Divorce! It's Good for the Children!

Ladybelle said:
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, no matter how arrogant it may come off as being.
Humility does have it's place.
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to each their own....

no one is perfect. The only person you can control is you. Everyone should do whatever they feel is best for their own life and accept the consequences for decisions they chose to make :yep:
 
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yardyspice said:
(cont'd)

Divorce is based on the idea that we marry for love; you can't have one without the other. In cultures where marriage is based on property (women as property, marriage as exchange of property) divorce is much less common and love, at least for men, doesn't have to be (isn't often) a part of marriage (ask your wealthy French uncle if this isn't true). Falling in love is an expression of freedom and so is divorce. Freedom is, as they are always telling us, a responsibility. If we have the freedom to divorce, then we have to use it wisely. So far be it from me to praise divorce. For that, you're going to have to go to my daughter. Or Newt Gingrich.
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LOL...not always. Sometimes it's necessary for personal safety. What about a breech in agreement? Un huh....

And there are a lot of women who think that it can never happen to them because of 1)their resolve 2)made a "good" choice in husband whereas others going thru divorce were stupid and 3) would never divorce under any circumstances due to religious viewpoints.

I can say that you never truly know a person until you live with them. It can happen. People can change after marriage. Nobody has a crystal ball and not all the supposed signs you were supposed to be reading manifested. In other words, if you find yourself needing to divorce for real reasons, then do not allow those who believe they are encrusted in a lead shield of some sort and are not vulnerable to put you down. It's like cancer...Russian Roulette. Sometimes the healthiest people get it.
 
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^^^ thank you.

Or I suppose, that's where personal accountability comes in. If the spouse breaches the agreement, it's still somehow your fault & you're f'ed up because you attracted him in the first place.

only the top tier of us attract people who make the perfect partners and would never do anything to violate our trust or our relationship... yep, that's it.

It sure is lonely down here.
 
Ladybelle said:
^^^ thank you.

Or I suppose, that's where personal accountability comes in. If the spouse breaches the agreement, it's still somehow your fault & you're f'ed up because you attracted him in the first place.

only the top tier of us attract people who make the perfect partners and would never do anything to violate our trust or our relationship... yep, that's it.

It sure is lonely down here.
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Hehehe, let them live a few days. And don't mention mental illness that sets in...like a crashing boulder from out of nowhere. Chemical nutcase in a second. You know, they say that nothing stinks worse than inexperience. Hehehe
 
barbiesocialite said:
i'm not saying anyone deserves any kinda abuse.... I'm simply stating that f*cked up people attract other f*cked up people.
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I truly take offense. Have you ever been married and divorced? Have you ever been married? I have never been a f*cked up person. I am legit. It was fate... although I have to right to express it...it's not worth it....
 
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First, the poster who mentioned abuse was talking about verbal abuse which can be subjective IMO. To me, emotional abuse where the person is telling you that you are crap, etc. is more telling.

I've been close to leaving my husband not because he hit me, cheated, or even yelled at me. It was because I was upset over him forgetting to do xyz and it touches a childhood nerve. Luckily, we have committed to not getting divorced because we are both the children of divorce and we don't want our child to grow up without either parent so we try to keep it together. What you realize is that after a while you forget why you are angry and you move on.
 
@ volver...
I took offense too, but I didn't come out & say so. The aire of superiority I found to be quite appalling, but I just shrugged it off because I find it to be a complete waste of time to argue with some people, and I don't feel the need to defend my life as I am not the defendant in my case- I am the plaintiff.
 
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yardyspice said:
First, the poster who mentioned abuse was talking about verbal abuse which can be subjective IMO. To me, emotional abuse where the person is telling you that you are crap, etc. is more telling.

I've been close to leaving my husband not because he hit me, cheated, or even yelled at me. It was because I was upset over him forgetting to do xyz and it touches a childhood nerve. Luckily, we have committed to not getting divorced because we are both the children of divorce and we don't want our child to grow up without either parent so we try to keep it together. What you realize is that after a while you forget why you are angry and you move on.
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I agree- if you're getting divorced just because you're bored or you don't like the way he takes out the trash at the last minute, then maybe you should be a little bit more introspective & work things out. But, when you're dealing with abuse, infidelity, drugs, alcohol & things of that nature- then divorce does become the only viable option in some cases. Sometimes counseling won't work, sometimes being overly committed to the marriage can be detrimental to your own well-being and the emotional stability of said children involved.

I think I said that from the beginning. In those cases- divorce seems to be better than staying married and life is probably better afterwards.

Peace is priceless and sometimes divorce is the price some must pay for it.

Everyone deals with dysfunction- certain types of dysfunction are dealbreakers, IMHO.
 
@Ladybelle, thank you, I know. Please know, I often post for others out there who feel the brunt of such but will never speak. Sometimes you ask to know why somebody is so daring to offend. And it's clear to me from the wording of it and the emotion and that we are all in need of healing ourselves. But that's okay. Still, there are many who will read this and they've got to know that what they are contemplating just might be their answer and should not allow others to derail them if it's in their best interest. :yep:
 
@ volver, thank you too! You are right, some healing is certainly in order. And, I hope that some will read this and realize that NO! you are not f'ed up if you by chance marry into a bad situation and it's okay to get out of it it comes to that. There should be no shame in doing what's best for you and any children involved... which I think although not directly stated, is what the writer of this article was trying to say.
 
Can we open this discussion to others outside the nucleus, like in-laws, cousins, siblings and others who were opposed to a divorce? Has anyone experienced lots of pressure from them to maintain appearances of the "good" family?
 
FemmeFatale said:
This is weird..getting a divorce= a failed marriage. That is not an accomplishment IMO.
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Only if there was necessity and you regained your human dignity to move on and make your life. That would be an accomplishment because too many stay in harm's way. Failure is still failure but the stigma of divorce is strong, esp. against women. I don't believe in divorce and had no intention of such. Well, compare it to a caree that plummeted or failure in a certain class or test...you pick yourself up and move on. I'm concerned that too many think that it's never a necessity.
 
I'm not into the divorce = failure mentality. I think a lot of people who stay together but still have failed marriages. So the togetherness is just window dressing. So people considering staying together need to ask themselves....why is the window dressing important.


I have a co-worker whose finally married her boyfriend after ten year of living together. He is totally high end even though he makes $12.00 an hour. He has had affairs and even had a child by a white woman while married. He does not contribute to the household but spends his money on a tricked out truck and a large Lexus 450 that stays parked. He also had children by another woman when they got together. He isn't much of a father...spending no time with their children.

HER MOTHER tells her she needs to get past it because MEN GO THROUGH CHANGES! I was totally outdone.
 
I read this and got a completely different take on what was being said than some others here. Now I have no idea in what spirit it was said, but as she was talking about verbal abuse, and she did mention her parents, it leads me to believe that this statement is in response to what she's personally seen and she has every right to state her feelings on the matter just like everyone else does.

Now I'm not a child of divorce nor have I been, but when I read the below my In-laws came screeching to a halt in my mind. Specifically MIL and I agreed 100% with what Barbiesocialite was saying in their situation. My MIL married someone because he was fully anglo with a classic WASP look. If you suggest this is the reason she will deny it with her last breath, but there's no doubt. So she attracted someone into her life based on her own hang ups at the time, whereas if she had taken a step back she never would have married him.

She also claims FIL was verbally abusive. Now I wasn't there, and if she says so I'm sure he was, but I can tell you that the only verbal insanity I've witnessed has come from her mouth. You can't help but wanting to say the most awful things to her, because of who she is and how she acts and what she herself says.

Her perception of self is beyond distorted it's completely DELUDED and she NEVER takes personal responsibility for that relationship or any other. So I can see where @barbiesocialite is coming from if she's witnessed anything similar. While the below is certainly not the case in every relationship that ends in divorce, it's definitely the case in at least a few.

barbiesocialite said:
You know, I'm seriously starting to question the validity of a lot of verbal abuse claims...

My mother claims my dad was verbally abusive. In retrospect, however, I'm starting to see she was/is verbally abusive too.

YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE. A lot of people have distorted perceptions of self imo. They like to play the victim and not take personal responsibility for themselves and, at times, how they actively contribute to people/things in their immediate environment.

My parents deserved each other....
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@Volver_Alma_Gitana's, there is just not enough thanks for your wonderful words of wisdom. I have been going back and forth with the situation I'm in and whether to stick it out or not, I mean I'm talking mental illness, gambling..ect......ect, and I feel forced because of my family to "keep up appearances". I'm so done with it, I decided I'm going to do what's best for me. My parents should have divorced, they were miserable and made us kids miserable. My father cheated and was never home, my mom was controlling over every aspect of our life-if she could not control our father than she would control us kids. It was a nightmare at home, I won't even get started with the fights, physical abuse that me and my brother both suffered, I'm in therapy and on anti-depressants because of it all.

So I guess I say all that to say-you just never know-I thought I knew what I was getting into getting married-but I had no clue. Not to mention I was only 18.............
 
yardyspice said:
I think divorce is only an option in abusive relationships, if there is cheating, or where the spouse is an alcoholic, etc.
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I wholeheartedly agree. I think someone's life needs to be in danger (as in the examples you give) before divorce is considered. Marriage is full of ups and downs and if a person is not able to handle that without wanting to call a lawyer every 5 minutes, they just don't need to get married.
 
:rolleyes: Really.

and I agree @nysister. Some posters took comments personal that were not even about them...as always. How many times does a person have to post "my parents" for people to get the point it was in reference to her parents?
 
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I don't think most women go into a marriage expecting a divorce. I know I didn't. Sh*t happens that is out of your control, so unless you are in a certain woman's shoes you should keep your judgment to yourself. Like someone mentioned, life is not a crystal ball, and even the best people get dealt a bad hand.
 
barbiesocialite said:
You know, I'm seriously starting to question the validity of a lot of verbal abuse claims...

My mother claims my dad was verbally abusive. In retrospect, however, I'm starting to see she was/is verbally abusive too.

YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE. A lot of people have distorted perceptions of self imo. They like to play the victim and not take personal responsibility for themselves and, at times, how they actively contribute to people/things in their immediate environment.

My parents deserved each other....
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100% truth @ the bolded.
 
nysister said:
I read this and got a completely different take on what was being said than some others here. Now I have no idea in what spirit it was said, but as she was talking about verbal abuse, and she did mention her parents, it leads me to believe that this statement is in response to what she's personally seen and she has every right to state her feelings on the matter just like everyone else does.

Now I'm not a child of divorce nor have I been, but when I read the below my In-laws came screeching to a halt in my mind. Specifically MIL and I agreed 100% with what Barbiesocialite was saying in their situation. My MIL married someone because he was fully anglo with a classic WASP look. If you suggest this is the reason she will deny it with her last breath, but there's no doubt. So she attracted someone into her life based on her own hang ups at the time, whereas if she had taken a step back she never would have married him.

She also claims FIL was verbally abusive. Now I wasn't there, and if she says so I'm sure he was, but I can tell you that the only verbal insanity I've witnessed has come from her mouth. You can't help but wanting to say the most awful things to her, because of who she is and how she acts and what she herself says.

Her perception of self is beyond distorted it's completely DELUDED and she NEVER takes personal responsibility for that relationship or any other. So I can see where @barbiesocialite is coming from if she's witnessed anything similar. While the below is certainly not the case in every relationship that ends in divorce, it's definitely the case in at least a few.
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That's how I took it too. When I look around me I see several people that due to their own issues attracted a man that was bad for them various ways. You know, I actually don't know a single woman IRL that actually divorced a physically abusive man. They are all still married to him. The divorced woman I know divorced due to cheating, finances, or they married a good for nothin and waited 10+ yrs a couple of kids to figure it out.
 
I know someone who got married this year and I can tell they aren't going to make it because the guy left his wife because she was getting old and fuddy and the new wife is going to be more excitement than he can handle. The food at the wedding was good though.....
 
ok is this article written by a 10 yr old? the step parent should be the good parent and the bio parent the bad parent? and then not having a united front..wth:nono:

also i am a product of divorce and i am divorced. at 11 when my parents said they were getting a divorce and at 29, i still believe that it was a GREAT decision
 
yardyspice said:
I know someone who got married this year and I can tell they aren't going to make it because the guy left his wife because she was getting old and fuddy and the new wife is going to be more excitement than he can handle. The food at the wedding was good though.....
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LMAO! I went to a wedding like that once. These people had a castle constructed and the groom was wearing one of those Disney Prince Charming outfits and the bride had the Cinderella dress made for her to wear complete with crown and had some see through shoes (I guess they were the glass slippers). When she walked down the aisle, she was barefoot and the groom slid on the "glass slippers" when she got up to the altar. They bugle players and all that. I remember telling DH that I hope they put as much time into the marriage as they did the wedding.

They were married a whole 9 months.

But, the cheese cubes and crackers were tasty.
 
They had a lobster avocado bisque for starters......

kmn1980 said:
LMAO! I went to a wedding like that once. These people had a castle constructed and the groom was wearing one of those Disney Prince Charming outfits and the bride had the Cinderella dress made for her to wear complete with crown and had some see through shoes (I guess they were the glass slippers). When she walked down the aisle, she was barefoot and the groom slid on the "glass slippers" when she got up to the altar. They bugle players and all that. I remember telling DH that I hope they put as much time into the marriage as they did the wedding.

They were married a whole 9 months.

But, the cheese cubes and crackers were tasty.
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I don't understand the viewpoint of some that unhappiness is not means for divorce. I mean, understandably things should be fixed within the marriage, counseling etc. But if a woman or a man is unhappy in a marriage, I don't understand the mindset that they should stay in it as long as the SO isn't cheating. You only have one life? Why would you choose to remain in an unhappy relationship? I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I am not married, so I will not presume to tell others how to work with their marriage, but I truly don't understand this.
 
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