on pluralism and education where the topic of the evening was sexuality.

My specific question was this: is a person homosexual (or heter or BI) based on what they THINK or what they DO? Is the identity DIRECTLY ASSOCIATED with the action?

So per you question about being an adulteress even though you are not engaging in the action/activity of bisexuality.... Hmm...

I'm thinking that I would say yes in that that there is such a thing as an "emotional" affair or that for you to say/claim that you are bisexual says that (maybe) there is a PERSON of your affection...somebody that you have in mind to which you would like to engage in the activity...or else how would you have a sense of your bisexuality?

We all live in a ROBUSTLY HETERO/JUDEO-CHRISTIAN society so the main messages we get about sexuality are the male-female relationship.

Another thing: (and I preface these remarks by noting my Christian perspective): sex outside of marriage is FORNICATION. Sex with a person other than your husband/wife is ADULTERY.

And for the last sentence? I'm not sure what that means but LYING/DECEPION is FIERCELY DEVILISH and HATEFUL and WICKED beyond words.

 

[PaperClip]

I'm not RR, but I think she was saying if one was to act on that it would make them an adulter/ress. Because bascially, catching them cheating is the way one finds out their mate is DL.

Right.... Thank you.

 

[Mortons]

Now this is an interesting spin.... and it's actually the SAME QUESTION I asked in a recent class on pluralism and education where the topic of the evening was sexuality.

My specific question was this: is a person homosexual (or heter or BI) based on what they THINK or what they DO? Is the identity DIRECTLY ASSOCIATED with the action?

So per you question about being an adulteress even though you are not engaging in the action/activity of bisexuality.... Hmm...

I'm thinking that I would say yes in that that there is such a thing as an "emotional" affair or that for you to say/claim that you are bisexual says that (maybe) there is a PERSON of your affection...somebody that you have in mind to which you would like to engage in the activity...or else how would you have a sense of your bisexuality?

We all live in a ROBUSTLY HETERO/JUDEO-CHRISTIAN society so the main messages we get about sexuality are the male-female relationship.

Another thing: (and I preface these remarks by noting my Christian perspective): sex outside of marriage is FORNICATION. Sex with a person other than your husband/wife is ADULTERY.

And for the last sentence? I'm not sure what that means but LYING/DECEPION is FIERCELY DEVILISH and HATEFUL and WICKED beyond words.

Thank you for clarifying. I can now officially say you are wrong. To answer your question I am bisexual because I am attracted to women and men. I have known it since I looking at girls booties in kindergarten. Now how exactly do you have a grip of your heterosexuality?


As to my last statement that is true. But ignorance and a refusal to understand the life of others and want them to be happy the way they are is also hateful and wicked. It goes both ways.

 

[Bint Yusef]

Homo/Bisexuality is about who you are attracted(gender, not a specific person).

If we heteros can be virgins and still be hetero, how come they cant?

How can we be hetero with no particular person in mind, and they cant?

The notion that bisexual people cant control themselves is extremely absurd.

 

[gymfreak336]

Now this is an interesting spin.... and it's actually the SAME QUESTION I asked in a recent class on pluralism and education where the topic of the evening was sexuality.

My specific question was this: is a person homosexual (or heter or BI) based on what they THINK or what they DO? Is the identity DIRECTLY ASSOCIATED with the action?

So per you question about being an adulteress even though you are not engaging in the action/activity of bisexuality.... Hmm...

I'm thinking that I would say yes in that that there is such a thing as an "emotional" affair or that for you to say/claim that you are bisexual says that (maybe) there is a PERSON of your affection...somebody that you have in mind to which you would like to engage in the activity...or else how would you have a sense of your bisexuality?
We all live in a ROBUSTLY HETERO/JUDEO-CHRISTIAN society so the main messages we get about sexuality are the male-female relationship.

Another thing: (and I preface these remarks by noting my Christian perspective): sex outside of marriage is FORNICATION. Sex with a person other than your husband/wife is ADULTERY.

And for the last sentence? I'm not sure what that means but LYING/DECEPION is FIERCELY DEVILISH and HATEFUL and WICKED beyond words.

Based on that logic, if a woman is married but is attracted to another man, maybe she saw someone at the mall or at work but she never entertains the idea of involving herself physically or otherwise, does that mean she is cheating?

 

[gymfreak336]

Homo/Bisexuality is about who you are attracted(gender, not a specific person).

If we heteros can be virgins and still be hetero, how come they cant?

How can we be hetero with no particular person in mind, and they cant?

The notion that bisexual people cant control themselves is extremely absurd.

Great point. I wish gay/lesbian/bisexual people would stop getting labeled as being hypersexual, like they can't help themselves

 

[Farida]

Glamorous, I think what MzTami meant, she can correct me if I'm wrong, is that she can handle her husband being with another woman as opposed to a man, because if he was with another man she would wonder whether he cheated because his primary attraction is to men and not to women, and if that is the case then the relationship may not be fixable. While, if he cheated with another woman, she knows he is primarily attracted to women and so the problem may be something that can be "fixed."

 

[Mortons]

Glamorous, I think what MzTami meant, she can correct me if I'm wrong, is that she can handle her husband being with another woman as opposed to a man, because if he was with another man she would wonder whether he cheated because his primary attraction is to men and not to women, and if that is the case then the relationship may not be fixable. While, if he cheated with another woman, she knows he is primarily attracted to women and so the problem may be something that can be "fixed."

I understand that that is possibly what she meant. I dont see, however, how the fact of cheating is different. If he wants to cheat, with a man or woman lover, he will. Also, if it was me, I would not feel so bad if he cheated with a man. I couldnt give him what he wanted so I can let him go and get it where he can. If he cheated with a women, I would wonder what was so lacking in me that he went for her instead. I guess our logic is different.

 

[MzTami]

Thank you! This is exactly what I mean.

 

[MzTami]

I understand that that is possibly what she meant. I dont see, however, how the fact of cheating is different. If he wants to cheat, with a man or woman lover, he will. Also, if it was me, I would not feel so bad if he cheated with a man. I couldnt give him what he wanted so I can let him go and get it where he can. If he cheated with a women, I would wonder what was so lacking in me that he went for her instead. I guess our logic is different.

Why does it have to be something that a woman lacks if a man cheats?

 

[Dee-Licious]

I understand that that is possibly what she meant. I dont see, however, how the fact of cheating is different. If he wants to cheat, with a man or woman lover, he will. Also, if it was me, I would not feel so bad if he cheated with a man. I couldnt give him what he wanted so I can let him go and get it where he can. If he cheated with a women, I would wonder what was so lacking in me that he went for her instead. I guess our logic is different.

There's a blues song that says "I was ready for Mary, Susan, and Jane, when all the time it was Bill who was sleeping with my man." It's like some women could deal more when it's a woman, but NO competition when it's another man.. he DOES have something she doesn't erplexed

I mean to me cheating is cheating so I can't really explain, but I'm trying to show the other side in a way that maybe you can understand if not agree with what they are saying

 

[Mortons]

Why does it have to be something that a woman lacks if a man cheats?

No, its not. But I know I felt inadequate when cheated. It may not be the truth but thats what it feels like.